The Spiderwebbers enter the Geneforge Series Forum with the noobs right on their heels. A blast of hot wind hits them the moment they enter. Dust and grit blows into their eyes, mouths, noses, and everywhere else. The Geneforge forum is a flat, hot, barren desert. The noobs quickly gain on the exhausted Spiderwebbers and the Spiderwebbers soon find themselves fighting as they run. Redstart is tripped by a noob. He is overwhelmed and killed by the noobs so quickly he doesn't have a chance to make a peep. Arancaytar puts Redstart on the list.

Arancaytar: We need some way to push back the noobs.

Delicious Vlish looks surprisingly calm.

Delicious Vlish: Just need to get a little bit closer...

Arancaytar: What? Are you feeling okay, Vlish?

Delicious Vlish: Look ahead.

Just a short way ahead, there is a line of charged-up pylons. Just behind the pylons stands Croikle.

Arancaytar: They look like they are about ready to fire. Get down, everyone!

The Spiderwebbers immediately fall flat as the pylons fire bolts of magical energy. Almost all of the front ranks of the noobs are killed in the blasts. The Spiderwebbers crawl to safety as the pylons continue to fire. Once safely behind the pylons, they stand up and look around. There is a large pile of supplies, a healing pool, an essence pool, and a pillar nearby. Eventually, the noobs retreat so that they are outside the pylon range.

Arancaytar: Good work, Croikle. That's the first time I've ever been happy to see a pylon.

Croikle: I have some new items. No doubt you are low on supplies. Most of them are pretty basic, but there are a few good items.

Many Spiderwebbers crowd around the essence and healing pools. Others sort through the supply pile for chitin armor, bronze swords, and thorn batons. Delicious Vlish, however, is interested in the pillar.

Delicious Vlish: What does it do?

Croikle: It is the source of all my power. And it also emits a calming influence on everyone.

Delicious Vlish: I thought so.

Croikle hands Arancaytar, Kelandon, and Khoth each a shaped blade. Slartucker examines a thorn baton closely.

Slartucker: How many thorns do you have, Croikle? We'll run out of them quickly.

Croikle: Not many. Fortunately, thorns do grow on bushes. I just need to find someone to pick them. There are still a few newbs and lurkers left, right?

Slartucker: Yeah. Three newbs and eight lurkers. If there's even that many left.

Croikle: I'll ask them to pick the thorns.

Croikle walks off. Delicious Vlish stands just in front of the pylons and taunts the noobs.

Delicious Vlish: Silly noobs! One of my tentacles has more intelligence than all of you combined!

The noobs ponder the insult for a good long while before finally looking angry and screaming idiotic threats back. But they don't charge forward. Slartucker passes by Ephesos, who is sitting by the essence pool with a pile of pods nearby.

Slartucker: What are you doing?

Ephesos: Resting. The healing pool can take care of most injuries. Croikle gave me some restoration and curing pods for the injuries that it can't heal.

The forum darkens suddenly. The wind picks up. Zephyr Tempest looks up.

Zephyr Tempest: Look at all those clouds! It looks like we're about to be hit by a storm.

Suddenly, Arancaytar collapses.

Khoth: Aran!

Spiderwebbers rush over. Arancaytar sits up, holding his head.

Ephesos: What happened?

Arancaytar: All the lurkers just died, as did Wanderer and the Lurker.

Ephesos: All of them? At the same time?

Arancaytar: Pretty much.

Arancaytar winces again.

Arancaytar: And Dintiradan died as well. I think I need to go rest for a while.

Dikiyoba: Not Dintiradan!

Ephesos: The Tech Support Forum is a quiet place.

Arancaytar: Thanks. I think I'll go there.

Arancaytar stands up and exits. Suddenly, there is a flash of lightning and a crash of thunder almost directly overhead. Huge drops of rain pour down. The dust quickly turns to slippery mud. Delicious Vlish makes obscene gestures with his tentacles.

Delicious Vlish: Silly noobs! Take that!

The noobs suddenly charge forward. Delicious Vlish quickly scuttles a safe distance behind the pylons. The other Spiderwebbers get ready for the attack. The pylons kill many noobs but the rest keep coming forward. Soon, the noobs draw level with the pylons and start attacking them.

Kelandon: Back up, Spiderwebbers! That pylon is about to crumble!

The Spiderwebbers back out of the way quickly. The pylon collapses, sending a cloud of poisonous gas into the air. Many noobs choke on it and die. The rest continue to charge forward. Lightning flashes overhead again, followed almost immediately by thunder. The first noobs break free of the pylons. Infernal666hate shoots a noob with a thorn baton.

Infernal666hate: What makes them so determined to kill themselves while killing us?

One by one, the pylons crumble and the noobs run forward. The Spiderwebbers shoot them with thorns, pausing only to reload. In the confusion, no one notices that a furtive figure carrying a rattling box steps out of the noob army and slips past the Spiderwebbers.

Slartucker: I'm almost out of thorns! Where's Croikle with more?

Khoth: He's over there!

Khoth points to a field of small bushes where about a dozen figures are working. Slartucker runs over there. Croikle is watching the last few newbs and lurkers pick thorns off of the bushes and put them into small basket.

Slartucker: We need more thorns!

Croikle: Take all the thorns you need. The newbs are picking as fast as they can.

Even as Slartucker and Croikle speak, the figure passes them. The newbs and lurkers notice it, however, and stop picking.

Newb: Who are you? And what's in the box.

Spawner: I am Spawner. This box here will, er, improve your lives. Haven't you noticed that the Spiderwebbers forced you to fight? That they let all of your friends die? And that now they are forcing you to do their labor? Haven't you noticed?

Lurker: Er...

Spawner: Apparently not. But it's all true. Allow me to pass freely and I will use the box to ensure that newbs and lurkers are never mistreated ever again. Just be patient for a little while longer, my friends.

Spawner walks on. The lurkers and newbs allow it to go. It exits the forum just as Croikle looks over.

Croikle: Hey! Why have you stopped?

Lurker: Because we're tired.

Croikle: There's no time to be tired now. Keep picking! We need more thorns!

The newbs and lurkers grumble but continue picking. Slartucker grabs several baskets of thorns and runs back to the battle. He hands them out. Inthrall goes down when two noobs jump on him. Dikiyoba stabs the noobs and drags Inthrall over to Ephesos. Zephyr Tempest slips in the mud. He gets up quickly and spits out mud and rainwater disgustedly. The battle and the downpour continue.

Spawner enters the forum silently. It looks around and sees that all the beds have been pushed to one side and a full-body mirror leans against the wall. Instead of resting, Arancaytar is pacing the length of the forum, muttering to himself. Spawner carefully sets the box down and ducks behind a bed before Arancaytar sees it. Spawner notices that Arancaytar is twirling a silver key in his hand. Spawner recalls how it couldn't get into the Moderator Board because the entrance was locked. Spawner waits until Arancaytar has turned away again and then stands up. Spawner draws a small dagger and lunges towards Arancaytar. Arancaytar turns, sees Spawner coming, and dives aside. He drops the key, draws his shaped blade, and gets up quickly.

Arancaytar: How did you get in here?

Spawner: The real question, though, is what the odds are of you getting out alive?

Arancaytar strikes at Spawner. Spawner parries easily. The two of them take a step back and watch each other closely. Arancaytar suddenly winces.

Arancaytar: Not another death...

Spawner attacks Arancaytar while he is distracted. Arancaytar barely gets the shaped blade up in time to parry the blow. He staggers backwards several steps. He winces again.

Arancaytar: And her too!

Spawner lunges at Arancaytar again. Arancaytar parries again and stumbles back several more steps. He slams against the mirror. Spawner gasps in shock as Arancaytar falls through the looking glass with one final yell.

Arancaytar: Not another Alice in Wonderland reference!

Arancaytar vanishes. His shaped blade clatters to the floor. Spawner stares at the mirror, which now only shows Spawner's reflection, for a moment. Then Spawner puts its dagger away and snaps its fingers. Light shimmers around it. When the light fades away, Spawner has assumed Arancaytar's appearance. It admires itself in the mirror for a moment. The disguise isn't good enough for a close inspection, but it will hold up against casual glances.

Spawncaytar: I love special abilities.

Spawncaytar bends down and picks up the shaped blade and key. It sheathes the blade and tucks the key into its pocket. Nikki runs in.

Nikki: Aran! It's so horrible! First, the newbs and lurkers rose up and revolted! They killed Croikle and ran off to join the noob army! Then the noobs killed Sherbiebaby! First Nicothodes and then Sherbiebaby! Everyone that I secretly love is getting killed off in this war!

Nikki sobs. Spawncaytar turns around to face him.

Spawncaytar: And? Why are you here?

Nikki: To declare my undying love to you, Arancaytar, my crazy kitten!

Nikki gives Spawncaytar a huge hug. Spawncaytar looks revolted and disturbed, but Nikki doesn't notice.

Nikki: Would you like me to sing you a song?

Spawncaytar reaches for its dagger while making sure that Nikki is distracted.

Spawncaytar: That sounds nice. Why...

Spawncaytar draws the dagger.

Spawncaytar: ...not!

Spawncaytar stabs Nikki. Nikki staggers back, looking hurt in more ways than one.

Nikki: But... but... I didn't even get a chance to sing my song. Why? Why must it all end like this?

Nikki dies. Spawncaytar leaves his body in the middle of the floor and exits the forum quickly. A moment later, it enters again, grabs the rattling box, and exits once more.

*i and Drakefyre sit around a table. Maps of all the forums are spread out on it. Notes, arrows, and circlings are scribbled all over them.

Drakefyre: ...and that's how we'll kill the ur-noob. What do you think?

*i: That idea actually sounds like it might work. Let's put it into action.

As Drakefyre and *i begin to stand up, Spawncaytar enters, still carrying the shaking box.

*i: Arancaytar. What are you doing here? What's in the box?

Spawncaytar: I've found something that will help against the ur-noob.

Spawncaytar walks towards Drakefyre and *i. Drakefyre looks at the box critically.

Drakefyre: I don't see how... wait! You're not Aran!

Drakefyre lunges towards Spawncaytar. Spawncaytar hurls the box at him and flees. Spawncaytar exits just as the box slams into the table. The box explodes. The table, maps, and every other thing in the forum is obliterated in the blast. Drakefyre and *i stand no chance of surviving. Their bodies are thrown against a wall. After the explosion, there is an eerie silence, only broken by the creaks and groans of the damaged supports and the growling of a very angry fluffy turtle. The very angry fluffy turtle, finding absolutely no one to take its anger out on, exits.

Just before the explosion in the moderator board, the Tech Support forum is completely empty. Suddenly, Arancaytar falls through the mirror into the forum. He stands up and brushes himself off. He freezes at the sight of Nikki's body. After a moment, he walks closer to see if Nikki is really dead. Slartucker runs in and sees Arancaytar just a foot away from Nikki's body.

Slartucker: Nikki, don't go running off like... Aran! How could you!

Arancaytar looks bewildered.

Arancaytar: I didn't do anything. I found him like this!

Slartucker pulls out his thorn baton and points it at Arancaytar.

Slartucker: Oh really? Then who killed him?

Arancaytar takes a step away from Slartucker and holds up his hands to show that he is unarmed.

Arancaytar: It must have been the noob.

Slartucker: What noob?

Arancaytar: The noob who pushed me into the mirror! I fell through and only just got back!

Slartucker: Are you crazy? It's just a mirror!

Arancaytar: No, it's not. Look, I'll show you.

Arancaytar touches the mirror with one hand hesitantly. Nothing happens. Arancaytar puts both hands on the mirror and pushes against it as hard as he can. The mirror remains solid.

Slartucker: It's an ordinary mirror, Arancaytar.

Arancaytar: It is now, but there really was a noob, it really did attack me, and I really did fall through the mirror! You must believe me, Slarty!

Slartucker keeps the baton pointed at Arancaytar.

Slartucker: Right. I think you've completely lost your mind. Come with me. I'll take you to Ephesos and he can cast unshackle mind on you.

Arancaytar: No! The noob is around here somewhere! We must find it before...

The whole forum shakes as the box explodes in the moderator board. Slartucker and Arancaytar are thrown to the ground.

Slartucker: What was that?

Arancaytar: No! *i and Drakefyre just died!

Slartucker stares at Arancaytar in disbelief. The Announcements Forum, Tech Support Forum, and General Forum all drop straight down as the final supports in the moderator board give away. Arancaytar and Slartucker cover their heads and yell as the forum falls. After the forum stabilizes, Arancaytar and Slartucker get up shakily.

Arancaytar: I... I told you. I told you that...

Slartucker: Not another word. Let's just...

There is an angry snarl. Arancaytar and Slartucker look over to see that the very angry fluffy turtle has entered the forum without them noticing. It charges them quickly. Or at least, it charges them quickly for a turtle. Slartucker and Arancaytar step aside.

Arancaytar: What should we do?

Slartucker stands in front of the mirror.

Slartucker: You did say that you fell through this mirror, right?

Arancaytar nods.

Slartucker: Good. Come and get me, fluffy!

The very angry fluffy turtle rushes at Slartucker. Slartucker steps aside at the last moment. The very angry fluffy turtle falls through the mirror. Slartucker picks up a stool and hits the mirror with it. The mirror shatters.

Slartucker: It won't be back. Now, let's go find the noob.

Slartucker and Arancaytar exit.

The battle still rages and the rain still falls in the Geneforge Forum. The outlook looks poor for the forty or so Spiderwebbers still fighting a few hundred noobs. The noobs have pushed the Spiderwebbers away from the pools and from the pillar. Several noobs attack the pillar until it crumbles. Lazarus wipes rainwater out of his eyes.

Lazarus: We can't keep this up much longer. When do you think the mods will call the retreat?

Kingy shrugs and fires his thorn baton.

Kingy: As long as there are spare thorns left, I guess.

FBM: I don't think there are any thorns left.

Lazarus: Oh great. Well, this is useless now.

Lazarus tosses aside his thorn baton and picks up a stick. He begins wacking the noobs with the stick. Delicious Vlish casts terror on more noobs and then turns at a noise. He sees three figures enter the forum. Slartucker and Arancaytar are chasing Spawner and yelling for help. Delicious Vlish casts terror on more noobs and then hurries over to help Slartucker and Arancaytar. Spawner ducks as Slartucker shoots another thorn at it.

Spawner: Ha! That's six thorns! You're out of ammo now!

Spawner halts and draws the shaped blade. Slartucker reaches for more thorns, only to discover that he is out. As Spawner advances on them, Delicious Vlish approaches. He slaps Spawner across the face with a tentacle. Spawner falls to the ground, dead. Arancaytar picks up the shaped blade.

Slartucker: Thanks, Vlish. How is the battle going?

Delicious Vlish: Badly.

Delicious Vlish, Arancaytar, and Slartucker run back and rejoin the battle.

Khoth: We're being overwhelmed, Vlish. Do we call the retreat?

Delicious Vlish: No. We'll only be in the same position in the Avernum 4 Forum that we are in now if we retreat with the noobs on us.

There is a horrible cry from Archmage Alex as he is brought down by several noobs. Dikiyoba tries to fight towards him, but is cut off by all the noobs.

Archmage Alex: One cold night, you shall regret the disrepect you have shown me, noobs. In the meantime, I shall dream of nachos and shrunken pheasants.

Archmage Alex dies. Wonko the Sane finds himself cut off from the rest of the Spiderwebbers. He casts daze on the group of noobs blocking his path and runs back towards the Spiderwebbers. Unfortunately, he slips and falls in the mud. Five noobs jump on him before he can rise and quickly kill him.

The Almighty Do-er of Stuff: What do we do now? We've just lost two more members.

Delicious Vlish casts terror again. Suddenly, a noob sinks its teeth into one of Delicious Vlish's tentacles. Delicious Vlish shrieks in pain and anger and throws the noob off. However, many of the other noobs see how effective it was and bite Delicious Vlish as hard as they can. Delicious Vlish shrieks again, infuriated. It sends a blast of mental energy through everyone nearby. Noobs and Spiderwebbers fall back, stunned. With a howl, Delicious Vlish hurls himself into the noob army, tentacles flailing everywhere.

Delicious Vlish: Silly noobs! I'll kill you all! I'll kill you all!

Arancaytar: Wait! What are you doing, Vlish?

Saunders: I think he's gone rogue.

Khoth: This is our chance to retreat. The noobs have fallen back for the moment.

Slartucker: But Delicious Vlish will die if he doesn't get out of there soon. Look, he's already been injured twice more.

Kelandon: Delicious Vlish! Get out of their!

Delicious Vlish throws himself further into the noob army. He shrieks again and slaps noobs left and right.

Slartucker: He's completely out of control!

Khoth: Retreat! Retreat! Retreat to the Avernum 4 Forum!

The Spiderwebbers turn and run while the noobs are occupied with trying to bring down Delicious Vlish. Soon, everyone has exited except for Ephesos, Dikiyoba, and Slartucker.

Ephesos: I can't leave while he's still alive.

Slartucker: Neither can I. Delicious Vlish! Retreat! Delicious Vlish!

Dikiyoba: Dikiyoba doesn't think that he can hear you, Slartucker.

Slartucker: I know. But we can't run in and pull him out. There's just too many noobs. Can't you heal him or cast unshackle mind on him, Ephesos?

Ephesos: No, he's out of range. And there's no way for me to get closer without having the noobs attack me.

Delicious Vlish disappears suddenly under a group of noobs. Delicious Vlish gives a final cry that the three remaining Spiderwebbers think rather than hear. Delicious Vlish dies. Ephesos, Dikiyoba, and Slartucker exit as the noobs surge forward. The ur-noob enters unexpectedly, leading the remaining undead newbs and all the undead lurkers.

Ur-noob: HALT!

The noobs falter and stop.

Ur-noob: WHERE IS SPAWNER?

None of the noobs answer. The ur-noob looks around until it sees Spawner's body.

Ur-noob: DEAD! VERY WELL! I'LL LEAD THE NEXT ATTACK MYSELF! NOOBS, YOU CLEAN UP THIS FORUM! THE UNDEAD WILL COME WITH ME!

The ur-noob pauses to eat the body of Delicious Vlish.

Ur-noob: VERY TASTY INDEED! THESE SPIDERWEBBERS DO HAVE THEIR USES! MUWAHAHAHA!

Laughing madly, the ur-noob exits at the head of the undead army into the Averum 4 Forum.