*i is leading the final group of Spiderwebbers across the forum. The forum has gone through a rapid recontruction and still looks a little rough around the edges. Walls have been erected to form a weird maze. Damaging floor types and rather nasty special encounters are everywhere. In fact, the whole thing looks like it was designed to be as annoying as possible.

*i: As you can see, this entire forum is defended by secret doors, damaging floors, and other traps. Watch your step here! It should hold the noob army back long enough for the Spiderweb army to regroup and kill many, many noobs in the process. Go through this secret door. Watch out for the lava on the other side, though.

*i leads the group through to a large room containing a teleportal. dXs steps close to it.

*i: dXs! You definitely don't want to step into that portal.

dXs: Where does it lead to?

*i: Seeing as how TM made it, it probably leads to instant death. Or goatse. Or something like that. Now, step through the final secret door.

*i leads the group into a large, empty room. Terror's Martyr is adding the finishing touches to a particularily nasty special encounter that will summon evil bosses with the ability to constantly spout ridiculous philosophy. At the far end of the room is an open door. Everyone except *i and Terror's Martyr exits the forum.

*i: Aren't you coming?

Terror's Martyr: No. I'm staying here to teach the noobs a thing or five. It's been too long since I last participated in an all-out flame fest.

*i: I'm leaving, and I'm locking the door.

Terror's Martyr: I have the key.

In the distance, there is the sound of an explosion and screaming noobs. *i exits and closes the door behind him.

Terror's Martyr: They're finally here. I hope the head flamer makes it through to the end.

Terror's Martyr sets up a few more traps while he waits for the noobs to make it through the maze. A while later, he sets up a few more traps while waiting for the noobs to make it through the maze. At the other end of the maze, Troll Master is negotiating with the other noob captains.

Troll Master: Look, all my flamers are getting slaughtered by these traps. And, of course, when they explode, they cause others to explode as well. All I'm asking is that some noobs or undead clear the way first.

31337 h4x0r shrugs.

31337 h4x0r: The ur-noob is keeping the undead in reserve. Some sort of evil plan or something. But I'll send a few hundred noobs into the maze, if you'd like. However, you and the flamers are leading the charge once the maze is clear. It's just what you wanted, right?

Troll Master: I'm here to kill Spiderwebbers, not solve some sort of maze. I want you to send the noobs in.

The flamers exit the maze and two hundred noobs take their place. The noobs manage to clear about half the maze before the last one is killed. On the other side of the maze, Terror's Martyr adds a several more traps.

Spawner: The ur-noob will not be happy if it learns of our failure.

31337 h4x0r: I have an idea. Why don't we just send in a few of our brightest and most experienced noobs to see if they can solve it?

Soon, six noobs are rounded up. They aren't terribly experienced, but they are the best that the captains have got. After being given a short briefing and a few supplies, the noobventurers are sent on their way. A short time later, they are back.

Head noobventurer: We cleared a way through.

31337 h4x0r: Really? How?

Head noobventurer: We found a secret passage that avoided the maze altogether. We had to disarm a few traps, dispell a barrier, battle troglodytes, ruby skeletons, sliths, and vahnatai all at once, and go on a side quest to slay some goblins, but we came out in a room on the other side of the maze. There's only one Spiderwebber guarding it. He didn't see us.

Spawner: That makes no sense whatsoever.

Troll Master: Who cares? Finally, there's a way through. Come on, flamers!

Troll Master and the flamers run off through the secret passage.

31337 h4x0r: Great job, noobventurers. Here's some experience and a medal.

Head noobventurer: Oh, we don't want that.

31337 h4x0r: Why not?

Head noobventurer: We'd rather kill you both instead.

The six noobventurers attack 31337 h4x0r and Spawner. Spawner runs off. 31337 battles against all six for a while and finally manages to kill them.

31337 h4x0r: There! That settles that! On second thought, you don't look quite dead enough.

31337 h4x0r stabs one of the noobventurers a few more times for good measure. Spawner comes back.

Spawner: Okay, that still makes no sense whatsoever.

At the other end of the maze, Troll Master and the flamers enter the room where Terror's Martyr is standing with his arms folded across his chest and smirking sarcastically.

Terror's Martyr: I was starting to wonder whether you would ever show up.

Troll Master: Get him!

The flamers rush forward, only to set off more of Terror Martyr's traps. Huge, evil bosses are spawned. They immediately attack the flamers while repeating nonsensical philosophy, non-existant words, and stupid threats of death.

Troll Master: No fair! This was supposed to be a one-on-one confrontation.

Terror's Martyr: Call off your flamers then, you [CENSORED] [CENSORED]!

Troll Master: Fine. You heard him. Back off, you worthless entrails.

The flamers retreat to the end of the room. Terror's Martyr waves a hand and the monsters all teleport to the other end of the room.

Troll Master: That's better. Now, behold and quake in terror, for I am Troll Master, leader of the flamers, you [CENSORED] [CENSORED]!

Terror's Martyr: I don't [CENSORED] well care, [CENSORED]. I am Terror's Martyr and I can outflame you any day!

Troll Master: Oh, can you? Well, take this!

Troll Master hurls a firebolt at Terror's Martyr. He easily dodges it. Troll Master hurls another, larger one. Terror's Martyr dodges that one as well. He stands still as the third one comes at him, though. Troll Master laughs madly as Terror's Martyr disappears in a column of flame.

Troll Master: Hahaha! What? How can this be?

Troll Master looks confused, for as the smoke clears, Terror's Martyr is revealed to be completely unharmed.

Terror's Martyr: Have you ever stopped to think about how [CENSORED] up life is, and how lame your [CENSORED] views are?

Terror's Martyr continues in this vein for some time. At first, the flamers and the Troll Master handle it pretty well. But soon, as Terror's Martyr's discussion grows more philisophical and disturbing, they become visibly agitated. A few flamers explode. The rest flee in horror. Soon, only the Troll Master is left, trying desperately to get a word in here and there to throw Terror's Martyr off track. It does no good. Finally, Troll Master can take it no more.

Troll Master: Nooooooooo!

Troll Master runs around crazily as Terror's Martyr continues to talk. After hearing the words "postmodernism" and "McGuffin" both used for no reason at all in the same sentence, Troll Master suddenly spontaneously combusts.

Terror's Martyr: Well, that's the end of that.

Terror's Martyr turns to leave through the door. However, on his way over, he trips over a spare copy of A Little Girl and falls to the ground. This would have been nothing, except that the spawned evil bosses have been driven insane by having to listen to Terror Martyr's speech. They quickly attack him before he can rise.

Terror's Martyr: [CENSORED] you and your mom, you [CENSORED] traitors!

Terror's Martyr dies. The evil bosses dissolve without Terror Martyr's support. A short time later, 31337 h4x0r comes by and picks the key up off of Terror Martyr's body.