Scene 5: Blade of Avernum Forum
Scene 5: Blade of Avernum Forum DikiyobaThe lurkers are rushing about fortifying the city. Dintiradan has the binoculars out again. He watches the noobventurers for a while and then turns to watch Wanderer and the Lurker. He snaps his fingers. A lurker runs up.
Lurker: Yes, my lord?
Dintiradan: Are the ambushers in position?
Lurker: Yes, my lord.
Dintiradan: Good. Are they well armed?
Lurker: Of course they are, my lord.
Dintiradan: Good. I will join them. This should provide some entertainment value. Besides, I don't trust the ambushers to pull off the ambush exactly the way I want them to yet.
Dintiradan and the lurker climb down from the tower and exit the city. They hide among the rocks with the ambushers in the spot where two paths meet.
Noobventurer archer: I think my feet are about to fall off.
Noobventurer priest: Look up ahead! There's two people there!
Head noobventurer: Let's talk to them.
The Lurker: You know, I don't really like the look of the city anymore.
Wanderer: Oh, you're just... there's people behind us!
Head noobventurer: Hello. Oh. You're Spiderwebbers. We must kill you now.
The Lurker and Wanderer draw their blades. Dintiradan stands up.
Dintiradan: Ahem. I have you now! Surrender or die!
Twenty to thirty lurkers come out of the rocks and quickly surround the noobventurers, Wanderer, and the Lurker. All of the lurkers are carrying a ridiculous variety and number of weapons. Wanderer lowers his blade.
Wanderer: You wouldn't really kill us, would you, Dintiradan?
Dintiradan: Well, I wouldn't kill you personally, but I have no problem ordering your deaths.
The Lurker puts down his weapon.
The Lurker: We surrender.
Dintiradan: Good. Step over this way.
The Lurker and Wanderer are roughly grabbed by several lurkers and quickly tied up.
Dintiradan: What do you have to say, noobventurers?
Noobventurer mage: (Whispers.) We can take all thirty of them! What do you think?
Noobventurer priest: (Whispers.) I don't think we can.
Noobventurer archer: (Whispers.) What's the worst that can happen if we surrender? We've surrendered before and gotten out alive.
Head noobventurer: We surrender.
The noobventurers drop their weapons. Dintiradan's grin widens.
Dintiradan: That makes it easy. Kill them.
Head noobventurer: What!
The lurkers fire arrows, sling rocks, fire rifles, and use other projectiles until the noobventurers are well and truly dead.
Dintiradan: That really was easy. I'm a Moderately Evil Overlord now. You six, burn the bodies. You four, bring our two guests up to the city. The rest of you, continue to guard the path.
Dintiradan walks back to the city. Behind him, four lurkers carry the Lurker and Wanderer to the city as well. Once in the city, Dintiradan has Wanderer and the Lurker set down and freed. They rub their rope burns, looking both angry and scared.
Wanderer: Are you completely crazy?
Dintiradan: No, not completely. Though being a Spiderwebber and an Evil Overlord does take quite a toll on sanity.
The Lurker: Why did you kill the noobventurers but not us?
Dintiradan: I didn't kill you because you have nowhere else to go. If you tried to leave, you would be killed by the noobs. If this city is overrun, you will be killed by noobs. This makes you trustworthy, at least for now. The noobventurers cannot be trusted, so I had them killed.
The Lurker: Oh. So what's your evil scheme?
Dintiradan: In the short term, the lurkers and I will hide out and defend ourself against the noobs until my evil weapons are completed. Then we will attack the noobs with the evil weapons. What I plan to do after the noobs are defeated is classified and it is better for your well-being not to know.
The Lurker: Oh dear. Um, can we see the evil weapons?
Dintiradan: Certainly, seeing as it would be suicidal to use the one weapon that is completed so far.
Dintiradan leads Wanderer and the Lurker over to a large workshop. Inside, they see many wooden boxes. Some are still being hammered together. Others are filled about halfway full of gunpowder. One is closed and is shaking so violently it almost seems ready to fall apart.
Wanderer: What is it?
Dintiradan: Well, I had a bit of a dilemma. On one hand, I wanted to create boxes that would magically explode upon impact. On the other hand, I wanted to summon a horde of angry fluffy turtles. So I compromised.
The Lurker: You mean...
Dintiradan: Yes. I am creating boxes that will explode upon impact and release angry fluffy turtles everywhere.
A lurker runs up.
Dintiradan: Yes?
Lurker: The ur-noob is headed this way with an army, my lord. It looks angry.
Dintiradan: The ur-noob already? Well, the defenses in this city aren't strong enough to hold against the ur-noob itself. We'll have to attack it from the mountains. Get the lurkers ready. The two of you, carry the box.
The Lurker and Wanderer pick up the rattling box carefully and follow Dintiradan up a steep trail that leads higher into the mountains. At the base of the mountains, Spawner and the ur-noob look up at the city from the front of a sizeable but fairly small army. At least, it is fairly small when compared to the rest of the noob forces. Compared to Dintiradan's army, however, the ur-noob's group is huge.
Ur-noob: SO THAT'S WHERE THEY ARE! FORWARD MARCH, 1337 H4X0RS!
The ur-noob allows the army to move ahead of it before stalking up the path itself. Spawner follows behind the ur-noob apprehensively. Just a short way up the path, the noob forces clash with the lurkers. From their position high the rocks, the lurkers fire upon the 1337 h4x0rs. One arrow strikes the ur-noob and harmlessly bounces off. However, it sends the ur-noob into a towering rage. The ur-noob gives its characteristic deep growl that climbs to an unearthly screech. Dintiradan is about to throw the box when the yell starts. He falls to the ground with his hands over his ears. Behind him, the Lurker and Wanderer do the same thing. All of the lurkers and 1337 h4x0rs collapse as well. Spawner manages to only fall to its knees. Then the ur-noob stops.
Wanderer: That was the most horrible sound that I have ever heard.
There is a low rumble from up above.
The Lurker: Oh great. An echo.
Dintiradan: No, you fools! It's an ava...
Dintiradan jumps up, grabs the box, and runs down the path back towards the city as the rumble increases. A mountain collapses, sending countless tons of soil and rock down below. The Lurker and Wanderer are instantly wiped out. The avalanche continues, burying all of the lurkers and 1337 h4x0rs. Rocks bounce harmlessly off of the ur-noob's back and sides. Spawner yells as the avalanche comes towards it. Just before it is buried, the ur-noob picks Spawner up out of harm's way.
Spawner: I never would have thought that you would save my life, your Noobness.
Ur-noob: I NEEDED SOMEONE TO GO FETCH MORE 1337 H4X0RS! THERE ARE TOO MANY BODIES ABLE TO BE CONVERTED INTO UNDEAD UNDER THERE TO WASTE! NOW GO!
Spawner: Yes, your Noobness.
The ur-noob sets Spawner down. Spawner runs off. The ur-noob pulls its feet out of the rubble and marches up the path towards the city. It marches past an intersection with four piles of ashes in the middle of it and marches up to the city. Half-running, half-sliding down another path, Dintiradan comes to a halt as soon as it sees the ur-noob. He starts to throw the box, but the ur-noob plucks it out of his hand and holds it delicately between two claws. With the other hand, it picks up Dintiradan.
Ur-noob: NOW I HAVE YOU, SPIDERWEBBER! WHERE ARE THE ADMINISTRATORS? TELL ME!
Dintiradan: I'm not telling you!
The ur-noob's hand tightens. Dintiradan finds himself being constricted.
Ur-noob: TELL ME OR I'LL KILL YOU!
Dintiradan: They... aren't... here... I... don't... know... where... they... are...
Ur-noob: FAIR ENOUGH!
The ur-noob lifts Dintiradan higher until he is above the ur-noob's head. The ur-noob opens its mouth.
Dintiradan: Shouldn't you at least kill me first?
Ur-noob: NO! THIS WILL KILL YOU SOON ENOUGH!
The ur-noob lets Dintiradan go.
Dintiradan: Nooooooooo!
Dintiradan lands in the ur-noob's open mouth. The ur-noob chews several times and swallows. Then it licks its claws delicately. Spawner runs up, leading a group of 1337 h4x0rs.
Ur-noob: GOOD! H4X0RS! UNCOVER ALL THE LURKERS AND PUT THEM IN ROWS!
The 1337 h4x0rs salute and set to work. The ur-noob hands Spawner the box.
Spawner: What is this for, your Noobness?
Ur-noob: SINCE THE NOOBVENTURERS HAVE FAILED, IT IS YOUR TURN! GO TRACK DOWN AND KILL THE ADMINISTRATORS! THAT BOX SHOULD PROOVE USEFUL, WHATEVER IT IS!
Spawner turns white.
Spawner: You want me to... to...
Ur-noob: YOU HEARD ME! NOW GO!
Spawner: But... but... how?
Ur-noob: GO IMPERSONATE A MOD OR SOMETHING!
Spawner: But... yes, your Noobness.
Spawner walks off. The ur-noob sets the abandoned city on fire with one breath and then stomps and kicks at it until the whole structure collapses. The ur-noob looks almost unreasonably happy after this wanton destruction.
Ur-noob: IT'S A PITY THAT JEFF DOESN'T HAVE MANY CUSTOMERS IN TOKYO!
Lurker: Yes, my lord?
Dintiradan: Are the ambushers in position?
Lurker: Yes, my lord.
Dintiradan: Good. Are they well armed?
Lurker: Of course they are, my lord.
Dintiradan: Good. I will join them. This should provide some entertainment value. Besides, I don't trust the ambushers to pull off the ambush exactly the way I want them to yet.
Dintiradan and the lurker climb down from the tower and exit the city. They hide among the rocks with the ambushers in the spot where two paths meet.
Noobventurer archer: I think my feet are about to fall off.
Noobventurer priest: Look up ahead! There's two people there!
Head noobventurer: Let's talk to them.
The Lurker: You know, I don't really like the look of the city anymore.
Wanderer: Oh, you're just... there's people behind us!
Head noobventurer: Hello. Oh. You're Spiderwebbers. We must kill you now.
The Lurker and Wanderer draw their blades. Dintiradan stands up.
Dintiradan: Ahem. I have you now! Surrender or die!
Twenty to thirty lurkers come out of the rocks and quickly surround the noobventurers, Wanderer, and the Lurker. All of the lurkers are carrying a ridiculous variety and number of weapons. Wanderer lowers his blade.
Wanderer: You wouldn't really kill us, would you, Dintiradan?
Dintiradan: Well, I wouldn't kill you personally, but I have no problem ordering your deaths.
The Lurker puts down his weapon.
The Lurker: We surrender.
Dintiradan: Good. Step over this way.
The Lurker and Wanderer are roughly grabbed by several lurkers and quickly tied up.
Dintiradan: What do you have to say, noobventurers?
Noobventurer mage: (Whispers.) We can take all thirty of them! What do you think?
Noobventurer priest: (Whispers.) I don't think we can.
Noobventurer archer: (Whispers.) What's the worst that can happen if we surrender? We've surrendered before and gotten out alive.
Head noobventurer: We surrender.
The noobventurers drop their weapons. Dintiradan's grin widens.
Dintiradan: That makes it easy. Kill them.
Head noobventurer: What!
The lurkers fire arrows, sling rocks, fire rifles, and use other projectiles until the noobventurers are well and truly dead.
Dintiradan: That really was easy. I'm a Moderately Evil Overlord now. You six, burn the bodies. You four, bring our two guests up to the city. The rest of you, continue to guard the path.
Dintiradan walks back to the city. Behind him, four lurkers carry the Lurker and Wanderer to the city as well. Once in the city, Dintiradan has Wanderer and the Lurker set down and freed. They rub their rope burns, looking both angry and scared.
Wanderer: Are you completely crazy?
Dintiradan: No, not completely. Though being a Spiderwebber and an Evil Overlord does take quite a toll on sanity.
The Lurker: Why did you kill the noobventurers but not us?
Dintiradan: I didn't kill you because you have nowhere else to go. If you tried to leave, you would be killed by the noobs. If this city is overrun, you will be killed by noobs. This makes you trustworthy, at least for now. The noobventurers cannot be trusted, so I had them killed.
The Lurker: Oh. So what's your evil scheme?
Dintiradan: In the short term, the lurkers and I will hide out and defend ourself against the noobs until my evil weapons are completed. Then we will attack the noobs with the evil weapons. What I plan to do after the noobs are defeated is classified and it is better for your well-being not to know.
The Lurker: Oh dear. Um, can we see the evil weapons?
Dintiradan: Certainly, seeing as it would be suicidal to use the one weapon that is completed so far.
Dintiradan leads Wanderer and the Lurker over to a large workshop. Inside, they see many wooden boxes. Some are still being hammered together. Others are filled about halfway full of gunpowder. One is closed and is shaking so violently it almost seems ready to fall apart.
Wanderer: What is it?
Dintiradan: Well, I had a bit of a dilemma. On one hand, I wanted to create boxes that would magically explode upon impact. On the other hand, I wanted to summon a horde of angry fluffy turtles. So I compromised.
The Lurker: You mean...
Dintiradan: Yes. I am creating boxes that will explode upon impact and release angry fluffy turtles everywhere.
A lurker runs up.
Dintiradan: Yes?
Lurker: The ur-noob is headed this way with an army, my lord. It looks angry.
Dintiradan: The ur-noob already? Well, the defenses in this city aren't strong enough to hold against the ur-noob itself. We'll have to attack it from the mountains. Get the lurkers ready. The two of you, carry the box.
The Lurker and Wanderer pick up the rattling box carefully and follow Dintiradan up a steep trail that leads higher into the mountains. At the base of the mountains, Spawner and the ur-noob look up at the city from the front of a sizeable but fairly small army. At least, it is fairly small when compared to the rest of the noob forces. Compared to Dintiradan's army, however, the ur-noob's group is huge.
Ur-noob: SO THAT'S WHERE THEY ARE! FORWARD MARCH, 1337 H4X0RS!
The ur-noob allows the army to move ahead of it before stalking up the path itself. Spawner follows behind the ur-noob apprehensively. Just a short way up the path, the noob forces clash with the lurkers. From their position high the rocks, the lurkers fire upon the 1337 h4x0rs. One arrow strikes the ur-noob and harmlessly bounces off. However, it sends the ur-noob into a towering rage. The ur-noob gives its characteristic deep growl that climbs to an unearthly screech. Dintiradan is about to throw the box when the yell starts. He falls to the ground with his hands over his ears. Behind him, the Lurker and Wanderer do the same thing. All of the lurkers and 1337 h4x0rs collapse as well. Spawner manages to only fall to its knees. Then the ur-noob stops.
Wanderer: That was the most horrible sound that I have ever heard.
There is a low rumble from up above.
The Lurker: Oh great. An echo.
Dintiradan: No, you fools! It's an ava...
Dintiradan jumps up, grabs the box, and runs down the path back towards the city as the rumble increases. A mountain collapses, sending countless tons of soil and rock down below. The Lurker and Wanderer are instantly wiped out. The avalanche continues, burying all of the lurkers and 1337 h4x0rs. Rocks bounce harmlessly off of the ur-noob's back and sides. Spawner yells as the avalanche comes towards it. Just before it is buried, the ur-noob picks Spawner up out of harm's way.
Spawner: I never would have thought that you would save my life, your Noobness.
Ur-noob: I NEEDED SOMEONE TO GO FETCH MORE 1337 H4X0RS! THERE ARE TOO MANY BODIES ABLE TO BE CONVERTED INTO UNDEAD UNDER THERE TO WASTE! NOW GO!
Spawner: Yes, your Noobness.
The ur-noob sets Spawner down. Spawner runs off. The ur-noob pulls its feet out of the rubble and marches up the path towards the city. It marches past an intersection with four piles of ashes in the middle of it and marches up to the city. Half-running, half-sliding down another path, Dintiradan comes to a halt as soon as it sees the ur-noob. He starts to throw the box, but the ur-noob plucks it out of his hand and holds it delicately between two claws. With the other hand, it picks up Dintiradan.
Ur-noob: NOW I HAVE YOU, SPIDERWEBBER! WHERE ARE THE ADMINISTRATORS? TELL ME!
Dintiradan: I'm not telling you!
The ur-noob's hand tightens. Dintiradan finds himself being constricted.
Ur-noob: TELL ME OR I'LL KILL YOU!
Dintiradan: They... aren't... here... I... don't... know... where... they... are...
Ur-noob: FAIR ENOUGH!
The ur-noob lifts Dintiradan higher until he is above the ur-noob's head. The ur-noob opens its mouth.
Dintiradan: Shouldn't you at least kill me first?
Ur-noob: NO! THIS WILL KILL YOU SOON ENOUGH!
The ur-noob lets Dintiradan go.
Dintiradan: Nooooooooo!
Dintiradan lands in the ur-noob's open mouth. The ur-noob chews several times and swallows. Then it licks its claws delicately. Spawner runs up, leading a group of 1337 h4x0rs.
Ur-noob: GOOD! H4X0RS! UNCOVER ALL THE LURKERS AND PUT THEM IN ROWS!
The 1337 h4x0rs salute and set to work. The ur-noob hands Spawner the box.
Spawner: What is this for, your Noobness?
Ur-noob: SINCE THE NOOBVENTURERS HAVE FAILED, IT IS YOUR TURN! GO TRACK DOWN AND KILL THE ADMINISTRATORS! THAT BOX SHOULD PROOVE USEFUL, WHATEVER IT IS!
Spawner turns white.
Spawner: You want me to... to...
Ur-noob: YOU HEARD ME! NOW GO!
Spawner: But... but... how?
Ur-noob: GO IMPERSONATE A MOD OR SOMETHING!
Spawner: But... yes, your Noobness.
Spawner walks off. The ur-noob sets the abandoned city on fire with one breath and then stomps and kicks at it until the whole structure collapses. The ur-noob looks almost unreasonably happy after this wanton destruction.
Ur-noob: IT'S A PITY THAT JEFF DOESN'T HAVE MANY CUSTOMERS IN TOKYO!