Act 8

Act 8 Dikiyoba Mon, 03/26/2007 - 03:21
When an evil overlord becomes the lesser of two evils...

Scene 1: Blades of Avernum Forum

Scene 1: Blades of Avernum Forum Dikiyoba Mon, 03/26/2007 - 03:32
Schrodinger stands on a small hill. He is watching the entrance to the forum intently. Behind him, Kelandon and Arancaytar are talking.

Arancaytar: So, what do you think would be the best way to defend this forum?

Kelandon: See those two steep hills? That's where we will make our stand. We can even push the boulders on each hill down onto the noob army.

Arancaytar: That sounds like a good idea.

Arancaytar winces suddenly.

Arancaytar: We don't have much time left before the noob army comes, though. Niemand just died.

Kelandon: Wake up, everyone! Wake up!

Grumbling and yawning, the Spiderwebbers come awake and gather their weapons. Arancaytar takes half of them to the top of the eastern hill. Kelandon takes the rest to the top of the western one. Schrodinger comes running toward them.

Schrodinger: The noobs are here! And there are a lot of them!

The Spiderwebbers watch as a horde of ordinary noobs marches toward them.

Schrodinger: How many noobs would you guess there are, Arancaytar?

Arancaytar: I have no idea. Far too many. We'd better make sure that no noobs get behind us, or else we won't be able to retreat.

Wise Man fires an arrow at a noob.

Wise Man: We're going to run out of arrows again, I can already tell.

Kingy: At least there are some slings.

Kingy slings a rock at a noob. At the back of the army and completely surrounded by 1337 h4x0rs, Spawner and Pyroroamer talk.

Pyroroamer: So, your strategy is just to throw noobs at them until they are completely exhausted and are either killed or retreat?

Spawner: Yes. Some of these noobs are survivors from the earlier forums, but most haven't seen any action yet in this war. And there are still even more noobs to send in if the Spiderwebbers manage to stay alive that long.

Spawner sends another group of noobs to go attack the Spiderwebbers.

Pyroroamer: This could take a while.

Spawner: So? Take a nap if you get bored.

The first noobs reach the base of the hills and begin climbing up.

Marlenny: Do we roll a few boulders at them now?

Kelandon: Not yet. Let them get halfway up the hill before we try anything.

Ephesos fires an arrow at a noob.

Ephesos: I wonder if repel spirit will work on noobs. What do you think, Slartucker?

Slartucker fires an arrow as well.

Slartucker: I hate this.

A short distance away, Zeviz and Randomizer are casting bolts of fire on the noobs. The noobs are now nearly halfway up the hills.

Kelandon: Release a boulder now.

Marlenny, Dareva, Inthrall, Dallerdin, and Redstart all push against a large boulder with all their might. The boulder rolls over the edge of the hill and smashes noobs as it goes. However, it hardly slows the noobs' advance. Pyroroamer angrily watches the boulder squish countless noobs flat.

Pyroroamer: Hand me that crossbow and bolts, Spawner.

At Pyroroamer's side, Spawner is flat on its back and snoring. Pyroroamer gives it a swift kick. Spawner comes awake.

Spawner: Huh? What? Oh, it's you. What do you want?

Pyroroamer: The Spiderwebbers are rolling boulders down on the army.

Spawner: So? They'll run out of boulders eventually, just like they always run out of arrows. See, look how few arrows are being fired.

Another boulder rolls from western hill and flattens more noobs. A third boulder rolls down the eastern hill.

Pyroroamer: See! Look at that! Give me that crossbow now!

Spawner hands Pyroroamer the crossbow and bolts.

Spawner: Suit yourself. You there, h4x0r! Bring in another group of noobs.

The 1337 h4x0r salutes and exits. Spawner lays back down and closes its eyes again. Pyroroamer stalks off. As the Spiderwebbers on the western hill struggle to move another boulder, a bolt comes flying up and strikes Dallerdin.

Dallerdin: Somehow, I'm not surprised that it ends like this.

Dallerdin dies. Inthrall ducks a second bolt. Pyroroamer throws itself flat upon the ground immediately.

Inthrall: This isn't good.

Dareva: Who keeps shooting at us, anyway? I can't see a noob with a crossbow anywhere.

Kelandon: Just shoot in the direction that the bolts came from!

Pyroroamer stays perfectly still as arrows and rocks kill the noobs surrounding it, knowing that running would only make it a target. The missiles fly so thick that soon not a single noob is left standing. The archers and slingers turn their attention in other directions as the first noobs make it over the top of the hill. Pyroroamer loads up and fires again. This time, Marlenny is hit. She staggers backwards a few steps.

Kelandon: Marlenny!

Marlenny dies. Pyroroamer turns and runs off.

Kelandon: I'll get it!

Kelandon snatches the bow from Slartucker's hands, turns, and aims at Pyroroamer's back. Just as he fires, a noob tackles him. The arrow hits the noob just to the left of Pyroroamer instead. As Kelandon falls, he hits his head on a rock and doesn't rise. Slartucker stabs the noob that tackled Kelandon and then kneels down and looks Kelandon over.

Slartucker: Well, he's just unconscious. Ephesos, Kelandon needs your help!

Kelandon opens his eyes.

Kelandon: I'm fine.

Slartucker: Are you sure? You hit your head rather hard.

Kelandon stands up slowly and rubs his head.

Kelandon: Of course I am. Why would you think that, anyway?

Slartucker: Because you hit your head. I'm worried that you are hurt.

Kelandon: Well, your wrong.

Slartucker: What did you say?

Kelandon: I said your wrong.

Slartucker: I was afraid that you had said that.

On the eastern hill, the noobs have succeeded in getting to the top as well. The Spiderwebbers have been forced away from the boulders, with the exception of Zephyr Tempest and Spy-there, who have taken refuge on top of boulder. Zephyr Tempest slays a noob attempting to scramble up.

Zephyr Tempest: We have to rejoin the others. Do you have an idea, Spy-there?

Spy-there: I like the idea of jumping down and fighting our way through.

Zephyr Tempest: We've tried that two times already.

Spy-there: Third time's the charm.

Schrodinger: Get down! Now!

Spy-there and Zephyr Tempest look at each other. Behind them, Pyroroamer makes a big show of aiming the crossbow at Zephyr Tempest.

Zephyr Tempest: What did you say?

Schrodinger: Get down! There's a...

Pyroroamer suddenly aims the crossbow at Schrodinger and fires. Schrodinger collapses as the bolt hits him.

Schrodinger: ...never mind. Someone else will have to finish the walkthrough for Avernum 4 now, I guess.

Pyroroamer watches to see whether Schrodinger lives or dies. Schrodinger dies. The time that Pyroroamer spends watching Schrodinger die allows Delicious Vlish to run up to Pyroroamer and smack it with a mighty tentacle. Pyroroamer drops the crossbow and flees. Delicious Vlish casts terror on the noobs surrounding the boulder as he retreats, allowing Zephyr Tempest and Spy-there to rejoin the other Spiderwebbers. Spawner watches dispassionately as Pyroroamer staggers back.

Spawner: Go die somewhere else.

Pyroroamer glares at Spawner.

Pyroroamer: I'm not going to die. In fact, I feel so fine that I'm going to lead a group of noobs around to attack the Spiderwebbers from the other side of the hill.

Suddenly, Pyroroamer sits down, shaking violently. Spawner laughs.

Spawner: I can see that. You should have charged into the Spiderwebbers and blown them up rather than come back.

Pyroroamer: I don't explode; I'm not an ordinary flamer. At... at least I... I killed two a... active... m... members and a... a mod...

Pyroroamer wipes some sort of green ooze out of its wound.

Spawner: And you lost the crossbow and got yourself killed in the process.

Pyroroamer: I... keep tell... ing you. I'm... not... going... to... d... urg.

Pyroroamer dies. The 1337 h4x0r that Spawner sent out earlier returns with another wave of noobs.

Spawner: Excellent job, h4x0r. Lead these noobs around the hills and attack them from behind. If you are successful, I will make you a captain.

The 1337 h4x0r salutes and leads the noobs away.

Scene 2: Avernum Trilogy Forum

Scene 2: Avernum Trilogy Forum Dikiyoba Mon, 03/26/2007 - 03:53
Four of the six noobventurers who died in the Blades of Exile Forum are laid out in front of the ur-noob. The ur-noob dumps a balm of life potion over them. Before it can do anything else, however, it pauses to sneeze. Then the ur-noob touches a claw to each of the noobventurers. They return to life. The noobventurers stand up and look around.

Head noobventurer: What happened? I... oh... greetings, your Noobness. Um, what happened to the other two adventurers?

The ur-noob sniffs.

Ur-noob: DON'T ASK!

Head noobventurer: Right. So, what do you want us to do this time?

Ur-noob: YOUR MISSION IS TO TRACK DOWN AND SLAY THE SPIDERWEB ADMINISTRATORS!

Head noobventurer: Sounds dangerous and difficult. Do we get some sort of magical ritual or special amulet that will help us?

Ur-noob: NO, YOU DON'T!

Head noobventurer: Okay. So, how do you want us to go about doing it, then?

The ur-noob sniffs again.

Ur-noob: YOU'LL THINK OF SOMETHING! NOW GO!

Head noobventurer: Yes, your Noobness.

The noobventurers exit. After they do so, the ur-noob sneezes so violently that most of the hill crumbles in the blast of fire and heat.

Scene 3: Blades of Avernum

Scene 3: Blades of Avernum Dikiyoba Mon, 03/26/2007 - 03:54
The Spiderwebbers are still fighting off the noobs, but it is clear that they are exhausted. On the eastern hill, Arancaytar and Delicious Vlish struggle to prevent the Spiderwebbers under their command from being overrun.

Arancaytar: dXs! Infernal666hate! Keep those noobs from circling behind us!

Infernal666hate kills a noob with Demonslayer and looks around.

Infernal666hate: Aran! There's a large group of noobs coming up from this side of the hill!

Led by the 1337 h4x0r, a large group of noobs charges up the far side of the hill.

Arancaytar: Quick! We must keep them from surrounding us!

Arancaytar leads some Spiderwebbers towards the oncoming noobs. dXs attacks the 1337 h4x0r, but he is so tired that he slips and falls. He rolls to one side as the 1337 h4x0r's battle-axe comes down. The axe crashes into the ground. Arancaytar stabs the 1337 h4x0r as dXs gets to his feet.

Delicious Vlish: We can't keep this up any longer, Arancaytar! We must retreat!

Delicious Vlish casts terror on a large group of noobs, The terrified noobs run around tripping and trampling other noobs.

Arancaytar: You lead this group to the Geneforge Forum. I'll tell Kelandon to retreat.

Arancaytar runs towards the western hill. He climbs onto a low rock and yells up at those on the hill.

Arancaytar: Kelandon! Kelandon!

Slartucker appears at the edge of the hill.

Slartucker: I can hear you! What do you want?

Arancaytar: Have Kelandon call the retreat!

Slartucker: Will do!

Slartucker disappears. Arancaytar stabs a noob and then rejoins the retreating group from the east hill. Slartucker shoots his last arrow and then finds Kelandon.

Slartucker: Kelandon! Arancaytar's called the retreat!

Kelandon: We can't retreat yet!

Slartucker: If we don't retreat now, we'll be overrun!

Kelandon: Alright, alright. Your right, I suppose. Retreat! Retreat!

The Spiderwebbers run from the western hill towards the exit. In the confusion, the Lurker and Wanderer are separated from the rest. They are forced to retreat in the opposite direction of the exit. From a small hill, four figures watch the retreat.

Head noobventurer: It would have been much easier to complete our task if we had slipped past the Spiderwebbers before the retreat. Now we're going to have to fight our way through the Geneforge Forum.

The noobventurer priest is kneeling on the ground while picking herbs.

Noobventurer priest: Oh well. We've been in tighter situations before.

Noobventurer archer: What are you doing, anyway?

Noobventurer priest: I'm picking herbs that I can make into poison potions. I figure it will be better to weaken the administrators before we openly attack them.

The noobventurer mage points up at the mountainous area.

Noobventurer mage: Ooh, look! A large, creepy, abandoned mining town. Let's go explore it!

Head noobventurer: Good idea!

The noobventurer party trudges up into the mountains towards the city. Just a short distance away, Wanderer and the Lurker are walking away from the noob army and talking.

Wanderer: Well, it looks like we're going to be here for a while.

The Lurker: Yeah. There's no way we can get to the exit. What should we do now, though?

Wanderer points up at the mountainous area.

Wanderer: There's an abandoned city up there. We'd probably be safer there than anywhere else.

The Lurker: Sounds good to me. Let's go.

The Lurker and Wanderer hike towards the city. From the top of a tower, Dintiradan watches both groups approaching through binoculars. Dintiradan has successfully made the transition from an Evil Overlord Wannabe to a Mildly Evil Overlord. He sets down the binoculars and rubs his hands together in glee.

Dintiradan: Good, good. This should be interesting.

Scene 4: Avernum Trilogy Forum

Scene 4: Avernum Trilogy Forum Dikiyoba Mon, 03/26/2007 - 04:16
Spawner enters the forum. The ur-noob is curled up with its wings folded around it like a blanket. Despite the natural warmth of the forum, the ur-noob is shivering. Some of its glow has faded away. It sneezes again but this time no flame comes out. Spawner halts abruptly, stunned by the sight. The ur-noob opens an eye suddenly.

Ur-noob: WHAT DO YOU WANT?

Despite its sick appearance, the ur-noob still maintains its dangerous and angry disposition. If anything, the illness has made it worse.

Spawner: Are you feeling all right, your Noobness?

Ur-noob: NO, IDIOT! I FEEL SICK! IT WILL PASS, THOUGH!

Spawner: We've overrun both Blades of Avernum forums, your Noobness. However, there is a city in the mountains in the Blades of Avernum Forum. There are many Spiderwebbers up there. The noobventurers are reported to be heading in that direction.

Ur-noob: WHAT! WHY? THE SPAMMING MORONS! I TOLD THEM TO ASSASSINATE THE ADMINISTRATORS! WAIT... YOU DON'T SUPPOSE THE ADMINISTRATORS ARE THERE, DO YOU?

Spawner: I have no idea, your Noobness. All I know is that there are probably many Spiderwebbers there.

The ur-noob rises to its feet in a suprisingly short time.

Ur-noob: I'LL TAKE OUT THE CITY MYSELF! FOLLOW ME, SPAWNER!

The ur-noob exits. Spawner hesitates for a moment, looking as if it really wants to run and hide, but follows.

Scene 5: Blade of Avernum Forum

Scene 5: Blade of Avernum Forum Dikiyoba Mon, 03/26/2007 - 04:22
The lurkers are rushing about fortifying the city. Dintiradan has the binoculars out again. He watches the noobventurers for a while and then turns to watch Wanderer and the Lurker. He snaps his fingers. A lurker runs up.

Lurker: Yes, my lord?

Dintiradan: Are the ambushers in position?

Lurker: Yes, my lord.

Dintiradan: Good. Are they well armed?

Lurker: Of course they are, my lord.

Dintiradan: Good. I will join them. This should provide some entertainment value. Besides, I don't trust the ambushers to pull off the ambush exactly the way I want them to yet.

Dintiradan and the lurker climb down from the tower and exit the city. They hide among the rocks with the ambushers in the spot where two paths meet.

Noobventurer archer: I think my feet are about to fall off.

Noobventurer priest: Look up ahead! There's two people there!

Head noobventurer: Let's talk to them.

The Lurker: You know, I don't really like the look of the city anymore.

Wanderer: Oh, you're just... there's people behind us!

Head noobventurer: Hello. Oh. You're Spiderwebbers. We must kill you now.

The Lurker and Wanderer draw their blades. Dintiradan stands up.

Dintiradan: Ahem. I have you now! Surrender or die!

Twenty to thirty lurkers come out of the rocks and quickly surround the noobventurers, Wanderer, and the Lurker. All of the lurkers are carrying a ridiculous variety and number of weapons. Wanderer lowers his blade.

Wanderer: You wouldn't really kill us, would you, Dintiradan?

Dintiradan: Well, I wouldn't kill you personally, but I have no problem ordering your deaths.

The Lurker puts down his weapon.

The Lurker: We surrender.

Dintiradan: Good. Step over this way.

The Lurker and Wanderer are roughly grabbed by several lurkers and quickly tied up.

Dintiradan: What do you have to say, noobventurers?

Noobventurer mage: (Whispers.) We can take all thirty of them! What do you think?

Noobventurer priest: (Whispers.) I don't think we can.

Noobventurer archer: (Whispers.) What's the worst that can happen if we surrender? We've surrendered before and gotten out alive.

Head noobventurer: We surrender.

The noobventurers drop their weapons. Dintiradan's grin widens.

Dintiradan: That makes it easy. Kill them.

Head noobventurer: What!

The lurkers fire arrows, sling rocks, fire rifles, and use other projectiles until the noobventurers are well and truly dead.

Dintiradan: That really was easy. I'm a Moderately Evil Overlord now. You six, burn the bodies. You four, bring our two guests up to the city. The rest of you, continue to guard the path.

Dintiradan walks back to the city. Behind him, four lurkers carry the Lurker and Wanderer to the city as well. Once in the city, Dintiradan has Wanderer and the Lurker set down and freed. They rub their rope burns, looking both angry and scared.

Wanderer: Are you completely crazy?

Dintiradan: No, not completely. Though being a Spiderwebber and an Evil Overlord does take quite a toll on sanity.

The Lurker: Why did you kill the noobventurers but not us?

Dintiradan: I didn't kill you because you have nowhere else to go. If you tried to leave, you would be killed by the noobs. If this city is overrun, you will be killed by noobs. This makes you trustworthy, at least for now. The noobventurers cannot be trusted, so I had them killed.

The Lurker: Oh. So what's your evil scheme?

Dintiradan: In the short term, the lurkers and I will hide out and defend ourself against the noobs until my evil weapons are completed. Then we will attack the noobs with the evil weapons. What I plan to do after the noobs are defeated is classified and it is better for your well-being not to know.

The Lurker: Oh dear. Um, can we see the evil weapons?

Dintiradan: Certainly, seeing as it would be suicidal to use the one weapon that is completed so far.

Dintiradan leads Wanderer and the Lurker over to a large workshop. Inside, they see many wooden boxes. Some are still being hammered together. Others are filled about halfway full of gunpowder. One is closed and is shaking so violently it almost seems ready to fall apart.

Wanderer: What is it?

Dintiradan: Well, I had a bit of a dilemma. On one hand, I wanted to create boxes that would magically explode upon impact. On the other hand, I wanted to summon a horde of angry fluffy turtles. So I compromised.

The Lurker: You mean...

Dintiradan: Yes. I am creating boxes that will explode upon impact and release angry fluffy turtles everywhere.

A lurker runs up.

Dintiradan: Yes?

Lurker: The ur-noob is headed this way with an army, my lord. It looks angry.

Dintiradan: The ur-noob already? Well, the defenses in this city aren't strong enough to hold against the ur-noob itself. We'll have to attack it from the mountains. Get the lurkers ready. The two of you, carry the box.

The Lurker and Wanderer pick up the rattling box carefully and follow Dintiradan up a steep trail that leads higher into the mountains. At the base of the mountains, Spawner and the ur-noob look up at the city from the front of a sizeable but fairly small army. At least, it is fairly small when compared to the rest of the noob forces. Compared to Dintiradan's army, however, the ur-noob's group is huge.

Ur-noob: SO THAT'S WHERE THEY ARE! FORWARD MARCH, 1337 H4X0RS!

The ur-noob allows the army to move ahead of it before stalking up the path itself. Spawner follows behind the ur-noob apprehensively. Just a short way up the path, the noob forces clash with the lurkers. From their position high the rocks, the lurkers fire upon the 1337 h4x0rs. One arrow strikes the ur-noob and harmlessly bounces off. However, it sends the ur-noob into a towering rage. The ur-noob gives its characteristic deep growl that climbs to an unearthly screech. Dintiradan is about to throw the box when the yell starts. He falls to the ground with his hands over his ears. Behind him, the Lurker and Wanderer do the same thing. All of the lurkers and 1337 h4x0rs collapse as well. Spawner manages to only fall to its knees. Then the ur-noob stops.

Wanderer: That was the most horrible sound that I have ever heard.

There is a low rumble from up above.

The Lurker: Oh great. An echo.

Dintiradan: No, you fools! It's an ava...

Dintiradan jumps up, grabs the box, and runs down the path back towards the city as the rumble increases. A mountain collapses, sending countless tons of soil and rock down below. The Lurker and Wanderer are instantly wiped out. The avalanche continues, burying all of the lurkers and 1337 h4x0rs. Rocks bounce harmlessly off of the ur-noob's back and sides. Spawner yells as the avalanche comes towards it. Just before it is buried, the ur-noob picks Spawner up out of harm's way.

Spawner: I never would have thought that you would save my life, your Noobness.

Ur-noob: I NEEDED SOMEONE TO GO FETCH MORE 1337 H4X0RS! THERE ARE TOO MANY BODIES ABLE TO BE CONVERTED INTO UNDEAD UNDER THERE TO WASTE! NOW GO!

Spawner: Yes, your Noobness.

The ur-noob sets Spawner down. Spawner runs off. The ur-noob pulls its feet out of the rubble and marches up the path towards the city. It marches past an intersection with four piles of ashes in the middle of it and marches up to the city. Half-running, half-sliding down another path, Dintiradan comes to a halt as soon as it sees the ur-noob. He starts to throw the box, but the ur-noob plucks it out of his hand and holds it delicately between two claws. With the other hand, it picks up Dintiradan.

Ur-noob: NOW I HAVE YOU, SPIDERWEBBER! WHERE ARE THE ADMINISTRATORS? TELL ME!

Dintiradan: I'm not telling you!

The ur-noob's hand tightens. Dintiradan finds himself being constricted.

Ur-noob: TELL ME OR I'LL KILL YOU!

Dintiradan: They... aren't... here... I... don't... know... where... they... are...

Ur-noob: FAIR ENOUGH!

The ur-noob lifts Dintiradan higher until he is above the ur-noob's head. The ur-noob opens its mouth.

Dintiradan: Shouldn't you at least kill me first?

Ur-noob: NO! THIS WILL KILL YOU SOON ENOUGH!

The ur-noob lets Dintiradan go.

Dintiradan: Nooooooooo!

Dintiradan lands in the ur-noob's open mouth. The ur-noob chews several times and swallows. Then it licks its claws delicately. Spawner runs up, leading a group of 1337 h4x0rs.

Ur-noob: GOOD! H4X0RS! UNCOVER ALL THE LURKERS AND PUT THEM IN ROWS!

The 1337 h4x0rs salute and set to work. The ur-noob hands Spawner the box.

Spawner: What is this for, your Noobness?

Ur-noob: SINCE THE NOOBVENTURERS HAVE FAILED, IT IS YOUR TURN! GO TRACK DOWN AND KILL THE ADMINISTRATORS! THAT BOX SHOULD PROOVE USEFUL, WHATEVER IT IS!

Spawner turns white.

Spawner: You want me to... to...

Ur-noob: YOU HEARD ME! NOW GO!

Spawner: But... but... how?

Ur-noob: GO IMPERSONATE A MOD OR SOMETHING!

Spawner: But... yes, your Noobness.

Spawner walks off. The ur-noob sets the abandoned city on fire with one breath and then stomps and kicks at it until the whole structure collapses. The ur-noob looks almost unreasonably happy after this wanton destruction.

Ur-noob: IT'S A PITY THAT JEFF DOESN'T HAVE MANY CUSTOMERS IN TOKYO!