Most of the more prominent members are standing in ranks. *i is stands in front of the ranked masses, waiting for the first noob to appear. Alorael is sitting atop a huge boulder, holding his rifle and guzzling a skribbane potion in a leisurely way. Zephyr Tempest is hopping up and down excitedly.

Zephyr Tempest: Can you see them? Can you see them?

*i: Alorael, scan for noobs! Schrodinger, put that walkthrough away.

Schrodinger: Sorry.

Alorael, who stands up and looks around: I see them! The noobs are coming! Yeehaw!

Alorael drinks another skribbane potion and readies his rifle.

*i: Don't charge yet...

Thralni: I think I should translate "noob" into nephilian.

Slartucker: Why?

Thralni: So I can yell "Death to the noobs!" when I charge.

An army of noobs appear on the horizon. They look like mindless zombies, except that they aren't dead. And they have significantly less brains, as well.

Ephesos: Gah! They look like undead. I hate undead. I really, really, really...

Tyranicus: We know, Ephesos.

Alorael: They're on foot! They're pedestrians!

Alorael begins firing wildly at the noobs. Many noobs fall, but the rest keep coming forward mindlessly.

*i: Show them no mercy, Spiderwebbers. Charge!

Nicothodes and Sherbiebaby dash past *i to lead the charge. Once they reach the front lines, they begin stabbing the noobs with pens. Terror's Martyr begins crushing noobs with devastating one-line personal attacks. Actually, the insults really aren't that insulting, just stupid. But since the noobs are too stupid to realize that, they simply collapse. Archmage Alex has a horde of stick figures guarding him as he draws cartoons. Mailboxes, barrels of spam, and two-tailed cows fall from the sky to crush countless noobs. Alorael is still sniping at the noobs.

Alorael: Woo hoo! I love this!

Alorael drinks another skribbane potion. Meanwhile, Nikki is fighting his way towards Nicothodes. Suddenly, Synergy appears at his side.

Nikki: What are you doing here?

Synergy: Don't ask. Aww, aren't Nicothodes and her friend so cute?

Up ahead, Nicothodes and Sherbiebaby are clearly enjoying themselves.

Nicothodes: This is so much fun. This is much better than stabbing each other.

Sherbiebaby: Yeah, I agree. We should do this more often. Take that, noob!

Sherbiebaby stabs a noob.

Nicothodes: And there's no shortage of noobs in the world. There might be after we're through with them, though.

A noob shambles up and reaches for Nicothodes.

Noob: lol 1337 lol woot

Nicothodes: Die!

The noob dies.

Sherbiebaby: Ha ha.

Synergy and Nikki arrive.

Synergy: Hi. We're here to join you. The two of you are just so cute.

Nicothodes stabs another noob moodily.

Nicothodes: Sure, whatever. Sherbie, get that noob sneaking past you.

Sherbiebaby stabs the noob, then circles around to stab another. Nicothodes dispatches two noobs with one stab.

Synergy: Oh, that was so cute.

Nicothodes: I can't take it any more! No cookies for you!

Nicothodes stabs Synergy.

Synergy: It's so cute the way you stabbed me... urg.

Synergy dies.

Nicothodes: And that goes for anyone else too. I refuse to be called cute ever again!

Nikki: Uh... Nico?

Nicothodes stabs another noob.

Nicothodes: What?

Nikki: Do you have a spare pen?

Nicothodes: Oh, sure. I carry no less than seven pens with me at all times. Die, noob!

Nicothodes kills another noob and then hands Nikki a pen.

Nicothodes: Here you go.

Sherbiebaby: And here's a spare, in case something happens to the first.

Sherbiebaby hands Nikki a pen as well. Nikki stabs his first noob.

Noob: urg i ben wounded

Nicothodes: Don't be so hesitant. Just kill them. Like this.

Nicothodes kills the wounded noob.

Nikki: Okay. Like this?

Nikki kills a noob.

Sherbiebaby: Yeah, you got it. Let's try dual-wielding now.

The three of them charge deeper into the pack of noobs, all three wielding two pens. Meanwhile, Delicious Vlish is terrifying noobs with his mighty tentacles. Sir David is lighting noobs on fire and watching them run around shrieking. Drakefyre is handing noobs mysterious, unlabled bottles and telling them to drink the contents. MagmaDragoon is using a flaming sword to kill noobs. Ben4808 is writing a script that sucks noobs into a swirling vortex. Alorael drinks yet another skribbane potion and fires on more noobs. But the noobs are slowly starting to push the Spiderwebbers back.

Thuryl and Tyranicus enter and begin searching for pens, pencils, and other pointy writing implements.

Tyranicus: Here's a good one.

Thuryl: Good. Add it to the pile. This is an interesting new bandwagon. At least they've dropped the whole "Nathan Ashby" bandwagon.

Suddenly, there are sounds of a violent scuffle coming from somewhere nearby. Arancaytar is thrown into view. He has a bucket of blue paint over his head.

Thuryl: What just happened, Aran?

Arancaytar: (Mutters) Well, that certainly unleashed his violent nature.

Tyranicus: Again, what did you just do?

Arancaytar stands up, tosses the bucket aside, and tries to wipe blue paint off of his clothes.

Arancaytar: I had the newbs strip and paint each other blue. Some of them weren't happy. And some of them were a little too happy. Kelandon banned the latter group, of course.

Tyranicus: Cool! You're turning all the newbs into Celts. Will they defend the Nethergate Forum?

Arancaytar: Only if you help out.

Tyranicus: Sure!

Arancaytar hands Tyranicus a paintbrush.

Arancaytar: Here. Go report to Kelandon. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go clean up and write the monthly stats.

Thuryl: We're at war, Aran.

Arancaytar: That will be noted in the stats.

Arancaytar exits.

Thuryl: Well, I have enough pens for now. Bye, Tyranicus.

Thuryl exits. Tyranicus enters another part of the General Forum, where Kelandon is watching the newbs fight.

Tyranicus: I'm taking Arancaytar's place, Kelandon.

Kelandon: Good. Now maybe I can find out how Lenar Labs and the Silent Assassin are doing with the lurkers.

Kelandon exits.

Tyranicus: Excuse me!

The newbs stop fighting.

Tyranicus: Newbs, are you ready to go out and fight to defend the Nethergate Forum?

Newbs: Uh...

Tyranicus: Come on, you can do better than that! Are you ready to go out and defend the greatest game ever created by Spiderweb Software?

Newbs: Yeah!

Tyranicus: I can't hear you!

Newbs: Yeah! Kill the noobs! Kill the noobs!

Tyranicus: Finish getting painted. I'm going to the Nethergate Forum to gather supplies. I'll be right back.

Tyranicus exits. The newbs engage in some sort of war dance. Kelandon, Lenar Labs, and the Silent Assassin enter.

Kelandon: How are you doing with the lurkers, Silent Assassin?

The Silent Assassin makes a wild series of hand motions.

Lenar Labs: The Silent Assassin has had no success convincing the lurkers to fight. The Silent Assassin is now requesting to go on a secret mission to slay the ur-noob.

Kelandon sighs.

Kelandon: Fine. Let him do whatever he wants. Just send in the Lurker and Wanderer. Maybe they will have better luck.

The Silent Assassin does a few more weird hand signals.

Lenar Labs: The Silent Assassin thanks you and will take his leave now.

Lenar Labs and the Silent Assassin leave. Tyranicus enters. He is wearing leather armor, a leather helmet, pants, boots, a cloak, javelins, and an iron spear. He is also carrying a very large sack, which he places on the ground in front of the newbs.

Tyranicus: I've got some short swords here for you. Arm yourselves, and then I'll teach you some basic moves.

Lenar Labs and the Silent Assassin enter with Wanderer and the Lurker.

Kelandon: We're still having problems drawing the lurkers out of the shadows and convincing them to fight for us. Do you think you could help, Wanderer, the Lurker?

The Lurker: Sure. Why not?

Kelandon: Good. Follow me.

Kelandon, the Lurker, and Wanderer exit.

Tyranicus: All right. Everyone have a sword now? Good. First of all, you should...

The battle is raging fiercely all over the forum. Alorael is still sniping the noobs between swigs of his skribbane. Delicious Vlish is casting terror on noobs, causing them to trample each other. Ash Lael is forcing noobs into the most difficult SubTerra level ever created. Once inside, the noobs can't figure a way out. Wonko the Sane, because he decided to go the whole war without killing anything, is punching noobs in the face. Dikiyoba is standing on a small rock, preaching to the noobs.

Dikiyoba: Dikiyoba says that anyone can become a productive and valuable forum member! All one has to do is use proper punctuation. Use correct capitalization! Don't spam! Obey the Code of Conduct! Just by following these simple rules, one can become a useful addition to any forum, just like Dikiyoba!

Over a dozen noobs stand at the base of the rock, slightly stunned by Dikiyoba's usage of words like "punctuation" and "conduct" and even "Dikiyoba." Every once in a while, a half-convinced noob detaches itself from the group. Soon, however, it forgets what it heard and becomes thoughtless and illiterate once more. One such noobs wanders over and attacks GoldenKing. GoldenKing blocks the attack with his pizza shield, then hits the noob with a lump of chocolate from a sling.

GoldenKing: Heehee. Take that, noob!

GoldenKing slings another noob. Then he notices one of Alorael's empty skribbane bottles. He picks it up.

GoldenKing: Hey! What's this? It smells good.

GoldenKing licks the rim of the bottle.

GoldenKing: This is great stuff! This is better than canisters!

GoldenKing shakes the last drops of the potion into his mouth. Then he sees Alorael's sack of full skribbane potions lying next to him on the boulder. GoldenKing works his way towards the boulder, slinging noobs for good measure. At the rear of the battle, *i is watching the battle progress grimly.

*i: Thralni!

Thralni: Yes, *i?

*i: Fly above the battle and tell me what you can see.

Thralni flies into the air and shouts a report.

Thralni: We're fighting well, *i, but for every noob we kill, ten more take its place. We're being pushed back. And we're completely out of pens.

*i: Where is Thuryl with those pens?

Thuryl and Arancaytar enter. Arancaytar recently showered and wears clean clothes but he still has a blotch of blue paint on his forehead.

Thuryl: Come and get your pens!

Many Spiderwebbers run up to Thuryl and take a pen. Then they rush back to the battle. Nikki, Nicothodes, and Sherbiebaby are now completely surrounded by noobs but are causing devastation with two pens each.

Slartucker: Ha! Pens! Who needs pens when you have an entire desk?

Slartucker throws his desk into a pack of noobs. The noobs fly everywhere. Slartucker retrieves the desk and then throws it again.

Arancaytar: I just finished the monthly stats! How is the battle going?

Thralni: Hey! You look like Harry Potter, Aran.

Arancaytar looks disgruntled and rubs at the paint, but says nothing. Just then, Jumpin' Salmon runs up to *i.

Jumpin' Salmon: *i, I saw Nicothodes kill Synergy! She's psycho!

*i: Where did Synergy even come from?

Jumpin' Salmon: I have no idea. Anyway, Synergy called Nicothodes cute. And she stabbed him with her pen!

Thuryl: I keep telling people that it’s not polite to call someone something they don’t want to be called...

Jumpin' Salmon: What do I do? I’ve called her cute! What if she decides to come after me?

Thuryl: Well, you could try apologizing...

Jumpin' Salmon: Hmm. That is an idea. Do you have any pens left?

Thuryl: Last one. Now I have to go back to look for some more.

Thuryl hands Jumpin' Salmon a pen. Jumpin' Salmon rejoins the battle. Thuryl exits. *i exits. In the middle of the forum, GoldenKing successfully reaches Alorael’s boulder. While Alorael is busy reloading, GoldenKing steals two skribbane potions. GoldenKing slings another noob, then runs off. When he is a safe distance away, he sits behind a rock and opens the first potion.

Dikiyoba: And that's how you properly quote someone. Anyone have any questions for Dikiyoba?

Noob: And that's how you properly quote someone. Anyone have any questions for Dikiyoba? yes

Dikiyoba: Hey! You've been here since the beginning. Dikiyoba has gone over quoting someone five times now. Dikiyoba is patient, but not that patient. Dikiyoba wants you to leave, noob.

GoldenKing slings the offending noob and hits another one over the head with the empty skribbane bottle.

GoldenKing: Heehee! Oh, sorry, Dikiyoba. I’m going somewhere else now. Take this, noob. And the same for you!

GoldenKing hits two noobs with one lump of chocolate as he leaves. Drakefyre enters.

Drakefyre: Icshi! Student of Trinity! Ben4808! Spring! And all you other members of the Richard White Cult! You know who you are...or at least, the implants do.

All of the members of the Richard White Cult who can make it out of the battle assemble before Drakefyre.

Drakefyre: The SubTerra Forum will soon be closed. It's time for you to go to the Richard White Games Forum and prepare.

Spring: Will we get our implants upgraded?

Icshi: They've already been upgraded.

Drakefyre: Stop wasting time. It's time to go.

Drakefyre, Icshi, the members of the Richard White Cult exit. *i enters. Meanwhile, Jumpin' Salmon battles his way towards Nicothodes, Nikki, and Sherbiebaby.

Jumpin' Salmon: Hello, Nicothodes.

Nicothodes stabs a noob.

Nicothodes: What do you want?

Jumpin' Salmon: I just wanted to say that I've changed my mind. You aren't cute. In fact, I think you're ugly.

Nicothodes smiles at him. Suddenly, she jumps at him.

Jumpin' Salmon: What in the...

Jumpin' Salmon and Nicothodes land on the ground. The huge battle axe of a gigantic, armored noob narrowly misses them.

Sherbiebaby: It's a 1337 h4x0r, the most feared and arrogant type of noob!

Nikki darts forward and stabs the 1337 h4x0r. His pen breaks.

Sherbiebaby: Run, Nikki! Distract it!

Nikki and Sherbiebaby take off. The 1337 h4x0r follows them. It scatters noobs left and right, often slaying those who don’t get out of the way quick enough.

Nikki: It’s gaining on us!

Shebiebaby: Oh no! There’s one ahead of us, too!

Nikki glances back. The 1337 h4x0r is gaining on the pair.

Nikki: Just keep running straight!

The 1337 h4x0rs catch up with Nikki and Sherbiebaby. As they lift their axes, Nikki and Sherbiebaby dodge aside. The 1337 h4x0rs slay each other instead.

Nikki: Gross!

Sherbiebaby: Actually, I thought it was kind of cool. Hey, what’s that?

The noobs ahead of them seem agitated and fearful. Dozens of 1337 h4x0rs appear. Behind them, something huge and hulking appears.

Nikki: That must be the ur-noob! It has to be at least ten feet tall!

Sherbiebaby: I think it’s closer to twelve. Let’s get out of here. I don’t want to meet it.

Nikki and Sherbiebaby rush back to Nicothodes and Jumpin’ Salmon.

Nikki: We saw the ur-noob!

Nicothodes: That 1337 h4x0r was the ur-noob?

Sherbiebaby: No, the ur-noob is much, much bigger.

Jumpin’ Salmon: We must tell *i!

The four of them retreat until they meet up with *i. They explain what they saw. *i looks worried. Just then, Thuryl, Lenar Labs, and the Silent Assassin enter.

Thuryl: I couldn’t find any more pens, so I brought lots of sticks instead. They aren’t as easy to use as pens, but they can do a lot more damage if handled correctly.

*i: Thuryl, the ur-noob has appeared.

Suddenly, the Silent Assassin steps forward and makes several gestures.

Lenar Labs: The Silent Assassin is informing you that he intends to hunt down and kill the ur-noob. He’s asking permission to begin.

*i: Go right ahead. I’m closing this forum, though. It’ll be difficult to make a quick escape.

The Silent Assassin salutes quickly then threads his way through the battle.

Lenar Labs: Good luck, Silent Assassin!

*i: Let’s hope the Richard White Cult can halt the noobs. This forum’s time is up. Retreat! Retreat!

Spiderwebbers stream from the battlefield to the next forum. Thuryl hands many of them sticks as they depart.

*i: Retreat!

Alorael, who is out of ammo, rummages through the sack and comes up with the last skribbane potion.

Alorael: Hmm. I could have sworn I still had four potions left. Oh well. Time to go recharge!

Alorael drinks the potion and then exits. GoldenKing stashes two of his stolen potions in his pocket and drinks the third. Then he exits.

Dikiyoba: Bye, noobs. Remember what Dikiyoba has taught you!

Dikiyoba exits. When the last Spiderwebber leaves, *i exits and closes the forum permanently.