A short time before the retreat of the Spiderwebbers in the Richard White Games Forum, Tyranicus leads the army of blue newbs into the Nethergate Forum. He leans on his spear as he shouts commands.

Tyranicus: Line up there! Hey, you there! Pay attention, or I'll feed you to Arctic Wolf!

Newb: But I'm the one who’s hungry!

Tyranicus: You'll get food in a moment.

Newb: But I'm hungry now!

Tyranicus closes his eyes. When he opens them again, the newb is mysteriously gone. The other newbs gather into ranks. Alec enters, dressed in an outrageous uniform and carrying a huge scimitar.

Alec: Need any help?

Tyranicus: Sure, if you know what you're doing.

Alec: I am a talented general who has never lost a battle in my life.

Tyranicus: Have you ever been in a battle before?

Alec: Aside from flamefests? No, but I have studied the careers of many famous and not-so-famous generals. And I have the arrogance to match any of those generals.

Tyranicus: It'll have to do, I suppose. So, do you have any strategies we could implement? Newb, get off the ground and quit making daisy chains. This is serious business.

Alec: So, are the newbs actually capable of anything?

Tyranicus: Amazingly, yes. Most have been trained to fight in melee. Others are skilled javelineers and a few have even learned a few simple spells.

Alec: Put the melee fighters up front and have the spellcasters and javelineers behind.

Tyranicus: That goes without saying. All right, newbs. You heard what you’re supposed to do. Now get into position.

Grumbling, the newbs rearrange themselves. No sooner are they in position when the first of the retreating Spiderwebbers enter the Nethergate Forum. Some halt behind the line of newbs. Others are injured or are helping out injured members and continue to the Tech Support Forum. Alorael runs to the Moderator Forum to replenish his supply of skribbane. Terror's Martyr, *i, and several other BoE scripters head for the Blades of Exile Forum to prepare defenses. Tyranicus hefts his spear as he sees the first noob enter the forum.

Tyranicus: Get ready, newbs!

Sir David picks up the sword left lying on the ground by the vanished newb. Slartucker climbs onto his desk to look around. Alorael enters with more skribbane potions.

Slartucker: The noobs are entering fast now. The 1337 h4x0rs are lining up for a charge, with the ordinary noobs behind them. It looks like the flamers are hanging back, though.

Alec brandishes his scimitar.

Alec: What are we waiting for? Let's charge. Charge!

The newb army, with older Spiderwebbers mixed in, charge towards the 1337 h4x0rs. Alec and Tyranicus lead it. The 1337 h4x0rs charge forward as well, headed by the 31337 h4x0r. Tyranicus slays a 1337 h4x0r with his spear and Alec gets another one with his scimitar. A 1337 h4x0r kills a newb, only to be killed by Sir David. Wonko the Sane punches a 1337 h4x0r in the face but only succeeds in hurting his fist.

Slartucker: Alorael! Wonko the Sane is down! Kill that 1337 h4x0r now!

Alorael shoots the 1337 h4x0r, then downs another skribbane potion. Kingy rushes in and pulls Wonko the Sane out of harm’s way.

Kingy: To the Tech Support Forum, Wonko. Ephesos will heal you.

Wonko the Sane: Thanks, Kingy!

Wonko the Sane exits. Alorael shoots another noob, then drinks three skribbane potions in quick succession. GoldenKing waits a moment longer and then quickly steals eighteen bottles. He sits down behind a rock to drink them. Jewels sees him and wanders over.

Jewels: What are you doing?

GoldenKing struggles to remove the top from the skribbane potion.

Jewels: Is it a drinking party? I want to join. I brought beer.

Jewels sits down across from GoldenKing and whips out three six-packs. GoldenKing finally gets the lid off.

Jewels: On the count of three, we chug. Okay? One. Two. Three!

Jewels and GoldenKing finish off their respective drinks and reach for the next one at the exact same time. Back in the battle, Alec slashes another 1337 h4x0r.

Alec: Look out, Tyran. There’s a really big h4x0r headed your way!

Tyranicus stabs a 1337 h4x0r and dodges the 31337 h4x0r’s giant axe. Alec rushes in and slashes at the 31337 h4x0r from behind.

Tyranicus: Attack it, newbs!

Four newbs rush in. The 31337 h4x0r immediately strikes one down, but the other three leap about hacking at it furiously. From his desk, Slartucker watches the battle anxiously.

Slartucker: Come on, Tyran. That's it, Alec. Come on, bring that h4x0r down!

The 31337 h4x0r strikes down another newb and blocks Tyranicus's next spear thrust. Then it flees deeper into the ranks of the noobs. Alec charges after it.

Tyranicus: No, Alec. Get back!

Slartucker realizes how quickly things could go wrong for Alec and Tyranicus and jumps off of his desk. He takes a javelin from a newb and starts hacking his way towards Tyranicus, Alec, and the wounded 31337 h4x0r. The 31337 h4x0r breaks free from the mass of fighting newbs and noobs. Alec breaks through as well.

31337 h4x0r: Help me, you idiots!

The 31337 h4x0r collapses to the ground.

Spawner: Capture the Spiderwebber alive!

Two 1337 h4x0rs and five noobs dogpile onto Alec.

Tyranicus: No! Alec!

Tyranicus continues to battle his way forward, with Slartucker close behind. The 1337 h4x0rs knock the noobs out of the way and pick up the unconscious and slightly flattened Alec. Tyranicus finally battles his way through and stabs one of the h4x0rs. From its position on the ground, the 31337 h4x0r pulls a throwing axe out of its belt. A noob catches hold of Tyranicus’s spear as he stabs the other 1337 h4x0r. Tyranicus stumbles back as the throwing axe hits him.

Slartucker: No! Tyran!

Slartucker chucks the javelin at the 31337 h4x0r, but the 31337 h4x0r rolls away and avoids it. Three more 1337 h4x0rs leap forward. One challenges Slartucker while the other two carry off Alec. Slartucker slings Tyranicus over his shoulder and runs back into the battle with the 1337 h4x0r close behind. Jumpin' Salmon sees Slartucker’s predicament and casts at the 1337 h4x0r. The line wraps around the 1337 h4x0r and throws it to the ground. At the edge of the forum, Slartucker pauses to take one look back. The last things he sees as he exits to take Tyranicus to the Tech Support Forum are GoldenKing and Jewels on their eighth drink and a newb and a noob attempting to strangle each other with their bare hands. Slartucker exits. At the other end of the forum, Spawner watches the 31337 h4x0r carefully.

Spawner: You weren't that badly injured, were you?

31337 h4x0r: Nothing that this little healing potion won't fix. One of the newbs had it on him.

31337 h4x0r drinks the healing potion.

31337 h4x0r: Now, back to the battle I go!

The forum is full of injured members. Most are newbs but there are many older members as well. Ephesos can hardly keep up. Slartucker is sitting besides Tyranicus' bed. Dintiradan enters, helping an injured newb along. Ephesos drinks an energy potion and hurries over.

Ephesos: What's the problem with him, Dintiradan?

Dintiradan: Gashed leg. Shouldn't be too big a problem.

Ephesos: I've drunk all the energy potions I can find but I don't have much energy left. We'll have to wait until Dikiyoba returns from the Avernum Trilogy with more herbs.

Just then, Dikiyoba enters with a pack full of herbs.

Dikiyoba: Dikiyoba has the herbs you need, Ephesos.

Ephesos: Thank goodness.

Ephesos takes the herbs from Dikiyoba and makes a healing potion, which he gives to the newb.

Ephesos: Drink this and then find someplace to rest for a while. You'll feel better soon.

The newb drinks the potion and then staggers off. Ephesos takes some graymold and begins making a salve. Slartucker rushes over.

Slartucker: Ephesos, Tyranicus looks worse. Isn't there anything else you can do for him?

Ephesos shrugs and continues making the salve.

Ephesos: I've already cast my strongest healing spell, used first aid, and given him a graymold salve. There's nothing else I can do.

Slartucker looks disappointed and goes back to his watch at Tyranicus' bedside. Tyranicus looks at Slartucker strangely.

Tyranicus: Slarty, I... I can see the sidhe from the other side of the portal. They're... they're welcoming me.

Tyranicus dies.

Slartucker: Tyran! Come back!

Ephesos, Dikiyoba, Dintiradan, and a few curious newbs come over.

Ephesos: It's no good, Slarty.

Slartucker rushes out.

Dikiyoba: Poor Tyranicus.

Dintiradan: Yeah.

Dikiyoba: Dikiyoba wonders who will keep the chat logs now.

Ephesos casts some sort of holy charm over Tyranicus' body. It vanishes in a flash of white light.

Ephesos: At least now there is no danger of him ever becoming an undead.

Lenar Labs sits up in his bed unexpectedly.

Lenar Labs: I'm leaving now.

Dintiradan: Lenar Labs! You're okay!

Lenar Labs: No. No I am not. And I am Lord Grimm now. Without the Silent Assassin, Lenar Labs cannot exist. I must go avenge him now.

Lord Grimm stands up. Ephesos steps forward to stop him. Lord Grimm pulls out a large, bladed disk crackling with magical energy and points it at Ephesos.

Dintiradan: (Whispers) What is that?

Dikiyoba: (Whispers) Dikiyoba thinks that would be called a reaperdisk.

Lord Grimm: I must go now, Ephesos. Please don't try to stop me, or I will be forced to kill you.

Ephesos backs off.

Ephesos: All right. It's your life.

Lord Grimm conjures a black robe and a scythe out of nowhere. Then he exits.

Arancaytar has deserted the Moderator Forum and is wandering the General Forum. He is desperately trying to get the latest statistics out of his head, since it reminds him of how badly the war is going. He can hear Kelandon, the Lurker, and Wanderer talking in another room.

The Lurker: We just can't do it. The lurkers--the other lurkers, I should say--refuse to fight.

Wanderer: We've tried everything. There's nothing else we can do. We can go find someone else who may be able to help, if you want.

Arancaytar: Why don't you ask Hawk King? He likes hanging out in the shadows!

Suddenly, Arancaytar stumbles and claps a hand over his forehead.

Arancaytar: Ow! Ow! Ash Lael!

Kelandon, the Lurker, and Wanderer rush into the room.

Kelandon: What was that you just said, Arancaytar?

Arancaytar: Ash Lael is dead!

Arancaytar adds Ash Lael's name to the list of the deceased, right under Tyranicus' name.

Kelandon: Ash Lael! This is... is... completely unexpected! How did it happen?

Arancaytar closes his eyes.

Arancaytar: He was knocked out and then stabbed in the back.

The Lurker: That's terrible!

Kelandon: I'm going to go find Hawk King now. We must sacrifice the lurkers to prevent anymore active members from getting killed.

Kelandon exits. The Lurker and Wanderer follow. Slartucker enters.

Slartucker: Aran, did I just hear you say that Ash Lael is dead?

Arancaytar: Sadly, yes.

Slartucker: This is crazy! Kelandon is forcing the lurkers to fight, newbs are being slaughtered, members are dying... and for what? Why don't we just flee and create a message board somewhere else?

Arancaytar points to the door.

Arancaytar: There's the exit. Open it and see how far you get.

Slartucker marches to the door and places his hand on the knob.

Slartucker: I'm not scared of the fluffy turtles.

Arancaytar: It's not the fluffy turtles that you have to worry about.

Slartucker pulls the door open and jumps back in shock. He shields his eyes from the blinding blue-green light. After he recovers, he reaches towards the shimmering wall of light. Sparks fly from the wall towards Slartucker's hand. He jerks it back quickly.

Slartucker: A magic barrier! We're trapped here by a magic barrier!

Slartucker slumps to the ground. After a moment, he looks at Arancaytar.

Slartucker: Isn't there anything we could do to get it down?

Arancaytar: Perhaps quickfire, but that would kill everyone faster than the noobs are. Besides, no one has a phoenix egg, anyway.

Slartucker: Oh. (Long pause.) Aran, I don't understand. How did Ed and the wanderers get out through the barriers?

Arancaytar rests against the wall and adds the names of another three newbs to the list.

Arancaytar: It wasn't up at the very beginning, when the wanderers and Ed escaped. It appeared shortly after the battle started. I suppose everyone could have escaped at the very beginning, but no one realized how devastating this war would be, or that the escape route would be cut off.

Slartucker: Is there any other route of escape?

Arancaytar: I have no idea, Slarty. Sorry.

Arancaytar winces and adds the name of another newb to the list.

The Spiderwebbers are rapidly being pushed back. The newb army is largely depleted and floundering without an official leader. Panic is setting in as the report of Ash Lael's death spreads. About the only people uneffected by the news are GoldenKing and Jewels.

Jewels: Last one, Goldie.

GoldenKing and Jewels open the last bottle of skribbane and beer respectively and chug it down. Lazarus and Thralni see the contest as they fight of 1337 h4x0rs.

Lazarus: Look at that! Drinking games are so wrong, especially on a battlefield.

Thralni: I would have thought that you would enjoy a good drinking game now and then.

Lazarus stabs a 1337 h4x0r in the neck.

Lazarus: No! Of course not! I only enjoy death and innuendo. And it has to be high quality innuendo at that.

Thralni edges away from Lazarus quickly.

Thralni: You stay well away from me!

Lazarus: Urg!

Lazarus is killed by a 1337 h4x0r. Thralni kills the 1337 h4x0r. Lazarus stands up shakily.

Lazarus: I'm okay. Really, I am. It's a pity I can only do that trick once per day.

Thralni: That's just really weird. Really, really weird.

Lazarus: Yeah, I know. Look! There's Infernal666hate. She looks mad.

Thralni: She sure does. But it's not safe to fight alone in the middle of the battlefield. Look what happened to Ash Lael.

Thralni and Lazarus fight their way over to Infernal666hate.

Jewels: Well, I'm all out of beer, GoldenKing.

GoldenKing: Meetoo... but... I... can... git... mor... Jwuels.

GoldenKing gets up and staggers off. Jewels stands up.

Jewels: I'm going to have such a bad hangover in the morning. Maybe Ephesos has something that will help stave it off.

Jewels exits. GoldenKing sneaks up behind Alorael, grabs the bag of skribbane potions, and starts to run off with the bag dragging on the ground. Suddenly, the bag catches on something. GoldenKing turns around and sees a very angry Alorael, who has his foot on the bag to prevent GoldenKing from dragging it off.

Alorael: So you're the one who's been stealing my skribbane!

GoldenKing gulps and drops the bag.

GoldenKing: Uh... bye!

GoldenKing runs off. Alorael pursues him.

Alorael: Oh no you don't! I'll teach you to steal my skribbane!

Drakefyre: Schrodinger! We're being overwhelmed. Call the retreat now!

Schrodinger: Retreat! Retreat!

The Spiderwebbers begin to retreat to the Blades of Exile Forum. Only three people don't. Lord Grimm enters the forum and immediately finds a good hiding spot. GoldenKing is still racing around but Alorael is quickly catching up.

Schrodinger: Retreat! To the Blades of Exile Forum!

Alorael hits GoldenKing over the head with the butt of his rifle. GoldenKing falls to the ground and covers his head as best he can. Alorael starts beating GoldenKing with his rifle.

GoldenKing: GIFTS! GIFTS! GIFTS! No more, Alorael! No more! Please stop! GIFTS! GIFTS!

Alorael: You... stole... my... skribbane! No... one... should... ever... steal... my... skribbane!

Alorael hits GoldenKing with the rifle for each word. The last Spiderwebbers make it out of the Nethergate Forum. Schrodinger closes the forum.

Alorael: It's my skribbane! My skribbane! No one can take it from me! No one! Take that and that and that!

GoldenKing: Ow! Ow! Ow! Alorael, you're hurting me! Stop! GIFTS! GIFTS! Stop! Stop!

Alorael: I don't share my skribbane!

GoldenKing: Okay! Okay! I won't ever take any of your skribbane again!

Alorael: I'll say you won't!

Alorael turns the rifle around and shoots GoldenKing. GoldenKing dies.

Alorael: Now to go retrieve my wonderful skribbane.

Alorael returns to the spot where he left the skribbane potions.

Alorael: Where did that bag go? This is the right spot.

Alorael climbs onto a rock and scans the forum. He sees a noob running off with the skribbane potion bag.

Alorael: Why, that little... I'm going to teach it a lesson!

Alorael shoots at the noob, but the noob is out of range. In a rage, Alorael shoots every other noob in range.

Alorael: They must all die!

It takes a long time, but eventually the noobs realize that they should avoid being in range of Alorael.

Alorael: They do learn! I never would have guessed. I'm starting to feel the need for more skribbane. I must go back to get some. Say, where is everyone?

Alorael looks around again.

Alorael: They're all gone. The forum must have been closed! Well, I'll just use my special mod powers to open the forum and make a quick escape. Wait... I'm not a moderator of the Nethergate Forum. I'll have to try to make a slow escape then.

Alorael suddenly sways and falls over. He quickly snatches up the rifle that he dropped.

Alorael: Skribbane! I need my skribbane!

After several failed attempts to stand up, Alorael holds his rifle like a teddy bear and begins speaking to it.

Alorael: You know, I never thought I'd die in the middle of nowhere surrounded by noobs without even skribbane for comfort. I aways thought I'd die in front of a firing squad. At least I still have you for comfort, trusty rifle. Skribbane! I need skribbane!

At the other end of the forum, the captains of the noob army discuss strategy.

31337 h4x0r: Soon, they'll run out of little tricks to try and stop us. By that time, they'll be tired and low on supplies. We, on the other hand, have noobs that haven't seen battle yet.

Troll Master: The flamers will lead the charge in the next forum, though. I have a meeting with one Terror's Martyr.

31337 h4x0r: The attack of the next forum is up to you. Now go lead it!

Troll Master: Come on, flamers! It's time for a flamefest!

Flamer: w00t!

Flamer: lol

The Troll Master and the flamers run off towards the Blades of Exile Forum. The noob carrying Alorael's skribbane runs up.

Noob: i stoled this

Spawner: Excellent job! What's in it?

31337 h4x0r reaches into the sack and pulls out a bottle.

31337 h4x0r: I wonder what it is?

Spawner: I wouldn't drink it if I were you.

31337 h4x0r: Nonsense. How bad can it be?

31337 h4x0r drinks the skribbane potion.

31337 h4x0r: It's disgusting and nasty stuff, just like myself. I like it.

31337 h4x0r drinks another bottle.

Spawner: Where did this come from, anyway?

The noob points towards the rock where Alorael is sitting. None of the noobs have figured out that Alorael is incapable of shooting them, so they are still avoiding the rock.

Spawner: I see someone. It's the one who's been shooting the noobs with his sniper rifle the whole time.

31337 h4x0r: Sniper rifle? That would be so much cooler than throwing axes.

Spawner and 31337 h4x0r march off to the rock. Alorael doesn't notice their arrival because his eyes are closed and he is still talking to himself.

Alorael: Skribbane... skriiibbaaane... skriiiiiibaaaaaane...

31337 h4x0r: Is this want you want?

31337 h4x0r holds a bottle out. Alorael's eyes snap open.

Alorael: What? Yes! Skribbane! Skribbane! Give me skribbane!

31337 h4x0r: Give me your gun and I'll give you this whole bag of skribbane.

Alorael hesitates for a long time before finally handing the gun over. 31337 h4x0r takes it and ponders the bottle in its hand for a moment.

Alorael: Give me my skribbane!

31337 h4x0r starts to hand the skribbane potion to Alorael. Alorael reaches for it feebly, but 31337 h4x0r pulls it back and drinks it.

Alorael: Nooooooooo!

Suddenly, Alorael falls off the rock and lands face-down in the mud at 31337 h4x0r's feet. The 31337 h4x0r instinctively points the rifle at Alorael and then pauses.

31337 h4x0r: I don't have to shoot him, do I?

Spawner: Nope. He's dead.

Spawner and 31337 h4x0r begin to sing and dance around.

Spawner and 31337 h4x0r: We killed a mod, we killed a mod, we killed a mod...