Imban enters the forum. Arancaytar and Slartucker are sitting against the wall, visualizing possible escape methods.

Slartucker: We could build a giant teleportal.

Arancaytar: No way. We have no supplies, no time to create it, and absolutely no idea how to make one.

Slartucker: Well, we could try to put up a link that would take everyone out of here.

Arancaytar: I've already tried that. They've been disabled somehow. Probably something to do with the barrier.

Imban: Slartucker! Arancaytar! Everyone is supposed to report to the Exile Trilogy Forum. The battle is about to begin.

Slartucker: But...

Imban: Go!

Arancaytar: All right, all right.

Slartucker and Arancytar exit. Imban walks into the next room.

Imban: Kelandon! Hawk King! To the Exile Trilogy Forum!

Hawk King: Good. I was getting nowhere with the lurkers anyway.

Hawk King exits.

Kelandon: If I could only find some way to get the lurkers to fight for us.

Imban: Just having you on the battlefield would be a great help.

Kelandon: Fine.

Kelandon and Imban exit.

The ur-noob is standing on the Nethergate side of the maze with Spawner and 31337 h4x0r.

Spawner: Troll Master is dead, your Noobness.

Ur-noob: GOOD! NOW THE FLAMERS WORK SOLELY FOR ME! WHEN YOU BEGIN THE NEXT BATTLE, PUT THE FLAMERS UP FRONT! BUT KEEP THEM SPACED OUT ENOUGH THAT THEY WON'T KILL EACH OTHER IF THEY ARE INJURED! THE SPIDERWEBBERS WON'T STAND A CHANCE!

31337 h4x0r: There's just one slight little problem, your Noobness..

Ur-noob: WHAT IS IT, CAPTAIN?

31337 h4x0r: We're having great difficulty getting the troops into position. The maze is too difficult to nagivate, so we have to send them through a long secret passage. At the other end, the door is so small only one noob may pass through at a time.

Ur-noob: I WILL TAKE CARE OF THAT!

The ur-noob breathes a huge burst flame onto the maze. After the fire burns down, the ur-noob kicks over the last few remaining walls.

Ur-noob: I BELIEVE THAT TAKES CARE OF THAT PROBLEM! NOW, ON TO THE DOOR!

Spawner and 31337 h4x0r watch as the ur-noob stalks over to the tiny door. With one kick, it destroys the door and a good deal of wall. The ur-noob returns.

Ur-noob: NO MORE PROBLEMS! NOW GO AND SLAUGHTER THE SPIDERWEBBERS! GO!

Spawner: Yes, your Noobness.

31337 h4x0r: Of course, your Noobness.

31337 h4x0r and Spawner marshal the remaining troops and lead them across the forum towards the exit.

Ephesos is still rushing around trying to keep all of his patients alive. Dintiradan and Dikiyoba are making healing, curing, and energy potions and elixirs.

Dikiyoba: Dikiyoba has completed an energy elixir, Ephesos.

Ephesos: Thank you.

Ephesos drinks the elixir and hands the bottle back to Dikiyoba.

Ephesos: Now make another one.

Imban enters.

Imban: Are any of your patients healed up enough to fight in the Exile Trilogy Forum?

Ephesos points to a group of about twenty newbs. They have washed and found their clothes again. They all look worn out, skinny, and pale.

Imban: Come along, newbs. There's still a battle to be won.

The newbs look at each other and mutter among themselves. They don't move.

Imban: Come now, or I'll call out Arctic Wolf.

The newbs look at each other and mutter again. This time, they stand up and move out resignedly. Ephesos watches them exit and sighs.

Ephesos: I hate this war.

Imban: We all do, Ephesos, but we have no other choice.

Imban exits.

Dintiradan: Hey! My hands are turning colors from all this alchemy. They're blue and black and yellow and green and brown and red and...

Dikiyoba: Dikiyoba thinks you need to watch that potion that you are boiling.

Ephesos: Quit staring at your hands and get that potion off the burner now!

Dintiradan: Yaaagh!

Dintiradan and Dikiyoba both duck out of the way as a curing potion Dintiradan let overheat explodes. Ephesos hands Dintiradan a mop.

Ephesos: Clean it up, Dintirdan. Dikiyoba, go gather more herbs.

Dikiyoba exits. Dintiradan grumbles as he mops up the potion mess. Ephesos casts a healing spell on a newb's slashed arm and sends him out to join the others in the Exile Trilogy Forum.

The Spiderwebbers are waiting for the first noobs to come through. They have all eaten and rested. Drakefyre and Kelandon are leading them. Slartucker and Jewels have taken charge of the newbs. There are only about seventy newbs left out of the once-mighty army. Many are now equipped with only crude stone weaponry, having either lost or broken their original swords. Happa Tai Yattai, on the other hand, has found two Black Halberds and is wielding one in each hand. No one bothers to ask how he manages to do so. MagmaDragoon still has his flaming sword. Sir David has equipped two swords, as have Sherbiebaby, Nicothodes, and Nikki. Infernal666hate has Demonslayer equipped.

Jewels: Stay together, newbs. We'll help you out as much as we can.

Slartucker: It looks like the first noobs are here.

Drakefyre: Archers, be ready!

On the other end of the forum, 31337 h4x0r stands on a rock with the stolen skribbane at his side and Alorael's rifle in his hands.

31337 h4x0r: So many good choices. Who's it going to be? Who's it going to be?

31337 h4x0r drinks a bottle of skribbane. Then it chooses a target and fires. The Stew Boy goes down.

31337 h4x0r: Got you!

As the Spiderwebbers either look towards the Stew Boy or dive for cover, the first round of flamers begins their charge.

The Stew Boy: Remember... I've made my living by congratulating others... in... celebratory topics without... ever... making one... of my own... So, please... make my funeral... a... happy celebration... of my life... urg.

The Stew Boy dies. Arancaytar adds the Stew Boy to the list.

Drakefyre: Here they come! Archers, fire!

The Spiderwebbers with bows and arrows equipped fire at the flamers. Many explode. However, the flamers are spaced out well enough to avoid a chain reaction.

Drakefyre: Shoot again!

The archers shoot once more. More flamers explode. 31337 h4x0r sends the second round of flamers on their way. The archers continue to shoot. A large group of them are gathered around and on a large rock.

Zeviz: There is no way we can shoot them all.

Student of Trinity fires another arrow.

Student of Trinity: Just keep shooting until you run out of arrows.

Ben4808 fires another arrow as well.

Ben4808: And be ready to run if the flamers get too close.

Marlenny: Look out!

The small group dives out of the way as a flamer rushes them. The flamer hits the rock and explodes.

Zeviz: Everyone okay?

Marlenny: I'm fine.

Shuan Wuan: Help me! I'm hurt!

Shuan Wuan pulls himself to his feet. He is scorched but, fortunately, not injured too badly.

Ben4808: I'll help you to the Tech Support Forum.

Shuan Wuan and Ben4808 exit.

Nicothodes: You know, these swords aren't very useful against flamers. Maybe I should rethink my strategy.

Sherbiebaby: Let's throw pens at them!

Nikki: Come join the group, Arancaytar!

Arancaytar: No, thank you.

Nikki looks disappointed, but shrugs it off.

Nikki: Suit yourself.

Nicothodes, Sherbiebaby, and Nikki hurl pens at the flamers. The 31337 h4x0r sends the third round of flamers into battle.

Spawner: This is not having the damaging effect on the Spiderwebbers that we had hoped.

31337 h4x0r drinks another skribbane potion and pulls out the rifle.

31337 h4x0r: They're almost out of arrows. Besides, I also have a missile weapon.

31337 h4x0r selects a target and fires.

Nicothodes: Ahhhhhhhhh! I'm hit!

Nicothodes collapses.

Sherbiebaby: Nicothodes!

Nicothodes: I'm... still... not... cute! Urg...

Nicothodes dies. Jumpin' Salmon ducks 31337 h4x0r's next shot.

Jumpin' Salmon: Something must be done! Archmage Alex, distract that noob so that I can get a clear cast!

Archmage Alex quickly draws a stick figure wielding a half-eaten box of raisins. The stick figure jumps up and down wildly, throwing raisins at flamers all the while. Jumpin' Salmon pulls out his fishing pole. As 31337 h4x0r aims at the stick figure, Jumpin' Salmon casts towards the rifle. Just before 31337 h4x0r fires, the line wraps around the rifle. Jumpin' Salmon jerks the fishing pole quickly, and the rifle flies out of 31337 h4x0r's hands. The stray bullet hits a flamer. Jumpin' Salmon reels the rifle in.

Jumpin' Salmon: I hate to give up something reel fun, but this rifle is better than my fishing pole anyway.

Jumpin' Salmon begins shooting flamers.

31337 h4x0r: He stole my gun! I can't believe he stole my gun! This is an outrage!

Spawner: Oh, just shut up and send the next round of flamers into battle.

31337 h4x0r casts an empty potion bottle at Spawner. Spawner steps aside and motions the next round of flamers into battle, since it doesn't look like 31337 h4x0r will. 31337 h4x0r runs off shouting.

31337 h4x0r: I'll kill him and get my rifle back! Just you watch!

Shuan Wuan and Ben4808 enter the forum and rejoin the archers.

Student of Trinity: I'm out of arrows!

Zeviz: I'm almost out too.

Wise Man: And there's still more flamers. What'll we do?

Marlenny: Are there any javelins left?

Ben4808: No, they all got used up in the Nethergate Forum.

Student of Trinity: We'll just have to throw rocks at them.

When the archers run out of arrows, they throw down the useless bows and pick up rocks. They chuck the rocks at the flamers as fast and as hard as possible. All the other Spiderwebbers pick up on the idea too. At the other end of the forum, Spawner watches as 1337 h4x0r returns.

Spawner: Changed your mind, have you? Afraid of getting shot?

31337 h4x0r scowls.

31337 h4x0r: No. I forgot my skribbane. But I've got it now and I'm going back.

31337 h4x0r picks up the bag and runs back into the battle after Jumpin' Salmon. Jumpin' Salmon shoots another flamer. Suddenly, he is tackled by the 31337 h4x0r. The 31337 h4x0r grabs the rifle and starts to pull it out of Jumpin' Salmon's hands. Jumpin' Salmon doesn't let go. At the other end of the forum, Spawner yells angrily, even though 31337 h4x0r cannot possibly hear it.

Spawner: What! Why didn't you use your throwing axes to kill him from a distance? Oh, this is going to end badly, I can already tell.

Jumpin' Salmon and 31337 h4x0r fight over the rifle for a while. In the process, the bag of skribbane potions gets knocked aside and skribbane potions roll out. A flamer picks up a bottle.

Arancaytar: Salmon! Drop the rifle and run!

Jumpin' Salmon looks over and sees the flamer about to drink the skribbane. Jumpin' Salmon lets go of the rifle, jumps up, and runs off. 31337 h4x0r looks over as the flamer chugs it down.

31337 h4x0r: No, you fool! That's flammable!

The flamer explodes in a much larger blast than normal. Jumpin' Salmon looks over his shoulder at it. Unfortunately, he doesn't watch where he is running and falls into a pit.

Jumpin' Salmon: (Echoing) Ahhhhhhhhh!

Jumpin' Salmon dies. Arancaytar adds his name to the list. But Arancaytar also adds 31337 h4x0r to the list of noob army captains slain.

Dintiradan has slipped out of the Tech Support Forum. Now he wanders the General Forum, wondering how to turn the noob attack to his advantage. Then he remembers the lurkers. He boldly steps into the shadows. He can sense the lurkers nearby, even though he can't see or hear them.

Dintiradan: Hey, lurkers. My name is Dintiradan. I will be an evil overlord someday. You guys have the chance to be part of my Legions of Terror. What do you think?

There is silence from the lurkers.

Dintiradan: Okay, so maybe you don't. But I bet you want to go fight the noobs.

There is still silence.

Dintiradan: Don't make me set Arctic Wolf on you.

The lurkers laugh. From out of the shadows comes a quiet voice.

Lurker: Arctic Wolf only attacks the newbs. We are safe from him.

Dintiradan stomps his foot angrily.

Dintiradan: If you come out of the shadows right now and fight for the Spiderwebbers and I'll give you all... uh, bubble gum. That's right; I'll give you a lifetime supply of bubble gum. And Skittles.

The lurkers are silent again.

Dintiradan: If you don't come out of the shadows right now, I will shine a flashlight on you all! Er, I mean, I'll shine my rod of darkness-penetrating lightness on you all!

Dintiradan whips out his flashlight and turns it on.

Dintiradan: Arghhh! Oh. You look like normal people after all. Well, why do you hide in the shadows?

Lurker: It's what we are good at.

Dintiradan: Why don't you demonstrate your abilities on the battlefield?

The lurkers remain unconvinced.

Dintiradan: If you don't fight now, you will eventually be killed off by the noobs. If you do fight now, then you will probably die, but at least there's a small chance that you will live.

The lurkers look reluctant, but they finally step out of the shadows and form up in front of Dintiradan.

Dintiradan: That's the spirit! To the Avernum Trilogy Forum!

Dintiradan and the lurkers exit.

Almost all the Spiderwebbers are hurling rocks, sticks, pens, raisins, or other mundane items at the flamers now. Arancaytar stands on a rock, looking around. Across the forum, he can see Spawner. Standing on either side of Spawner is an angry flamer and an unintelligent-looking 1337 h4x0r.

Arancaytar: Oh great. They've appointed more captains. Does it look like we've been appointing replacement moderators?

Thuryl approaches.

Thuryl: I'm appointing you to be a replacement mod for me.

Arancaytar: What! Why?

Thuryl: I've found a way of escape that only I can take. So I am taking it. Good-bye.

Thuryl vanishes.

Arancaytar: How did he... oh, this is just great.

Hawk King: It's getting difficult to find rocks.

Student of Trinity throws another rock.

Student of Trinity: I've noticed. But I've also noticed that there aren't many flamers left.

Kelandon: The 1337 h4x0rs are getting ready for a charge.

Drakefyre: Melee fighters, be ready!

1337 h4x0rs storm across the forum.

Happa Tai Yattai: Finally, these Black Halberds get put into play. Charge!

The melee fighters charge into the 1337 h4x0rs.

Nikki: Death to noobs!

Jewels: Ready, newbs? Redwaaaaalllllll! Oops, wrong cry. Death to noobs! Death to noobs!

Jewels and Slartucker head the newb charge. The archers draw their stone daggers and charge forward as well. Ben4808 grabs the handle of a 1337 h4x0r's axe with one hand and stabs the 1337 h4x0r with the dagger in the other hand. Student of Trinity throws a rock at a 1337 h4x0r, knocking it unconscious. Student of Trinity then kills it easily and takes the axe. Ephesos and Dikiyoba enter the forum, Ephesos having decided that being on site would work better. Both are weighted down with potions and first aid kits.

Ephesos: Dikiyoba, bring anyone who is injured back to me.

Dikiyoba: Dikiyoba will do that, Ephesos.

Dikiyoba steps into the battle. There is a horrible cry as one of Archmage Alex's stick figures is killed.

Archmage Alex: I really liked that one. It was one of my best works. Oh well.

Archmage Alex quickly draws a replacement that rushes into battle. Arancaytar still stands on the rock, watching the battle.

Arancaytar: Good. The only flamer left is the captain. But it looks like a few more 1337 h4x0rs are entering the forum.

Wonko the Sane jumps aside as a 1337 h4x0r runs at him and stabs it as it runs by.

Wonko the Sane: I just killed my first noob!

The Ripper rushes past Wonko and Sane and stabs four 1337 h4x0rs in quick succession. Nikki and Sherbiebaby are also having great sucess against the 1337 h4x0rs.

Nikki: These things aren't as hard to kill as we first thought they would be, are they?

Sherbiebaby stabs another 1337 h4x0r.

Sherbiebaby: Take that from Nicothodes!

Sir David stabs a 1337 h4x0r. He spins around and comes face-to-face with one that doesn't look quite right. He stabs it anyway and realizes a split second too late what it really is.

Sir David: Flamer in disguise!

Sir David takes off as fast as he can. The flamer explodes. Sir David is thrown to the ground by the explosion. Dikiyoba rushes over and takes him to Ephesos.

Ephesos: What happened, Sir David?

Sir David: The flamers are disguised as 1337 h4x0rs!

Ben4808 and Wise Man are fighting together. Wise Man stabs another 1337 h4x0r.

Wise Man: Uh-oh. There's one of those disguised flamers coming toward us.

With nothing else to throw, Ben4808 throws his dagger. The flamer explodes. Ben4808 quickly picks up an axe from a dead 1337 h4x0r. Slartucker kills a 1337 h4x0r about to strike down one of the newbs.

Slartucker: We can't keep this up for much longer, Jewels.

Jewels: I know. We'll just have to... Slartucker, there's a newb separated from the rest!

Slartucker battles his way over. The newb goes down before Slartucker can reach him. Slartucker slays the 1337 h4x0r. Student of Trinity and Hawk King join him. Ben4804 and Wise Man begin to fight their way over as well. A 1337 h4x0r attacks Ben4808 from behind. Ben4808 goes down. Student of Trinity kills the 1337 h4x0r.

Slartucker: Ben!

Ben4808: I will be forever remembered as the fifteenth Spiderwebber to die in this battle.

Ben4808 dies.

Wise Man: I guess that means he's not a bot after all.

Just a short way away, the Almighty Do-er of Stuff is wounded. Dikiyoba kills the 1337 h4x0r about to finish him off and carries him to Ephesos. Jewels and the newbs realize how deep they are into enemy ranks when a large group of 1337 h4x0rs circle around and attack from behind. The newbs are rapidly getting slaughtered. Slartucker sees their predicament but can't do anything about it except yell.

Slartucker: Get out of there, Jewels!

Jewels: I'm trying!

Just as it looks like Jewels will break free, a throwing axe thrown by the unintelligent 1337 h4xor hits her.

Slartucker: Not again!

Jewels is badly injured and cut off from help even further by several more 1337 h4x0rs who rush in. But she draws herself up defiantly and attacks them. Jewels manages to kill three more 1337 h4x0rs before finally getting killed. She yells one last battle cry before she dies.

Jewels: Eulaliaaaaa!

Slartucker: I can't take it any more!

Slartucker runs away from the battle in terror and exits. Many Spiderwebbers follow.

Drakefyre: I haven't called for the retreat yet!

But the retreat to the Avernum Trilogy Forum continues. Ephesos takes Sir David and Dikiyoba takes the Almighty Do-er of Stuff to the Tech Support Forum. At the other end of the forum, Spawner laughs and speaks to the flamer at its side.

Spawner: We have them now!

Pyroroamer: Good. A few of my flamers may make it through this battle after all.

The stupid-looking 1337 h4x0r marches back toward them.

h4xx: I slew a Spiderwebber.

Spawner: Good. Now go head the charge into the next forum.

h4xx: Yes!

h4xx runs off.

Pyroroamer: It's not very bright, is it?

Spawner: No. 1337 h4x0rs aren't very bright at all. 31337 h4x0r was an unsurpassed genius as far as 1337 h4x0rs go. And look how stupidly it managed to die.

h4xx makes it through to the front of the noob army.

h4xx: Attack! Attack!

The noob army charges into the Avernum Trilogy Forum.