Episode 1: Attack of the Noobs

Episode 1: Attack of the Noobs Dikiyoba Sat, 03/24/2007 - 20:54

It was a quiet time for the Spiderweb Software Message Boards. Sure, there were a few noobs to put up with now and then, but overall the boards were a peaceful, welcoming place (after one's sanity was left safely at the door, of course). Then the Spiderwebbers learned that an army of noobs was coming to change the course of the boards forever...

Episode 1 was written between March 2006 and April 2006, back when I was still fairly new. As such, it is the most primitive part of the Spiderweb Trilogy, specifically where the Richard White Cult was concerned.

Disclaimer: All characters and places are completely from the Spiderweb Software Message Boards. Any resemblance to fictional characters or places is completely coincidental. However, the events in this script are fictional and should not be taken as history or prophecy. They are here for entertainment purposes only.


Appearances Dikiyoba Sat, 03/24/2007 - 21:26
All named members are listed here in alphabetical order.

Administrators: 2

Moderators: 9
Delicious Vlish

Members: 64
Archmage Alex
Archmagus Micael
Ash Lael
Commander Eddie
Desert Pl@h
Enraged Slith
Happa Tai Yattai
Hawk King
Jumpin' Salmon
Lord Grimm (Lenar Labs)
Mysterious Man
Shaper Lord
Shaun Waun
Silent Assassin (Lenar Labs)
Sir David
Student of Trinity
Terror's Martyr
The Almighty Do-er of Stuff
The Lurker
The Ripper
The Stew Boy
Wise Man
Wonko the Sane
Zephyr Tempest

Overall total: 75


Reviews Dikiyoba Sat, 03/24/2007 - 22:34
What fans, critics, and the unsuspecting (mostly the unsuspecting) have to say about Spiderweb: Attack of the Noobs...

DIE! --Arancaytar

...I can truly say that it is inspired and amusing. Kudos. --FBM

It's almost as if the author is implying that established members of the community can do anything to influence the direction taken by the community... --Jumpin' Salmon

Great... it has some very nice touches. I like how you take things from the members' usernames and personality to create these things. It adds to the story. --Thralni

Big fat points are not as effective as slender ones... it is a fine piece of dramatic writing... --Saunders

You need help... seriously, your script sucks. --Ed

If anyone needed any more evidence that Dikiyoba has lost [Dikiyoba's] mind, then here it is. --Lazarus.

Wow! That was great. I laughed, I cried, I died... --Jewels

I think that the Spiderwebbers are much stronger than the script shows them as. --GoldenKing

Yay! --Inthrall

Cracking stuff, Dikiyoba... amazingly funny. Almost on a par with Alex's cartoons... am I really that whiney? Is that how you really spell "whiney?" --Nikki

...it's hilarious. I love it. --The Lurker

I find it quite hilarious. --Lord Grimm

Yes, I am in favor. What are we talking about? --Kelandon

It's intoxicating I tell you! --Slartucker

I GOT SOME LINES! --Wonko the Sane

I love this... all hail the prophet! Wait... it's not the prophecy? Our prayers were for naught? --Ephesos

Most enjoyable. More please! --Archmage Alex

Dibs on being the one buried by the comic gravedigger. --Dallerdin

For the record, I had no idea of some of the connotations of "boi" before now. --Croikle

I have got to get a better line in the reviews section. --Infernal666hate

...nice story. --Zeviz

Very... cumbersome. --Spring

I can't wait to read more! --Zephyr Tempest

Nyaaah! --Alorael

...what's a reaperdisk? --Dintiradan

Act 1

Act 1 Dikiyoba Sat, 03/24/2007 - 22:37
The battle begins...

Scene 1: Moderator Forum

Scene 1: Moderator Forum Dikiyoba Sat, 03/24/2007 - 22:37
The forum is very quiet. Alorael is stitching his next moniker into a quilt square. Thuryl is secretly posting and deleting, to make up for the days he missed last month. Saunders is eating a sandwich. Kelandon is instant messenging Marlenny. Drakefyre is deciding which details of Geneforge 4 to release and also deciding whether to check them for accuracy or not. Schrodinger is busy adding to the Avernum 4 walkthrough. Imban is busy being eveyone everywhere. Suddenly, Delicious Vlish runs in.

Delicious Vlish: The boards are under attack!

Thuryl: What do you mean?

Delicious Vlish: There is a horde of noobs headed this way, led by the mysterious ur-noob.

Schrodinger: What should we do?

Drakefyre: Jeff might be on these boards! I'll go see if he's here and help him to safety if he is. After all, these boards are expendable but without Jeff, there will be no more games!

Thuryl: After Avernum 4, he doesn't deserve to escape and create more games.

Drakefyre: That's because you don't know what will be in Geneforge 4.

Drakefyre exits.

Thuryl: So, what is the current situation, Delicious Vlish?

Delicious Vlish: It looks bad. The wanderers have fled, of course. The lurkers have retreated to the shadows. The newbs have absolutely no idea what to do. Why, some of them haven't even posted before. Ed is alternately in tears and insulting everyone he can. TM is with your mom.

Thuryl: What!

Thuryl runs out.

Kelandon: I'll take charge of the newbs. I'll ensure that none of them are noobs in disguise. Arancaytar can help me.

Kelandon exits.

Imban: Where will the noobs attack first?

Delicious Vlish: I heard a rumor that they are coming from underground.

Alorael: The SubTerra Forum! Delicious Vlish, are the noobs pedestrians?

Delicious Vlish: Well, they are on foot.

Alorael: Great!

Alorael grabs a sniper rifle and a bunch of skribbane potions and exits.

Schrodinger: I suppose my walkthrough will have to wait. Come on, then.

Schrodinger, Imban, and Delicious Vlish exit.

Scene 2: General Forum

Scene 2: General Forum Dikiyoba Sat, 03/24/2007 - 23:02
All of the newbs stand in a long line. Arancaytar is handing each one a copy of the Code of Conduct. Kelandon is inspecting each one closely.

Kelandon: You look good. Excellent, excellent. Ah! You there! Arghhhhhhhhh, what do you have to say for yourself?

Arghhhhhhhhh: this is a good fanatasy just like eragon and dragonlance i like fanatasys

Kelandon: You're a noob! Take him away! Ban his account!

Arghhhhhhhhh: arghhhhhhhhhh! ive been banned!

Arghhhhhhhhh disappears in a cloud of smoke.

Kelandon: Next! Well, you look fine. No blemishes on your account. Of course, you haven't ever posted. And you look fine too. Just came here for technical help? Sorry about all this. Shaper Lord, what do you have to say for yourself?

Shaper Lord: This forum is stupid. I don't see why anyone would waste their time attacking it, let alone defending it.

Kelandon: Well, you don't have to. But you won't get any more chances to insult it, either.

Shaper Lord disappears in a cloud of smoke. Drakefyre enters.

Drakefyre: Well, Jeff has escaped to create more games. Hopefully, the plots are better than Avernum 4.

Arancaytar: Great! All the newbs have been given a copy of the Code of Conduct. I'm going to go see if I can entice some of the lurkers out of the shadows.

Arancaytar exits.

Kelandon: Good, good. Nothing wrong with you. You, learn to spell. Otherwise, it's good. Hey! You're that crazy Minotaur guy!

I_am_a_Minotaur: Yes! I am a Minotaur! Soon, a horde of minotaurs will come...

Kelandon: Good-bye, I_am_a_Minotaur.

I_am_a_Minotaur disappears in a cloud of smoke.

Drakefyre: Wait a minute... since when did you have the ability to ban people?

Kelandon: Ever since you gave me my custom title.

Drakefyre: Oh. (Long pause.) Well, you seem to have everything under control. I'm off to the SubTerra Forum.

Drakefyre exits.

Kelandon: You look fine. So do you. Zephyr Tempest, what are you doing here?

Zephyr Tempest: As I was canned, I thought that I should...

Kelandon: No, you've been cleared. Go join the others.

Zephyr Tempest: Really? Woo hoo!

Zephyr Tempest runs out.

Kelandon: You look good. You haven't posted. You, I'm not so sure of. I'll let you stay for now. Be sure that you behave yourself.

Arancaytar enters.

Arancaytar: I can't get any lurkers to join us. I had one come out, but he promptly disappeared again.

Kelandon: Not surprising, Aran. I'm down to the final newb... Ed.

Ed: Yes, it is me. I have returned. What are you going to do about it, you silly cucumber?

Kelandon: I think I'll ban you.

Ed: No, you won't. I'm leaving. But I'll be back when you don't expect it.

Ed runs out.

Arancaytar: How can he come back when we don't expect it if we always expect it?

Kelandon: I'll get him when he comes back. Arancaytar, you take charge of the newbs. I'm going to see if I can find Lenar Labs. He's the only one who can translate for the Silent Assassin. I suspect the Silent Assassin will be able to encourage the lurkers to fight.

Arancaytar: What am I supposed to do with the newbs while you're away? I'm not a moderator.

Kelandon: You'll think of something.

Kelandon exits.

Arancaytar: Uh...hello, newbs. What should I do about you all? (Long pause.) Hmm...I got it. You there, go fetch blue paint. Lots and lots of blue paint. The rest of you, start stripping.

Act 2

Act 2 Dikiyoba Sat, 03/24/2007 - 23:49
The defense of the SubTerra Forum...

Scene 1: SubTerra Forum

Scene 1: SubTerra Forum Dikiyoba Sat, 03/24/2007 - 23:50
Most of the more prominent members are standing in ranks. *i is stands in front of the ranked masses, waiting for the first noob to appear. Alorael is sitting atop a huge boulder, holding his rifle and guzzling a skribbane potion in a leisurely way. Zephyr Tempest is hopping up and down excitedly.

Zephyr Tempest: Can you see them? Can you see them?

*i: Alorael, scan for noobs! Schrodinger, put that walkthrough away.

Schrodinger: Sorry.

Alorael, who stands up and looks around: I see them! The noobs are coming! Yeehaw!

Alorael drinks another skribbane potion and readies his rifle.

*i: Don't charge yet...

Thralni: I think I should translate "noob" into nephilian.

Slartucker: Why?

Thralni: So I can yell "Death to the noobs!" when I charge.

An army of noobs appear on the horizon. They look like mindless zombies, except that they aren't dead. And they have significantly less brains, as well.

Ephesos: Gah! They look like undead. I hate undead. I really, really, really...

Tyranicus: We know, Ephesos.

Alorael: They're on foot! They're pedestrians!

Alorael begins firing wildly at the noobs. Many noobs fall, but the rest keep coming forward mindlessly.

*i: Show them no mercy, Spiderwebbers. Charge!

Nicothodes and Sherbiebaby dash past *i to lead the charge. Once they reach the front lines, they begin stabbing the noobs with pens. Terror's Martyr begins crushing noobs with devastating one-line personal attacks. Actually, the insults really aren't that insulting, just stupid. But since the noobs are too stupid to realize that, they simply collapse. Archmage Alex has a horde of stick figures guarding him as he draws cartoons. Mailboxes, barrels of spam, and two-tailed cows fall from the sky to crush countless noobs. Alorael is still sniping at the noobs.

Alorael: Woo hoo! I love this!

Alorael drinks another skribbane potion. Meanwhile, Nikki is fighting his way towards Nicothodes. Suddenly, Synergy appears at his side.

Nikki: What are you doing here?

Synergy: Don't ask. Aww, aren't Nicothodes and her friend so cute?

Up ahead, Nicothodes and Sherbiebaby are clearly enjoying themselves.

Nicothodes: This is so much fun. This is much better than stabbing each other.

Sherbiebaby: Yeah, I agree. We should do this more often. Take that, noob!

Sherbiebaby stabs a noob.

Nicothodes: And there's no shortage of noobs in the world. There might be after we're through with them, though.

A noob shambles up and reaches for Nicothodes.

Noob: lol 1337 lol woot

Nicothodes: Die!

The noob dies.

Sherbiebaby: Ha ha.

Synergy and Nikki arrive.

Synergy: Hi. We're here to join you. The two of you are just so cute.

Nicothodes stabs another noob moodily.

Nicothodes: Sure, whatever. Sherbie, get that noob sneaking past you.

Sherbiebaby stabs the noob, then circles around to stab another. Nicothodes dispatches two noobs with one stab.

Synergy: Oh, that was so cute.

Nicothodes: I can't take it any more! No cookies for you!

Nicothodes stabs Synergy.

Synergy: It's so cute the way you stabbed me... urg.

Synergy dies.

Nicothodes: And that goes for anyone else too. I refuse to be called cute ever again!

Nikki: Uh... Nico?

Nicothodes stabs another noob.

Nicothodes: What?

Nikki: Do you have a spare pen?

Nicothodes: Oh, sure. I carry no less than seven pens with me at all times. Die, noob!

Nicothodes kills another noob and then hands Nikki a pen.

Nicothodes: Here you go.

Sherbiebaby: And here's a spare, in case something happens to the first.

Sherbiebaby hands Nikki a pen as well. Nikki stabs his first noob.

Noob: urg i ben wounded

Nicothodes: Don't be so hesitant. Just kill them. Like this.

Nicothodes kills the wounded noob.

Nikki: Okay. Like this?

Nikki kills a noob.

Sherbiebaby: Yeah, you got it. Let's try dual-wielding now.

The three of them charge deeper into the pack of noobs, all three wielding two pens. Meanwhile, Delicious Vlish is terrifying noobs with his mighty tentacles. Sir David is lighting noobs on fire and watching them run around shrieking. Drakefyre is handing noobs mysterious, unlabled bottles and telling them to drink the contents. MagmaDragoon is using a flaming sword to kill noobs. Ben4808 is writing a script that sucks noobs into a swirling vortex. Alorael drinks yet another skribbane potion and fires on more noobs. But the noobs are slowly starting to push the Spiderwebbers back.

Scene 2: General Forum

Scene 2: General Forum Dikiyoba Sat, 03/24/2007 - 23:52
Thuryl and Tyranicus enter and begin searching for pens, pencils, and other pointy writing implements.

Tyranicus: Here's a good one.

Thuryl: Good. Add it to the pile. This is an interesting new bandwagon. At least they've dropped the whole "Nathan Ashby" bandwagon.

Suddenly, there are sounds of a violent scuffle coming from somewhere nearby. Arancaytar is thrown into view. He has a bucket of blue paint over his head.

Thuryl: What just happened, Aran?

Arancaytar: (Mutters) Well, that certainly unleashed his violent nature.

Tyranicus: Again, what did you just do?

Arancaytar stands up, tosses the bucket aside, and tries to wipe blue paint off of his clothes.

Arancaytar: I had the newbs strip and paint each other blue. Some of them weren't happy. And some of them were a little too happy. Kelandon banned the latter group, of course.

Tyranicus: Cool! You're turning all the newbs into Celts. Will they defend the Nethergate Forum?

Arancaytar: Only if you help out.

Tyranicus: Sure!

Arancaytar hands Tyranicus a paintbrush.

Arancaytar: Here. Go report to Kelandon. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go clean up and write the monthly stats.

Thuryl: We're at war, Aran.

Arancaytar: That will be noted in the stats.

Arancaytar exits.

Thuryl: Well, I have enough pens for now. Bye, Tyranicus.

Thuryl exits. Tyranicus enters another part of the General Forum, where Kelandon is watching the newbs fight.

Tyranicus: I'm taking Arancaytar's place, Kelandon.

Kelandon: Good. Now maybe I can find out how Lenar Labs and the Silent Assassin are doing with the lurkers.

Kelandon exits.

Tyranicus: Excuse me!

The newbs stop fighting.

Tyranicus: Newbs, are you ready to go out and fight to defend the Nethergate Forum?

Newbs: Uh...

Tyranicus: Come on, you can do better than that! Are you ready to go out and defend the greatest game ever created by Spiderweb Software?

Newbs: Yeah!

Tyranicus: I can't hear you!

Newbs: Yeah! Kill the noobs! Kill the noobs!

Tyranicus: Finish getting painted. I'm going to the Nethergate Forum to gather supplies. I'll be right back.

Tyranicus exits. The newbs engage in some sort of war dance. Kelandon, Lenar Labs, and the Silent Assassin enter.

Kelandon: How are you doing with the lurkers, Silent Assassin?

The Silent Assassin makes a wild series of hand motions.

Lenar Labs: The Silent Assassin has had no success convincing the lurkers to fight. The Silent Assassin is now requesting to go on a secret mission to slay the ur-noob.

Kelandon sighs.

Kelandon: Fine. Let him do whatever he wants. Just send in the Lurker and Wanderer. Maybe they will have better luck.

The Silent Assassin does a few more weird hand signals.

Lenar Labs: The Silent Assassin thanks you and will take his leave now.

Lenar Labs and the Silent Assassin leave. Tyranicus enters. He is wearing leather armor, a leather helmet, pants, boots, a cloak, javelins, and an iron spear. He is also carrying a very large sack, which he places on the ground in front of the newbs.

Tyranicus: I've got some short swords here for you. Arm yourselves, and then I'll teach you some basic moves.

Lenar Labs and the Silent Assassin enter with Wanderer and the Lurker.

Kelandon: We're still having problems drawing the lurkers out of the shadows and convincing them to fight for us. Do you think you could help, Wanderer, the Lurker?

The Lurker: Sure. Why not?

Kelandon: Good. Follow me.

Kelandon, the Lurker, and Wanderer exit.

Tyranicus: All right. Everyone have a sword now? Good. First of all, you should...

Scene 3: SubTerra Forum

Scene 3: SubTerra Forum Dikiyoba Sat, 03/24/2007 - 23:54
The battle is raging fiercely all over the forum. Alorael is still sniping the noobs between swigs of his skribbane. Delicious Vlish is casting terror on noobs, causing them to trample each other. Ash Lael is forcing noobs into the most difficult SubTerra level ever created. Once inside, the noobs can't figure a way out. Wonko the Sane, because he decided to go the whole war without killing anything, is punching noobs in the face. Dikiyoba is standing on a small rock, preaching to the noobs.

Dikiyoba: Dikiyoba says that anyone can become a productive and valuable forum member! All one has to do is use proper punctuation. Use correct capitalization! Don't spam! Obey the Code of Conduct! Just by following these simple rules, one can become a useful addition to any forum, just like Dikiyoba!

Over a dozen noobs stand at the base of the rock, slightly stunned by Dikiyoba's usage of words like "punctuation" and "conduct" and even "Dikiyoba." Every once in a while, a half-convinced noob detaches itself from the group. Soon, however, it forgets what it heard and becomes thoughtless and illiterate once more. One such noobs wanders over and attacks GoldenKing. GoldenKing blocks the attack with his pizza shield, then hits the noob with a lump of chocolate from a sling.

GoldenKing: Heehee. Take that, noob!

GoldenKing slings another noob. Then he notices one of Alorael's empty skribbane bottles. He picks it up.

GoldenKing: Hey! What's this? It smells good.

GoldenKing licks the rim of the bottle.

GoldenKing: This is great stuff! This is better than canisters!

GoldenKing shakes the last drops of the potion into his mouth. Then he sees Alorael's sack of full skribbane potions lying next to him on the boulder. GoldenKing works his way towards the boulder, slinging noobs for good measure. At the rear of the battle, *i is watching the battle progress grimly.

*i: Thralni!

Thralni: Yes, *i?

*i: Fly above the battle and tell me what you can see.

Thralni flies into the air and shouts a report.

Thralni: We're fighting well, *i, but for every noob we kill, ten more take its place. We're being pushed back. And we're completely out of pens.

*i: Where is Thuryl with those pens?

Thuryl and Arancaytar enter. Arancaytar recently showered and wears clean clothes but he still has a blotch of blue paint on his forehead.

Thuryl: Come and get your pens!

Many Spiderwebbers run up to Thuryl and take a pen. Then they rush back to the battle. Nikki, Nicothodes, and Sherbiebaby are now completely surrounded by noobs but are causing devastation with two pens each.

Slartucker: Ha! Pens! Who needs pens when you have an entire desk?

Slartucker throws his desk into a pack of noobs. The noobs fly everywhere. Slartucker retrieves the desk and then throws it again.

Arancaytar: I just finished the monthly stats! How is the battle going?

Thralni: Hey! You look like Harry Potter, Aran.

Arancaytar looks disgruntled and rubs at the paint, but says nothing. Just then, Jumpin' Salmon runs up to *i.

Jumpin' Salmon: *i, I saw Nicothodes kill Synergy! She's psycho!

*i: Where did Synergy even come from?

Jumpin' Salmon: I have no idea. Anyway, Synergy called Nicothodes cute. And she stabbed him with her pen!

Thuryl: I keep telling people that it’s not polite to call someone something they don’t want to be called...

Jumpin' Salmon: What do I do? I’ve called her cute! What if she decides to come after me?

Thuryl: Well, you could try apologizing...

Jumpin' Salmon: Hmm. That is an idea. Do you have any pens left?

Thuryl: Last one. Now I have to go back to look for some more.

Thuryl hands Jumpin' Salmon a pen. Jumpin' Salmon rejoins the battle. Thuryl exits. *i exits. In the middle of the forum, GoldenKing successfully reaches Alorael’s boulder. While Alorael is busy reloading, GoldenKing steals two skribbane potions. GoldenKing slings another noob, then runs off. When he is a safe distance away, he sits behind a rock and opens the first potion.

Dikiyoba: And that's how you properly quote someone. Anyone have any questions for Dikiyoba?

Noob: And that's how you properly quote someone. Anyone have any questions for Dikiyoba? yes

Dikiyoba: Hey! You've been here since the beginning. Dikiyoba has gone over quoting someone five times now. Dikiyoba is patient, but not that patient. Dikiyoba wants you to leave, noob.

GoldenKing slings the offending noob and hits another one over the head with the empty skribbane bottle.

GoldenKing: Heehee! Oh, sorry, Dikiyoba. I’m going somewhere else now. Take this, noob. And the same for you!

GoldenKing hits two noobs with one lump of chocolate as he leaves. Drakefyre enters.

Drakefyre: Icshi! Student of Trinity! Ben4808! Spring! And all you other members of the Richard White Cult! You know who you are...or at least, the implants do.

All of the members of the Richard White Cult who can make it out of the battle assemble before Drakefyre.

Drakefyre: The SubTerra Forum will soon be closed. It's time for you to go to the Richard White Games Forum and prepare.

Spring: Will we get our implants upgraded?

Icshi: They've already been upgraded.

Drakefyre: Stop wasting time. It's time to go.

Drakefyre, Icshi, the members of the Richard White Cult exit. *i enters. Meanwhile, Jumpin' Salmon battles his way towards Nicothodes, Nikki, and Sherbiebaby.

Jumpin' Salmon: Hello, Nicothodes.

Nicothodes stabs a noob.

Nicothodes: What do you want?

Jumpin' Salmon: I just wanted to say that I've changed my mind. You aren't cute. In fact, I think you're ugly.

Nicothodes smiles at him. Suddenly, she jumps at him.

Jumpin' Salmon: What in the...

Jumpin' Salmon and Nicothodes land on the ground. The huge battle axe of a gigantic, armored noob narrowly misses them.

Sherbiebaby: It's a 1337 h4x0r, the most feared and arrogant type of noob!

Nikki darts forward and stabs the 1337 h4x0r. His pen breaks.

Sherbiebaby: Run, Nikki! Distract it!

Nikki and Sherbiebaby take off. The 1337 h4x0r follows them. It scatters noobs left and right, often slaying those who don’t get out of the way quick enough.

Nikki: It’s gaining on us!

Shebiebaby: Oh no! There’s one ahead of us, too!

Nikki glances back. The 1337 h4x0r is gaining on the pair.

Nikki: Just keep running straight!

The 1337 h4x0rs catch up with Nikki and Sherbiebaby. As they lift their axes, Nikki and Sherbiebaby dodge aside. The 1337 h4x0rs slay each other instead.

Nikki: Gross!

Sherbiebaby: Actually, I thought it was kind of cool. Hey, what’s that?

The noobs ahead of them seem agitated and fearful. Dozens of 1337 h4x0rs appear. Behind them, something huge and hulking appears.

Nikki: That must be the ur-noob! It has to be at least ten feet tall!

Sherbiebaby: I think it’s closer to twelve. Let’s get out of here. I don’t want to meet it.

Nikki and Sherbiebaby rush back to Nicothodes and Jumpin’ Salmon.

Nikki: We saw the ur-noob!

Nicothodes: That 1337 h4x0r was the ur-noob?

Sherbiebaby: No, the ur-noob is much, much bigger.

Jumpin’ Salmon: We must tell *i!

The four of them retreat until they meet up with *i. They explain what they saw. *i looks worried. Just then, Thuryl, Lenar Labs, and the Silent Assassin enter.

Thuryl: I couldn’t find any more pens, so I brought lots of sticks instead. They aren’t as easy to use as pens, but they can do a lot more damage if handled correctly.

*i: Thuryl, the ur-noob has appeared.

Suddenly, the Silent Assassin steps forward and makes several gestures.

Lenar Labs: The Silent Assassin is informing you that he intends to hunt down and kill the ur-noob. He’s asking permission to begin.

*i: Go right ahead. I’m closing this forum, though. It’ll be difficult to make a quick escape.

The Silent Assassin salutes quickly then threads his way through the battle.

Lenar Labs: Good luck, Silent Assassin!

*i: Let’s hope the Richard White Cult can halt the noobs. This forum’s time is up. Retreat! Retreat!

Spiderwebbers stream from the battlefield to the next forum. Thuryl hands many of them sticks as they depart.

*i: Retreat!

Alorael, who is out of ammo, rummages through the sack and comes up with the last skribbane potion.

Alorael: Hmm. I could have sworn I still had four potions left. Oh well. Time to go recharge!

Alorael drinks the potion and then exits. GoldenKing stashes two of his stolen potions in his pocket and drinks the third. Then he exits.

Dikiyoba: Bye, noobs. Remember what Dikiyoba has taught you!

Dikiyoba exits. When the last Spiderwebber leaves, *i exits and closes the forum permanently.

Act 3

Act 3 Dikiyoba Sun, 03/25/2007 - 21:40
The cultists battle for that which will have was...

Scene 1: Richard White Games Forum

Scene 1: Richard White Games Forum Dikiyoba Sun, 03/25/2007 - 21:47
The members of the Richard White cult stand ready for the first noobs to break into the forum. They stand together in perfectly straight ranks, looking unusually calm and mysterious. All of them are wearing robes with hoods covering their faces. They are also armed with large tranquilizer guns.

Student of Trinity: Why are we wearing these robes again? I thought the only thing you needed to join the cult was an implant?

Spring: It was, until Icshi retroactively made robes a requirement of the cult.

Ben4808: Does it seem like we have fewer people than usual?

Wise Man: They'll turn up again. They always do.

The Almighty Do-er of Stuff indicates his gun.

The Almighty Do-er of Stuff: Does anyone know why the needles in these guns are so huge?

Drew: Because these tranquilizer guns were meant to knock elephants unconscious for a few hours.

Ben4808: But noobs are much smaller than elephants.

Student of Trinity: Duh. We're trying to kill them, not knock them unconscious for a few hours.

Hawk King: Is it true that Navy SEALS will be helping to defend this forum?

Icshi walks by to inspect everyone and overhears the question.

Icshi: And ferrets. But if worst comes to worst, trust your implants.

The members who do not belong in the cult are grouped behind the cult. They are all armed with sticks. Alorael enters with his sniper rifle, extra ammunition, and an even larger sack of skribbane potions.

Drakefyre: You're late!

Alorael: It's never too late for sniping!

Alorael climbs onto another rock. GoldenKing sneaks after him. While Alorael views the forum in front of him, GoldenKing steals five skribbane potions.

Drakefyre: The noobs should start arriving any second now.

Icshi: Spread out, cult members! The first noobs are here!

Several dozen noobs enter the forum. They are quickly slain by the tranquilizers. Alorael turns to yell at the cult members.

Alorael: Boo! I only killed four of them! Your needles are no fun!

Several dozen more noobs enter the forum. Then several dozen more. This repeats itself several dozen times. Then it repeats several dozen more times. Anyway, the forum is soon full of noobs. But the cult members are easily taking down the noobs. In fact, the non-cult members haven’t even had to raise their sticks yet.

Wise Man: Hey, that noob looks different. What does it have on its shoulder?

Student of Trinity: It looks like a chip to me. Oh well. Shoot it.

Wise Man shoots the noob with the chip on its shoulder. The noob explodes, killing several noobs around it.

Spring: It looks like that was a flamer. We definitely want to kill them from a distance.

Student of Trinity: Look! There's lots of them!

Alorael downs another skribbane potion and shoots a flamer, which explodes.

Alorael: Heehee! Eight noobs with one bullet.

GoldenKing: Heehee! Eight skribbane potions in one go.

GoldenKing runs off with the stolen skribbane. He slings a lump of chocolate at a flamer but the explosion only kills three noobs.

Ben4048: Icshi! There's too many of them! The flamers will soon be close enough to hit us!

Icshi: Send in the ferrets!

Suddenly, ferrets parachute from the sky. They quickly swarm the noobs, biting their ankles until the noobs are driven back. But the ferrets are being killed off quickly.

Hawk King: The ferrets won’t last long, Icshi. What else do you have planned?

Spring: That's on a need-to-know only basis, Hawk.

Hawk King: Yeah, well, I think we need to know. There's a group of 1337 h4x0rs headed straight for us.

Icshi: Send in the navy seals!

Swarms of dark blue leopard seals flop into the melee. They bite the noobs’ ankles, only much more effectively than the ferrets did. Plus, their bulk makes them much hardier and difficult to kick off.

Student of Trinity: And here I thought we were going to be getting help from Navy SEALS.

The battle rages on. Alorael, GoldenKing, and the cult members are shooting the flamers, leaving the noobs and 1337 h4x0rs to the ferrets and seals. But the cult members are running low on tranquilizing needles and the various types of noobs are gaining ground. The non-cult members are starting to look worried, not having the cult's faith in retroactivity.

Scene 2: SubTerra Forum

Scene 2: SubTerra Forum Dikiyoba Sun, 03/25/2007 - 21:55
The Silent Assassin moves quickly and silently through the noob army. Without Lenar Labs to announce his moves, few take any notice of him. The ones who do are quickly assassinated, though it isn’t immediately apparent whether their deaths are caused by blade, magic, or mental powers. The Silent Assassin carefully avoids a 1337 h4x0r and continues on his way. The Silent Assassin glances back to see more and more noobs exiting the SubTerra Forum and entering the Richard White Games Forum. The Silent Assassin steps away from another 1337 h4x0r passing by, and then kills the 1337 h4x0r from behind. Then the Silent Assassin hears the ur-noob speak.


The Silent Assassin pulls behind a rock and covers his ears in pain. The ur-noob’s voice is a hideous high-pitched shriek.

31337 h4x0r: The noobs had some trouble passing from the SubTerra Forum into Richard White Games Forum, but that problem has been rectified, your Noobness.

Spawner: I've hired the best mercenary flamers available, your Noobness. They've already arrived and are attacking with the rest.

The Silent Assassin continues to cower. This time, the ur-noob’s voice is a low, fiery growl.


31337 h4x0r: Of course, your Noobness.

Spawner: Yes, your Noobness.

Spawner and 31337 h4x0r march off. The Silent Assassin continues to hide. As he hides, he starts to think. Clearly, the ur-noob is far beyond his skill. He should flee and report to the Richard White Games Forum at once, perhaps killing many 1337 h4x0rs along the way. But that wouldn’t be very assassin-like. He should at least see what the ur-noob looks like. The Silent Assassin slowly stands up...and sees himself reflected in the enormous eye of the ur-noob. The ur-noob opens its jaws and lunges. The Silent Assassin sees huge, gleaming, serrated fangs.

Silent Assassin: Holy flaming reaperdisks!

Scene 3: Moderator Forum

Scene 3: Moderator Forum Dikiyoba Sun, 03/25/2007 - 21:57
Arancaytar has abandoned the General Forum where Tyranicus is still training the newbs to fight and Kelandon is still trying to drag the lurkers out of the shadows with Wanderer and the Lurker’s help and sneaked into the Moderator Forum to continue updating the monthly stats in peace and quiet. He had originally planned to count the number of noobs slain by each member but the number of noobs slain by Alorael had made his computer explode and the number of noobs slain by the Richard White cult had turned the ashes of the computer into little red roses. So Arancaytar is forced to update the stats using only his brainpower and a looking glass. Of course, the number of noobs slain by each member had to be dropped from the stats. Arancaytar suddenly winces and writes the Silent Assassin’s name down next to Synergy under the heading for members slain.

Scene 4: Richard White Games Forum

Scene 4: Richard White Games Forum Dikiyoba Sun, 03/25/2007 - 22:05
Dikiyoba and Dintiradan are talking while waiting for the flamers, 1337 h4x0rs, and noobs to break through the line of ferrets and seals. Lenar Labs is nearby, waiting for the Silent Assassin to return.

Lenar Labs: The Silent Assassin is approaching the ur-noob. Now he's stabbed a 1337 h4x0r.

Dikiyoba: Dikiyoba is keeping a close eye on you, Dintiradan.

Dintiradan: Why is that?

Dikiyoba: Dikiyoba has seen all the "evil overlord" quotes Dintiradan has posted recently. Dintiradan could be working for the ur-noob.

Dintiradan: That's ridiculous. I only work for myself and my evil scheme is nowhere near completion. It probably won’t ever reach completion, either, given how things look at the moment.

Lenar Labs: The Silent Assassin is hiding behind a rock now. Now he's standing up and...oh no! No! No!

Dintiradan: What is it, Lenar Labs?

Lenar Labs: The Silent Assassin is dead! My brother! I... I...

Lenar Labs falls to the ground, unconscious.

Dikiyoba: Help Dikiyoba get Lenar Labs to the Tech Support Forum, Dintiradan!

Dintiradan and Dikiyoba pick Lenar Labs up and exit.

Scene 5: Tech Support Forum

Scene 5: Tech Support Forum Dikiyoba Sun, 03/25/2007 - 22:09
The Tech Support Forum has been transformed into an infirmary for wounded members. Ephesos seems to be in charge. Schrodinger is also there, writing a guide on the different ways to treat injuries. Delicious Vlish and Thralni are also present.

Ephesos: How are you doing, Delicious Vlish?

Delicious Vlish has two of his tentacles wrapped in bandages.

Delicious Vlish: Silly 1337 h4x0r stepped on my tentacles. But I killed it. And my tentacles are much better now.

Ephesos: Good. Are you ready to leave?

Delicious Vlish: Yes. I must go out and teach the silly noobs a painful lesson.

Delicious Vlish exits.

Ephesos: Now, what’s the matter with you, Thralni?

Thralni: I was flying out of the SubTerra Forum during the retreat. When I started to come down, I landed on a noob and broke my arm on its thick skull.

Ephesos casts a healing spell on Thralni's arm. It heals instantly.

Thralni: Thanks, Ephesos. I'm going back to the battle now.

Thralni exits. Dintiradan and Dikiyoba enter with Lenar Labs.

Ephesos: Put him on the bed. What happened to him?

Dintiradan: The Silent Assassin was killed and Lenar Labs went into shock.

Ephesos: Well, there's nothing I can do. Leave him here and we'll let him recover.

Dintiradan: Isn't there something you can do? You know, like cast unshackle mind or something?

Ephesos: It doesn’t work on grief. Now, please leave.

Dikiyoba: Right, Ephesos.

Dintiradan and Dikiyoba exit.

Scene 6: Richard White Games Forum

Scene 6: Richard White Games Forum Dikiyoba Sun, 03/25/2007 - 22:13
The noobs have basically vanquished the ferrets and the seals. Now they move to attack the Richard White cult members. Icshi steps forward and raises a hand. The noob charge grinds to a sudden halt.

Ischi: I summon the leader of the Richard White Cult, who leads us by his--or her, or its--very mysteriousness (the mysteriousness and retroactivity makes it impossible to tell, I mean, Richard might very well be dead and his wife have taken over at any moment in time as far as we can tell), and who teaches us about the power of all things retroactive, and who may or may not be Richard White, or indeed Richard Black. Soon, all you noobs will understand the implications of the power of the Richard White cult! Come forward, mighty leader!

Hawk King: Ischi, aren't you the leader of the cult?

Ischi: Technically, I am. But who do you think I worship?

The cult members step aside as the true leader of the cult steps forward. The leader is both much taller and much shorter than all the other cult members, and wears a robe that alternates between black and white. The hood is pulled so low over his face--or hers, or its--that it is impossible to see the face, if indeed a face exists, existed, or will exist. The leader stops nearly twenty feet in front of the rest of the cult members and about an equal distance stands between the leader and the army of noobs, since the noobs had retreated a fair distance in shock and awe. The leader raises a hand and dramatically points it at the army of noobs. Suddenly, a huge pile of beans falls from the sky and smothers the leader of the cult.

Icshi: What!

Ben4048: Oh dear.

The noobs stare at the pile of beans for a moment, then break into uproarious laughter. Icshi shrugs.

Icshi: So it's come to this. Oh well. Charge!

The cult members shake off their shock and charge forward into the noobs, driving the noobs back a few paces. The other Spiderwebbers charge forward as well.

FBM: Death to noobs!

Noob: d347h 2…uh…

The noob stops to think about how to put “Spiderwebbers” into 1337 5p34k. FMB smashes it with a stick before the noob can figure it out.

FBM: It’s so good to be back!

Jumpin' Salmon climbs onto the boulder next to Alorael's with a fishing rod. He ties a registration code lure onto the end of it and casts it out. Soon, a 1337 h4x0r spots it and chases after it as Jumpin' Salmon reels it in. The 1337 h4x0r runs into a flamer. The resulting explosion kills over thirty noobs. Jumpin' Salmon finishes reeling the line in, attaches another lure, and casts it out again.

Alorael: Nice move, Salmon!

Alorael shoots another flamer.

GoldenKing: Nise…scribane…mmm…

GoldenKing meanders tipsily off with more stolen skribbane. At the other end of the forum, the captains of the noob army are watching the battle progress. The leader of the flamers is haranguing the noobs who hang back.

Troll Master: Get up there, you half-baked pieces of spam! Come on, idiots! Finish them off! How hard can it be?

Spawner: Look! A group of Spiderwebbers is cut off from the rest!

Troll Master: Yes! This is the moment I’ve been looking forward to! Come on, flamers!

Troll Master runs off, shouting at all the rank-and-file noobs it passes.

Troll Master: Soon the forums will be ours! HTML will be enabled! Chaos will be everywhere! Fight harder, you morons, and our victory will be assured!

31337 h4x0r: How did you convince Troll Master and its flamers to join, anyway?

Spawner: I promised them the Miscellaneous Forum.

31337 h4x0r: That forum no longer exists.

Spawner: Duh. That’s why I promised it to them. Anyway, the ur-noob intends for them all to die.

31337 h4x0r: The ur-noob? More like the ur-Bob.

Spawner: Your Bobness. Heeheehee!

3l337 h4x0r: Hahaha! No more! Hahaha! Your Bobness….hahaha!

The 31337 h4x0r stops laughing suddenly.

31337 h4x0r: Wait…why is the ur-noob so desperate to conquer this message board? I mean, why not Polaris or the RIFQ?

Spawner: I have no idea and I'm too afraid to ask.

31337 h4x0r: That's what I thought. Oh well. I’m off to the front lines now.

31337 h4x0r marches off. In the middle of the battlefield, Spring, Wise Man, Student of Trinity, and Icshi are separated from the rest of the Spiderwebbers. Out of needles, they smack noobs with the butt of their tranquilizing guns and pray that they don’t meet a flamer.

Student of Trinity: We must rejoin the others, or we're all doomed.

Icshi whacks a noob with his gun.

Icshi: I'm trying to think of something!

Wise Man: There's a flamer almost on us!

Spring throws a bean at the flamer, causing it to explode.

Student of Trinity: That was close! How many of those do you have?

Spring: Just four more.

Wise Man: Look out!

Student of Trinity, Wise Man, and Icshi all dive out of the way in time as a giant fireball comes their way. Spring, however, is badly burned. Troll Master throws back its head and laughs.

Troll Master: Hahaahahahaha!

Icshi drops to his knees alongside Spring.

Icshi: Speak to me, Spring!

Spring: This... wouldn’t have happened... if... I... had gotten... an upgrade... to my... implants... like I... asked... urg...

Spring dies.

Icshi: No!

At Icshi’s yell, all the noobs blocking off the small group vanish into tomorrow and Wise Man, Student of Trinity, and Icshi run for their lives.

Drakefyre: What happened, Icshi?

Icshi: I regret to inform you that our dear friend Spring is with us no more.

Drakefyre: Out with it! What are you saying?

Icshi: Spring is dead! Urg...

Icshi falls to the ground, dead. The 31337 hax0r laughs as he raises another throwing axe. Drakefyre ducks the thrown axe.

Drakefyre: Retreat! Retreat! Retreat to the Nethergate Forum!

With the noobs close behind, the Spiderwebbers flee into the next forum. GoldenKing has difficulty standing up, but once on his feet he takes off, though not in a straight line. FBM is tripped by a noob while fleeing, but he quickly rolls over, stabs the noob, jumps up, and runs out. Sir David pauses and yells at the Troll Master, who is standing atop the pile of beans.

Sir David: I have four times as much firepower as you. Take that!

Just as Sir David is about to cast a massive fireball, the Troll Master laughs madly. The power is drained from Sir David.

Troll Master: Now I have five times more firepower than you! Or something like that. Anyway, take this!

Student of Trinity: I summon the delicious trinity of chocolate, vanilla, and strawberry flavors that comprises Neapolitan ice cream!

Sir David is shielded by a huge wall of Neapolitan ice cream. The fireball hits it instead, dissolving a wall into a sticky mess. Fortunately, it lasted long enough to enable Sir David and Student of Trinity to escape. The last Spiderwebber left in the forum is Terror's Martyr. He also yells at the Troll Master.

Terror's Martyr: I'll see you in the BoE forum, [CENSORED], and I'll [CENSORED] to your [CENSORED]!

Terror's Martyr exits.

Act 4

Act 4 Dikiyoba Sun, 03/25/2007 - 22:31
The newbs charge into action...

Scene 1: Nethergate Forum

Scene 1: Nethergate Forum Dikiyoba Sun, 03/25/2007 - 22:36
A short time before the retreat of the Spiderwebbers in the Richard White Games Forum, Tyranicus leads the army of blue newbs into the Nethergate Forum. He leans on his spear as he shouts commands.

Tyranicus: Line up there! Hey, you there! Pay attention, or I'll feed you to Arctic Wolf!

Newb: But I'm the one who’s hungry!

Tyranicus: You'll get food in a moment.

Newb: But I'm hungry now!

Tyranicus closes his eyes. When he opens them again, the newb is mysteriously gone. The other newbs gather into ranks. Alec enters, dressed in an outrageous uniform and carrying a huge scimitar.

Alec: Need any help?

Tyranicus: Sure, if you know what you're doing.

Alec: I am a talented general who has never lost a battle in my life.

Tyranicus: Have you ever been in a battle before?

Alec: Aside from flamefests? No, but I have studied the careers of many famous and not-so-famous generals. And I have the arrogance to match any of those generals.

Tyranicus: It'll have to do, I suppose. So, do you have any strategies we could implement? Newb, get off the ground and quit making daisy chains. This is serious business.

Alec: So, are the newbs actually capable of anything?

Tyranicus: Amazingly, yes. Most have been trained to fight in melee. Others are skilled javelineers and a few have even learned a few simple spells.

Alec: Put the melee fighters up front and have the spellcasters and javelineers behind.

Tyranicus: That goes without saying. All right, newbs. You heard what you’re supposed to do. Now get into position.

Grumbling, the newbs rearrange themselves. No sooner are they in position when the first of the retreating Spiderwebbers enter the Nethergate Forum. Some halt behind the line of newbs. Others are injured or are helping out injured members and continue to the Tech Support Forum. Alorael runs to the Moderator Forum to replenish his supply of skribbane. Terror's Martyr, *i, and several other BoE scripters head for the Blades of Exile Forum to prepare defenses. Tyranicus hefts his spear as he sees the first noob enter the forum.

Tyranicus: Get ready, newbs!

Sir David picks up the sword left lying on the ground by the vanished newb. Slartucker climbs onto his desk to look around. Alorael enters with more skribbane potions.

Slartucker: The noobs are entering fast now. The 1337 h4x0rs are lining up for a charge, with the ordinary noobs behind them. It looks like the flamers are hanging back, though.

Alec brandishes his scimitar.

Alec: What are we waiting for? Let's charge. Charge!

The newb army, with older Spiderwebbers mixed in, charge towards the 1337 h4x0rs. Alec and Tyranicus lead it. The 1337 h4x0rs charge forward as well, headed by the 31337 h4x0r. Tyranicus slays a 1337 h4x0r with his spear and Alec gets another one with his scimitar. A 1337 h4x0r kills a newb, only to be killed by Sir David. Wonko the Sane punches a 1337 h4x0r in the face but only succeeds in hurting his fist.

Slartucker: Alorael! Wonko the Sane is down! Kill that 1337 h4x0r now!

Alorael shoots the 1337 h4x0r, then downs another skribbane potion. Kingy rushes in and pulls Wonko the Sane out of harm’s way.

Kingy: To the Tech Support Forum, Wonko. Ephesos will heal you.

Wonko the Sane: Thanks, Kingy!

Wonko the Sane exits. Alorael shoots another noob, then drinks three skribbane potions in quick succession. GoldenKing waits a moment longer and then quickly steals eighteen bottles. He sits down behind a rock to drink them. Jewels sees him and wanders over.

Jewels: What are you doing?

GoldenKing struggles to remove the top from the skribbane potion.

Jewels: Is it a drinking party? I want to join. I brought beer.

Jewels sits down across from GoldenKing and whips out three six-packs. GoldenKing finally gets the lid off.

Jewels: On the count of three, we chug. Okay? One. Two. Three!

Jewels and GoldenKing finish off their respective drinks and reach for the next one at the exact same time. Back in the battle, Alec slashes another 1337 h4x0r.

Alec: Look out, Tyran. There’s a really big h4x0r headed your way!

Tyranicus stabs a 1337 h4x0r and dodges the 31337 h4x0r’s giant axe. Alec rushes in and slashes at the 31337 h4x0r from behind.

Tyranicus: Attack it, newbs!

Four newbs rush in. The 31337 h4x0r immediately strikes one down, but the other three leap about hacking at it furiously. From his desk, Slartucker watches the battle anxiously.

Slartucker: Come on, Tyran. That's it, Alec. Come on, bring that h4x0r down!

The 31337 h4x0r strikes down another newb and blocks Tyranicus's next spear thrust. Then it flees deeper into the ranks of the noobs. Alec charges after it.

Tyranicus: No, Alec. Get back!

Slartucker realizes how quickly things could go wrong for Alec and Tyranicus and jumps off of his desk. He takes a javelin from a newb and starts hacking his way towards Tyranicus, Alec, and the wounded 31337 h4x0r. The 31337 h4x0r breaks free from the mass of fighting newbs and noobs. Alec breaks through as well.

31337 h4x0r: Help me, you idiots!

The 31337 h4x0r collapses to the ground.

Spawner: Capture the Spiderwebber alive!

Two 1337 h4x0rs and five noobs dogpile onto Alec.

Tyranicus: No! Alec!

Tyranicus continues to battle his way forward, with Slartucker close behind. The 1337 h4x0rs knock the noobs out of the way and pick up the unconscious and slightly flattened Alec. Tyranicus finally battles his way through and stabs one of the h4x0rs. From its position on the ground, the 31337 h4x0r pulls a throwing axe out of its belt. A noob catches hold of Tyranicus’s spear as he stabs the other 1337 h4x0r. Tyranicus stumbles back as the throwing axe hits him.

Slartucker: No! Tyran!

Slartucker chucks the javelin at the 31337 h4x0r, but the 31337 h4x0r rolls away and avoids it. Three more 1337 h4x0rs leap forward. One challenges Slartucker while the other two carry off Alec. Slartucker slings Tyranicus over his shoulder and runs back into the battle with the 1337 h4x0r close behind. Jumpin' Salmon sees Slartucker’s predicament and casts at the 1337 h4x0r. The line wraps around the 1337 h4x0r and throws it to the ground. At the edge of the forum, Slartucker pauses to take one look back. The last things he sees as he exits to take Tyranicus to the Tech Support Forum are GoldenKing and Jewels on their eighth drink and a newb and a noob attempting to strangle each other with their bare hands. Slartucker exits. At the other end of the forum, Spawner watches the 31337 h4x0r carefully.

Spawner: You weren't that badly injured, were you?

31337 h4x0r: Nothing that this little healing potion won't fix. One of the newbs had it on him.

31337 h4x0r drinks the healing potion.

31337 h4x0r: Now, back to the battle I go!

Scene 2: Tech Support Forum

Scene 2: Tech Support Forum Dikiyoba Sun, 03/25/2007 - 22:56
The forum is full of injured members. Most are newbs but there are many older members as well. Ephesos can hardly keep up. Slartucker is sitting besides Tyranicus' bed. Dintiradan enters, helping an injured newb along. Ephesos drinks an energy potion and hurries over.

Ephesos: What's the problem with him, Dintiradan?

Dintiradan: Gashed leg. Shouldn't be too big a problem.

Ephesos: I've drunk all the energy potions I can find but I don't have much energy left. We'll have to wait until Dikiyoba returns from the Avernum Trilogy with more herbs.

Just then, Dikiyoba enters with a pack full of herbs.

Dikiyoba: Dikiyoba has the herbs you need, Ephesos.

Ephesos: Thank goodness.

Ephesos takes the herbs from Dikiyoba and makes a healing potion, which he gives to the newb.

Ephesos: Drink this and then find someplace to rest for a while. You'll feel better soon.

The newb drinks the potion and then staggers off. Ephesos takes some graymold and begins making a salve. Slartucker rushes over.

Slartucker: Ephesos, Tyranicus looks worse. Isn't there anything else you can do for him?

Ephesos shrugs and continues making the salve.

Ephesos: I've already cast my strongest healing spell, used first aid, and given him a graymold salve. There's nothing else I can do.

Slartucker looks disappointed and goes back to his watch at Tyranicus' bedside. Tyranicus looks at Slartucker strangely.

Tyranicus: Slarty, I... I can see the sidhe from the other side of the portal. They're... they're welcoming me.

Tyranicus dies.

Slartucker: Tyran! Come back!

Ephesos, Dikiyoba, Dintiradan, and a few curious newbs come over.

Ephesos: It's no good, Slarty.

Slartucker rushes out.

Dikiyoba: Poor Tyranicus.

Dintiradan: Yeah.

Dikiyoba: Dikiyoba wonders who will keep the chat logs now.

Ephesos casts some sort of holy charm over Tyranicus' body. It vanishes in a flash of white light.

Ephesos: At least now there is no danger of him ever becoming an undead.

Lenar Labs sits up in his bed unexpectedly.

Lenar Labs: I'm leaving now.

Dintiradan: Lenar Labs! You're okay!

Lenar Labs: No. No I am not. And I am Lord Grimm now. Without the Silent Assassin, Lenar Labs cannot exist. I must go avenge him now.

Lord Grimm stands up. Ephesos steps forward to stop him. Lord Grimm pulls out a large, bladed disk crackling with magical energy and points it at Ephesos.

Dintiradan: (Whispers) What is that?

Dikiyoba: (Whispers) Dikiyoba thinks that would be called a reaperdisk.

Lord Grimm: I must go now, Ephesos. Please don't try to stop me, or I will be forced to kill you.

Ephesos backs off.

Ephesos: All right. It's your life.

Lord Grimm conjures a black robe and a scythe out of nowhere. Then he exits.

Scene 3: General Forum

Scene 3: General Forum Dikiyoba Sun, 03/25/2007 - 23:07
Arancaytar has deserted the Moderator Forum and is wandering the General Forum. He is desperately trying to get the latest statistics out of his head, since it reminds him of how badly the war is going. He can hear Kelandon, the Lurker, and Wanderer talking in another room.

The Lurker: We just can't do it. The lurkers--the other lurkers, I should say--refuse to fight.

Wanderer: We've tried everything. There's nothing else we can do. We can go find someone else who may be able to help, if you want.

Arancaytar: Why don't you ask Hawk King? He likes hanging out in the shadows!

Suddenly, Arancaytar stumbles and claps a hand over his forehead.

Arancaytar: Ow! Ow! Ash Lael!

Kelandon, the Lurker, and Wanderer rush into the room.

Kelandon: What was that you just said, Arancaytar?

Arancaytar: Ash Lael is dead!

Arancaytar adds Ash Lael's name to the list of the deceased, right under Tyranicus' name.

Kelandon: Ash Lael! This is... is... completely unexpected! How did it happen?

Arancaytar closes his eyes.

Arancaytar: He was knocked out and then stabbed in the back.

The Lurker: That's terrible!

Kelandon: I'm going to go find Hawk King now. We must sacrifice the lurkers to prevent anymore active members from getting killed.

Kelandon exits. The Lurker and Wanderer follow. Slartucker enters.

Slartucker: Aran, did I just hear you say that Ash Lael is dead?

Arancaytar: Sadly, yes.

Slartucker: This is crazy! Kelandon is forcing the lurkers to fight, newbs are being slaughtered, members are dying... and for what? Why don't we just flee and create a message board somewhere else?

Arancaytar points to the door.

Arancaytar: There's the exit. Open it and see how far you get.

Slartucker marches to the door and places his hand on the knob.

Slartucker: I'm not scared of the fluffy turtles.

Arancaytar: It's not the fluffy turtles that you have to worry about.

Slartucker pulls the door open and jumps back in shock. He shields his eyes from the blinding blue-green light. After he recovers, he reaches towards the shimmering wall of light. Sparks fly from the wall towards Slartucker's hand. He jerks it back quickly.

Slartucker: A magic barrier! We're trapped here by a magic barrier!

Slartucker slumps to the ground. After a moment, he looks at Arancaytar.

Slartucker: Isn't there anything we could do to get it down?

Arancaytar: Perhaps quickfire, but that would kill everyone faster than the noobs are. Besides, no one has a phoenix egg, anyway.

Slartucker: Oh. (Long pause.) Aran, I don't understand. How did Ed and the wanderers get out through the barriers?

Arancaytar rests against the wall and adds the names of another three newbs to the list.

Arancaytar: It wasn't up at the very beginning, when the wanderers and Ed escaped. It appeared shortly after the battle started. I suppose everyone could have escaped at the very beginning, but no one realized how devastating this war would be, or that the escape route would be cut off.

Slartucker: Is there any other route of escape?

Arancaytar: I have no idea, Slarty. Sorry.

Arancaytar winces and adds the name of another newb to the list.

Scene 4: Nethergate Forum

Scene 4: Nethergate Forum Dikiyoba Sun, 03/25/2007 - 23:17
The Spiderwebbers are rapidly being pushed back. The newb army is largely depleted and floundering without an official leader. Panic is setting in as the report of Ash Lael's death spreads. About the only people uneffected by the news are GoldenKing and Jewels.

Jewels: Last one, Goldie.

GoldenKing and Jewels open the last bottle of skribbane and beer respectively and chug it down. Lazarus and Thralni see the contest as they fight of 1337 h4x0rs.

Lazarus: Look at that! Drinking games are so wrong, especially on a battlefield.

Thralni: I would have thought that you would enjoy a good drinking game now and then.

Lazarus stabs a 1337 h4x0r in the neck.

Lazarus: No! Of course not! I only enjoy death and innuendo. And it has to be high quality innuendo at that.

Thralni edges away from Lazarus quickly.

Thralni: You stay well away from me!

Lazarus: Urg!

Lazarus is killed by a 1337 h4x0r. Thralni kills the 1337 h4x0r. Lazarus stands up shakily.

Lazarus: I'm okay. Really, I am. It's a pity I can only do that trick once per day.

Thralni: That's just really weird. Really, really weird.

Lazarus: Yeah, I know. Look! There's Infernal666hate. She looks mad.

Thralni: She sure does. But it's not safe to fight alone in the middle of the battlefield. Look what happened to Ash Lael.

Thralni and Lazarus fight their way over to Infernal666hate.

Jewels: Well, I'm all out of beer, GoldenKing.

GoldenKing: Meetoo... but... I... can... git... mor... Jwuels.

GoldenKing gets up and staggers off. Jewels stands up.

Jewels: I'm going to have such a bad hangover in the morning. Maybe Ephesos has something that will help stave it off.

Jewels exits. GoldenKing sneaks up behind Alorael, grabs the bag of skribbane potions, and starts to run off with the bag dragging on the ground. Suddenly, the bag catches on something. GoldenKing turns around and sees a very angry Alorael, who has his foot on the bag to prevent GoldenKing from dragging it off.

Alorael: So you're the one who's been stealing my skribbane!

GoldenKing gulps and drops the bag.

GoldenKing: Uh... bye!

GoldenKing runs off. Alorael pursues him.

Alorael: Oh no you don't! I'll teach you to steal my skribbane!

Drakefyre: Schrodinger! We're being overwhelmed. Call the retreat now!

Schrodinger: Retreat! Retreat!

The Spiderwebbers begin to retreat to the Blades of Exile Forum. Only three people don't. Lord Grimm enters the forum and immediately finds a good hiding spot. GoldenKing is still racing around but Alorael is quickly catching up.

Schrodinger: Retreat! To the Blades of Exile Forum!

Alorael hits GoldenKing over the head with the butt of his rifle. GoldenKing falls to the ground and covers his head as best he can. Alorael starts beating GoldenKing with his rifle.

GoldenKing: GIFTS! GIFTS! GIFTS! No more, Alorael! No more! Please stop! GIFTS! GIFTS!

Alorael: You... stole... my... skribbane! No... one... should... ever... steal... my... skribbane!

Alorael hits GoldenKing with the rifle for each word. The last Spiderwebbers make it out of the Nethergate Forum. Schrodinger closes the forum.

Alorael: It's my skribbane! My skribbane! No one can take it from me! No one! Take that and that and that!

GoldenKing: Ow! Ow! Ow! Alorael, you're hurting me! Stop! GIFTS! GIFTS! Stop! Stop!

Alorael: I don't share my skribbane!

GoldenKing: Okay! Okay! I won't ever take any of your skribbane again!

Alorael: I'll say you won't!

Alorael turns the rifle around and shoots GoldenKing. GoldenKing dies.

Alorael: Now to go retrieve my wonderful skribbane.

Alorael returns to the spot where he left the skribbane potions.

Alorael: Where did that bag go? This is the right spot.

Alorael climbs onto a rock and scans the forum. He sees a noob running off with the skribbane potion bag.

Alorael: Why, that little... I'm going to teach it a lesson!

Alorael shoots at the noob, but the noob is out of range. In a rage, Alorael shoots every other noob in range.

Alorael: They must all die!

It takes a long time, but eventually the noobs realize that they should avoid being in range of Alorael.

Alorael: They do learn! I never would have guessed. I'm starting to feel the need for more skribbane. I must go back to get some. Say, where is everyone?

Alorael looks around again.

Alorael: They're all gone. The forum must have been closed! Well, I'll just use my special mod powers to open the forum and make a quick escape. Wait... I'm not a moderator of the Nethergate Forum. I'll have to try to make a slow escape then.

Alorael suddenly sways and falls over. He quickly snatches up the rifle that he dropped.

Alorael: Skribbane! I need my skribbane!

After several failed attempts to stand up, Alorael holds his rifle like a teddy bear and begins speaking to it.

Alorael: You know, I never thought I'd die in the middle of nowhere surrounded by noobs without even skribbane for comfort. I aways thought I'd die in front of a firing squad. At least I still have you for comfort, trusty rifle. Skribbane! I need skribbane!

At the other end of the forum, the captains of the noob army discuss strategy.

31337 h4x0r: Soon, they'll run out of little tricks to try and stop us. By that time, they'll be tired and low on supplies. We, on the other hand, have noobs that haven't seen battle yet.

Troll Master: The flamers will lead the charge in the next forum, though. I have a meeting with one Terror's Martyr.

31337 h4x0r: The attack of the next forum is up to you. Now go lead it!

Troll Master: Come on, flamers! It's time for a flamefest!

Flamer: w00t!

Flamer: lol

The Troll Master and the flamers run off towards the Blades of Exile Forum. The noob carrying Alorael's skribbane runs up.

Noob: i stoled this

Spawner: Excellent job! What's in it?

31337 h4x0r reaches into the sack and pulls out a bottle.

31337 h4x0r: I wonder what it is?

Spawner: I wouldn't drink it if I were you.

31337 h4x0r: Nonsense. How bad can it be?

31337 h4x0r drinks the skribbane potion.

31337 h4x0r: It's disgusting and nasty stuff, just like myself. I like it.

31337 h4x0r drinks another bottle.

Spawner: Where did this come from, anyway?

The noob points towards the rock where Alorael is sitting. None of the noobs have figured out that Alorael is incapable of shooting them, so they are still avoiding the rock.

Spawner: I see someone. It's the one who's been shooting the noobs with his sniper rifle the whole time.

31337 h4x0r: Sniper rifle? That would be so much cooler than throwing axes.

Spawner and 31337 h4x0r march off to the rock. Alorael doesn't notice their arrival because his eyes are closed and he is still talking to himself.

Alorael: Skribbane... skriiibbaaane... skriiiiiibaaaaaane...

31337 h4x0r: Is this want you want?

31337 h4x0r holds a bottle out. Alorael's eyes snap open.

Alorael: What? Yes! Skribbane! Skribbane! Give me skribbane!

31337 h4x0r: Give me your gun and I'll give you this whole bag of skribbane.

Alorael hesitates for a long time before finally handing the gun over. 31337 h4x0r takes it and ponders the bottle in its hand for a moment.

Alorael: Give me my skribbane!

31337 h4x0r starts to hand the skribbane potion to Alorael. Alorael reaches for it feebly, but 31337 h4x0r pulls it back and drinks it.

Alorael: Nooooooooo!

Suddenly, Alorael falls off the rock and lands face-down in the mud at 31337 h4x0r's feet. The 31337 h4x0r instinctively points the rifle at Alorael and then pauses.

31337 h4x0r: I don't have to shoot him, do I?

Spawner: Nope. He's dead.

Spawner and 31337 h4x0r begin to sing and dance around.

Spawner and 31337 h4x0r: We killed a mod, we killed a mod, we killed a mod...

Act 5

Act 5 Dikiyoba Sun, 03/25/2007 - 23:59
When Terror's Martyr and Troll Master meet, the flames make BoE vs. BoA debates look like nothing...

Scene 1: Blades of Exile Forum

Scene 1: Blades of Exile Forum Dikiyoba Mon, 03/26/2007 - 00:10
*i is leading the final group of Spiderwebbers across the forum. The forum has gone through a rapid recontruction and still looks a little rough around the edges. Walls have been erected to form a weird maze. Damaging floor types and rather nasty special encounters are everywhere. In fact, the whole thing looks like it was designed to be as annoying as possible.

*i: As you can see, this entire forum is defended by secret doors, damaging floors, and other traps. Watch your step here! It should hold the noob army back long enough for the Spiderweb army to regroup and kill many, many noobs in the process. Go through this secret door. Watch out for the lava on the other side, though.

*i leads the group through to a large room containing a teleportal. dXs steps close to it.

*i: dXs! You definitely don't want to step into that portal.

dXs: Where does it lead to?

*i: Seeing as how TM made it, it probably leads to instant death. Or goatse. Or something like that. Now, step through the final secret door.

*i leads the group into a large, empty room. Terror's Martyr is adding the finishing touches to a particularily nasty special encounter that will summon evil bosses with the ability to constantly spout ridiculous philosophy. At the far end of the room is an open door. Everyone except *i and Terror's Martyr exits the forum.

*i: Aren't you coming?

Terror's Martyr: No. I'm staying here to teach the noobs a thing or five. It's been too long since I last participated in an all-out flame fest.

*i: I'm leaving, and I'm locking the door.

Terror's Martyr: I have the key.

In the distance, there is the sound of an explosion and screaming noobs. *i exits and closes the door behind him.

Terror's Martyr: They're finally here. I hope the head flamer makes it through to the end.

Terror's Martyr sets up a few more traps while he waits for the noobs to make it through the maze. A while later, he sets up a few more traps while waiting for the noobs to make it through the maze. At the other end of the maze, Troll Master is negotiating with the other noob captains.

Troll Master: Look, all my flamers are getting slaughtered by these traps. And, of course, when they explode, they cause others to explode as well. All I'm asking is that some noobs or undead clear the way first.

31337 h4x0r shrugs.

31337 h4x0r: The ur-noob is keeping the undead in reserve. Some sort of evil plan or something. But I'll send a few hundred noobs into the maze, if you'd like. However, you and the flamers are leading the charge once the maze is clear. It's just what you wanted, right?

Troll Master: I'm here to kill Spiderwebbers, not solve some sort of maze. I want you to send the noobs in.

The flamers exit the maze and two hundred noobs take their place. The noobs manage to clear about half the maze before the last one is killed. On the other side of the maze, Terror's Martyr adds a several more traps.

Spawner: The ur-noob will not be happy if it learns of our failure.

31337 h4x0r: I have an idea. Why don't we just send in a few of our brightest and most experienced noobs to see if they can solve it?

Soon, six noobs are rounded up. They aren't terribly experienced, but they are the best that the captains have got. After being given a short briefing and a few supplies, the noobventurers are sent on their way. A short time later, they are back.

Head noobventurer: We cleared a way through.

31337 h4x0r: Really? How?

Head noobventurer: We found a secret passage that avoided the maze altogether. We had to disarm a few traps, dispell a barrier, battle troglodytes, ruby skeletons, sliths, and vahnatai all at once, and go on a side quest to slay some goblins, but we came out in a room on the other side of the maze. There's only one Spiderwebber guarding it. He didn't see us.

Spawner: That makes no sense whatsoever.

Troll Master: Who cares? Finally, there's a way through. Come on, flamers!

Troll Master and the flamers run off through the secret passage.

31337 h4x0r: Great job, noobventurers. Here's some experience and a medal.

Head noobventurer: Oh, we don't want that.

31337 h4x0r: Why not?

Head noobventurer: We'd rather kill you both instead.

The six noobventurers attack 31337 h4x0r and Spawner. Spawner runs off. 31337 battles against all six for a while and finally manages to kill them.

31337 h4x0r: There! That settles that! On second thought, you don't look quite dead enough.

31337 h4x0r stabs one of the noobventurers a few more times for good measure. Spawner comes back.

Spawner: Okay, that still makes no sense whatsoever.

At the other end of the maze, Troll Master and the flamers enter the room where Terror's Martyr is standing with his arms folded across his chest and smirking sarcastically.

Terror's Martyr: I was starting to wonder whether you would ever show up.

Troll Master: Get him!

The flamers rush forward, only to set off more of Terror Martyr's traps. Huge, evil bosses are spawned. They immediately attack the flamers while repeating nonsensical philosophy, non-existant words, and stupid threats of death.

Troll Master: No fair! This was supposed to be a one-on-one confrontation.

Terror's Martyr: Call off your flamers then, you [CENSORED] [CENSORED]!

Troll Master: Fine. You heard him. Back off, you worthless entrails.

The flamers retreat to the end of the room. Terror's Martyr waves a hand and the monsters all teleport to the other end of the room.

Troll Master: That's better. Now, behold and quake in terror, for I am Troll Master, leader of the flamers, you [CENSORED] [CENSORED]!

Terror's Martyr: I don't [CENSORED] well care, [CENSORED]. I am Terror's Martyr and I can outflame you any day!

Troll Master: Oh, can you? Well, take this!

Troll Master hurls a firebolt at Terror's Martyr. He easily dodges it. Troll Master hurls another, larger one. Terror's Martyr dodges that one as well. He stands still as the third one comes at him, though. Troll Master laughs madly as Terror's Martyr disappears in a column of flame.

Troll Master: Hahaha! What? How can this be?

Troll Master looks confused, for as the smoke clears, Terror's Martyr is revealed to be completely unharmed.

Terror's Martyr: Have you ever stopped to think about how [CENSORED] up life is, and how lame your [CENSORED] views are?

Terror's Martyr continues in this vein for some time. At first, the flamers and the Troll Master handle it pretty well. But soon, as Terror's Martyr's discussion grows more philisophical and disturbing, they become visibly agitated. A few flamers explode. The rest flee in horror. Soon, only the Troll Master is left, trying desperately to get a word in here and there to throw Terror's Martyr off track. It does no good. Finally, Troll Master can take it no more.

Troll Master: Nooooooooo!

Troll Master runs around crazily as Terror's Martyr continues to talk. After hearing the words "postmodernism" and "McGuffin" both used for no reason at all in the same sentence, Troll Master suddenly spontaneously combusts.

Terror's Martyr: Well, that's the end of that.

Terror's Martyr turns to leave through the door. However, on his way over, he trips over a spare copy of A Little Girl and falls to the ground. This would have been nothing, except that the spawned evil bosses have been driven insane by having to listen to Terror Martyr's speech. They quickly attack him before he can rise.

Terror's Martyr: [CENSORED] you and your mom, you [CENSORED] traitors!

Terror's Martyr dies. The evil bosses dissolve without Terror Martyr's support. A short time later, 31337 h4x0r comes by and picks the key up off of Terror Martyr's body.

Act 6

Act 6 Dikiyoba Mon, 03/26/2007 - 00:24
The battle still rages...

Scene 1: General Forum

Scene 1: General Forum Dikiyoba Mon, 03/26/2007 - 00:26
Imban enters the forum. Arancaytar and Slartucker are sitting against the wall, visualizing possible escape methods.

Slartucker: We could build a giant teleportal.

Arancaytar: No way. We have no supplies, no time to create it, and absolutely no idea how to make one.

Slartucker: Well, we could try to put up a link that would take everyone out of here.

Arancaytar: I've already tried that. They've been disabled somehow. Probably something to do with the barrier.

Imban: Slartucker! Arancaytar! Everyone is supposed to report to the Exile Trilogy Forum. The battle is about to begin.

Slartucker: But...

Imban: Go!

Arancaytar: All right, all right.

Slartucker and Arancytar exit. Imban walks into the next room.

Imban: Kelandon! Hawk King! To the Exile Trilogy Forum!

Hawk King: Good. I was getting nowhere with the lurkers anyway.

Hawk King exits.

Kelandon: If I could only find some way to get the lurkers to fight for us.

Imban: Just having you on the battlefield would be a great help.

Kelandon: Fine.

Kelandon and Imban exit.

Scene 2: Blades of Exile Forum

Scene 2: Blades of Exile Forum Dikiyoba Mon, 03/26/2007 - 00:29
The ur-noob is standing on the Nethergate side of the maze with Spawner and 31337 h4x0r.

Spawner: Troll Master is dead, your Noobness.


31337 h4x0r: There's just one slight little problem, your Noobness..


31337 h4x0r: We're having great difficulty getting the troops into position. The maze is too difficult to nagivate, so we have to send them through a long secret passage. At the other end, the door is so small only one noob may pass through at a time.


The ur-noob breathes a huge burst flame onto the maze. After the fire burns down, the ur-noob kicks over the last few remaining walls.


Spawner and 31337 h4x0r watch as the ur-noob stalks over to the tiny door. With one kick, it destroys the door and a good deal of wall. The ur-noob returns.


Spawner: Yes, your Noobness.

31337 h4x0r: Of course, your Noobness.

31337 h4x0r and Spawner marshal the remaining troops and lead them across the forum towards the exit.

Scene 3: Tech Support Forum

Scene 3: Tech Support Forum Dikiyoba Mon, 03/26/2007 - 00:35
Ephesos is still rushing around trying to keep all of his patients alive. Dintiradan and Dikiyoba are making healing, curing, and energy potions and elixirs.

Dikiyoba: Dikiyoba has completed an energy elixir, Ephesos.

Ephesos: Thank you.

Ephesos drinks the elixir and hands the bottle back to Dikiyoba.

Ephesos: Now make another one.

Imban enters.

Imban: Are any of your patients healed up enough to fight in the Exile Trilogy Forum?

Ephesos points to a group of about twenty newbs. They have washed and found their clothes again. They all look worn out, skinny, and pale.

Imban: Come along, newbs. There's still a battle to be won.

The newbs look at each other and mutter among themselves. They don't move.

Imban: Come now, or I'll call out Arctic Wolf.

The newbs look at each other and mutter again. This time, they stand up and move out resignedly. Ephesos watches them exit and sighs.

Ephesos: I hate this war.

Imban: We all do, Ephesos, but we have no other choice.

Imban exits.

Dintiradan: Hey! My hands are turning colors from all this alchemy. They're blue and black and yellow and green and brown and red and...

Dikiyoba: Dikiyoba thinks you need to watch that potion that you are boiling.

Ephesos: Quit staring at your hands and get that potion off the burner now!

Dintiradan: Yaaagh!

Dintiradan and Dikiyoba both duck out of the way as a curing potion Dintiradan let overheat explodes. Ephesos hands Dintiradan a mop.

Ephesos: Clean it up, Dintirdan. Dikiyoba, go gather more herbs.

Dikiyoba exits. Dintiradan grumbles as he mops up the potion mess. Ephesos casts a healing spell on a newb's slashed arm and sends him out to join the others in the Exile Trilogy Forum.

Scene 4: Exile Trilogy Forum

Scene 4: Exile Trilogy Forum Dikiyoba Mon, 03/26/2007 - 00:41
The Spiderwebbers are waiting for the first noobs to come through. They have all eaten and rested. Drakefyre and Kelandon are leading them. Slartucker and Jewels have taken charge of the newbs. There are only about seventy newbs left out of the once-mighty army. Many are now equipped with only crude stone weaponry, having either lost or broken their original swords. Happa Tai Yattai, on the other hand, has found two Black Halberds and is wielding one in each hand. No one bothers to ask how he manages to do so. MagmaDragoon still has his flaming sword. Sir David has equipped two swords, as have Sherbiebaby, Nicothodes, and Nikki. Infernal666hate has Demonslayer equipped.

Jewels: Stay together, newbs. We'll help you out as much as we can.

Slartucker: It looks like the first noobs are here.

Drakefyre: Archers, be ready!

On the other end of the forum, 31337 h4x0r stands on a rock with the stolen skribbane at his side and Alorael's rifle in his hands.

31337 h4x0r: So many good choices. Who's it going to be? Who's it going to be?

31337 h4x0r drinks a bottle of skribbane. Then it chooses a target and fires. The Stew Boy goes down.

31337 h4x0r: Got you!

As the Spiderwebbers either look towards the Stew Boy or dive for cover, the first round of flamers begins their charge.

The Stew Boy: Remember... I've made my living by congratulating others... in... celebratory topics without... ever... making one... of my own... So, please... make my funeral... a... happy celebration... of my life... urg.

The Stew Boy dies. Arancaytar adds the Stew Boy to the list.

Drakefyre: Here they come! Archers, fire!

The Spiderwebbers with bows and arrows equipped fire at the flamers. Many explode. However, the flamers are spaced out well enough to avoid a chain reaction.

Drakefyre: Shoot again!

The archers shoot once more. More flamers explode. 31337 h4x0r sends the second round of flamers on their way. The archers continue to shoot. A large group of them are gathered around and on a large rock.

Zeviz: There is no way we can shoot them all.

Student of Trinity fires another arrow.

Student of Trinity: Just keep shooting until you run out of arrows.

Ben4808 fires another arrow as well.

Ben4808: And be ready to run if the flamers get too close.

Marlenny: Look out!

The small group dives out of the way as a flamer rushes them. The flamer hits the rock and explodes.

Zeviz: Everyone okay?

Marlenny: I'm fine.

Shuan Wuan: Help me! I'm hurt!

Shuan Wuan pulls himself to his feet. He is scorched but, fortunately, not injured too badly.

Ben4808: I'll help you to the Tech Support Forum.

Shuan Wuan and Ben4808 exit.

Nicothodes: You know, these swords aren't very useful against flamers. Maybe I should rethink my strategy.

Sherbiebaby: Let's throw pens at them!

Nikki: Come join the group, Arancaytar!

Arancaytar: No, thank you.

Nikki looks disappointed, but shrugs it off.

Nikki: Suit yourself.

Nicothodes, Sherbiebaby, and Nikki hurl pens at the flamers. The 31337 h4x0r sends the third round of flamers into battle.

Spawner: This is not having the damaging effect on the Spiderwebbers that we had hoped.

31337 h4x0r drinks another skribbane potion and pulls out the rifle.

31337 h4x0r: They're almost out of arrows. Besides, I also have a missile weapon.

31337 h4x0r selects a target and fires.

Nicothodes: Ahhhhhhhhh! I'm hit!

Nicothodes collapses.

Sherbiebaby: Nicothodes!

Nicothodes: I'm... still... not... cute! Urg...

Nicothodes dies. Jumpin' Salmon ducks 31337 h4x0r's next shot.

Jumpin' Salmon: Something must be done! Archmage Alex, distract that noob so that I can get a clear cast!

Archmage Alex quickly draws a stick figure wielding a half-eaten box of raisins. The stick figure jumps up and down wildly, throwing raisins at flamers all the while. Jumpin' Salmon pulls out his fishing pole. As 31337 h4x0r aims at the stick figure, Jumpin' Salmon casts towards the rifle. Just before 31337 h4x0r fires, the line wraps around the rifle. Jumpin' Salmon jerks the fishing pole quickly, and the rifle flies out of 31337 h4x0r's hands. The stray bullet hits a flamer. Jumpin' Salmon reels the rifle in.

Jumpin' Salmon: I hate to give up something reel fun, but this rifle is better than my fishing pole anyway.

Jumpin' Salmon begins shooting flamers.

31337 h4x0r: He stole my gun! I can't believe he stole my gun! This is an outrage!

Spawner: Oh, just shut up and send the next round of flamers into battle.

31337 h4x0r casts an empty potion bottle at Spawner. Spawner steps aside and motions the next round of flamers into battle, since it doesn't look like 31337 h4x0r will. 31337 h4x0r runs off shouting.

31337 h4x0r: I'll kill him and get my rifle back! Just you watch!

Shuan Wuan and Ben4808 enter the forum and rejoin the archers.

Student of Trinity: I'm out of arrows!

Zeviz: I'm almost out too.

Wise Man: And there's still more flamers. What'll we do?

Marlenny: Are there any javelins left?

Ben4808: No, they all got used up in the Nethergate Forum.

Student of Trinity: We'll just have to throw rocks at them.

When the archers run out of arrows, they throw down the useless bows and pick up rocks. They chuck the rocks at the flamers as fast and as hard as possible. All the other Spiderwebbers pick up on the idea too. At the other end of the forum, Spawner watches as 1337 h4x0r returns.

Spawner: Changed your mind, have you? Afraid of getting shot?

31337 h4x0r scowls.

31337 h4x0r: No. I forgot my skribbane. But I've got it now and I'm going back.

31337 h4x0r picks up the bag and runs back into the battle after Jumpin' Salmon. Jumpin' Salmon shoots another flamer. Suddenly, he is tackled by the 31337 h4x0r. The 31337 h4x0r grabs the rifle and starts to pull it out of Jumpin' Salmon's hands. Jumpin' Salmon doesn't let go. At the other end of the forum, Spawner yells angrily, even though 31337 h4x0r cannot possibly hear it.

Spawner: What! Why didn't you use your throwing axes to kill him from a distance? Oh, this is going to end badly, I can already tell.

Jumpin' Salmon and 31337 h4x0r fight over the rifle for a while. In the process, the bag of skribbane potions gets knocked aside and skribbane potions roll out. A flamer picks up a bottle.

Arancaytar: Salmon! Drop the rifle and run!

Jumpin' Salmon looks over and sees the flamer about to drink the skribbane. Jumpin' Salmon lets go of the rifle, jumps up, and runs off. 31337 h4x0r looks over as the flamer chugs it down.

31337 h4x0r: No, you fool! That's flammable!

The flamer explodes in a much larger blast than normal. Jumpin' Salmon looks over his shoulder at it. Unfortunately, he doesn't watch where he is running and falls into a pit.

Jumpin' Salmon: (Echoing) Ahhhhhhhhh!

Jumpin' Salmon dies. Arancaytar adds his name to the list. But Arancaytar also adds 31337 h4x0r to the list of noob army captains slain.

Scene 5: General Forum

Scene 5: General Forum Dikiyoba Mon, 03/26/2007 - 00:59
Dintiradan has slipped out of the Tech Support Forum. Now he wanders the General Forum, wondering how to turn the noob attack to his advantage. Then he remembers the lurkers. He boldly steps into the shadows. He can sense the lurkers nearby, even though he can't see or hear them.

Dintiradan: Hey, lurkers. My name is Dintiradan. I will be an evil overlord someday. You guys have the chance to be part of my Legions of Terror. What do you think?

There is silence from the lurkers.

Dintiradan: Okay, so maybe you don't. But I bet you want to go fight the noobs.

There is still silence.

Dintiradan: Don't make me set Arctic Wolf on you.

The lurkers laugh. From out of the shadows comes a quiet voice.

Lurker: Arctic Wolf only attacks the newbs. We are safe from him.

Dintiradan stomps his foot angrily.

Dintiradan: If you come out of the shadows right now and fight for the Spiderwebbers and I'll give you all... uh, bubble gum. That's right; I'll give you a lifetime supply of bubble gum. And Skittles.

The lurkers are silent again.

Dintiradan: If you don't come out of the shadows right now, I will shine a flashlight on you all! Er, I mean, I'll shine my rod of darkness-penetrating lightness on you all!

Dintiradan whips out his flashlight and turns it on.

Dintiradan: Arghhh! Oh. You look like normal people after all. Well, why do you hide in the shadows?

Lurker: It's what we are good at.

Dintiradan: Why don't you demonstrate your abilities on the battlefield?

The lurkers remain unconvinced.

Dintiradan: If you don't fight now, you will eventually be killed off by the noobs. If you do fight now, then you will probably die, but at least there's a small chance that you will live.

The lurkers look reluctant, but they finally step out of the shadows and form up in front of Dintiradan.

Dintiradan: That's the spirit! To the Avernum Trilogy Forum!

Dintiradan and the lurkers exit.

Scene 6: Exile Trilogy Forum

Scene 6: Exile Trilogy Forum Dikiyoba Mon, 03/26/2007 - 01:10
Almost all the Spiderwebbers are hurling rocks, sticks, pens, raisins, or other mundane items at the flamers now. Arancaytar stands on a rock, looking around. Across the forum, he can see Spawner. Standing on either side of Spawner is an angry flamer and an unintelligent-looking 1337 h4x0r.

Arancaytar: Oh great. They've appointed more captains. Does it look like we've been appointing replacement moderators?

Thuryl approaches.

Thuryl: I'm appointing you to be a replacement mod for me.

Arancaytar: What! Why?

Thuryl: I've found a way of escape that only I can take. So I am taking it. Good-bye.

Thuryl vanishes.

Arancaytar: How did he... oh, this is just great.

Hawk King: It's getting difficult to find rocks.

Student of Trinity throws another rock.

Student of Trinity: I've noticed. But I've also noticed that there aren't many flamers left.

Kelandon: The 1337 h4x0rs are getting ready for a charge.

Drakefyre: Melee fighters, be ready!

1337 h4x0rs storm across the forum.

Happa Tai Yattai: Finally, these Black Halberds get put into play. Charge!

The melee fighters charge into the 1337 h4x0rs.

Nikki: Death to noobs!

Jewels: Ready, newbs? Redwaaaaalllllll! Oops, wrong cry. Death to noobs! Death to noobs!

Jewels and Slartucker head the newb charge. The archers draw their stone daggers and charge forward as well. Ben4808 grabs the handle of a 1337 h4x0r's axe with one hand and stabs the 1337 h4x0r with the dagger in the other hand. Student of Trinity throws a rock at a 1337 h4x0r, knocking it unconscious. Student of Trinity then kills it easily and takes the axe. Ephesos and Dikiyoba enter the forum, Ephesos having decided that being on site would work better. Both are weighted down with potions and first aid kits.

Ephesos: Dikiyoba, bring anyone who is injured back to me.

Dikiyoba: Dikiyoba will do that, Ephesos.

Dikiyoba steps into the battle. There is a horrible cry as one of Archmage Alex's stick figures is killed.

Archmage Alex: I really liked that one. It was one of my best works. Oh well.

Archmage Alex quickly draws a replacement that rushes into battle. Arancaytar still stands on the rock, watching the battle.

Arancaytar: Good. The only flamer left is the captain. But it looks like a few more 1337 h4x0rs are entering the forum.

Wonko the Sane jumps aside as a 1337 h4x0r runs at him and stabs it as it runs by.

Wonko the Sane: I just killed my first noob!

The Ripper rushes past Wonko and Sane and stabs four 1337 h4x0rs in quick succession. Nikki and Sherbiebaby are also having great sucess against the 1337 h4x0rs.

Nikki: These things aren't as hard to kill as we first thought they would be, are they?

Sherbiebaby stabs another 1337 h4x0r.

Sherbiebaby: Take that from Nicothodes!

Sir David stabs a 1337 h4x0r. He spins around and comes face-to-face with one that doesn't look quite right. He stabs it anyway and realizes a split second too late what it really is.

Sir David: Flamer in disguise!

Sir David takes off as fast as he can. The flamer explodes. Sir David is thrown to the ground by the explosion. Dikiyoba rushes over and takes him to Ephesos.

Ephesos: What happened, Sir David?

Sir David: The flamers are disguised as 1337 h4x0rs!

Ben4808 and Wise Man are fighting together. Wise Man stabs another 1337 h4x0r.

Wise Man: Uh-oh. There's one of those disguised flamers coming toward us.

With nothing else to throw, Ben4808 throws his dagger. The flamer explodes. Ben4808 quickly picks up an axe from a dead 1337 h4x0r. Slartucker kills a 1337 h4x0r about to strike down one of the newbs.

Slartucker: We can't keep this up for much longer, Jewels.

Jewels: I know. We'll just have to... Slartucker, there's a newb separated from the rest!

Slartucker battles his way over. The newb goes down before Slartucker can reach him. Slartucker slays the 1337 h4x0r. Student of Trinity and Hawk King join him. Ben4804 and Wise Man begin to fight their way over as well. A 1337 h4x0r attacks Ben4808 from behind. Ben4808 goes down. Student of Trinity kills the 1337 h4x0r.

Slartucker: Ben!

Ben4808: I will be forever remembered as the fifteenth Spiderwebber to die in this battle.

Ben4808 dies.

Wise Man: I guess that means he's not a bot after all.

Just a short way away, the Almighty Do-er of Stuff is wounded. Dikiyoba kills the 1337 h4x0r about to finish him off and carries him to Ephesos. Jewels and the newbs realize how deep they are into enemy ranks when a large group of 1337 h4x0rs circle around and attack from behind. The newbs are rapidly getting slaughtered. Slartucker sees their predicament but can't do anything about it except yell.

Slartucker: Get out of there, Jewels!

Jewels: I'm trying!

Just as it looks like Jewels will break free, a throwing axe thrown by the unintelligent 1337 h4xor hits her.

Slartucker: Not again!

Jewels is badly injured and cut off from help even further by several more 1337 h4x0rs who rush in. But she draws herself up defiantly and attacks them. Jewels manages to kill three more 1337 h4x0rs before finally getting killed. She yells one last battle cry before she dies.

Jewels: Eulaliaaaaa!

Slartucker: I can't take it any more!

Slartucker runs away from the battle in terror and exits. Many Spiderwebbers follow.

Drakefyre: I haven't called for the retreat yet!

But the retreat to the Avernum Trilogy Forum continues. Ephesos takes Sir David and Dikiyoba takes the Almighty Do-er of Stuff to the Tech Support Forum. At the other end of the forum, Spawner laughs and speaks to the flamer at its side.

Spawner: We have them now!

Pyroroamer: Good. A few of my flamers may make it through this battle after all.

The stupid-looking 1337 h4x0r marches back toward them.

h4xx: I slew a Spiderwebber.

Spawner: Good. Now go head the charge into the next forum.

h4xx: Yes!

h4xx runs off.

Pyroroamer: It's not very bright, is it?

Spawner: No. 1337 h4x0rs aren't very bright at all. 31337 h4x0r was an unsurpassed genius as far as 1337 h4x0rs go. And look how stupidly it managed to die.

h4xx makes it through to the front of the noob army.

h4xx: Attack! Attack!

The noob army charges into the Avernum Trilogy Forum.

Act 7

Act 7 Dikiyoba Mon, 03/26/2007 - 01:48
Can anyone stand up to the might, power, and stupidity of the ur-noob?

Scene 1: Exile Trilogy Forum

Scene 1: Exile Trilogy Forum Dikiyoba Mon, 03/26/2007 - 01:50
Spawner watches the noobs cleaning up the Exile Trilogy Forum for a while before turning around to face the ur-noob.


Spawner: I can explain! I can explain! What do you want me to explain first, your Noobness?


Spawner: Right. Well, you see, they had enough ammo to kill most of the flamers before they came anywhere close to the Spiderwebbers, your Noobness. They are highly inventive. Even after running out of arrows, they slew flamers with rocks, sticks, pens, and even raisins, your Noobness.


Spawner: Of course, your Noobness. One of the flamers, Pyroroamer, came up to me and demanded to be a captain. Seeing as how it threatened to stab me if I didn't comply, I did. Pyroroamer pulled all the flamers out of the battle and disguised them as 1337 h4x0rs. I suspect they will kill many, many Spiderwebbers in the next forum, your Noobness.


Spawner: It lost its gun to a Spiderwebber and got killed trying to get it back. At least it killed the Spiderwebber in the process. I appointed a replacement captain, h4xx, and it is now starting the attack in the Avernum Trilogy, your Noobness.

The ur-noob stares at Spawner. Spawner trembles visibly.


Spawner salutes and runs off like a scared kitten. The ur-noob sniffs loudly and wipes a claw across its nose.


Scene 2: Avernum Trilogy Forum

Scene 2: Avernum Trilogy Forum Dikiyoba Mon, 03/26/2007 - 02:00
Slartucker is the first to enter the Avernum Trilogy Forum. He runs across a short plain and then up a long slope. At the top of the slope, Dintiradan leans on a fine waveblade. Slartucker collapses at the top of the hill.

Slartucker: I can't take any more deaths of innocent Spiderwebbers!

Most of the surviving Spiderwebbers enter the forum. They, too, climb up the hill.

Dintiradan: I found some more archery equipment. Nothing left but stone arrows, but it'll have to do.

Ephesos pauses and sets Sir David on the ground. Sir David manages to sit up and drink another healing elixir unassisted. He staggers to his feet.

Sir David: I'll be all right now.

Sir David picks up a stone dagger and a wooden buckler and walks away.

Ephesos: I thought I told you to stay in the Tech Support Forum, Dintiradan.

Dintiradan: I am not your assistant. I am the Lord of the Lurkers.

Dikiyoba approaches and sets the Almighty Do-er of Stuff down. Ephesos casts a powerful healing spell on him. The Almighty Do-er of Stuff also gets up and goes off to arm himself.

Slartucker: The noobs will be here soon. I wonder what new tricks the ur-noob has for us this time.

Dintiradan: Slartucker's feeling a little depressed.

Slartucker: A little! It's more than that! Here we are, getting killed in a senseless war! There used to be hundreds of newbs and now there are less than a dozen. The lurkers are about to get killed too! And I've had to watch Tyranicus and Ben4808 and Jewels die in front of me! I can't take it anymore!

Ephesos: Now that Dintiradan has found something else to do, I need another assistant. Would you feel better if you were helping keep Spiderwebbers alive?

Slartucker: It's something, at least. I suppose so.

Ephesos: Good. Dikiyoba will teach you what to do. I'm going to go check on my last remaining patients in the Tech Support Forum.

Ephesos exits. Kelandon, Saunders, Schrodinger, Khoth, and *i are talking.

*i: We could set up some good defenses with the scripting abilities of the Blades of Avernum Forum.

Kelandon: True, but we need a long time to create them.

Schrodinger: Then start working now. Saunders and I will be in charge of this forum. And Drakefyre will show up soon.

Kelandon: We should take other scripters with us.

Nikki: Do you think I should go?

*i: All right, we'll start rounding up people. How about Smoo?

Khoth: And Archmagus Micael and Niemand.

Nikki: What about me? Am I good enough?

Kelandon: Why don't we take Nikki as well?

Nikki: Really? Great!

Kelandon, *i, Khoth, Smoo, Archmagus Micael, Niemand, and Nikki exit. Ephesos enters with a few more newbs. Drakefyre enters from the other end with the last Spiderwebbers. They are followed closely by 1337 h4x0rs. Slartucker watches anxiously.

Slartucker: The 1337 h3x0rs are awfully close.

Kingy lets the arrow slack off his bow.

Kingy: I can't get a clear shot at the h4x0rs. I might hit a member.

One of the 1337 h4x0rs trips Dallerdin. From out of the depressions in the plain, the lurkers rise up and attack the 1337 h4x0rs. Many of the 1337 h4x0rs are slain. The rest flee back to the Exile Trilogy Forum. The lurkers hide in the shallow holes again. Drakefyre and the others reach the top of the hill safely. Just as they do, a whole horde of blue-painted undead enter the forum and charge. The lurkers rush out of their hiding spots and attack while the Spiderwebbers fire arrows at them. Ephesos runs to the edge of the hill in a rage.

Ephesos: Undead! Undead! Why, I ought to...

Slartucker and Dikiyoba pull Ephesos away from the edge of the hill.

Slartucker: Calm down, Ephesos.

Dikiyoba: Yes. Dikiyoba thinks there are more effective ways to kill the undead.

Ephesos: Of course there are. I just...well, you know how much I hate undead. Dikiyoba, you go gather all the potions left in the Tech Support Forum.

Dikiyoba: Dikiyoba will do that, Ephesos.

Dikiyoba exits. Ephesos drinks an energy elixir and casts repel spirit. Eight undead vanish. Ephesos casts repel spirit again. A short distance away, Randomizer is killing undead with bolts of fire and acid spray. The battle rages fiercely for a while. All too soon, the Spiderwebbers run low on arrows again.

Student of Trinity: Time to break out the rocks again!

The Spiderwebbers hurl rocks at the undead. Unfortunately, the rocks are not nearly so effective against the undead as they were against the flamers. The lurkers are slowly getting killed off and the undead are slowly advancing. They reach the bottom of the hill and begin climbing up.

Drakefyre: Charge!

The Spiderwebbers grab their melee weapons and charge down the hill. Enraged Slith hacks his way into the undead with his two-tined spear. Infernal666hate is causing devastation with Demonslayer. Happa Tai Yatti now only carries one halberd but somehow he also manages to carry a shield at the same time. Dintiradan stands at the top of the hill and yells at the lurkers. Ephesos is still casting repel spirit for all that he is worth. Slartucker runs down the hill and comes back with an injured lurker.

Slartucker: I need your help to heal this lurker, Ephesos.

Ephesos: I'm busy! If he's injured, give him a healing potion. If he's really injured, give him a healing elixir. If he's really, really injured, force a graymold salve down his throat.

Slartucker helps the lurker to drink a healing potion. Dikiyoba enters from the Tech Support Forum with more potions. Arancaytar picks up a bow and a handful of arrows that someone dropped. Down on the plains, Thralni and Rent-an-Ihrno are fighting side-by-side.

Rent-an-Ihrno: You seem distracted, Thralni.

Thralni: I'm just thinking about the nephilim language.

Rent-an-Ihrno: Thinking up a better name for it?

Thralni: No, I'm... hey! I've got it!

Rent-an-Ihrno: Got what?

Thralni: Breln. It's nephilian for noob. Now I can yell "Death to noobs" in nephilian.

Thralni takes a deep breath. But before he can say anything, another throwing axe comes flying out from nowhere and strikes him. He falls to the ground.

Thralni: May the chicken gods curse and strike down every last breln!

Thralni dies. At the top of the hill, Arancaytar aims in the direction that the axe came from and fires. h4xx dies. The axe it was about to throw flies straight up into the air. When it comes down, it kills one of the undead. At the back of the noob army, Spawner growls.

Spawner: Grr! Pyroroamer, bring me the crossbow and bolts we found earlier.

Pyroroamer brings Spawner the crossbow and bolts.

Pyroroamer: But he's out of range. You can't hit him.

Spawner takes the crossbow and bolts.

Spawner: I know. But he can't hit me either.

Spawner loads the crossbow and takes careful aim. MagmaDragoon is hit.

MagmaDragoon: I was the only Italian on these forums. Alas, now there are none.

MagmaDragoon dies. Dareva ducks the next bolt. Student of Trinity ducks a third.

Student of Trinity: I summon the bright, colorful trinity of a color ink cartridge to protect us!

Before anything is summoned, however, Spawner's fourth bolt hits Student of Trinity. Slartucker rushes over, ducking a fifth bolt as he does so. He picks Student of Trinity up and starts carrying toward the hill.

Student of Trinity: Have you thought about what happens to us when we die?

Slartucker: Not anymore than I have to.

Student of Trinity: That's what I did, too. But now I really wish I had specified which trinity. Oh well. Kill some more noobs for me.

Student of Trinity dies. Slartucker stands stunned until the cry of an injured lurker forces him to return to the battle. In the middle of the battlefield, Drakefyre is having difficulties. The undead have surrounded him and he is forced to move farther and farther away from the rest of the army. Pyroroamer and Spawner watch in amusement. Spawner lifts up its crossbow.

Spawner: We have him now!

Pyroroamer: Yes. The Spiderwebbers will be helpless without an administrator to lead them.

Drakefyre casts arcane blow on a group of undead. Spawner fires its next bolt. The bolt buries itself into Drakefyre. Drakefyre pulls it out contemptuously.

Drakefyre: It'll take more than one little arrow to stop me!

Drakefyre teleports to right behind Spawner and Pyroroamer. The two of them instantly flee into the Exile Trilogy Forum. Drakefyre casts a few rounds of arcane blow on the stunned 1337 h4x0r guards and steps into the Exile Trilogy Forum after Spawner and Pyroroamer.

Scene 3: Exile Trilogy Forum

Scene 3: Exile Trilogy Forum Dikiyoba Mon, 03/26/2007 - 02:09
Drakefyre chases after Spawner and Pyroroamer. They have a good lead, but Drakefyre is rapidly closing in on them.

Spawner: Help us, your Noobness!

Drakefyre comes to an abrupt halt.

Drakefyre: The ur-noob? Here? You mean it's not a true Bob?

Drakefyre turns and runs away. Spawner aims another bolt at him, but misses. Drakefyre yells as he runs.

Drakefyre: Ban you! Ban you both!

Drakefyre exits. Spawner runs up to the ur-noob.

Spawner: We led an administator right to you! Why didn't you smush him?

The ur-noob's scales look dull and it is sitting slumped over as if exhausted. The ur-noob shakes its head and stares at Spawner. The ur-noob may look a little ill, but the eyes are still bright and dangerous. Spawner takes a step back.


Spawner: No! Of course not, your Noobness! It's just that, sometimes, your vast wisdom and diabolic plans are above my intelligence, your Noobness.


The ur-noob suddenly sneezes. The huge jet of flame that results sets most of the forum on fire.

Spawner: What is it, your Noobness?


Spawner: Before we go, your Noobness, there's just one little thing I want to tell you.

Ur-noob: WHAT IS IT?

Spawner: It was that administrator who helped Jeff escape. That's why we were luring him to you.

Pyroroamer: (Whispers) I thought we were running for our lives.

Spawner: (Whispers) We were, but the ur-noob doesn't know that.

The ur-noob rears up to its full height and roars.


The ur-noob charges out of the forum. Spawner and Pyroroamer hesitate.

Pyroroamer: How did you know that he was the one who helped Jeff escape?

Spawner: I didn't. I made it up.

Pyroroamer: But why?

Spawner: To end this battle with a decisive victory.

Pyroroamer: You are truly loyal to the ur-noob then?

Spawner: Don't be silly. Loyalty to the ur-noob will only get you killed.

Pyroroamer: Then why don't we slip off right now? I'll round up the last of my flamers and you can gather the brightest noobs and 1337 h4x0rs. We'll find an easier message board to conquer and rule it.

Spawner: We can't. The barrier that the ur-noob put up to keep the Spiderwebbers from leaving blocks us as well.

Pyroroamer: So what do you propose we do?

Spawner: Exactly what I have set in motion. Allow the ur-noobs and the brainless spammers to kill off all the Spiderwebbers while we stay alive. After the battle is over, the barriers will come down. Then we will slip off. If it has to be just the pair of us, then so be it.

Pyroroamer: That is ingenious.

Spawner: Yes. Yes it is. Now, let us go to the Avernum Trilogy Forum before the ur-noob notices that we are missing.

Pyroroamer and Spawner exit.

Scene 4: Avernum Trilogy Forum

Scene 4: Avernum Trilogy Forum Dikiyoba Mon, 03/26/2007 - 02:56
Drakefyre enters the forum and blasts his way through the undead. The Spiderwebbers have been pushed back to the top of the hill. Inthrall strikes down an undead and dodges the claws of another. Drakefyre breaks free of the battle and steps in front of Ephesos.

Drakefyre: I need healing, Ephesos.

Ephesos steps aside and casts repel spirit on eight more undead.

Ephesos: But I must kill more undead. All undead must die. Again.

Dikiyoba picks up a bow and scrounges a few arrows.

Dikiyoba: Dikiyoba will kill the undead for you, Ephesos.

Dikiyoba aims at an undead and kills it. As Dikiyoba reloads, there is a huge roar that shakes the entire forum. The ur-noob enters. Dikiyoba accidently releases the arrow in shock.

Dikiyoba: Ow! Ow!

Dikiyoba hops around on one foot, having shot Dikiyoba's self in the other. The rest of the Spiderwebbers stand stunned at the sight of the ur-noob. Inthrall stares, enthralled by the size and might of the ur-noob.

Inthrall: Wow. That's... that's... We're all going to die!

The ur-noob spreads its vast wings and flaps them. The wind this generates knocks over Spiderwebbers and undead alike.


Drakefyre: Retreat! Retreat!

Dintiradan: Retreat, my Legions of Terror! Retreat!

The Spiderwebbers and lurkers pick themselves up and run into the Blades of Avernum Editor Forum. Several lurkers fall to undead claws as they retreat. Slartucker carries an injured lurker with him. Shaun Waun assists Dikiyoba in hobbling out. Ephesos pauses to pick up a dropped potion and is clawed in the face by an undead.

Ephesos: Gah! Bad undead!

Ephesos casts repel spirit on the undead surrounding him and flees. Drakefyre is the last out. He casts arcane blow on the undead while the final Spiderwebbers exit. As he turns to go, the ur-noob points a claw at the exit and a magical barrier appears. Drakefyre crashes into it and is immediately set upon by undead.


Drakefyre kills the undead and attempts to dispel the barrier. Several 1337 h4x0rs attack him. He manages to kill most of them, but he is attacked by several more. Eventually, sheer weight of numbers pins him down.


The 1337 h4x0rs drag Drakefyre over to the ur-noob and force him to kneel.

Drakefyre: (Mutters.) This is so humiliating.

The ur-noob sniffs loudly and stiffles a sneeze. It stands well over sixteen feet tall but looks more skeletal and oddly-jointed than ever. It glows with such intensity that it almost seems to be clothed in light. The ur-noob glares at Drakefyre with bulging, red-tinted eyes.


Drakefyre says nothing.


Drakefyre remains silent.


Drakefyre spits at the ur-noob's feet. The ur-noob yells. It starts off as a low growl but quickly reaches a high-pitched shriek that has Drakefyre and the 1337 h4x0rs on the ground with their hands over their ears. The yell stops abruptly as the ur-noob sneezes, frying several 1337 h4x0rs. The ur-noob manages to come to something resembling control as the 1337 h4x0rs recover and pin Drakefyre down again. It spends some time picking at its claws and then watches the noobs piling all the badly managled lurkers, undead, 1337 h4x0rs, and broken weapons into a pile. The relatively undamaged lurkers are being lined up to eventually become more undead. Finally, the ur-noob turns back to Drakefyre.


Drakefyre: What do you want?

The ur-noob watches Drakefyre for a moment and then picks up Thralni's body and eats it. Drakefyre winces.


Drakefyre says nothing.

Ur-noob: ANSWER ME! NOW!

Drakefyre struggles for several minutes to throw off the 1337 h4x0rs.

Drakefyre: Ban you! Ban you all!

Nothing happens. Then the ur-noob laughs. It stretches to its full height, nearly scraping its head against the forum header. Its wings spread wide and smoke pours from its open mouth as it laughs like a maniac. It appears to have grown even larger.


Drakefyre continues to struggle wildly.


Drakefyre: There is still one way.

Drakefyre disappears in a small puff of smoke.


Scene 5: Blades of Avernum Forum

Scene 5: Blades of Avernum Forum Dikiyoba Mon, 03/26/2007 - 03:04
The Spiderwebbers have passed through the Blades of Avernum Editor Forum to the Blades of Avernum Forum. The landscape of this forum is very pleasing. It is a series of low, grassy hills. Many Spiderwebbers have taken advantage of this relaxing landscape and the time afforded to them by the defenses of the Blades of Avernum Editor Forum to rest and recover. *i is planning the defense of the forum. Ephesos has healed himself, Dikiyoba, and the injured lurkers and is now sleeping to recover his spell points. Dintiradan has slipped off with most of the lurkers to an abandoned mining town in the mountains. A few of the bolder lurkers remain behind, though they stay out of the direct sunlight. However, no one else, not even the most die-hard Blades of Avernum fans, are willing to risk getting trapped in the forum with no escape. Arancaytar is sitting on the grass with the stats in front of him. Suddenly, he jumps up and hurries over to speak with *i.

Arancaytar: *i, Drakefyre banned himself!

*i: What? You mean he didn't make it out of the Avernum Trilogy Forum?

Arancaytar: Apparently not. Can't you unban him?

*i: I can do that.

*i waves a hand. Drakefyre appears in a puff of smoke.

Drakefyre: Thank you.

Arancaytar: Why did you ban yourself?

Drakefyre: It was the only way I could escape from the ur-noob and I didn't feel like dying.

Arancaytar: That makes sense.

*i: And you now have information about the ur-noob that we can use, right?

Drakefyre: Yes. The ur-noob is even more dangerous than we could have ever possibly imagined and its power is growing. No ordinary methods will bring it down. The only weakness I saw was a minor cold. But if we could kill it, the attack would basically be over. Without someone to lead them, the noobs would be easy to kill. And we could get reinforcements once the barrier came down.

*i: Drakey, we must discuss which of our special methods could be used to bring down the ur-noob. I'm sure there is something.

*i and Drakefyre exit.

Scene 6: Blades of Avernum Editor Forum

Scene 6: Blades of Avernum Editor Forum Dikiyoba Mon, 03/26/2007 - 03:15
Kelandon is supervising the final touches to the defenses of the forum.

Kelandon: That's a nice little bit of scripting, Niemand. Nikki, hurry up. We don't have much time.

Nikki: I'm almost done.

Khoth: These defenses aren't nearly so good as the defenses in the Blades of Exile Forum, even though the scripting on this forum allows us to do more stuff.

Kelandon: That's true, but there are fewer proficient scripters for this forum and the scripting takes longer to do.

Smoo: I wish TM were still alive. He could have done some impressive things, I'm sure.

Smoo finishes up with a demon-spawning trap and walks over to help Archmagus Micael finish his barricade filled with ruby skeletons. Nikki finishes his final trap.

Nikki: Okay. I'm finished. I'm just worried that it's not good enough.

Kelandon: It'll be fine. Let's go before it's too late.

Khoth: Too late.

A group of 1337 h4x0rs bursts into the forums. Most die attempting to get through one of Kelandon's puzzles but two of them manage to make it through safely and attack Smoo before he can react. Smoo dies.

Kelandon: Oh my god! They killed Smoo!

Kelandon, Khoth, Archmagus Micael, and Nikki all run for the exit as more 1337 h4x0rs and undead pour into the forum. Although the traps slow down and kill many 1337 h4x0rs and undead, the noob army advances through the forum with relative ease. Spawner and Pyroroamer stay back.

Pyroroamer: Well, this is easier than the maze in the Blades of Exile Forum.

Spawner: Indeed. Do you realize that we've conquered half the forums now. Hey... who's that?

Niemand comes out of nowhere bearing a jade halberd. Spawner saves its life by pushing a 1337 h4x0r into the path of the halberd. Pyroroamer and Spawner scramble out of blade range.

Spawner: Kill him! Kill him now!

Three 1337 h4x0rs run up, but Niemand performs a fancy move that kills all three easily.

Niemand: You won't get me so easily!

Pyroroamer: Do you have any sort of plan, Spawner?

Spawner: You mean besides throwing every noob under my command at him at once? Well, we could run to the Avernum Trilogy Forum, except that I don't think he'll follow. Yikes!

Spawner ducks the halberd again and runs further away.

Spawner: Kill him! All of you, kill him!

Niemand is surrounded by 1337 h4x0rs. He hacks away at them for a very long time but eventually he starts to get tired. There doesn't seem to be any end to the 1337 h4x0rs that Spawner and Pyroroamer send at him.

Spawner: How many 1337 h4x0rs can he kill?

Pyroroamer: I'll send a flamer at him. That should take him down.

Pyroroamer secretly directs one of the few remaining flamers, still disguised as a 1337 h4x0r, to attack Niemand. Niemand slays another 1337 h4x0r, then hits the flamer in disguise. The flamer explodes, killing many 1337 h4x0rs and critically injuring Niemand.

Niemand: Well, at least I die defending my favorite forum. That, and the fact that they haven't found my best work yet.

Niemand dies. Spawner and Pyroroamer look at each other as they ponder Niemand's final words. Suddenly, there is a huge explosion that kills about fifty 1337 h4x0rs.

Spawner: Oh. It must have been that trap.

Act 8

Act 8 Dikiyoba Mon, 03/26/2007 - 03:21
When an evil overlord becomes the lesser of two evils...

Scene 1: Blades of Avernum Forum

Scene 1: Blades of Avernum Forum Dikiyoba Mon, 03/26/2007 - 03:32
Schrodinger stands on a small hill. He is watching the entrance to the forum intently. Behind him, Kelandon and Arancaytar are talking.

Arancaytar: So, what do you think would be the best way to defend this forum?

Kelandon: See those two steep hills? That's where we will make our stand. We can even push the boulders on each hill down onto the noob army.

Arancaytar: That sounds like a good idea.

Arancaytar winces suddenly.

Arancaytar: We don't have much time left before the noob army comes, though. Niemand just died.

Kelandon: Wake up, everyone! Wake up!

Grumbling and yawning, the Spiderwebbers come awake and gather their weapons. Arancaytar takes half of them to the top of the eastern hill. Kelandon takes the rest to the top of the western one. Schrodinger comes running toward them.

Schrodinger: The noobs are here! And there are a lot of them!

The Spiderwebbers watch as a horde of ordinary noobs marches toward them.

Schrodinger: How many noobs would you guess there are, Arancaytar?

Arancaytar: I have no idea. Far too many. We'd better make sure that no noobs get behind us, or else we won't be able to retreat.

Wise Man fires an arrow at a noob.

Wise Man: We're going to run out of arrows again, I can already tell.

Kingy: At least there are some slings.

Kingy slings a rock at a noob. At the back of the army and completely surrounded by 1337 h4x0rs, Spawner and Pyroroamer talk.

Pyroroamer: So, your strategy is just to throw noobs at them until they are completely exhausted and are either killed or retreat?

Spawner: Yes. Some of these noobs are survivors from the earlier forums, but most haven't seen any action yet in this war. And there are still even more noobs to send in if the Spiderwebbers manage to stay alive that long.

Spawner sends another group of noobs to go attack the Spiderwebbers.

Pyroroamer: This could take a while.

Spawner: So? Take a nap if you get bored.

The first noobs reach the base of the hills and begin climbing up.

Marlenny: Do we roll a few boulders at them now?

Kelandon: Not yet. Let them get halfway up the hill before we try anything.

Ephesos fires an arrow at a noob.

Ephesos: I wonder if repel spirit will work on noobs. What do you think, Slartucker?

Slartucker fires an arrow as well.

Slartucker: I hate this.

A short distance away, Zeviz and Randomizer are casting bolts of fire on the noobs. The noobs are now nearly halfway up the hills.

Kelandon: Release a boulder now.

Marlenny, Dareva, Inthrall, Dallerdin, and Redstart all push against a large boulder with all their might. The boulder rolls over the edge of the hill and smashes noobs as it goes. However, it hardly slows the noobs' advance. Pyroroamer angrily watches the boulder squish countless noobs flat.

Pyroroamer: Hand me that crossbow and bolts, Spawner.

At Pyroroamer's side, Spawner is flat on its back and snoring. Pyroroamer gives it a swift kick. Spawner comes awake.

Spawner: Huh? What? Oh, it's you. What do you want?

Pyroroamer: The Spiderwebbers are rolling boulders down on the army.

Spawner: So? They'll run out of boulders eventually, just like they always run out of arrows. See, look how few arrows are being fired.

Another boulder rolls from western hill and flattens more noobs. A third boulder rolls down the eastern hill.

Pyroroamer: See! Look at that! Give me that crossbow now!

Spawner hands Pyroroamer the crossbow and bolts.

Spawner: Suit yourself. You there, h4x0r! Bring in another group of noobs.

The 1337 h4x0r salutes and exits. Spawner lays back down and closes its eyes again. Pyroroamer stalks off. As the Spiderwebbers on the western hill struggle to move another boulder, a bolt comes flying up and strikes Dallerdin.

Dallerdin: Somehow, I'm not surprised that it ends like this.

Dallerdin dies. Inthrall ducks a second bolt. Pyroroamer throws itself flat upon the ground immediately.

Inthrall: This isn't good.

Dareva: Who keeps shooting at us, anyway? I can't see a noob with a crossbow anywhere.

Kelandon: Just shoot in the direction that the bolts came from!

Pyroroamer stays perfectly still as arrows and rocks kill the noobs surrounding it, knowing that running would only make it a target. The missiles fly so thick that soon not a single noob is left standing. The archers and slingers turn their attention in other directions as the first noobs make it over the top of the hill. Pyroroamer loads up and fires again. This time, Marlenny is hit. She staggers backwards a few steps.

Kelandon: Marlenny!

Marlenny dies. Pyroroamer turns and runs off.

Kelandon: I'll get it!

Kelandon snatches the bow from Slartucker's hands, turns, and aims at Pyroroamer's back. Just as he fires, a noob tackles him. The arrow hits the noob just to the left of Pyroroamer instead. As Kelandon falls, he hits his head on a rock and doesn't rise. Slartucker stabs the noob that tackled Kelandon and then kneels down and looks Kelandon over.

Slartucker: Well, he's just unconscious. Ephesos, Kelandon needs your help!

Kelandon opens his eyes.

Kelandon: I'm fine.

Slartucker: Are you sure? You hit your head rather hard.

Kelandon stands up slowly and rubs his head.

Kelandon: Of course I am. Why would you think that, anyway?

Slartucker: Because you hit your head. I'm worried that you are hurt.

Kelandon: Well, your wrong.

Slartucker: What did you say?

Kelandon: I said your wrong.

Slartucker: I was afraid that you had said that.

On the eastern hill, the noobs have succeeded in getting to the top as well. The Spiderwebbers have been forced away from the boulders, with the exception of Zephyr Tempest and Spy-there, who have taken refuge on top of boulder. Zephyr Tempest slays a noob attempting to scramble up.

Zephyr Tempest: We have to rejoin the others. Do you have an idea, Spy-there?

Spy-there: I like the idea of jumping down and fighting our way through.

Zephyr Tempest: We've tried that two times already.

Spy-there: Third time's the charm.

Schrodinger: Get down! Now!

Spy-there and Zephyr Tempest look at each other. Behind them, Pyroroamer makes a big show of aiming the crossbow at Zephyr Tempest.

Zephyr Tempest: What did you say?

Schrodinger: Get down! There's a...

Pyroroamer suddenly aims the crossbow at Schrodinger and fires. Schrodinger collapses as the bolt hits him.

Schrodinger: ...never mind. Someone else will have to finish the walkthrough for Avernum 4 now, I guess.

Pyroroamer watches to see whether Schrodinger lives or dies. Schrodinger dies. The time that Pyroroamer spends watching Schrodinger die allows Delicious Vlish to run up to Pyroroamer and smack it with a mighty tentacle. Pyroroamer drops the crossbow and flees. Delicious Vlish casts terror on the noobs surrounding the boulder as he retreats, allowing Zephyr Tempest and Spy-there to rejoin the other Spiderwebbers. Spawner watches dispassionately as Pyroroamer staggers back.

Spawner: Go die somewhere else.

Pyroroamer glares at Spawner.

Pyroroamer: I'm not going to die. In fact, I feel so fine that I'm going to lead a group of noobs around to attack the Spiderwebbers from the other side of the hill.

Suddenly, Pyroroamer sits down, shaking violently. Spawner laughs.

Spawner: I can see that. You should have charged into the Spiderwebbers and blown them up rather than come back.

Pyroroamer: I don't explode; I'm not an ordinary flamer. At... at least I... I killed two a... active... m... members and a... a mod...

Pyroroamer wipes some sort of green ooze out of its wound.

Spawner: And you lost the crossbow and got yourself killed in the process.

Pyroroamer: I... keep tell... ing you. I'm... not... going... to... d... urg.

Pyroroamer dies. The 1337 h4x0r that Spawner sent out earlier returns with another wave of noobs.

Spawner: Excellent job, h4x0r. Lead these noobs around the hills and attack them from behind. If you are successful, I will make you a captain.

The 1337 h4x0r salutes and leads the noobs away.

Scene 2: Avernum Trilogy Forum

Scene 2: Avernum Trilogy Forum Dikiyoba Mon, 03/26/2007 - 03:53
Four of the six noobventurers who died in the Blades of Exile Forum are laid out in front of the ur-noob. The ur-noob dumps a balm of life potion over them. Before it can do anything else, however, it pauses to sneeze. Then the ur-noob touches a claw to each of the noobventurers. They return to life. The noobventurers stand up and look around.

Head noobventurer: What happened? I... oh... greetings, your Noobness. Um, what happened to the other two adventurers?

The ur-noob sniffs.

Ur-noob: DON'T ASK!

Head noobventurer: Right. So, what do you want us to do this time?


Head noobventurer: Sounds dangerous and difficult. Do we get some sort of magical ritual or special amulet that will help us?

Ur-noob: NO, YOU DON'T!

Head noobventurer: Okay. So, how do you want us to go about doing it, then?

The ur-noob sniffs again.


Head noobventurer: Yes, your Noobness.

The noobventurers exit. After they do so, the ur-noob sneezes so violently that most of the hill crumbles in the blast of fire and heat.

Scene 3: Blades of Avernum

Scene 3: Blades of Avernum Dikiyoba Mon, 03/26/2007 - 03:54
The Spiderwebbers are still fighting off the noobs, but it is clear that they are exhausted. On the eastern hill, Arancaytar and Delicious Vlish struggle to prevent the Spiderwebbers under their command from being overrun.

Arancaytar: dXs! Infernal666hate! Keep those noobs from circling behind us!

Infernal666hate kills a noob with Demonslayer and looks around.

Infernal666hate: Aran! There's a large group of noobs coming up from this side of the hill!

Led by the 1337 h4x0r, a large group of noobs charges up the far side of the hill.

Arancaytar: Quick! We must keep them from surrounding us!

Arancaytar leads some Spiderwebbers towards the oncoming noobs. dXs attacks the 1337 h4x0r, but he is so tired that he slips and falls. He rolls to one side as the 1337 h4x0r's battle-axe comes down. The axe crashes into the ground. Arancaytar stabs the 1337 h4x0r as dXs gets to his feet.

Delicious Vlish: We can't keep this up any longer, Arancaytar! We must retreat!

Delicious Vlish casts terror on a large group of noobs, The terrified noobs run around tripping and trampling other noobs.

Arancaytar: You lead this group to the Geneforge Forum. I'll tell Kelandon to retreat.

Arancaytar runs towards the western hill. He climbs onto a low rock and yells up at those on the hill.

Arancaytar: Kelandon! Kelandon!

Slartucker appears at the edge of the hill.

Slartucker: I can hear you! What do you want?

Arancaytar: Have Kelandon call the retreat!

Slartucker: Will do!

Slartucker disappears. Arancaytar stabs a noob and then rejoins the retreating group from the east hill. Slartucker shoots his last arrow and then finds Kelandon.

Slartucker: Kelandon! Arancaytar's called the retreat!

Kelandon: We can't retreat yet!

Slartucker: If we don't retreat now, we'll be overrun!

Kelandon: Alright, alright. Your right, I suppose. Retreat! Retreat!

The Spiderwebbers run from the western hill towards the exit. In the confusion, the Lurker and Wanderer are separated from the rest. They are forced to retreat in the opposite direction of the exit. From a small hill, four figures watch the retreat.

Head noobventurer: It would have been much easier to complete our task if we had slipped past the Spiderwebbers before the retreat. Now we're going to have to fight our way through the Geneforge Forum.

The noobventurer priest is kneeling on the ground while picking herbs.

Noobventurer priest: Oh well. We've been in tighter situations before.

Noobventurer archer: What are you doing, anyway?

Noobventurer priest: I'm picking herbs that I can make into poison potions. I figure it will be better to weaken the administrators before we openly attack them.

The noobventurer mage points up at the mountainous area.

Noobventurer mage: Ooh, look! A large, creepy, abandoned mining town. Let's go explore it!

Head noobventurer: Good idea!

The noobventurer party trudges up into the mountains towards the city. Just a short distance away, Wanderer and the Lurker are walking away from the noob army and talking.

Wanderer: Well, it looks like we're going to be here for a while.

The Lurker: Yeah. There's no way we can get to the exit. What should we do now, though?

Wanderer points up at the mountainous area.

Wanderer: There's an abandoned city up there. We'd probably be safer there than anywhere else.

The Lurker: Sounds good to me. Let's go.

The Lurker and Wanderer hike towards the city. From the top of a tower, Dintiradan watches both groups approaching through binoculars. Dintiradan has successfully made the transition from an Evil Overlord Wannabe to a Mildly Evil Overlord. He sets down the binoculars and rubs his hands together in glee.

Dintiradan: Good, good. This should be interesting.

Scene 4: Avernum Trilogy Forum

Scene 4: Avernum Trilogy Forum Dikiyoba Mon, 03/26/2007 - 04:16
Spawner enters the forum. The ur-noob is curled up with its wings folded around it like a blanket. Despite the natural warmth of the forum, the ur-noob is shivering. Some of its glow has faded away. It sneezes again but this time no flame comes out. Spawner halts abruptly, stunned by the sight. The ur-noob opens an eye suddenly.


Despite its sick appearance, the ur-noob still maintains its dangerous and angry disposition. If anything, the illness has made it worse.

Spawner: Are you feeling all right, your Noobness?


Spawner: We've overrun both Blades of Avernum forums, your Noobness. However, there is a city in the mountains in the Blades of Avernum Forum. There are many Spiderwebbers up there. The noobventurers are reported to be heading in that direction.


Spawner: I have no idea, your Noobness. All I know is that there are probably many Spiderwebbers there.

The ur-noob rises to its feet in a suprisingly short time.


The ur-noob exits. Spawner hesitates for a moment, looking as if it really wants to run and hide, but follows.

Scene 5: Blade of Avernum Forum

Scene 5: Blade of Avernum Forum Dikiyoba Mon, 03/26/2007 - 04:22
The lurkers are rushing about fortifying the city. Dintiradan has the binoculars out again. He watches the noobventurers for a while and then turns to watch Wanderer and the Lurker. He snaps his fingers. A lurker runs up.

Lurker: Yes, my lord?

Dintiradan: Are the ambushers in position?

Lurker: Yes, my lord.

Dintiradan: Good. Are they well armed?

Lurker: Of course they are, my lord.

Dintiradan: Good. I will join them. This should provide some entertainment value. Besides, I don't trust the ambushers to pull off the ambush exactly the way I want them to yet.

Dintiradan and the lurker climb down from the tower and exit the city. They hide among the rocks with the ambushers in the spot where two paths meet.

Noobventurer archer: I think my feet are about to fall off.

Noobventurer priest: Look up ahead! There's two people there!

Head noobventurer: Let's talk to them.

The Lurker: You know, I don't really like the look of the city anymore.

Wanderer: Oh, you're just... there's people behind us!

Head noobventurer: Hello. Oh. You're Spiderwebbers. We must kill you now.

The Lurker and Wanderer draw their blades. Dintiradan stands up.

Dintiradan: Ahem. I have you now! Surrender or die!

Twenty to thirty lurkers come out of the rocks and quickly surround the noobventurers, Wanderer, and the Lurker. All of the lurkers are carrying a ridiculous variety and number of weapons. Wanderer lowers his blade.

Wanderer: You wouldn't really kill us, would you, Dintiradan?

Dintiradan: Well, I wouldn't kill you personally, but I have no problem ordering your deaths.

The Lurker puts down his weapon.

The Lurker: We surrender.

Dintiradan: Good. Step over this way.

The Lurker and Wanderer are roughly grabbed by several lurkers and quickly tied up.

Dintiradan: What do you have to say, noobventurers?

Noobventurer mage: (Whispers.) We can take all thirty of them! What do you think?

Noobventurer priest: (Whispers.) I don't think we can.

Noobventurer archer: (Whispers.) What's the worst that can happen if we surrender? We've surrendered before and gotten out alive.

Head noobventurer: We surrender.

The noobventurers drop their weapons. Dintiradan's grin widens.

Dintiradan: That makes it easy. Kill them.

Head noobventurer: What!

The lurkers fire arrows, sling rocks, fire rifles, and use other projectiles until the noobventurers are well and truly dead.

Dintiradan: That really was easy. I'm a Moderately Evil Overlord now. You six, burn the bodies. You four, bring our two guests up to the city. The rest of you, continue to guard the path.

Dintiradan walks back to the city. Behind him, four lurkers carry the Lurker and Wanderer to the city as well. Once in the city, Dintiradan has Wanderer and the Lurker set down and freed. They rub their rope burns, looking both angry and scared.

Wanderer: Are you completely crazy?

Dintiradan: No, not completely. Though being a Spiderwebber and an Evil Overlord does take quite a toll on sanity.

The Lurker: Why did you kill the noobventurers but not us?

Dintiradan: I didn't kill you because you have nowhere else to go. If you tried to leave, you would be killed by the noobs. If this city is overrun, you will be killed by noobs. This makes you trustworthy, at least for now. The noobventurers cannot be trusted, so I had them killed.

The Lurker: Oh. So what's your evil scheme?

Dintiradan: In the short term, the lurkers and I will hide out and defend ourself against the noobs until my evil weapons are completed. Then we will attack the noobs with the evil weapons. What I plan to do after the noobs are defeated is classified and it is better for your well-being not to know.

The Lurker: Oh dear. Um, can we see the evil weapons?

Dintiradan: Certainly, seeing as it would be suicidal to use the one weapon that is completed so far.

Dintiradan leads Wanderer and the Lurker over to a large workshop. Inside, they see many wooden boxes. Some are still being hammered together. Others are filled about halfway full of gunpowder. One is closed and is shaking so violently it almost seems ready to fall apart.

Wanderer: What is it?

Dintiradan: Well, I had a bit of a dilemma. On one hand, I wanted to create boxes that would magically explode upon impact. On the other hand, I wanted to summon a horde of angry fluffy turtles. So I compromised.

The Lurker: You mean...

Dintiradan: Yes. I am creating boxes that will explode upon impact and release angry fluffy turtles everywhere.

A lurker runs up.

Dintiradan: Yes?

Lurker: The ur-noob is headed this way with an army, my lord. It looks angry.

Dintiradan: The ur-noob already? Well, the defenses in this city aren't strong enough to hold against the ur-noob itself. We'll have to attack it from the mountains. Get the lurkers ready. The two of you, carry the box.

The Lurker and Wanderer pick up the rattling box carefully and follow Dintiradan up a steep trail that leads higher into the mountains. At the base of the mountains, Spawner and the ur-noob look up at the city from the front of a sizeable but fairly small army. At least, it is fairly small when compared to the rest of the noob forces. Compared to Dintiradan's army, however, the ur-noob's group is huge.


The ur-noob allows the army to move ahead of it before stalking up the path itself. Spawner follows behind the ur-noob apprehensively. Just a short way up the path, the noob forces clash with the lurkers. From their position high the rocks, the lurkers fire upon the 1337 h4x0rs. One arrow strikes the ur-noob and harmlessly bounces off. However, it sends the ur-noob into a towering rage. The ur-noob gives its characteristic deep growl that climbs to an unearthly screech. Dintiradan is about to throw the box when the yell starts. He falls to the ground with his hands over his ears. Behind him, the Lurker and Wanderer do the same thing. All of the lurkers and 1337 h4x0rs collapse as well. Spawner manages to only fall to its knees. Then the ur-noob stops.

Wanderer: That was the most horrible sound that I have ever heard.

There is a low rumble from up above.

The Lurker: Oh great. An echo.

Dintiradan: No, you fools! It's an ava...

Dintiradan jumps up, grabs the box, and runs down the path back towards the city as the rumble increases. A mountain collapses, sending countless tons of soil and rock down below. The Lurker and Wanderer are instantly wiped out. The avalanche continues, burying all of the lurkers and 1337 h4x0rs. Rocks bounce harmlessly off of the ur-noob's back and sides. Spawner yells as the avalanche comes towards it. Just before it is buried, the ur-noob picks Spawner up out of harm's way.

Spawner: I never would have thought that you would save my life, your Noobness.


Spawner: Yes, your Noobness.

The ur-noob sets Spawner down. Spawner runs off. The ur-noob pulls its feet out of the rubble and marches up the path towards the city. It marches past an intersection with four piles of ashes in the middle of it and marches up to the city. Half-running, half-sliding down another path, Dintiradan comes to a halt as soon as it sees the ur-noob. He starts to throw the box, but the ur-noob plucks it out of his hand and holds it delicately between two claws. With the other hand, it picks up Dintiradan.


Dintiradan: I'm not telling you!

The ur-noob's hand tightens. Dintiradan finds himself being constricted.


Dintiradan: They... aren't... here... I... don't... know... where... they... are...


The ur-noob lifts Dintiradan higher until he is above the ur-noob's head. The ur-noob opens its mouth.

Dintiradan: Shouldn't you at least kill me first?


The ur-noob lets Dintiradan go.

Dintiradan: Nooooooooo!

Dintiradan lands in the ur-noob's open mouth. The ur-noob chews several times and swallows. Then it licks its claws delicately. Spawner runs up, leading a group of 1337 h4x0rs.


The 1337 h4x0rs salute and set to work. The ur-noob hands Spawner the box.

Spawner: What is this for, your Noobness?


Spawner turns white.

Spawner: You want me to... to...


Spawner: But... but... how?


Spawner: But... yes, your Noobness.

Spawner walks off. The ur-noob sets the abandoned city on fire with one breath and then stomps and kicks at it until the whole structure collapses. The ur-noob looks almost unreasonably happy after this wanton destruction.


Act 9

Act 9 Dikiyoba Mon, 03/26/2007 - 04:41
Things get... interesting...

Scene 1: Geneforge Series Forum

Scene 1: Geneforge Series Forum Dikiyoba Mon, 03/26/2007 - 04:44
The Spiderwebbers enter the Geneforge Series Forum with the noobs right on their heels. A blast of hot wind hits them the moment they enter. Dust and grit blows into their eyes, mouths, noses, and everywhere else. The Geneforge forum is a flat, hot, barren desert. The noobs quickly gain on the exhausted Spiderwebbers and the Spiderwebbers soon find themselves fighting as they run. Redstart is tripped by a noob. He is overwhelmed and killed by the noobs so quickly he doesn't have a chance to make a peep. Arancaytar puts Redstart on the list.

Arancaytar: We need some way to push back the noobs.

Delicious Vlish looks surprisingly calm.

Delicious Vlish: Just need to get a little bit closer...

Arancaytar: What? Are you feeling okay, Vlish?

Delicious Vlish: Look ahead.

Just a short way ahead, there is a line of charged-up pylons. Just behind the pylons stands Croikle.

Arancaytar: They look like they are about ready to fire. Get down, everyone!

The Spiderwebbers immediately fall flat as the pylons fire bolts of magical energy. Almost all of the front ranks of the noobs are killed in the blasts. The Spiderwebbers crawl to safety as the pylons continue to fire. Once safely behind the pylons, they stand up and look around. There is a large pile of supplies, a healing pool, an essence pool, and a pillar nearby. Eventually, the noobs retreat so that they are outside the pylon range.

Arancaytar: Good work, Croikle. That's the first time I've ever been happy to see a pylon.

Croikle: I have some new items. No doubt you are low on supplies. Most of them are pretty basic, but there are a few good items.

Many Spiderwebbers crowd around the essence and healing pools. Others sort through the supply pile for chitin armor, bronze swords, and thorn batons. Delicious Vlish, however, is interested in the pillar.

Delicious Vlish: What does it do?

Croikle: It is the source of all my power. And it also emits a calming influence on everyone.

Delicious Vlish: I thought so.

Croikle hands Arancaytar, Kelandon, and Khoth each a shaped blade. Slartucker examines a thorn baton closely.

Slartucker: How many thorns do you have, Croikle? We'll run out of them quickly.

Croikle: Not many. Fortunately, thorns do grow on bushes. I just need to find someone to pick them. There are still a few newbs and lurkers left, right?

Slartucker: Yeah. Three newbs and eight lurkers. If there's even that many left.

Croikle: I'll ask them to pick the thorns.

Croikle walks off. Delicious Vlish stands just in front of the pylons and taunts the noobs.

Delicious Vlish: Silly noobs! One of my tentacles has more intelligence than all of you combined!

The noobs ponder the insult for a good long while before finally looking angry and screaming idiotic threats back. But they don't charge forward. Slartucker passes by Ephesos, who is sitting by the essence pool with a pile of pods nearby.

Slartucker: What are you doing?

Ephesos: Resting. The healing pool can take care of most injuries. Croikle gave me some restoration and curing pods for the injuries that it can't heal.

The forum darkens suddenly. The wind picks up. Zephyr Tempest looks up.

Zephyr Tempest: Look at all those clouds! It looks like we're about to be hit by a storm.

Suddenly, Arancaytar collapses.

Khoth: Aran!

Spiderwebbers rush over. Arancaytar sits up, holding his head.

Ephesos: What happened?

Arancaytar: All the lurkers just died, as did Wanderer and the Lurker.

Ephesos: All of them? At the same time?

Arancaytar: Pretty much.

Arancaytar winces again.

Arancaytar: And Dintiradan died as well. I think I need to go rest for a while.

Dikiyoba: Not Dintiradan!

Ephesos: The Tech Support Forum is a quiet place.

Arancaytar: Thanks. I think I'll go there.

Arancaytar stands up and exits. Suddenly, there is a flash of lightning and a crash of thunder almost directly overhead. Huge drops of rain pour down. The dust quickly turns to slippery mud. Delicious Vlish makes obscene gestures with his tentacles.

Delicious Vlish: Silly noobs! Take that!

The noobs suddenly charge forward. Delicious Vlish quickly scuttles a safe distance behind the pylons. The other Spiderwebbers get ready for the attack. The pylons kill many noobs but the rest keep coming forward. Soon, the noobs draw level with the pylons and start attacking them.

Kelandon: Back up, Spiderwebbers! That pylon is about to crumble!

The Spiderwebbers back out of the way quickly. The pylon collapses, sending a cloud of poisonous gas into the air. Many noobs choke on it and die. The rest continue to charge forward. Lightning flashes overhead again, followed almost immediately by thunder. The first noobs break free of the pylons. Infernal666hate shoots a noob with a thorn baton.

Infernal666hate: What makes them so determined to kill themselves while killing us?

One by one, the pylons crumble and the noobs run forward. The Spiderwebbers shoot them with thorns, pausing only to reload. In the confusion, no one notices that a furtive figure carrying a rattling box steps out of the noob army and slips past the Spiderwebbers.

Slartucker: I'm almost out of thorns! Where's Croikle with more?

Khoth: He's over there!

Khoth points to a field of small bushes where about a dozen figures are working. Slartucker runs over there. Croikle is watching the last few newbs and lurkers pick thorns off of the bushes and put them into small basket.

Slartucker: We need more thorns!

Croikle: Take all the thorns you need. The newbs are picking as fast as they can.

Even as Slartucker and Croikle speak, the figure passes them. The newbs and lurkers notice it, however, and stop picking.

Newb: Who are you? And what's in the box.

Spawner: I am Spawner. This box here will, er, improve your lives. Haven't you noticed that the Spiderwebbers forced you to fight? That they let all of your friends die? And that now they are forcing you to do their labor? Haven't you noticed?

Lurker: Er...

Spawner: Apparently not. But it's all true. Allow me to pass freely and I will use the box to ensure that newbs and lurkers are never mistreated ever again. Just be patient for a little while longer, my friends.

Spawner walks on. The lurkers and newbs allow it to go. It exits the forum just as Croikle looks over.

Croikle: Hey! Why have you stopped?

Lurker: Because we're tired.

Croikle: There's no time to be tired now. Keep picking! We need more thorns!

The newbs and lurkers grumble but continue picking. Slartucker grabs several baskets of thorns and runs back to the battle. He hands them out. Inthrall goes down when two noobs jump on him. Dikiyoba stabs the noobs and drags Inthrall over to Ephesos. Zephyr Tempest slips in the mud. He gets up quickly and spits out mud and rainwater disgustedly. The battle and the downpour continue.

Scene 2: Tech Support Forum

Scene 2: Tech Support Forum Dikiyoba Mon, 03/26/2007 - 04:48
Spawner enters the forum silently. It looks around and sees that all the beds have been pushed to one side and a full-body mirror leans against the wall. Instead of resting, Arancaytar is pacing the length of the forum, muttering to himself. Spawner carefully sets the box down and ducks behind a bed before Arancaytar sees it. Spawner notices that Arancaytar is twirling a silver key in his hand. Spawner recalls how it couldn't get into the Moderator Board because the entrance was locked. Spawner waits until Arancaytar has turned away again and then stands up. Spawner draws a small dagger and lunges towards Arancaytar. Arancaytar turns, sees Spawner coming, and dives aside. He drops the key, draws his shaped blade, and gets up quickly.

Arancaytar: How did you get in here?

Spawner: The real question, though, is what the odds are of you getting out alive?

Arancaytar strikes at Spawner. Spawner parries easily. The two of them take a step back and watch each other closely. Arancaytar suddenly winces.

Arancaytar: Not another death...

Spawner attacks Arancaytar while he is distracted. Arancaytar barely gets the shaped blade up in time to parry the blow. He staggers backwards several steps. He winces again.

Arancaytar: And her too!

Spawner lunges at Arancaytar again. Arancaytar parries again and stumbles back several more steps. He slams against the mirror. Spawner gasps in shock as Arancaytar falls through the looking glass with one final yell.

Arancaytar: Not another Alice in Wonderland reference!

Arancaytar vanishes. His shaped blade clatters to the floor. Spawner stares at the mirror, which now only shows Spawner's reflection, for a moment. Then Spawner puts its dagger away and snaps its fingers. Light shimmers around it. When the light fades away, Spawner has assumed Arancaytar's appearance. It admires itself in the mirror for a moment. The disguise isn't good enough for a close inspection, but it will hold up against casual glances.

Spawncaytar: I love special abilities.

Spawncaytar bends down and picks up the shaped blade and key. It sheathes the blade and tucks the key into its pocket. Nikki runs in.

Nikki: Aran! It's so horrible! First, the newbs and lurkers rose up and revolted! They killed Croikle and ran off to join the noob army! Then the noobs killed Sherbiebaby! First Nicothodes and then Sherbiebaby! Everyone that I secretly love is getting killed off in this war!

Nikki sobs. Spawncaytar turns around to face him.

Spawncaytar: And? Why are you here?

Nikki: To declare my undying love to you, Arancaytar, my crazy kitten!

Nikki gives Spawncaytar a huge hug. Spawncaytar looks revolted and disturbed, but Nikki doesn't notice.

Nikki: Would you like me to sing you a song?

Spawncaytar reaches for its dagger while making sure that Nikki is distracted.

Spawncaytar: That sounds nice. Why...

Spawncaytar draws the dagger.

Spawncaytar: ...not!

Spawncaytar stabs Nikki. Nikki staggers back, looking hurt in more ways than one.

Nikki: But... but... I didn't even get a chance to sing my song. Why? Why must it all end like this?

Nikki dies. Spawncaytar leaves his body in the middle of the floor and exits the forum quickly. A moment later, it enters again, grabs the rattling box, and exits once more.

Scene 3: Moderator Board

Scene 3: Moderator Board Dikiyoba Mon, 03/26/2007 - 04:50
*i and Drakefyre sit around a table. Maps of all the forums are spread out on it. Notes, arrows, and circlings are scribbled all over them.

Drakefyre: ...and that's how we'll kill the ur-noob. What do you think?

*i: That idea actually sounds like it might work. Let's put it into action.

As Drakefyre and *i begin to stand up, Spawncaytar enters, still carrying the shaking box.

*i: Arancaytar. What are you doing here? What's in the box?

Spawncaytar: I've found something that will help against the ur-noob.

Spawncaytar walks towards Drakefyre and *i. Drakefyre looks at the box critically.

Drakefyre: I don't see how... wait! You're not Aran!

Drakefyre lunges towards Spawncaytar. Spawncaytar hurls the box at him and flees. Spawncaytar exits just as the box slams into the table. The box explodes. The table, maps, and every other thing in the forum is obliterated in the blast. Drakefyre and *i stand no chance of surviving. Their bodies are thrown against a wall. After the explosion, there is an eerie silence, only broken by the creaks and groans of the damaged supports and the growling of a very angry fluffy turtle. The very angry fluffy turtle, finding absolutely no one to take its anger out on, exits.

Scene 4: Tech Support Forum

Scene 4: Tech Support Forum Dikiyoba Mon, 03/26/2007 - 04:52
Just before the explosion in the moderator board, the Tech Support forum is completely empty. Suddenly, Arancaytar falls through the mirror into the forum. He stands up and brushes himself off. He freezes at the sight of Nikki's body. After a moment, he walks closer to see if Nikki is really dead. Slartucker runs in and sees Arancaytar just a foot away from Nikki's body.

Slartucker: Nikki, don't go running off like... Aran! How could you!

Arancaytar looks bewildered.

Arancaytar: I didn't do anything. I found him like this!

Slartucker pulls out his thorn baton and points it at Arancaytar.

Slartucker: Oh really? Then who killed him?

Arancaytar takes a step away from Slartucker and holds up his hands to show that he is unarmed.

Arancaytar: It must have been the noob.

Slartucker: What noob?

Arancaytar: The noob who pushed me into the mirror! I fell through and only just got back!

Slartucker: Are you crazy? It's just a mirror!

Arancaytar: No, it's not. Look, I'll show you.

Arancaytar touches the mirror with one hand hesitantly. Nothing happens. Arancaytar puts both hands on the mirror and pushes against it as hard as he can. The mirror remains solid.

Slartucker: It's an ordinary mirror, Arancaytar.

Arancaytar: It is now, but there really was a noob, it really did attack me, and I really did fall through the mirror! You must believe me, Slarty!

Slartucker keeps the baton pointed at Arancaytar.

Slartucker: Right. I think you've completely lost your mind. Come with me. I'll take you to Ephesos and he can cast unshackle mind on you.

Arancaytar: No! The noob is around here somewhere! We must find it before...

The whole forum shakes as the box explodes in the moderator board. Slartucker and Arancaytar are thrown to the ground.

Slartucker: What was that?

Arancaytar: No! *i and Drakefyre just died!

Slartucker stares at Arancaytar in disbelief. The Announcements Forum, Tech Support Forum, and General Forum all drop straight down as the final supports in the moderator board give away. Arancaytar and Slartucker cover their heads and yell as the forum falls. After the forum stabilizes, Arancaytar and Slartucker get up shakily.

Arancaytar: I... I told you. I told you that...

Slartucker: Not another word. Let's just...

There is an angry snarl. Arancaytar and Slartucker look over to see that the very angry fluffy turtle has entered the forum without them noticing. It charges them quickly. Or at least, it charges them quickly for a turtle. Slartucker and Arancaytar step aside.

Arancaytar: What should we do?

Slartucker stands in front of the mirror.

Slartucker: You did say that you fell through this mirror, right?

Arancaytar nods.

Slartucker: Good. Come and get me, fluffy!

The very angry fluffy turtle rushes at Slartucker. Slartucker steps aside at the last moment. The very angry fluffy turtle falls through the mirror. Slartucker picks up a stool and hits the mirror with it. The mirror shatters.

Slartucker: It won't be back. Now, let's go find the noob.

Slartucker and Arancaytar exit.

Scene 5: Geneforge Forum

Scene 5: Geneforge Forum Dikiyoba Mon, 03/26/2007 - 06:08
The battle still rages and the rain still falls in the Geneforge Forum. The outlook looks poor for the forty or so Spiderwebbers still fighting a few hundred noobs. The noobs have pushed the Spiderwebbers away from the pools and from the pillar. Several noobs attack the pillar until it crumbles. Lazarus wipes rainwater out of his eyes.

Lazarus: We can't keep this up much longer. When do you think the mods will call the retreat?

Kingy shrugs and fires his thorn baton.

Kingy: As long as there are spare thorns left, I guess.

FBM: I don't think there are any thorns left.

Lazarus: Oh great. Well, this is useless now.

Lazarus tosses aside his thorn baton and picks up a stick. He begins wacking the noobs with the stick. Delicious Vlish casts terror on more noobs and then turns at a noise. He sees three figures enter the forum. Slartucker and Arancaytar are chasing Spawner and yelling for help. Delicious Vlish casts terror on more noobs and then hurries over to help Slartucker and Arancaytar. Spawner ducks as Slartucker shoots another thorn at it.

Spawner: Ha! That's six thorns! You're out of ammo now!

Spawner halts and draws the shaped blade. Slartucker reaches for more thorns, only to discover that he is out. As Spawner advances on them, Delicious Vlish approaches. He slaps Spawner across the face with a tentacle. Spawner falls to the ground, dead. Arancaytar picks up the shaped blade.

Slartucker: Thanks, Vlish. How is the battle going?

Delicious Vlish: Badly.

Delicious Vlish, Arancaytar, and Slartucker run back and rejoin the battle.

Khoth: We're being overwhelmed, Vlish. Do we call the retreat?

Delicious Vlish: No. We'll only be in the same position in the Avernum 4 Forum that we are in now if we retreat with the noobs on us.

There is a horrible cry from Archmage Alex as he is brought down by several noobs. Dikiyoba tries to fight towards him, but is cut off by all the noobs.

Archmage Alex: One cold night, you shall regret the disrepect you have shown me, noobs. In the meantime, I shall dream of nachos and shrunken pheasants.

Archmage Alex dies. Wonko the Sane finds himself cut off from the rest of the Spiderwebbers. He casts daze on the group of noobs blocking his path and runs back towards the Spiderwebbers. Unfortunately, he slips and falls in the mud. Five noobs jump on him before he can rise and quickly kill him.

The Almighty Do-er of Stuff: What do we do now? We've just lost two more members.

Delicious Vlish casts terror again. Suddenly, a noob sinks its teeth into one of Delicious Vlish's tentacles. Delicious Vlish shrieks in pain and anger and throws the noob off. However, many of the other noobs see how effective it was and bite Delicious Vlish as hard as they can. Delicious Vlish shrieks again, infuriated. It sends a blast of mental energy through everyone nearby. Noobs and Spiderwebbers fall back, stunned. With a howl, Delicious Vlish hurls himself into the noob army, tentacles flailing everywhere.

Delicious Vlish: Silly noobs! I'll kill you all! I'll kill you all!

Arancaytar: Wait! What are you doing, Vlish?

Saunders: I think he's gone rogue.

Khoth: This is our chance to retreat. The noobs have fallen back for the moment.

Slartucker: But Delicious Vlish will die if he doesn't get out of there soon. Look, he's already been injured twice more.

Kelandon: Delicious Vlish! Get out of their!

Delicious Vlish throws himself further into the noob army. He shrieks again and slaps noobs left and right.

Slartucker: He's completely out of control!

Khoth: Retreat! Retreat! Retreat to the Avernum 4 Forum!

The Spiderwebbers turn and run while the noobs are occupied with trying to bring down Delicious Vlish. Soon, everyone has exited except for Ephesos, Dikiyoba, and Slartucker.

Ephesos: I can't leave while he's still alive.

Slartucker: Neither can I. Delicious Vlish! Retreat! Delicious Vlish!

Dikiyoba: Dikiyoba doesn't think that he can hear you, Slartucker.

Slartucker: I know. But we can't run in and pull him out. There's just too many noobs. Can't you heal him or cast unshackle mind on him, Ephesos?

Ephesos: No, he's out of range. And there's no way for me to get closer without having the noobs attack me.

Delicious Vlish disappears suddenly under a group of noobs. Delicious Vlish gives a final cry that the three remaining Spiderwebbers think rather than hear. Delicious Vlish dies. Ephesos, Dikiyoba, and Slartucker exit as the noobs surge forward. The ur-noob enters unexpectedly, leading the remaining undead newbs and all the undead lurkers.

Ur-noob: HALT!

The noobs falter and stop.


None of the noobs answer. The ur-noob looks around until it sees Spawner's body.


The ur-noob pauses to eat the body of Delicious Vlish.


Laughing madly, the ur-noob exits at the head of the undead army into the Averum 4 Forum.

Act 10

Act 10 Dikiyoba Mon, 03/26/2007 - 06:19
The situation is desperate...

Scene 1: Avernum 4 Forum

Scene 1: Avernum 4 Forum Dikiyoba Mon, 03/26/2007 - 06:46
The Spiderwebbers enter the forum, expecting the noobs to be directly behind them. Ephesos, Slartucker, and Dikiyoba are the last in.

Ephesos: Delicious Vlish is dead.

Arancaytar: I know. I already put him on the list.

Infernal666hate marches up to Zeviz.

Infernal666hate: Here, Zeviz. You can have Demonslayer. I'm using a stick for this battle.

Zeviz takes Demonslayer.

Zeviz: Thanks, Infernal.

Rent-an-Ihrno: This forum is very dark.

Hawk King: All the better for catching the noobs by surprise.

Rent-an-Ihrno: Yes, but they can also catch us by surprise. And it makes it difficult see what we are shooting at.

Wise Man: But on the plus side, our arrows are unlimited.

Silver: I have some maps of the forum. There's a level above and below this one. We should take advantage of that. The exit to the next forum is in the upper level.

Silver passes out maps to everyone. Kelandon takes one and looks at it.

Kelandon: This should be very useful. Me and Imban will...

There is a hideous shriek that sends the Spiderwebbers into mass hysteria. The ur-noob enters the forums at the head of the undead.


The ur-noob's speech is interupted by a sneeze.


The ur-noob charges forward. All of the Spiderwebber's courage and strategies go straight to the Abyss. They scatter in all directions. Sir David, Zeviz, and Infernal666hate all dodge up the nearest staircase. Seeing this, the ur-noob halts and creates a magic barrier around it, forcing Lazarus and Kingy to run to the next one. Ephesos, Inthrall, and Randomizer dart down a side passage. The ur-noob attempts to block off every staircase and side passage, but the Spiderwebbers find new ones as quickly as the old ones are blocked off. Slartucker and Arancaytar climb down a staircase just as the ur-noob blockades it. Desert Pl@h and FBM run into another side passage. The ur-noob looks at the size of the staircases and side tunnels.


The ur-noob waves a claw and all the barriers vanish. The undead pour into the side tunnels and up and down the staircases.


In the upper level, Sir David, Kelandon, and the other Spiderwebbers have their bows aimed at the staircases. When the first undead come through, the Spiderwebbers have an easy time shooting them. On the main level, Ephesos, Inthrall, and Randomizer are completely lost in the side passages.

Inthrall: Maybe we should look at the map?

Ephesos: I can't even see the map, let alone be able to read it.

Inthrall: There must be some way to get light. Any ideas, Randomizer?

Randomizer: I don't know a light spell! Wait...who's that?

Inthrall readies his bow as the three of them listen to someone ahead of them. Suddenly, a small fire takes off and lights up the area. Pyro is crouching next to the fire, adding a few more twigs.

Pyro: You wanted light, right?

Ephesos: Yes. Now, let's see the map.

Ephesos pulls out his copy of the map and looks at it for a while. Then he throws it away in disgust.

Inthrall: Well?

Ephesos: We've run through too many passages. This place has more passages than the Honeycomb. I still have no idea where we are. Actually, we could be in the Honeycomb, for all I know.

Randomizer: Someone else is coming.

The undead have finally caught up with the small group. The four Spiderwebbers quickly put the fire between them and the undead. Inthrall and Pyro fire at the undead with their arrows. Ephesos casts repel spirit and Randomizer casts bolt of fire.

Randomizer: You know, using bolt of fire costs less energy and is equally efficient.

Ephesos: Yes, but I'm a priest, not a mage. Besides, I was killing eight undead at a time in the Avernum Trilogy Forum with repel spirit. You were only killing them one at a time.

For a while, the four of them hold the undead off. Then undead come pouring out of another side passage. The four of them are forced to abandon the fire. Inthrall and Pyro flee through one passage. Ephesos and Randomizer flee through another. On the bottom level, Arancaytar and Slartucker are being chased by undead. They pause to fire arrows back at the undead. Or at least, they fire arrows back at where they think the undead are, since it too dark to actually see them. Back on the top level, the undead finally find a staircase that isn't covered by archers. The Spiderwebbers are forced to retreat. Most turn and run for the exit. However, some take a wrong turn in the dark, twisting passages and get lost. Zeviz is one such member. After realizing his mistake, he turns to go back, only to find his path barred by undead. He casts bolt of fire several times and then runs off again. Not too far away, Wise Man and Lazarus are also lost and cut off by noobs. They pause to shoot in the direction of the undead and then run around the corner. Zeviz mistakes their approach for the approach of more undead and casts bolt of fire. The bolt illuminates the scene briefly as it hits Wise Man.

Zeviz: Oops.

Unfortunately, Wise Man release his bow, still loaded with an arrow. The arrow flies and hits Zeviz. Wise Man and Zeviz both die. Lazarus looks at the bodies and then looks down both passages. He can hear the undead coming from both sides. Just before the undead round the corners, he falls flat and plays dead. He stays perfectly still as an undead trips over him. He stays perfectly still as the undead snarl and growl. He barely manages to stay still as the undead pick him and the bodies of Wise Man and Zeviz up and carry them off. On the main level, Pyro and Inthrall have a pack of undead right on them as they run down a tunnel. Suddenly, they run straight into solid rock. Pyro feels around for another passage while Inthrall holds the undead off with his sword.

Pyro: Please tell me there is a secret passage here somewhere!

Inthrall has the sword clawed from his hand. He puts all the charm and charisma he can into one last attempt to get the undead to back off.

Inthrall: Halt! Stay ba... yaaah!

The undead take no notice and hurl themselves on him and Pyro. When they are both dead, the undead pick up their bodies and carry them back to the ur-noob. They arrive at about the same time that other undead arrive with Lazarus and the bodies of Zeviz and Wise Man. The ur-noob hardly notices; its attention in focused on a small side tunnel. It can clearly see something with its superb vision. Once the undead depart, Lazarus begins to crawl away as quietly as possible. The ur-noob doesn't notice. Its attention is still on the passage. Ephesos and Randomizer come running out of the tunnel.

Randomizer: Wait! We're back in the main cave. That means...

Randomizer yells as the ur-noob snaps him up and bites him in half with its mighty jaws. Ephesos is knocked to the ground. He scrambles up as the ur-noob swallows. The ur-noob picks him up between with two claws.

Ephesos: Divine retribution!

As he yells, he points at the ur-noob and puts all his spell energy into the spell. A cloud of fire hits the ur-noob in the face. The ur-noob laughs and drops Ephesos into its mouth. Then the ur-noob spits him out.


The ur-noob spits again to rid itself of the taste. Ephesos manages to get back up and run for the nearest side passage. Before he can reach it, he steps into a pit and falls to the bottom, where he lapses into unconsciousness. The ur-noob reaches a claw down in after him, but the pit narrows before the ur-noob can reach him. The ur-noob attempts to pull its hand out, only to discover that its hand is stuck. As the ur-noob alternately attempts to wrench its hand free and grab Ephesos, it shrieks at the undead.


In the confusion, Lazarus hops up and runs off without anyone noticing. The undead obey the ur-noobs commands and rush down to the lower level any way they can. On the lower level, Arancaytar and Slartucker have finally managed to throw the undead following them off their trail. They halt suddenly.

Arancaytar: (Whispers.) What's that ahead?

Slartucker: (Whispers.) It's hard to tell, but it looks like the ur-noob's hand. What's it trying to reach for?

Arancaytar: (Whispers.) I'll find out.

Arancaytar ducks low and walks forward. Slartucker follows after a moment.

Arancaytar: (Whispers.) It's Ephesos.

Slartucker: (Whispers.) Is he dead?

Arancaytar: (Whispers.) No, he's still alive. Just unconscious. Help me carry him.

Slartucker: (Whispers.) Yuck. He's covered in something slimy.

Slartucker and Arancaytar carry Ephesos away from the ur-noob. Suddenly, they hear more undead coming towards them.

Arancaytar: Now what do we do?

Slartucker: There's an opening over there.

Arancaytar and Slartucker, still carrying Ephesos, duck into the opening, which turns out to be only a small cave.

Slartucker: (Whispers.) Wait! There's someone already in here!

Dikiyoba: Dikiyoba says hello.

Arancaytar: Shh! The undead will hear us!

The undead miss the cave entrance and mill about in the main passage. Slartucker, Arancaytar, and Dikiyoba wait anxiously, hardly daring to breathe. Suddenly, a loud, high-pitched voice breaks the silence.

GIFTS: Hi! You're cute!

Scene 2: Tech Support Forum

Scene 2: Tech Support Forum Dikiyoba Mon, 03/26/2007 - 07:11
Without the Moderator Boards and with the Announcements Forum the next forum to be attacked, the surviving moderators are meeting in the Tech Support Forum.

Saunders: Has anyone seen Arancaytar?

Imban: He's still in the Avernum 4 Forum.

Kelandon: Theirs nothing we can do to help him or anyone else stuck in the Avernum 4 Forum. We have to defend the remaining forums now.

Saunders: In the General Forum, there are plenty of cans of spam. They would make good projectiles. And, if worst comes to worst, we can release the fluffy turtles.

Khoth: I don't see how we could even defend the Announcements Forum. Without an administrator, there's nothing we can do in it.

Imban: We could always put copies of the Code of Conduct everywhere.

Khoth: How will that help?

Imban: The Code of Conduct always trips noobs up.

Kelandon: Yes, and than I can ban them.

Saunders: You can't ban anyone!

Kelandon: I've been able to do it ever since Drakefyre gave me my new custom title. Me and Khoth will go prepare the Announcements Forum.

Khoth and Kelandon exit.

Saunders: I guess that means we're in charge of the General Forum?

Imban: Yes. The Tech Support Forum will have to take care of itself.

Imban and Saunders exit.

Scene 3: Avernum 4 Forum

Scene 3: Avernum 4 Forum Dikiyoba Mon, 03/26/2007 - 08:08
The GIFTS' voice echos through the cave and into the passages beyond.

Slartucker: Great! Now we're all going to die!

Arancaytar and Slartucker ready their bows. However, the undead seem confused by the echos and haven't found the cave entrance yet.

GIFTS: We're not going to die, silly!

Arancaytar fires at the first undead to discover the cave.

Arancaytar: How do you think will we escape?

GIFTS: There's a secret passage, silly! Follow me!

There is a scrabbling noise as the GIFTS runs over to the far corner of the cave and disappears. Slartucker and Arancaytar fire again. Dikiyoba drags Ephesos over to the corner of the cave and looks around.

Dikiyoba: Dikiyoba thinks this secret passage is very small. Dikiyoba will have to crawl through it.

Slartucker: Hurry up and do so!

Slartucker shoots another undead. Dikiyoba crawls through a small, very short tunnel that opens into a much larger cave. Then Dikiyoba pulls Ephesos through. Arancaytar and Slartucker fire again. Arancaytar ducks into the secret tunnel. Slartucker fires again and crawls into the tunnel as well. He is about halfway into the large cave when undead claws grab his leg and start to pull him back.

Slartucker: No!

Dikiyoba grabs Slartucker's wrists and pulls back. Slartucker kicks at the undead grabbing him until another undead grabs into his other foot. Slartucker is pulled further back into the tunnel. Arancaytar grabs Slartucker as well. Slartucker panics.

Slartucker: Don't let me go!

In the small cave, a third undead grabs Slartucker's feet. It lets go as it is enveloped in sticky, suffocating webbing. The other two undead grabbing Slartucker suffer similar fates. In the large cave, Arancaytar and Dikiyoba pull Slartucker to safety. After a moment, he regains some of his composure.

Slartucker: Thanks for saving me. Now wake Ephesos up somehow. Look at what the undead claws did to me!

Arancaytar pulls out his bow and shoots an undead crawling through the tunnel. The GIFTS crawls back in through a secret passage near the ceiling and drops to the ground. In the slightly brighter light of the lair, the GIFTS is revealed to be only knee-high. It looks at Slartucker.

GIFTS: Hi! You're cute!

Slartucker: Will you just shut up?

The GIFTS thinks for a moment.

GIFTS: Did you know that you're cute?

Slartucker: Gah!

Arancaytar: Could I get some help here?

Arancaytar shoots another undead attempting to get in.

GIFTS: Of course, silly!

The GIFTS runs over to the passage and sprays a wad of impenetrable, gooey web over the entrance. Arancaytar puts away his bow.

Arancaytar: That's a relief.

GIFTS: You're so cute!

Dikiyoba reaches into Dikiyoba's inventory and pulls out a potion. Dikiyoba hands it to Slartucker.

Dikiyoba: This is Dikiyoba's last potion.

The GIFTS runs over.

GIFTS: You're cute!

Dikiyoba looks annoyed, but not nearly as annoyed as Slartucker.

Slartucker: This had better be a poison potion so that I don't have to put up with the GIFTS any longer.

Dikiyoba: No, it's a healing potion. At least Dikiyoba thinks it is a healing potion.

Slartucker drinks the healing potion. His cuts heal. Suddenly, Ephesos groans and sits up.

Ephesos: What's going on? Where am I?

GIFTS: Hi! You're cute!

Ephesos: Oh no! Are you what I think you are?

GIFTS: I am a Giant Intelligent Friendly Talking Spider! My name is Spider! Say, did you know that you are cute?

Ephesos: Somehow, I expected GIFTS to be somewhat larger.

GIFTS: We look larger in the games than we really are, silly.

Arancaytar: Now what do we do?

GIFTS: Are you looking for a mate? Because I am.

Arancaytar: You stay away from me.

Slartucker: Is there any other way out of this cave?

GIFTS: Sure! Follow me!

The GIFTS starts to scuttle through the cave. Slartucker, Arancaytar, Dikiyoba, and Ephesos follow. Suddenly, another GIFTS drops down from the ceiling.

GIFTS: You're cute!

Other GIFTS come out and surround the four Spiderwebbers. There must be close to a hundred of them. They all start talking in high-pitched voices. Slartucker covers his ears.

Slartucker: We're stuck in a cave with GIFTS. Could it get any worse?

On the main level, the ur-noob finally manages to pull its hand free. It looks at the passage below but sees nothing but undead below.


The multitudes of undead below shrug as one.


Then the ur-noob pauses. It hears something. It puts its head close to the ground and listens carefully. It can hear many high-pitched voices and occasionally the more normal tones of a Spiderwebber. The ur-noob grins wickedly. Then it starts stomping on the ground. In the GIFTS cave, Dikiyoba looks up as the cave starts to shake and rocks dislodge from the ceiling.

Dikiyoba: Dikiyoba has a bad feeling about this...

Arancaytar: What's going on?

Ephesos: A cave quake?

The GIFTS flee in terror. They all flee in one direction, however. The four Spiderwebbers dodge aside as a chunk of ceiling collapses.

Slartucker: What will we do?

Dikiyoba: Dikiyoba thinks we should follow the GIFTS.

Arancaytar: I hate to admit it, but it's probably the best option we have.

The four Spiderwebbers run after the GIFTS. The GIFTS are all climbing up a narrow, nearly vertical escape tunnel.

Ephesos: It looks very narrow.

Another huge piece of ceiling collapses.

Arancaytar: We'll fit.

Arancaytar starts climbing. Dikiyoba follows, and then Slartucker and Ephesos. Shortly afterward, the whole ceiling of the cave collapses. The ur-noob smiles even more broadly as it looks at the rubble.


The ur-noob then turns its attention to the ceiling. Using its hands and its fiery breath, it forms a hole large enough for it to crawl through. The ur-noob pulls itself up into the upper level of the forum. Lazarus is watching the huge group of undead blocking the forum's exit. He whirls around and pulls out his sword as he hears someone approaching.

Lazarus: Wha... oh. It's you. Hello, Infernal.

Infernal666hate: It's good to see someone else still alive. Wait... is that Demonslayer?

Lazarus: Yeah. I took it off of Zeviz's body.

Infernal666hate raises her stick.

Infernal666hate: We need to get out of here. Now. Before we are killed as well. So, should we just run in and start killing the undead and hope we make it through?

Lazarus: I was actually thinking about pretending to be undead.

Somewhere behind them, the ur-noob shrieks. Lazarus and Infernal666hate panic and run straight into the undead. The undead immediately attack. Lazarus and Infernal666hate stab at the undead with their weapons. Infernal666hate finally falls to the ground.

Infernal666hate: Oh, hell.

Infernal666hate dies. Lazarus collapses and dies soon afterward. The undead continue to claw him though, just in case he isn't really dead. The ur-noob enters the cave.


The ur-noob eats both bodies and steps towards the exit. There is a sudden snapping sound. The ur-noob lifts its foot to reveal Demonslayer, broken into three pieces. The ur-noob shrugs and exits. All the undead follow. Arancaytar, Dikiyoba, Slartucker, and Ephesos are still crawling up the tunnel. Suddenly, Arancaytar winces.

Arancaytar: Infernal666hate and Lazarus just died.

Arancaytar misses his next step and slips. He slides backwards, only stopping when his foot finds support against Dikiyoba's head.

Dikiyoba: You're hurting Dikiyoba!

Arancaytar: Sorry.

Arancaytar regains his balance and continues to climb up. Occasionally, the four Spiderwebbers can hear a high-pitched echo from above them.

Scene 4: Announcements Forum

Scene 4: Announcements Forum Dikiyoba Tue, 03/27/2007 - 06:41
Kelandon and Khoth are scattering copies of the Code of Conduct everywhere. The first undead enter the forum. Many of them trip over the Code of Conduct. Kelandon points at the ones who trip, and they vanish in a puff of smoke.

Khoth: I can't believe that this actually works.

Kelandon continues to ban the undead.

Kelandon: Of course it works. Its faster than killing them and works just as well, since theirs no one who would unban them.

Kelandon bans more undead as he speaks. Suddenly, there is a horrible growl.

Khoth: That's the ur-noob.

Kelandon: Let's get out of here. Now.

Kelandon and Khoth exit just as the ur-noob enters.


The ur-noob sees one of the undead trip over a copy of the Code of Conduct.


The undead get out of the way. The ur-noob breathes fire on the copies. They all go up in flames. The ur-noob laughs wildly.


The chosen undead exits the forum. The ur-noob throws back its head and laughs again. Suddenly, it stops and shakes his head, as if trying to clear it. It doubles up and sneezes four times in quick succession. The undead look confused. The ur-noob straightens back up.


The undead who exited returns leading all the surviving members of the noob army into the Announcements Forum.

Ur-noob: LET'S GO!

The ur-noob leads the charge into the next forum.

Scene 5: General Forum

Scene 5: General Forum Dikiyoba Tue, 03/27/2007 - 06:45
Saunders and Imban are in the General Forum.

Saunders: How many Spiderwebbers are left?

Imban: Twenty-two, if Kelandon and Khoth make it back.

Suddenly, Mysterious Man appears.

Saunders: How did you get here?

Mysterious Man: The quirks of UBB. This is probably the worst time to come back, isn't it?

Saunders: Just about.

Imban: Twenty-three.

Underneath the forum, Arancaytar, Dikiyoba, Slartucker, and Ephesos are still climbing.

Slartucker: Where do you suppose we are now?

Arancaytar: I don't know, but I'm starting to feel... fluffy.

Ephesos: Fluffy?

Arancaytar: Yes. Now I know where we are... we're climbing into the fluffy turtle pit.

Slartucker: First GIFTS, now fluffy turtles.

Arancaytar climbs out of the tunnel and into the fluffy turtle pit. The fluffy turtles are standing around the edges of the pit. The GIFTS all stand clustered around the tunnel. Dikiyoba climbs out of the hole and notices how agitated the turtles look.

Dikiyoba: Dikiyoba wants to know if the fluffy turtles are dangerous.

GIFTS: They've never attacked any of us, silly!

Slartucker climbs out of the tunnel as well.

Slartucker: (Mutters.) That's because you're all completely insane.

GIFTS: That's so cute of you to say!

Ephesos climbs out of the tunnel and looks up. There is a trapdoor, but it's several feet too high for the Spiderwebbers to reach.

Ephesos: The trapdoor is up there. If we can reach it, we'll be in the General Forum.

One of the GIFTS comes forward.

GIFTS: Wait! As Chief Spider, I say you can't leave, silly!

Arancaytar: Why not?

Chief Spider: Because we haven't had anyone to talk to for a really long time. And you're cute!

Slartucker: No! I refuse to stay here!

Arancaytar stares up at the trapdoor for a long time.

Arancaytar: The ur-noob will surely attack the General Forum soon. Chief Spider, would you and your spiders fight against the ur-noob?

Chief Spider: Is the ur-noob cute?

Arancaytar: No. It's... um... really large and mean and nasty. And the ur-noob is killing all the Spiderwebbers.

Chief Spider looks horrified. The fluffy turtles shuffle in the background.

Chief Spider: It's killing all the cute humans? We must do something. Right, Spider? And Spider?

There is a chorus of yeses from the GIFTS.

Arancaytar: Okay. So. Let us go through the trapdoor. When we need you, we'll call you. Okay?

Chief Spider: Okay! You're so smart and so cute! Are you looking for a mate?

Arancaytar: No!

Slartucker: But we still need a way to reach the trapdoor.

On the surface of the forum, Kelandon and Khoth enter.

Khoth: Well, the ur-noob and the noob army are in the Announcements Forum. It won't be long before they reach the General Forum now.

Saunders: It doesn't seem right to give up the Tech Support Forum without a fight.

Kelandon: How would you defend it?

Saunders: There's always the fluffy turtles.

The Almighty Do-er of Stuff: Great idea!

The Almighty Do-er of Stuff runs over to the trapdoor and opens it.

The Almighty Do-er of Stuff: Inspector Pea... Aran! Slartucker! Ephesos! Dikiyoba! What are you doing in there?

Imban: Twenty-seven.

Arancaytar: We had to get out of the Avernum 4 Forum somehow. Could you throw down a rope to help us out?

Saunders: No, but I can do better. There's a secret staircase.

Slartucker: Why is there a staircase?

Saunders: You don't expect fluffy turtles to climb ropes, do you?

Saunders pushes a button and a staircase appears. Arancaytar, Dikiyoba, Slartucker, and Ephesos climb out of the fluffy turtle pit.

Chief Spider: Now?

Arancaytar: No, not yet.

The Almighty Do-er of Stuff: Inspector Peanut! Come up!

The largest of the fluffy turtles climbs up the stairs slowly. The lord of the fluffy turtles stares at the gathered Spiderwebbers with all the wisdom and dignity of one who has eaten many times its weight in sanity. Many Spiderwebbers watch it anxiously.

The Ripper: It's not dangerous, is it?

Saunders: Not if you've donated the proper amount of sanity to the turtle pit. Unfortunately for the noobs, they haven't.

The Almighty Do-er of Stuff: The fluffy turtles will give the ur-noob something to think about.

The rest of the fluffy turtles shuffle up the stairs. Saunders, the Almighty Do-er of Stuff, Inspector Peanut, and the rest of the fluffy turtles exit.

Act 11

Act 11 Dikiyoba Tue, 03/27/2007 - 16:16
The epic conclusion...

Scene 1: Tech Support Forum

Scene 1: Tech Support Forum Dikiyoba Tue, 03/27/2007 - 16:18
Saunders and the Almighty Do-er of Stuff stand close to the exit to the General Forum. The fluffy turtles are hidden under the beds, in the cupboards, and just about everywhere else. Only a single baby fluffy turtle is out in the open. It tries to nibble on Saunder's foot, only to be startled off every time that Saunders or the Almighty Do-er of Stuff move. The ur-noob enters the forum. It draws itself up to its full height, spreads its wings wide, and promptly hits its head on the low forum header.


As the ur-noob speaks, the noob army enters the forum. Saunders and the Almighty Do-er of Stuff shift nervously, causing the baby fluffy turtle to run away again.

Ur-noob: WHAT IS THAT?

Almighty Do-er of Stuff: It's a baby fluffy turtle.

Saunders: You forgot to leave your sanity at the door.

The fluffy turtles dash out of their hiding places and attack the noobs. It's not a particularily fast dash, but it's surprisingly speedy for turtles. Inspector Peanut bites the first noob and begins eating his sanity. Soon, the entire forum has turned into a fluffy feeding frenzy. Even the baby fluffy turtle rushes in and begins killing noobs. For a moment, the ur-noob looks worried.


The ur-noob suddenly breaks into a sneezing and coughing fit. Almighty Do-er of Stuff and Saunders watch the ur-noob carefully. The ur-noob's scales are cracked and starting to peel off. It glows strongly but somehow the glow seems unstable. But when the ur-noob recovers from its fit, it sniffs and glares at the two of them with red-tinted, vengeful eyes.

Ur-noob: I'LL KI...

The ur-noob breaks off and starts coughing and sneezing again.

Almighty Do-er of Stuff: It's weakening! We may be able to kill it after all!

Inspector Peanut kills a 1337 h4x0r and begins eating its sanity as well. The ur-noob finally recovers enough to charge forward. It breathes fire at the fluffy turtles, catching many of them on fire. It incinerates many noobs as well. As the fluffy turtles rush about, they bump into each other, catching other fluffy turtles on fire as well. Inspector Peanut steps forward and bites the ur-noob on the foot. Hard. The ur-noob screeches and stomps on Inspector Peanut, cracking its shell.

Almighty Do-er of Stuff: No! Inspector Peanut!

The Almighty Do-er of Stuff runs forward and kneels at Inspector Peanut's side.

Saunders: ADoS, no!

Inspector Peanut dies. The Almighty Do-er of Stuff looks shaken.

Almighty Do-er of Stuff: No... Inspector Peanut... you can't be dead.

Saunders: Look out!

The ur-noob's foot comes down on the Almighty Do-er of Stuff as well. He dies. The ur-noob lunges towards Saunders. The rest of the fluffy turtles attack the ur-noob. Saunders exits. The ur-noob flails around for a while, trying to get the twenty or so fluffy turtles attacking off of it. Fluff and scales fly everywhere. Eventually, the ur-noob manages to overcome them all. Panting heavily, it looks around. Many noobs, undead, and 1337 h4x0rs were killed by the fluffy turtles. The ur-noob can't believe how small its army has become. However, the ur-noob is more concerned about itself.


The ur-noob casts a quick healing spell on itself. The cuts heal. However, the new skin looks oddly distorted. The ur-noob starts to cough again. After several minutes, it finally stops.


Scene 2: General Forum

Scene 2: General Forum Dikiyoba Tue, 03/27/2007 - 16:24
Saunders enters the forum.

Saunders: The fluffy turtles did a good job, but it wasn't good enough. The ur-noob will be here shortly.

Nobody bothers to ask where the Almighty Do-er of Stuff was. They had all seen Arancaytar adding to the stats. The Spiderwebbers grimly prepare for the final battle. Shortly afterwards, the ur-noob enters the forum. Despite looking distinctly ill and having a severely depleted army, it stands taller than ever before. It is now over twenty feet tall. All of the Spiderwebbers scatter to good hiding spots, except for Spy-there, who is paralyzed with fear and sudden realization.

Spy-there: You're... you're... you're Rentar-Blaze, the evil vahnatakon from Avernumforge 5 and 4/3!


The ur-noob stomps on Spy-there, crushing her beneath its foot. Spy-there dies.


The noob army rushes forward. Arancaytar opens the trapdoor to the fluffy turtle pit.

Chief Spider: You're cute!

Arancaytar: Attack now!

Chief Spider: Okay, silly!

The first of the GIFTS climb out of the pit. The noobs hack, claw, and stupidify the GIFTS. The GIFTS web and bite the noobs. As bad as the noob army was hit by the fluffy turtles in the Tech Support Forum, it is getting hit far worse by the GIFTS here. Of course, the GIFTS are getting slaughtered as well. One of them keels over and dies right next to Slartucker.

Slartucker: That's funny. I think this is the first death I don't feel guilty about in the slightest.

Many Spiderwebbers are throwing cans of spam at the noobs. dXs, however, is throwing Mahatma rice cakes. One of the cakes hits a 1337 h4x0r over the head and knocks it unconscious. A GIFTS bites the undead right next to it.

Ur-noob: WHAT!

The ur-noob promptly steps on it. The ur-noob squishes every GIFTS it can get a foot on. Smoke pours from its nostrils as it rants.


The ur-noob's foot crushes Desert Pl@h. He dies. Sir David avoids the ur-noob's foot and stabs a noob with his sword. Dikiyoba is trapped in a corner by three 1337 h4x0rs. Dikiyoba manages to kill the first one and the second one, but is struck by the third one's axe before Dikiyoba can bring it down.

Dikiyoba: Alas! Dikiyoba dies now.

Dikiyoba dies. Four or five undead attack and kill Archmagus Michael. As Ephesos turns to cast repel spirit on them, a pack of undead hurl themselves on upon him. Ephesos manages to cast repel spirit once before disappearing underneath the undead and their claws.

Ephesos: Nooooooooo! I refuse to die like this!

Ephesos attempts to cast repel spirit again. Halfway through the spell, undead claws sink into his stomach. He loses control of the spell. A blast of magical energy surges through the forum, killing every last undead. All thirty-six pages of Terror's Martyr's undead topic vanishes in a flash of light. But with no spell energy left to heal himself, Ephesos quickly loses consciousness and dies. A bolt of fire from Hawk King flies out of the shadows and catches several noobs on fire. The Ripper hurls a can of spam at a noob. Sir David stabs a 1337 h4x0r and ducks the low-flying can of spam. Zephyr Tempest isn't so lucky. He is knocked unconscious by the can. A 1337 h4x0r kills him. Sir David kills the 1337 h4x0r. The ur-noob kills Sir David. A can of spam bounces off the ur-noob's knee.


The ur-noob picks up the can and hurls it back. The can hits Kingy, killing him. Chief Spider is horrified.

Chief Spider: You're not cute! You're really mean and ugly!

Chief Spider runs toward the ur-noob and attempts to bite it. The ur-noob squishes it.


The silence that follows is only broken by a loud clunk as a can of spam thrown by FBM wipes out the last surviving noob. The ur-noob looks around.


At the sound of this, Kelandon jumps up, touching the lump on his head.

Kelandon: Hey! I remember again! That's the wrong form. It should be they're, not there.


The ur-noob lunges towards Kelandon and eats him. Another bolt of fire flies from the shadows and hits the ur-noob on the back. As the ur-noob whirls around, it is hit by about fifteen cans of spam. As it turns around again, it is hit by another bolt of fire.


The ur-noob growls and shrieks again. But this time, the Spiderwebbers don't collapse or run off. The ur-noob's power is fading. Another bolt of fire hits it in the back. The ur-noob whirls around and breathes fire into the shadows. Hawk King goes up in flames and dies. The ur-noob starts to laugh, only to end up coughing.

Shaun Waun: Look! It's weakening! We can bring it down!

Saunders: That's what the Almighty Do-er of Stuff said before he was killed.

The Ripper: But did the Almighty Do-er of Stuff have rope?

The Ripper pulls out many lengths of rope. The surviving Spiderwebbers take them and rush out while the ur-noob is coughing. The first rope lassos around the ur-noob's neck, choking it even worse. Other ropes are thrown around the ur-noobs arms and legs. As the ur-noob screeches and tries to break free, more ropes are thrown around it. The ur-noob bites through a rope holding its arm back. Enraged Slith rushes in and stabs the ur-noob with his slith spear, right on the damaged skin that had been injured earlier. The ur-noob howls as the spear punctures its skin. More ropes wrap around the ur-noob. One of the ropes tightens around the ur-noob's jaws. Finally, the ur-noob crashes to the floor. Shaun Waun and the Ripper rush forward.

The Ripper: We've got it now!

Slartucker looks at the ur-noob carefully and sees something he doesn't like. He immediately takes off.

Slartucker: Run!

The ur-noob suddenly lunges, breaking free of the ropes. It breaks the rope holding its mouth shut and breathes fire.

Shaun Waun: Oh dear.

The Ripper and Shaun Waun don't have a chance to get out of the way of the flames. They die. The other Spiderwebbers scatter. The ur-noob gets to its feet again.


The ur-noob reaches out and picks up Happa Tai Yattai.

Happa Tai Yattai: The toenails will have their revenge someday!

The ur-noob tosses Happa Tai Yattai into its mouth and swallows. Drew runs for the exit to the forum. He opens the door and slams right into the magical barrier. The ur-noob laughs.


dXs and Enraged Slith pop out of their hiding places to enable Drew to escape. dXs throws rice cakes at the ur-noob and Enraged Slith throws javelins. They attempt to return to their hiding places but the ur-noob is too fast for them. The ur-noob stomps on them both. They die. The whole forum is silent because the rest of the Spiderwebbers are hiding.


The surviving Spiderwebbers lurk in the shadows as best they can while the ur-noob looks around. Slartucker looks over and realizes that Arancaytar is hiding nearby. Then he realizes how faint the magical barrier has become.

Slartucker: (Whispers.) Aran. Is it just me, or is the barrier fading?

Arancaytar looks at the barrier.

Arancaytar: (Whispers.) I think it's fading. If we can't stay alive just a little bit longer, we might be able to escape.


Rent-an-Ihrno: Cowards! You're twenty feet tall. You brought a whole army to protect you! And yet you're calling us cowards?

Rent-an-Ihrno rushes out of his hiding place and points an accusing finger at the ur-noob.

Rent-an-Ihrno: Rentar-Blaze, you're the coward!

The ur-noob's foot comes down and squishes Rent-an-Ihrno. He dies. The ur-noob waits for a moment.


There is silence.


The ur-noob breaks into another coughing and sneezing fit. Slartucker watches the barriers flicker wildly. At times, the barrier is almost gone. The surviving Spiderwebbers have noticed it too. FBM inches closer towards the door. Khoth and Saunders leave their hiding place while the ur-noob is sneezing and try to cross the forum. However, the ur-noob sees them. It whirls around, coughs one last time, and lunges at them. Saunders ducks the ur-noob's teeth but Khoth isn't so lucky. The ur-noob eats him and then charges after Saunders. Saunders slips into a hiding place, only to be pushed out by Dareva.

Dareva: I'm already here.

Saunders tries to run somewhere else but the ur-noob catches up and eats her first. Then the ur-noob drags Dareva out of her hiding place and eats her as well. The barrier guarding the door flickers even lower.

Arancaytar: (Whispers.) Do you think we should run for it now?

Slartucker: (Whispers.) Not quite yet.

The ur-noob roars loudly. Arancaytar and Slartucker cover their ears.


FBM and Drew suddenly bolt for the door. The ur-noob sees them and chases after them. They make it to the barrier. The moment that they touch it, however, the barrier explodes, sending all its remaining energy through them and killing them. The ur-noob, seeing that the barrier is gone, waves a hand at the doorway, expecting the barrier to reappear. Nothing happens. The ur-noob growls angrily. It closes the door and sits down in front of it.


The ur-noob begins coughing again. Still, it keeps an eye on the exit back into the tech support forum and the fluffy turtle pit.

Slartucker: (Whispers.) Now what?

Arancaytar: (Whispers.) I don't know.

In another hiding spot, Silver pulls out a map of the general forum. Mysterious Man sees him.

Mysterious Man: What are you doing?

Silver: Searching for any possible secret tunnels.

Mysterious Man: There aren't going to be any secret tunnels in the General Forum. On second thought, UBB is strange...

The ur-noob stands up again and paces around the forum. It starts to look in all the obvious hiding places. Slartucker and Arancaytar hold their breaths as the ur-noob glances towards their hiding place. The ur-noob overlooks them and steps further away from the door. Slartucker and Arancaytar make a break for it. Imban, Mysterious Man, and Silver run for the door as well. The ur-noob whirls around, but Slartucker's hand is already turning the doorknob.

Slartucker: Yes! We're fr... ahhh! What are you doing here?

Ed is standing at the door. He positions himself so that he is blocking the exit.

Ed: I told you I'd be back when you least expected it!

Arancaytar: Ed, get out of the way. Now!

Ed: No.

The ur-noob's fist smashes into Arancaytar and Slartucker. They are thrown against the wall. Arancaytar dies upon impact. Slartucker is merely injured too badly to get up. Ed steps into the forum just in time to see Silver get squished by the ur-noob. Silver dies. Ed looks confused.

Ed: What's going on?

The ur-noob stomps on Mysterious Man as well. Mysterious Man dies. Imban dodges the next stomp.

Imban: Everyone's getting killed! What did you think was happening?

Ed stands in awe as the ur-noob finally manages to stomp on Imban as well. Imban dies. The ur-noob stares at Ed.


Ed: That's just rubbish! I'm not a noob!


The ur-noob's foot comes down and kills Ed as well. The ur-noob spreads its wings wide and laughs wildly.


Suddenly, the ur-noob sneezes violently. A small piece of metal flies from its nose. The ur-noob stoops down to examine it.


Suddenly, the ur-noob starts to shake violently. It sneezes again, even more violently than before.


The ur-noob sneezes again. It trembles worse than ever.

Ur-noob: I... I... THIS CAN'T BE! THIS... CAN'T...

The ur-noob casts every healing and curing spell it can think of on itself. The spells have no affect whatsoever. The ur-noob sneezes several more times. The ur-noob looks at the piece of reaperdisk again.


The ur-noob suddenly dies. It hits the floor with a mighty thud. Slartucker manages to pull himself into a sitting position, using the wall to hold himself up. He looks at the dead noobs, 1337 h4x0rs, undead, Spiderwebbers, and GIFTS laying all over the forum. Then looks at the dead ur-noob. Suddenly, he starts to laugh like a maniac.

Slartucker: It's over! It's finally all over! No more running and fighting and killing and dying! It's all over!

Slartucker dies.