Episode 2: Return of the Spiderwebbers

Episode 2: Return of the Spiderwebbers Dikiyoba Wed, 03/28/2007 - 06:47
The Spiderwebbers lost the war. And yet, there is still hope for the Spiderweb Software Message Boards. It may be possible to bring them all back. Unfortunately, the Spiderwebbers must also face another menacing foe in order to reclaim the boards...

Episode 2 was written between April 2006 and August 2006 after the thread leading to Periodic Table of Elements made reviving everyone possible. Sometimes, I felt that it suffered from having too many names to keep track of, despite having only a few more appearances than Episode 1.

Disclaimer: All characters and places are completely from the Spiderweb Software Message Boards. Any resemblance to fictional characters or places is completely coincidental. However, the events in this script are fictional and should not be taken as history or prophecy. They are here for entertainment purposes only.

Appearances

Appearances Dikiyoba Wed, 03/28/2007 - 18:14
All named members are listed here in alphabetical order with their element (if they have one).

Administrators: 2
Drakefyre-Nitrogen
*i-Radon

Moderators: 8
Alorael-Helium
Arancaytar-Osmium
Delicious Vlish-Antihelium
Imban-Hydrogen
Kelandon-Sodium
Khoth-Gallium
Saunders-Titanium
Schrodinger-Argon

Members: 71
Alec-Cesium
Archmage Alex-Krypton
Archmagus Micael-Radium
Ash Lael-Iron
BainIhrno-Chromium
Ben4808-Fluorine
Bomber
Croikle-Selenium
Dallerdin-Iridium
Dareva-Mercury
Demonslayer-Bohrium
Desert Pl@h-Zinc
Dikiyoba-Neon
Dintiradan-Bismuth
Dolphin
Drew-Americium
Enraged Slith-Einsteinium
Ephesos-Copper
Erika Maroonmark
Fatman-Calcium
FBM-Palladium
GoldenKing-Gold
Infernal666hate-Plutonium
Inthrall-Molybdenum
Jewels-Antimony
Jumpin' Salmon-Silver
Kingy-Beryllium
Lazarus-Lead
Lord Grimm-Iodine
Lord Llama
MagmaDragoon-Magnesium
Major
Marlenny-Chlorine
Meeshka
Mr. Bookworm
Mysterious Man-Boron
Nick Ringer
Nicothodes-Vanadium
Niemand-Niobium
Nikki-Nickel
Order Mage
Rakshasi-Antigallium
Randomizer-Phosphorus
Redstart-Zirconium
Robinator
Shaun Waun-Samarium
Silent Assassin-Astatine
Sir David-Barium
Slartucker-Aluminum
Smoo-Strontium
Snafta-Tin
Spring-Lithium
Spy-there-Platnium
Stew Boy-Cobalt
Student of Trinity-Antihydrogen
Stughalf
Terror's Martyr-Uranium
The Almighty Do-er of Stuff-Meitnerium
The Lurker-Lawrencium
Thralni-Potassium
Thuryl-Nobelium
Toenail-Cadmium
Tyranicus-Manganese
VCH
Wanderer-Curium
WKS
Wise Man-Silicon
Wonko the Sane-Ununquadium
Zephyr Tempest-Promethium
Zeviz-Hafnium
Zorro

Overall total: 81

Reviews

Reviews Dikiyoba Sat, 03/31/2007 - 07:22
What fans, critics, and the unsuspecting (mostly the unsuspecting, though they are beginning to catch on) have to say about Spiderweb: Return of the Spiderwebbers.

Xylgham udwlnit skretcko!1!! --Jumpin' Salmon

Priceless. --Arancaytar

...I find your lack of Legions of Terror disturbing. --Dintiradan

Dikiyoba: you are a talented writer. Really. --MagmaDragoon

This I gotta see. --Student of Trinity

Good was that. --Spring

Inspired insanity. --Mr. Bookworm

It's not a fun experience. The story... never ends. As a result, I am up for d[y]ing again. --Fatman

This cracks me up... fanfic this good deserves its own BOA scenario... it's Dikilicious. --Lazarus

I understand that your flawed self cannot hope to capture my masculinity nor charm, and so I forgive you for omitting them. --Rakshasi

I'm both amused and disgusted... employ more monkey authors! --Nikki

Horrible and extremely dull... I feel genuinely embarrassed at the moment. --Thralni

I'm at a loss for words. --Randomizer

I am a big fan of inhaling helium. --WKS

It's pretty decent. It's not quite as good as A Storm of Swords, but it's still good. --Tyranicus

This entire script was nothing more than the unnessecary sequel to a what was already a godawful pile of horse manure... to merely look at it is a transcendant experience that no person can be complete without. --Dallerdin

Sounds fishy. --Major

You need to throw in a cheesy developing romance. --Mysterious Man

Urp. That's really all there is to say. --Ephesos

Yay, a sequel! All hail the mighty Dikiyoba! --The Lurker

When does this stop sucking? --Terror's Martyr

Expect me not to watch or to much care. --Alec

Let's just hope there will not also be 3 prequels. --Zeviz

Hail Dikiyoba. --Snafta

Yay, spam! --Dareva

The Nine-Headed Cave Cow smiles upon thee, Dikiyoba! --Slartucker

A clever and amusing look at the Boards and online forums overall. The characterization and storytelling skill are leaps ahead of its predecessor. But... WHY DID IT HAVE TO BE THE KITCHEN??? --Lord Grimm

Act 1

Act 1 Dikiyoba Wed, 03/28/2007 - 18:15
When there is life, there is hope...

Scene 1: Miscellaneous Forum

Scene 1: Miscellaneous Forum Dikiyoba Wed, 03/28/2007 - 18:16
The forum is cold. Very cold. And dark as well. And completely lifeless, since everyone in it is dead. Spiderwebbers huddle around old flamefests, trying to stay warm. They are reduced to eating spam. Dareva is about to take a bite of spam but flings it away suddenly.

Dareva: Ug. Spam. I'll starve before I eat any more of that stuff!

About the only people who can eat the spam are the Richard White cultists. In fact, they seem to be enjoying it.

Dareva: How can you eat that stuff?

Spring: Oh, we're not really eating it. We're just upgrading our implants with it.

Archmage Alex: Say, where is Icshi?

Student of Trinity: He's been called home to forum number 6,432,766,349,448,872,395,334,773. We will see him and Richard White again when that forum comes and unleashes its mighty vengeance.

Ben4808: Oh great. You mean that wasn't it? The Spiderweb Software Message Boards will one day be destroyed again?

Drew: No, that wasn't the coming of forum number 6,432,766,349,448,872,395,334,773. The destruction that it will bring when it comes will be beyond all comprehension. Fortunately, all cultists will be spared from forum number 6,432,766,349,448,872,395,334,773's wrath.

Wise Man: So, how long does anyone think we've been trapped down here?

Imban: Time flows strangely down here. It could be anywhere from a few minutes to several years. It sure feels like it's been a long time, though.

Wise Man: And where are all the noobs? There don't seem to be any here.

Imban: When noobs die, they get trapped in Homeland.

Archmage Alex: That is indeed a fate worse than death! Say no more!

*i is making a list on a piece of paper.

Drakefyre: What are you doing?

*i: Since we're all pale, skinny, and trapped in the underworld, I'm rewriting the titles so that they have an Exile theme. What do you think?

Drakefyre: It looks good. But expect to see many members with annoying new custom titles soon.

Drakefyre walks off and starts making his own list. Sitting as close as possible to another flamefest, Enraged Slith is so cold that he doesn't have the energy to do anything but shiver. Just a short distance away, Thralni and Snafta are kneeling on the ground. Thralni lifts his hands into the air.

Thralni: Oh, almighty chicken gods, what did we ever do to deserve such a fate? As the chicken god prophet, I beseech you, have mercy on us! Don't leave us down here forever! Or even another moment! Please? Pretty please?

Snafta: It's not working.

Thralni stands up, muttering Nephilian curses under his breath. Fatman, reclining against a stalagmite, chuckles.

Thralni: At least I'm trying to get us out of here. What have you done recently?

Fatman: At the moment, I'm laughing at you. I don't think there is a way out of this, though. I mean, we're dead. I don't even know where we are.

Schrodinger: In the old Miscellaneous Forum.

Fatman: Oh.

Thralni kneels again.

Thralni: I'll try once more. Almighty chicken gods! Are you listening to me now?

In another part of the forum, Arancaytar, Slartucker, and Tyranicus are also attempting to find a way back to the regular Spiderweb Software Message Board. Several runes are scratched into the ground near where they are standing.

Slartucker: How is this supposed to work?

Arancaytar: My goal is to create a portal that will take us to the Geneforge 2 Forum. I can get us back to the regular forums from there.

Tyranicus: Are we ready for a test yet?

Arancaytar: I think the runes are ready. Let's try to create the portal now. It will use up a lot of our energy. Be prepared for that. And above all, don't blink or look away from the runes while we try to do this.

The three Spiderwebbers concentrate on the runes. Energy pours out of them and into the runes. An insubstantial portal begins to form.

Slartucker: Hang on. I think I need to... to...

Slartucker sneezes. The moment his eyes close, the energy flow is disrupted. All of the energy stored in the runes is discharged as a huge fireball at Tyranicus. Tyranicus dies. Again.

Slartucker: Oops.

Arancaytar: I wonder what happens to you if you die after you're already dead.

Tyranicus gets up, completely unharmed. He brushes ashes off of himself.

Tyranicus: You just die again.

Arancaytar sighs.

Arancaytar: We'll have to try again later. Let's go rejoin the others.

Scene 2: Outside the General Forum

Scene 2: Outside the General Forum Dikiyoba Wed, 03/28/2007 - 18:16
Thuryl is walking towards the door that opens into the Spiderweb Software Message Boards.

Thuryl: I swore to myself that I would never come back. And yet, here I am.

Dolphin enters and runs to catch up with Thuryl.

Dolphin: Wait, Thuryl. Zorro's coming too.

Zorro enters.

Thuryl: Where have you two been?

Dolphin: I've been busy.

Zorro: I've been playing Galactic Core.

Erika Maroonmark and WKS are standing at the door into the Message Boards. A baby fluffy turtle blocks their way inside. It's crying fluffy turtle tears and snuffling.

WKS: Come on, we've deposited our sanity in the deposit box. Why won't you let us in?

Thuryl: What seems to be the problem?

Erika Maroonmark: The fluffy turtle won't let us in.

Thuryl kicks the baby fluffy turtle aside and opens the door.

Thuryl: That solves that problem.

The baby fluffy turtle scurries into the General Forum. Thuryl, Dolphin, Zorro, Erika Maroonmark, and WKS follow.

Scene 3: General Forum

Scene 3: General Forum Dikiyoba Wed, 03/28/2007 - 18:17
Nothing has changed in the General Forum. The dead ur-noob dominates the forum. All the noob, 1337 h4x0r, GIFTS, and Spiderwebber bodies remain where they fell. Thuryl and the others enter and look around.

Dolphin: What happened here?

Zorro: Hello? Is anyone still alive in here?

There is no response. The baby fluffy turtle scuttles towards the exit to the Tech Support Forum. Thuryl looks badly shaken.

Thuryl: I was afraid of this. The four of you stay here and look around. I'm going to check out the other forums.

Thuryl exits. The other four look around. Zorro picks up the stats that are lying next to Arancaytar. WKS and Erika Maroonmark walk to the other end of the forum, away from the carnage. Dolphin pauses to look at a large chart hanging on the wall. It looks like it got hit by a fireball, because it is badly charred. Still, she is able to make out what it says: The Periodic Table of Spiderweb. Thuryl enters the forum again.

Thuryl: All the other Spiderwebbers are dead and all the other forums are destroyed as well. The Moderator Board doesn't even exist any more. Did you find anything?

Zorro: I have the stats. It looks like it lists everyone who died, except for the few who died after Arancaytar did.

Thuryl takes the stats.

Thuryl: Thank you.

Dolphin: I found this.

Dolphin shows Thuryl the chart.

Thuryl: It looks like every Spiderwebber is on here. Now, if we only had their elements and an old, powerful artifact previously unrecognized as such, we could bring them back to life.

Zorro: Hang on. I have an old, powerful artifact that hasn't been recognized as such. I'll go get it.

Zorro exits. In the far corner of the forum, WKS and Erika Maroonmark stumble across a chest labeled "Thralni."

Erika Maroonmark: What do you think is in here?

WKS: Open it and find out.

Erika Maroonmark: I can't. It's locked. Do you suppose there is a key somewhere?

WKS: Go ask Thuryl.

Erika Maroonmark runs over to Thuryl.

Erika Maroonmark: Is there a Thralni on the stat list?

Thuryl: Yes. He died in the Avernum Trilogy Forum.

Erika Maroonmark: Okay, thanks.

Erika Maroonmark runs off. Thuryl is about to ask Erika what she wanted the information for but he is distracted by Zorro's entrance.

Thuryl: Do you have it?

Zorro: Yes. It's right here.

Zorro pulls out a copy of Galactic Core.

Thuryl: That's the old, powerful artifact? Well, no one would have recognized it as such, that's for sure. I suppose we can try it. But first, we need an element.

Erika Maroonmark finds WKS in a corner inhaling the helium out of a balloon and giggling at an extremely high pitch. Erika Maroonmark grabs a balloon as well. Dolphin hears their laughter and comes over to investigate.

Dolphin: What are you two doing? Hey... that's helium! Thuryl, does anyone have helium as an element?

Thuryl: Yes. But the chart is too burnt to make out who it is.

Dolphin grabs a balloon out of WKS's hand and runs it over to Thuryl and Zorro. Zorro unties the knot in the balloon and combines the helium and Galactic Core in a way that doesn't make any sense at all.

Thuryl: Ready?

Zorro: Sure. Let's see if this works.

There is a flash of light. When it fades, Alorael is standing there.

Alorael: What just happened? I'm alive again. But where's my sniper rifle?

Dolphin: It did work!

Alorael: Hmm. Good thing I always keep a spare sniper rifle in the Tech Support Forum.

Alorael exits.

Thuryl: Erika Maroonmark, WKS, will you go to the Avernum Trilogy Forum and find bars of iron, silver, gold, and uranium?

Erika Maroonmark: Will do!

Erika Maroonmark and WKS exit.

Scene 4: Tech Support Forum

Scene 4: Tech Support Forum Dikiyoba Wed, 03/28/2007 - 18:18
Alorael enters the forum. The baby fluffy turtle moves away from the body of the Almighty Do-er of Stuff and follows Alorael across the forum instead.

Alorael: Shoo! Go away! I have no sanity to give you!

The fluffy turtle backs off a little. Alorael opens a secret compartment and pulls out his spare sniper rifle, ammo, and the last of his skribbane potions. As Alorael loads the rifle, something begins to crawl across the forum towards him. Erika Maroonmark and WKS enter the forum. The thing vanishes instantly.

WKS: Hi, Alorael. We're going to the Avernum Trilogy Forum. Want to come with us?

Alorael: Well, I do need more skribbane. Sure.

Alorael finishes loading his rifle.

Erika Maroonmark: You know, I've never actually seen the full Avernum Trilogy Forum before. This will be fun!

Erika Maroonmark, WKS, and Alorael exit. The baby fluffy turtle follows them. The thing in the corner stirs once and then settles down to wait again.

Scene 5: General Forum

Scene 5: General Forum Dikiyoba Wed, 03/28/2007 - 18:23
Thuryl, Zorro, and Dolphin are searching the general forum for any elements that can be used to bring people back. Suddenly, Bomber walks in.

Bomber: Hi! My name's Bomber. Anyone seen a guy named Lord Llama?

Thuryl: No. Don't distract us--we're busy.

Dolphin: I found a tin-foil helmet, though I think that it is actually made out of aluminum foil.

Thuryl: Good. No one is tin, but someone is aluminum. Unfortunately, the name is charred and blurred, so I don't know who.

Zorro takes a piece of aluminum foil off of the helmet and combines it with Galactic Core.

Zorro: Ready.

Lord Llama walks in.

Bomber: Hi, Llama.

Lord Llama: hi bomber

Bomber: How are you doing, Llama?

Lord Llama: im good how r u

Bomber: I'm good as well. What have you been up to recently?

Lord Llama: ive ben waching foamy cartons i luv that sqirl

Thuryl: This is not the place for personal conversations! Go talk somewhere else!

Bomber: Oops. Sorry.

Lord Llama: watever

Bomber and Lord Llama exit into the Tech Support Forum.

Thuryl: Ready?

Zorro: Ready.

Scene 6: Miscellaneous Forum

Scene 6: Miscellaneous Forum Dikiyoba Wed, 03/28/2007 - 18:24
*i has some Spiderwebbers interested in his new title ranking plan. Several of them are looking at the new list and giving their opinions.

Kingy: Cool. I'm a Swashbuckler now.

Wise Man: I'm a Sage.

Dintiradan: I'm an Explorer. While it's better than being an ordinary citizen, it's nowhere near as good as Evil Overlord.

Other Spiderwebbers are interested in other things. Ephesos, for instance, is trying to create a Balm of Life.

Ephesos: I will return to the message boards. Furthermore, I will return to the message boards alive.

The potion that Ephesos is creating starts to fizz, bubble, and foam out of the bottle. The acidic substance covers Ephesos's hands. He quickly drops the bottle and casts a cure spell on himself.

Ephesos: Well, that wasn't it.

Jumpin' Salmon: Anyone seen Alorael recently? He went off to look for one of his missing PDNs awhile ago and hasn't come back.

Inthrall: Nope. Haven't seen him.

Jumpin' Salmon: Hmm. Now that's odd.

Thralni: Oh, almighty chicken gods! Please, please, pleeeeease spare us from this horrible fate!

Arancaytar, Tyranicus, and Slartucker are attempting to create the portal again.

Arancaytar: Okay. Let's try this once more. Ready?

Tyranicus: If you're going to sneeze, sneeze now, Slartucker.

Slartucker: It was a one time thing, I promise. It won't happen again.

As the three Spiderwebbers look at the runes, the portal begins to form. Suddenly, Slartucker vanishes in a flash of light. Tyranicus is prepared this time and leaps out of the way, so it is Arancaytar who is hit by the fireball. A few moments after the fire burns itself out, Arancaytar stands back up.

Tyranicus: What happened to Slartucker?

Arancaytar: It wasn't the portal. It was something else. But I don't know what.

Scene 7: Avernum Trilogy Forum

Scene 7: Avernum Trilogy Forum Dikiyoba Wed, 03/28/2007 - 18:24
Alorael, Erika Maroonmark, WKS, and the baby fluffy turtle enter the forum. Alorael immediately slips off to go collect skribbane plants. The baby fluffy turtle follows him. WKS and Erika Maroonmark search for metal bars. WKS comes across a metal bar that he can't identify, so he puts it into his pocket until someone can identify it.

Erika Maroonmark: Hey! I think I've found something!

WKS: What is it?

Erika Maroonmark: It's a slightly rusty bar of iron just lying here.

WKS: Good. Take it. We need it.

After a bit more searching, Erika Maroonmark comes across a bar of lead. Meanwhile, WKS is sitting on the ground, looking distinctly ill.

Erika Maroonmark: What's the matter with you?

WKS: I don't feel good and I don't know why. Look, my hair is falling out.

Erika Maroonmark shrugs.

Erika Maroonmark: I don't know what it is, either. Oh, look. A bar of silver.

Erika Maroonmark picks it up. While gathering skribbane plants, Alorael notices a bar of gold lying on the ground. He picks it up and throws it as far away as possible. The baby fluffy turtle immediately runs (or what counts as running for a turtle, anyway) after it. After gathering enough plants, Alorael returns to where Erika Maroonmark and WKS are.

WKS: I feel so ill.

Alorael: You must have picked up a bar of uranium.

WKS: Is that what it is?

Alorael: Yes. What's that?

Alorael notices a small key lying on the ground. He picks it up.

Erika Maroonmark: That's probably the key we were looking for! Come on, WKS, let's go try it out.

Erika Maroonmark takes the key from Alorael. The three Spiderwebbers exit. Meanwhile, the baby fluffy turtle is still in the process of fetching the bar of gold.

Act 2

Act 2 Dikiyoba Sat, 03/31/2007 - 07:25
Something has arrived...

Scene 1: Tech Support Forum

Scene 1: Tech Support Forum Dikiyoba Sat, 03/31/2007 - 07:29
The thing waits in the tech support forum, listening to Bomber and Lord Llama talk. Slowly, it begins to creep towards them. Then it halts and draws back. It had attempted to enter and take over the boards before but this was the first time that it had been able to enter unrecognized and unnoticed. This time, it actually had a foothold in the forum. It would not risk this foothold by doing anything rash. Instead, it would watch and wait and slowly grow stronger.

Bomber: What is your favorite Spiderweb Software game?

Lord Llama: i lik a4 but i aslo lik foamy cartons betr

Bomber: What's your favorite episode?

Lord Llama: i lik the sqirly song best.

Alorael, Erika Maroonmark, and WKS enter the forum. Erika Maroonmark and WKS cross the forum and exit into the General Forum. Alorael chivvies Bomber and Lord Llama out of the forum as well.

Alorael: Shoo! I've got work to do here.

Bomber: Fine. Let's go see what's happening in the general forum.

Lord Llama: k

Bomber and Lord Llama exit as well. Alorael looks around once, fails to notice the thing because it has hidden itself, and pulls out everything he needs to create skribbane potions out of ordinary skribbane plants. The thing waits until Alorael is concentrating entirely on his task and then sneaks up behind him. And proceeds to stand there for the next twenty minutes, hoping that its mere presence will disrupt Alorael's work. In fact, the technique is minutely successful, for Alorael makes several dozen skribbane potions. And one bottle of skribban.

Scene 2: Avernum Trilogy Forum

Scene 2: Avernum Trilogy Forum Dikiyoba Sat, 03/31/2007 - 07:30
The baby fluffy turtle finally reaches the bar of gold. It picks it up and begins the long return journey.

Scene 3: General Forum

Scene 3: General Forum Dikiyoba Sat, 03/31/2007 - 07:30
Slartucker is helping Thuryl to puzzle out the rest of the Periodic Table of Spiderweb by creating a list of all Spiderwebbers and their elements when WKS, Erika Maroonmark, Bomber, and Lord Llama enter.

Erika Maroonmark: We've got a few elements.

WKS and Erika Maroonmark give Zorro the bars of silver, uranium, lead, and iron. Zorro combines the iron with Galactic Core. In a flash of light, Ash Lael appears.

Ash Lael: Finally! You have no idea how weird it was to be dead!

Zorro picks up the bar of uranium. WKS nudges Erika Maroonmark.

WKS: We have the key now. Let's go see what's in that chest!

WKS and Erika Maroonmark run over to the chest and unlock it. They open it as Terror's Martyr appears in a flash of light. He looks around.

Terror's Martyr: At least I'm away from most of the lunatics. I sure hope you're being selective about who you're choosing to bring back. There are already too many idiots here as it is.

Erika Maroonmark: It's a chemistry set!

Erika Maroonmark and WKS dig through the chest and pull out all the elements they can find.

WKS: Lithium, boron, copper, nitrogen, hydrogen, calcium, fluorine, nickel, potassium... there's a bunch of elements in here!

Erika Maroonmark: There's even some elements like hafnium and promethium. What was Thralni up to, anyway?

WKS: Who knows? Who cares? Zorro, we've found some more elements!

Zorro finishes combining Galactic Gore with the bar of silver.

Zorro: Well, bring them over here.

There is another flash of light and Jumpin' Salmon is revived.

Jumpin' Salmon: This is great!

Lord Llama: this is boring

Zorro: No one asked your opinion.

Zorro picks up the bar of lead and combines it with Galactic Core. Lazarus appears.

Lazarus: Hey! I'm back from the dead! For real, this time.

Scene 4: Miscellaneous Forum

Scene 4: Miscellaneous Forum Dikiyoba Sat, 03/31/2007 - 07:31
As WKS and Erika Maroonmark hand over the metal bars to Zorro in the General Forum, Arancaytar and Tyranicus run up to Drakefyre and *i in the Miscellaneous Forum.

Tyranicus: Slarty disappeared!

Drakefyre: What do you mean by that?

Ash Lael suddenly vanishes in a flash of light. Arancaytar points at the spot where he used to be.

Arancaytar: That!

All the Spiderwebbers crowded around to try and figure out what happened.

The Lurker: How and why does someone just vanish?

Terror's Martyr is about to make a scathing remark when he, too, disappears.

Dareva: What does it mean?

Imban: It must mean that we're being brought back to life.

Kingy: Really?

Ephesos: So long as we aren't being brought back as undead...

Jumpin' Salmon: I guess we know what happened to Alorael now.

Jumpin' Salmon vanishes.

Thralni: Yes! The chicken gods were listening after all! Please revive me next!

Lazarus vanishes.

Thralni: Oh, never mind.

Fatman: Why would you want to be revived, anyway? We'll probably all end up dead again. Dying once was bad enough. I don't want to have to die twice.

Ephesos: I just want to know who is reviving us and how they are managing it.

Spring: I guess we just have to wait and find out.

Spring vanishes.

Scene 5: General Forum

Scene 5: General Forum Dikiyoba Sat, 03/31/2007 - 07:32
Zorro is working as quickly as possible to revive people. In the space of just a few minutes, he has managed to bring back Spring, Mysterious Man, Ephesos, Drakefyre, Imban, Fatman, Ben4808, and Nikki.

Ephesos: I don't believe it... I'm alive.

Fatman rolls his eyes.

Fatman: Oh, goody.

Zorro combines the potassium with Galactic Core. Thralni appears.

Thralni: Yay! Now do Snafta, Zorro.

Zorro: I can't. I can only bring back Spiderwebbers when I have their elements.

Thralni: Oh. What is Snafta's element?

Slartucker looks over his list and then at the chart.

Slartucker: He doesn't have one.

Thralni: He doesn't have an element? This is unthinkable! He needs an element. How about... um...

Thralni thinks for a moment. Zorro combines the hafnium with Galactic Core. Zeviz is revived.

Zeviz: Well, this is a pleasant surprise!

Thralni: Tin. Snafta can be tin.

Slartucker and Thralni both look at the chart. Snafta's name is suddenly present in the square for tin.

Thralni: Now can you revive Snafta?

Zorro: I don't have any tin. In fact, this promethium is the last element I have. WKS, Erika, are there any more elements in the chest?

Zorro finishes combining the promethium with Galactic Core. Zephyr Tempest is revived.

Erika Maroonmark: Yes. There's some krypton, some titanium, some chlorine, some iridium, and some cesium.

Erika Maroonmark carries the elements over to Zorro.

Thralni: No tin?

Erika Maroonmark: No. There aren't any other elements. Sorry.

Thralni: I guess I'll have to go look for some tin. I bet I could find a bar in the Avernum Trilogy Forum.

Thralni exits. Zorro combines the krypton with Galactic Core. Archmage Alex appears.

Archmage Alex: Yay! I'm so glad to be back, I could skip!

Slartucker: There are still a lot of Spiderwebbers left to be revived. Where are we going to get the rest of the elements? Student of Trinity has anti-hydrogen and Delicious Vlish has anti-helium. Those certainly aren't going to be easy to find.

Zorro combines the titanium with Galactic Core. Saunders appears. Drakefyre looks around.

Drakefyre: Zephyr Tempest, Zeviz, you both have some skill as mages, correct?

Zeviz: Yes.

Zephyr Tempest: That's right. What do you want me to do?

Drakefyre: Let's see if we can develop a spell that will allow us to summon elements. Zorro, keep bringing back Spiderwebbers. The rest of you, start putting this forum back into order.

Scene 6: Tech Support Forum

Scene 6: Tech Support Forum Dikiyoba Sat, 03/31/2007 - 07:33
Alorael starts putting away all of his potion-making equipment. The thing immediately retreats to its hiding spot. Thralni enters just as Alorael finishes putting things away.

Alorael: Hi, Thralni.

Thralni looks impatient as he strides across the forum.

Thralni: I can't talk now, Alorael. I have to go find some tin so that Zorro can revive Snafta.

Alorael shrugs and opens a skribbane potion. He quickly drinks it.

Alorael: Fine, whatever.

Alorael exits into the general forum. Thralni exits at the other end of the forum. The thing crawls out of its hiding place and follows Thralni into the Avernum Trilogy Forum.

Scene 7: Avernum Trilogy Forum

Scene 7: Avernum Trilogy Forum Dikiyoba Sat, 03/31/2007 - 07:34
Thralni enters with the thing still following him closely. He takes several steps and then stops and looks around. The thing quickly hides itself.

Thralni: Hello? Is someone following me?

The thing says and does nothing. Thralni looks around once more and then continues on, still feeling watched and searching for a bar of tin. The thing continues to follow him, waiting for the right moment to strike. Finally, Thralni spots a bar of tin lying on the ground. He rushes over to it. In his elation, he forgets that he is being followed. The thing a attacks.

Thralni: Finally! A bar of... what the!

Thralni sees the thing a moment before it hits him--the thing that has consumed more newbs than Arctic Wolf; the thing that holds sway over most noobs; the thing that annoys and confuses most oldbies constantly; the thing that terrifies and enrages English teachers and linguists everywhere; the thing who exists in many variations but none quite so terrifying and loathsome as the form that stands before Thralni; the thing whose only goals are death, destruction, and dohesae fhosad xrazxar! But Thralni doesn't realize any of this. All he realizes is that he is staring at the most utterly incomprehensible and unintelligible thing that has ever existed. He starts to yell but the thing grabs him by the throat. Thralni promptly blacks out. The thing emits a hideous laugh.

Act 3

Act 3 Dikiyoba Sat, 03/31/2007 - 07:35
So far, more revived Spiderwebbers just means more victims...

Scene 1: General Forum

Scene 1: General Forum Dikiyoba Sat, 03/31/2007 - 07:37
The forum is rapidly being put back into order. The bodies of the noobs and the GIFTS are being thrown out of the message board. The only slight problem is that some of the noobs are too stupid to realize that they should be dead. As Nikki drags one of the noobs towards the door, it suddenly bites him.

Nikki: Ow! It bit me!

Nikki lets go of the noob. It jumps up and runs for the door. Ephesos casts repel spirit at it but misses. The noob escapes through the door.

Spring: And don't come back!

Ephesos casts heal on Nikki.

Nikki: Thanks.

Nikki kicks the next noob several times to ensure that it is dead before starting to drag it out the door. Meanwhile, Zorro is waiting for someone to bring him an element. He has revived Marlenny, Dallerdin, and Alec.

Alec: I have returned!

Thuryl: Good for you.

Drakefyre, Zeviz, and Zephyr Tempest have set up a small summoning platform in a cleared area of the forum.

Drakefyre: Now all we need is to pick an element that we're going to try to summon.

Nikki: How about osmium?

Drakefyre: Who has osmium?

Slartucker looks over the list quickly.

Slartucker: Aran.

Drakefyre looks at Zeviz and Zephyr Tempest.

Drakefyre: All right. We'll try to summon some osmium. Are you two ready?

Zephyr Tempest: Ready!

Scene 2: Avernum Trilogy Forum

Scene 2: Avernum Trilogy Forum Dikiyoba Sat, 03/31/2007 - 07:37
The first thing Thralni hears when he regains consciousness is the sound of noisy chewing. He opens his eyes in time to see the juvenile fluffy turtle swallow the last of his sanity.

Thralni: Hay! I wanted to save that!

Thralni stands up and looks over himself. He doesn't appear to be harmed in any way and he can't see the thing anywhere.

Thralni: That's odd. I'm not dead. In fact, I'm not even hurt. What was that thing? What did it want from me? And where did it go?

Thralni thinks for a while but doesn't come up with any answers.

Thralni: Oh well. I have a bar of ten, er, tin now.

As Thralni picks it up, he notices the bar of gold that the juvenile fluffy turtle dropped. He picks that up as well. Then he exits, with the juvenile fluffy turtle following behind.

Scene 3: Miscellaneous Forum

Scene 3: Miscellaneous Forum Dikiyoba Sat, 03/31/2007 - 07:41
The remaining Spiderwebbers sit around the flamefests impatiently.

Student of Trinity: It's been a while since anyone has been revived. What's the hold up?

Delicious Vlish: They had better hurry up and revive us, or I'll have to scramble some brains when I get back.

Arancaytar: I hope that I'm revived next.

Dikiyoba: Dikiyoba thinks that everyone hopes to be the next one revived.

The Lurker: What would happen if someone was forgotten and left down here forever?

*i: No one will be forgotten. Just be patient.

Scene 4: General Forum

Scene 4: General Forum Dikiyoba Sat, 03/31/2007 - 07:42
The General Forum looks almost as it did before the noob attack. The only thing left is the body of the ur-noob. Thralni rushes into the forum with the juvenile fluffy turtle right behind him.

Thralni: I found somme tin and some gold. I aslo picked up a platinum ring the Geneforg Forum!

Thralni hands the three elements to Zorro. Zorro combines the tin with Galactic Core. Snafta is revived. There is a small explosion on the small summoning platform. Drakefyre, Zeviz, and Zephyr Tempest duck out of the way quickly. When the smoke clears, the platform is still empty.

Drakefyre: Well, that wasn't it.

A newb casually wanders into the forum. The juvenile fluffy turtle immediately spots him and chases him around the forum.

Newb: Hey! Stay away from me! Help!

Zorro revives GoldenKing.

GoldenKing: I'm back! And I'm giving up skribbane! This time around, I'm sticking solely with canisters.

Alorael looks smug and sips at a skribbane potion. The newb continues to run around frantically.

Newb: Someone help! There's a fluffy turtle after me!

Archmage Alex grabs the newb and takes his sanity. He feeds it to the juvenile fluffy turtle. Meanwhile, Bomber and Lord Llama are talking together once more.

Bomber: So, anyway, what do you think of this place?

Lord Llama: i think its stuped

Bomber: It's not stupid!

Lord Llama: yes it is

Bomber: Than why are you still here?

Lord Llama: uh...

The thing watches the two of them closely. It already had control over Lord Llama but Bomber's influence kept that control from being complete. But by staying around Lord Llama, Bomber made himself extremely vulnerable to the thing. So the thing would wait for the proper time and place to attack. Meanwhile, Zorro combines Galactic Core with the platinum ring and revives Spy-there.

Spy-there: Wonderful!

GoldenKing: Skribb... no! Canisters! I need a canister! There should be some in the Geneforge Forum.

GoldenKing exits. The thing follows him. There is another small explosion on the summoning platform. Zephyr Tempest stomps out a spark and points at the small chunk of osmium resting on the platform.

Zephyr Tempest: Yes! We did it!

Zephyr Tempest runs the osmium over to Zorro. Zorro combines it with Galactic Core. Arancaytar is revived.

Arancaytar: It's about time!

Drakefyre: Hopefully, summoning the rest of the elements won't be as difficult now that we know how to do it. Which element should we summon next?

Marlenny: Sodium. That's Kelandon's element.

Scene 5: Geneforge Forum

Scene 5: Geneforge Forum Dikiyoba Sat, 03/31/2007 - 07:43
GoldenKing wanders around the forum, searching for a canister. Unlike Thralni, he doesn't realize that he is being stalked by the thing. Finally, he spots a canister.

GoldenKing: Aha! There's one!

GoldenKing runs over to the canister and uses it.

GoldenKing: Ahahahaha! Power! What in the...

GoldenKing finally sees the thing just as it is about to attack him. GoldenKing gets angry.

GoldenKing: Hey! You can't attack me! I'm powerful!

The thing: Klgvfbfq!

GoldenKing: Nooooo!

GoldenKing stumbles backward with his hands over his ears. He staggers dizzily for several moments and then passes out.

Act 4

Act 4 Dikiyoba Sun, 04/01/2007 - 04:07
The Spiderwebbers discover the thing...

Scene 1: General Forum

Scene 1: General Forum Dikiyoba Sun, 04/01/2007 - 04:10
Now that Drakefyre, Zephyr Tempest, and Zeviz have discovered the spell to summon elements, Spiderwebbers are being revived quickly. The three of them have summoned sodium, magnesium, and neon, which allowed Zorro to revive Kelandon, MagmaDragoon, and Dikiyoba.

MagmaDragoon: Am I really back?

Dikiyoba: Dikiyoba is pleased to be alive again.

Zeviz: I'm starting to feel tired.

Zephyr Tempest: But we must keep summoning!

Drakefyre: Ephesos! Do you have any energy potions?

Ephesos: No, they all got used up.

Drakefyre: We don't have time to rest to recover our energy. You'll have to make some energy potions.

Ephesos: If there are even any herbs left. I'll try the Blades of Avernum Forum.

Ephesos exits. Dikiyoba follows.

Nikki: Summon some vanadium next. Please?

Zephyr Tempest summons some vanadium and gives it to Zorro. After it is combined with Galactic Core, Nicothodes is revived.

Nicothodes: Where's my collection of pens?

Nikki: All the pens were destroyed in the attack. But I have a mechanical pencil I can give you.

Nicothodes takes the pencil.

Nicothodes: Thanks. Now I can stab anyone who dares to call me cute.

Nikki bites his tongue and decides it is in his best interest not to say what he was about to say. He and Nicothodes exit with most of the other Spiderwebbers to start cleaning up the Tech Support Forum. Drakefyre summons some bismuth, which allows Zorro to revive Dintiradan.

Dintiradan: Yes! The Evil Overlord always comes back!

Everyone left in the forum stares at him.

Dintiradan: Sorry. I'll just go check to see how badly my fortress in the Blades of Avernum Forum is damaged.

Dintiradan exits.

Scene 2: Geneforge Forum

Scene 2: Geneforge Forum Dikiyoba Sun, 04/01/2007 - 04:12
Ephesos and Dikiyoba walk across the Geneforge Forum on their way to the Blades of Avernum Forum. They both halt when they see GoldenKing lying unconscious next to a used canister. They run over.

Dikiyoba: He's not dead, is he?

Ephesos: No, just unconscious.

Ephesos casts unshackle mind. GoldenKing wakes up.

GoldenKing: Ephesos! Teh thing! Teh thing!

Ephesos: GoldenKing, use proper English so I can understand you.

GoldenKing: I siad, the thing!

Ephesos and Dikiyoba look around. The thing is gone.

Ephesos: I don't see a thing.

GoldenKing: But... but...

Ephesos: You just had a bad reaction to the canister you used. Nothing else. Just follow us. That way, I'm nearby if you pass out again.

GoldenKing looks around the forum again and sees nothing.

GoldenKing: But... but... all right. Maeby thats all it was.

Dintiradan enters the forum.

Dintiradan: Where are you three going?

Dikiyoba: To the Blades of Avernum Forum.

Dintiradan: How convenient! That's where I'm headed too. What are we waiting for?

Ephesos points at GoldenKing. GoldenKing stands up.

GoldenKing: Its okay. I fell, er, feel better now.

The four Spiderwebbers exit.

Scene 3: Blades of Avernum Forum

Scene 3: Blades of Avernum Forum Dikiyoba Sun, 04/01/2007 - 04:15
Ephesos, Dikiyoba, Dintiradan, and GoldenKing enter.

Ephesos: Look for herbs that are useful for making energy potions.

Dikiyoba: Okay, Ephesos.

While the other three Spiderwebbers search, Dintiradan slips off to the destroyed town in the mountains. When he gets there, he looks around in disappointment.

Dintiradan: Humph. It's completely destroyed. And completely useless to me now.

The thing slinks down a path towards him.

Dintiradan: Oh well. I'm sure I can think of a better evil scheme this time around, anyway.

The thing accidentally bumps a pebble, sending it rolling down the path. The thing immediately hides. As the pebble rolls by Dintiradan, he looks around.

Dintiradan: Wait. I didn't violate any Evil Overlord rules by coming up here, did I?

Dintiradan pulls out his Evil Overlord Guidebook and begins flipping through it. The thing begins to crawl towards Dintiradan once more.

Dintiradan: Oh great. It's right here: "I will not go off on my own, in order to prevent myself from being an easy target for the thing." The thing? What is the thing?

The thing: Vtfcdrxwa!

The thing suddenly leaps at Dintiradan. Dintiradan turns and sees it a moment before it hits him.

Dintiradan: Ahhhhhhhhh!

Dintiradan falls over unconscious. His yell echoes across the forum. Down on a small hill, Dikiyoba and GoldenKing hand the herbs that they picked over to Ephesos. Suddenly, they all look up.

Ephesos: Did anyone else just hear a scream?

Dikiyoba: Dikiyoba heard it, Ephesos.

Ephesos: That's what I was afraid of. Let's see what it was.

Ephesos, Dikiyoba, and GoldenKing hike up into the mountains until they come across the comatose Dintiradan. Ephesos casts unshackle mind. Dintiradan opens his eyes and sits up.

Dintiradan: Its the thing!

GoldenKing: I told u theres a thing.

Ephesos and Dikiyoba look around nervously, but the thing has left the scene once more.

Dikiyoba: Dikiyoba wishes Dikiyoba had a weapon now.

Ephesos: The next time that thing attempts something, there will be some serious retribution! In the meantime, let's go back and report this to the others. Besides, I have enough herbs to make several energy potions now.

The four Spiderwebbers hike down from the mountains and exit the forum quickly.

Scene 4: Tech Support Forum

Scene 4: Tech Support Forum Dikiyoba Sun, 04/01/2007 - 04:16
With all the Spiderwebbers working hard (or most of them, anyway), the Tech Support Forum is already mostly cleaned up. Suddenly, Ephesos, Dikiyoba, GoldenKing, and Dintiradan enter.

Ephesos: Has anyone seen anything odd in the game forums?

Thralni: You mean the thing? I saw it two.

Kelandon: Too, Thralni, not two. What did this thing look like?

GoldenKing: It was comlpetly imconpremsible!

Kelandon: (Mutters.) Yes, just like your sentence.

GoldenKing: So, uh, I realy dont now.

Thralni: Yes, that sounds like the thing that attaked me.

Imban: It attacked you?

Thralni: Yes, but it didnt hurt me at al.

Imban: Does anyone know anything about this thing?

The Spiderwebbers all shake their heads.

Slartucker: Wait. I think I know where to find an answer.

Slartucker starts to walk toward the General Forum.

Imban: Ask Drakefyre to join us. Maybe he knows something about the thing.

Slartucker: I'll do that.

Slartucker exits. Alorael takes another drink of skribbane potion.

Alorael: I hope the thing can be labeled a pedestrian.

Dintiradan: The thing only seems too attak those who go alone, so that might not b a good idea, Aloreal.

Alorael: Bah.

Lord Llama: wat a bunch of losers i bet we coud cach the thing

Bomber: Yeah. Since we won't be alone, the thing won't be able to hurt us. Let's go.

Lord Llama: k

Lord Llama and Bomber exit.

Scene 5: General Forum

Scene 5: General Forum Dikiyoba Sun, 04/01/2007 - 04:19
Slartucker enters the forum just as Zorro combines iodine with Galactic Core to revive Lord Grimm.

Lord Grimm: I've changed my mind. Death isn't funny. Well, maybe it's a little bit funny. Anyway, can you revive the Silent Assassin next?

Zeviz: I'll summon his element, but that's the last one I can do until I get an energy potion.

Zeviz checks the list for the Silent Assassin's element.

Slartucker: Drakefyre, you're wanted in the Tech Support Forum. There's something loose on the message board.

Drakefyre summons some lawrencium, gives it to Zorro, and exits. Slartucker opens the door and leaves the message board. Zorro revives The Lurker.

The Lurker: Finally! I'm free to lurk once more!

The Lurker watches in interest as Zephyr Tempest summons some bohrium and Zeviz summons some astatine. Zeviz takes both elements over to Zorro and then sits down.

Zeviz: There. That's all I can do until I get an energy potion.

Zephyr Tempest: Oh, come on. I'm sure you can do one or two more.

Zeviz: No, I can't. Not without risking making a huge mistake. You had better watch your spell energy level as well.

Zorro combines the bohrium with Galactic Core and revives Demonslayer. Zephyr Tempest summons some manganese.

Zephyr Tempest: I know what I'm doing! But someone should go tell Ephesos to hurry up with those energy potions.

Demonslayer: I'll do it, I suppose.

Demonslayer exits. Zorro revives the Silent Assassin. The Silent Assassin bows deeply.

Lord Grimm: The Silent Assassin thanks you for bringing him back to life.

Zephyr Tempest summons some plutonium. He looks exhausted, but attempts to summon another element. Zeviz carries the plutonium over to Zorro.

Zeviz: What element are you trying to summon now?

Zephyr Tempest: Selenium.

Zorro revives Tyranicus. Tyranicus views his reflection in a nearby mirror.

Tyranicus: Looking good, as always.

Zorro revives Infernal666hate. Zephyr Tempest waves his hands dramatically. A puff of sulfurous smoke appears over the summoning platform.

Zephyr Tempest: That wasn't what I was...

As the smoke clears, a haakai is revealed on the summoning platform.

Zephyr Tempest: ...trying to do.

Zeviz: Oh dear.

The Lurker: Now what should we do?

Infernal666hate: Not even I would try to attack a haakai.

The Silent Assassin gestures frantically.

Lord Grimm: The Silent Assassin suggests that we run.

Lord Grimm, the Silent Assassin, The Lurker, Infernal666hate, and Tyranicus all flee into the Tech Support Forum. As Zorro is running, he trips and falls. His copy of Galactic Core hits the floor and breaks. He picks it up, scrambles to his feet, and exits. The haakai casts forcecage on Zephyr Tempest.

Zephyr Tempest: I can't move! Help!

Zeviz hits the haakai with a bolt of fire. Although the haakai isn't injured, it is distracted long enough for Zephyr Tempest to struggle out of the forcecage. Zeviz and Zephyr Tempest escape into the Tech Support Forum.

Scene 6: Tech Support Forum

Scene 6: Tech Support Forum Dikiyoba Sun, 04/01/2007 - 04:21
Ephesos and Dikiyoba are in the process of making energy potions. GoldenKing, Thralni, and Dintiradan are being questioned by Drakefyre and the moderators. It is difficult to get understandable answers, though, because the spelling and grammar mistakes are getting worse.

Thralni: ...adn i wasnt expcting it at al.

Kelandon sighs.

Kelandon: Ephesos, will you come over here and cast unshackle mind on Thralni? Maybe it will help.

Ephesos casts unshackle mind on Thralni.

Thralni: Dose it help nay?

Kelandon: No. Try a curing spell.

Ephesos casts a curing spell on Thralni.

Thralni: That dosent work ether, i can tel.

Thuryl: So, really, the only thing we know about this thing is that it will attack anyone it finds alone and destroy their language capabilities.

Demonslayer enters.

Demonslayer: Zephyr Tempest wants to know if there are any energy potions ready.

Dikiyoba: Dikiyoba is almost done with one.

The Silent Assassin, Lord Grimm, The Lurker, Tyranicus, Infernal666hate, Zorro, Zeviz, and Zephyr Tempest enter. Zorro looks down at the remains of Galactic Core in disbelief.

Zorro: My game... Galactic Core... it's ruined!

Drakefyre: What happened?

Zephyr Tempest: Well, we ran into a slight problem...

Drakefyre: I can see that. What is the problem?

The Lurker: Zephyr Tempest accidentally summoned a haakai, and now it's loose.

Ephesos: What!

Ephesos turns to Zephyr Tempest angrily.

Ephesos: In the name of all that is good and holy, why did you have to summon a haakai? Why?

Drakefyre: It's not worth arguing about. We just need to deal with it. Quickly.

Demonslayer: Somehow, I think I'd be good at slaying demons.

Infernal666hate: I lost the sword demonslayer in the Avernum 4 Forum. I'll see if I can find it.

Arancaytar: Wait! You shouldn't...

Infernal666hate exits.

Arancaytar: ...go out alone.

Arancaytar grabs a bow.

Arancaytar: Come on, Alorael. Let's find out if you can snipe that thing.

Arancaytar exits. Alorael grabs his sniper rifle and a few more skribbane potions and follows.

Ephesos: I'm not waiting for Infernal666hate to get back with the sword. I'm going to deal with that haakai right now.

Ephesos and Demonslayer exit.

Act 5

Act 5 Dikiyoba Sun, 04/01/2007 - 04:45
The Spiderwebbers begin planning to thwart the thing...

Scene 1: General Forum

Scene 1: General Forum Dikiyoba Sun, 04/01/2007 - 05:11
The haakai and half a dozen summoned demons are causing as much destruction as possible when Ephesos and Demonslayer enter. The haakai notices them immediately.

Haakai: Get them!

The demons rush them. Ephesos steps forward.

Ephesos: Repel spirit! Repel spirit! Retribution! Repel spirit! Retribution! Retribution! Repel spirit!

The demons and the haakai are all hit repeatedly by bolts of magical energy. The demons are all blasted apart. Critically injured, the haakai collapses.

Ephesos: Retribution!

The haakai disintegrates into a small pile of ashes as the spell hits it.

Ephesos: That took care of them.

Demonslayer: Well, I was completely useless.

Ephesos and Demonslayer exit. A moment later, Zorro enters, still holding the remains of Galactic Core. He kicks the pile of ashes for good measure and then opens the door and exits the message board.

Scene 2: Avernum 4 Forum

Scene 2: Avernum 4 Forum Dikiyoba Sun, 04/01/2007 - 22:56
Alorael and Arancaytar enter. Arancaytar is being careful to stay behind Alorael so that he won't accidentally be sniped. Alorael opens the bottle of skribban and drinks it.

Arancaytar: Do you notice anything odd about this forum?

Alorael: It's dark.

Arancaytar: No, I meant that it looks like someone has already been cleaning this place up.

There is a rustling noise alongside them. They both aim their weapons in the general direction of the noise. There is another rustling sound behind them. Arancaytar turns to face that direction.

Arancaytar: I thought that there was only one thing.

There is a high-pitched gasp of shock from the shadows.

Arancaytar: Oh, great. There are still some GIFTS arou...

A high-pitched yet cultured voice interrupts him.

Filth Finder: Excuse me! We are neither things nor GIFTS. We are giant intelligent friendly talking roaches! I'm Filth Finder and this is my mate, Garbage Gatherer. This forum is just perfect for raising all three hundred of our children. It's dark, there are plenty of places to hide, and there is currently lots of trash lying about for us to collect.

There is an awkward silence.

Garbage Gatherer: Do you think you could stop aiming at us? We aren't going to hurt you and it's highly unlikely that you could hit us anyway.

Alorael and Arancaytar lower their weapons.

Garbage Gatherer: Thank you! Now, don't worry about us. You won't ever see us and we'll gather up any filth in this forum. I'd say you're cute but I already have a mate. So bye!

Arancaytar: Wait! Do you know anything about the thing?

Filth Finder: No. We've heard of it but we haven't seen it. The two of us tend to stick close together, so it shouldn't be a problem for us. Good luck hunting it down. Oh, and Infernal666hate is down that tunnel to your left. Bye!

Filth Finder and Garbage Gatherer scuttle off.

Arancaytar: That was just weird. They are helpful, though. I didn't even realize that there was a tunnel to the left.

After a quick search, Alorael and Arancaytar find the tunnel and walk down it. Arancaytar finally spots Infernal666hate, lying unconscious with the pieces of demonslayer nearby.

Arancaytar: We're too late. The thing already found Infernal.

Infernal666hate sits up and holds up the three pieces of demonslayer.

Infernal666hate: Its brokerage.

Arancaytar: What did you say?

Infernal666hate: Dam battalion languor! Gah!

Arancaytar: Oh. I see. Apparently, the thing doesn't affect everyone the same way.

Infernal666hate: Know, hit dose knot.

Arancaytar: Alorael, are you feeling okay? You've been quiet for a long time.

Alorael: I feel odd. Like... like...

Arancaytar: Like what? Like starting a new gimmick?

Alorael: No. I feel like giving up sniping and skribbane and gimmicks.

Alorael hands Arancaytar his sniper rifle and skribbane potions.

Infernal666hate: Watt!

Arancaytar: You can't be serious! What are you planning to do instead?

Alorael: I'll work to improve the safety and happiness of pedestrians.

Arancaytar: You're joking!

Alorael: No, I'm not! I really do want to do that. In fact, I'd like to start right now.

Arancaytar squints at the bottle in Alorael's hand.

Arancaytar: Wait... that isn't a skribbane potion. That's a skribban potion.

Infernal666hate: Watts the differential?

Arancaytar: Quite a lot, apparently. Here. This is a skribbane potion. Drink it, Alorael.

Arancaytar offers Alorael a potion. Alorael pushes it away.

Alorael: No, thank you. Skribbane is a terrible and dangerous drug.

Arancaytar sighs.

Arancaytar: All right, all right. Let's rejoin the others.

Arancaytar, Alorael, and Infernal666hate exit. In another tunnel, Bomber and Lord Llama are wandering aimlessly around.

Bomber: Where do you think we are?

Lord Llama: i dunno i think a4 is teh best gam dont u

Bomber: I suppose it's good. What do you like about it?

Lord Llama: i lik mjnjbhhf

Bomber: What? Your English is so bad not even I can understand you.

Lord Llama is looking right at the thing yet doesn't realize it. So Lord Llama doesn't react as the thing sneaks up behind Bomber. Suddenly, Bomber falls over unconscious. Lord Llama stares. The thing slinks away quickly.

Lord Llama: bomer wats rong

After a moment, Bomber regains consciousness and gets to his feet.

Lord Llama: bomer wats rong

Bomber: i dont realy kno lets go bak

Bomber and Lord Llama eventually find their way back to the main cave and exit.

Scene 3: Wikipedia Main Page

Scene 3: Wikipedia Main Page Dikiyoba Sun, 04/01/2007 - 22:57
Slartucker sits at a desk, browsing through files of information. After several minutes, he throws the files up into the air in disgust.

Slartucker: I've been here for over an hour. There's absolutely nothing about this thing! Not even a stub! Not even a passing mention in some other entry! Wikipedia has never failed me like this before!

Slartucker gets up and exits. A moment later, he comes back wearing a leather jacket and carrying a bag of beef jerky and nine tallow candles. He looks around to make sure he is alone. Then he sets the candles up in a circle with the bag of jerky in the middle. He lights the candles and kneels down.

Slartucker: Oh, all-cowerful Nine-Headed Cave Cow, the current state of the Spiderweb Software Message Boards behooves me to call upon you to ask for some of your mooving wisdom. The fate of the entire Spiderweb Software Message Boards is at steak. Please steer me in the right direction, or else the thing will turn the forums and everyone on them into hamburger.

The Nine-Headed Cave Cow appears in the circle. All of the heads speak at once.

Nine-Headed Cave Cow: I am here. Speak.

Slartucker: I humbly crave your advice on how to defeat the thing.

Nine-Headed Cave Cow: I can't tell you that. You must discover the answer yourself.

Slartucker: How should I do that?

Nine-Headed Cave Cow: You must also figure that out yourself. Or perhaps you wish to take another path?

Slartucker: Like what?

Nine-Headed Cave Cow: You could always leave the Spiderweb Software Message Boards and its members to the thing. They're all either White cultists or Vahnatai creationists anyway. You could go out to a greener pasture and convert others to the true, mooving religion instead.

Slartucker: You're not asking me to leave the forums, are you? I just got a church going there!

Nine-Headed Cave Cow: No. But it is an option. And not a bad one either, since if you get attacked by the thing, you'll lose your ability to cast cowerful spells.

Slartucker: Wait... I can cast spells?

Nine-Headed Cave Cow: Yes. Who was in charge of commoonicating that to you? He or she will get a swift kick the next time I visit them. I...

The Nine-Headed Cave Cow suddenly vanishes as a flamer, a 1337 hax0r and two noobs enter. The candles go out and the now-empty bag blows away. Slartucker gets up.

Slartucker: Why did he and she vanish? I wanted to ask about the spells.

Flamer: What a nerd.

1337 h4x0r: lol

Slartucker turns around quickly.

Slartucker: Where did you come from?

Flamer: How dumb are you, anyway? The Internet. Where else?

Slartucker: I had hoped to never see a noob ever again.

Flamer: That's just too bad. Get him!

The 1337 ha4x0r jumps forward and swings its axe at Slartucker.

Slartucker: Um... moove slowly!

The 1337 h4x0r is instantly trapped in slow motion. Slartucker dodges easily.

Slartucker: Ha! Udder destruction!

The flamer, 1337 ha4x0r, and the two noobs are stuck by magical energy and instantly die.

Slartucker: That was impressive. It should work well on anything, including the thing.

Slartucker looks over at the ring of candles. It remains empty.

Slartucker: I'll talk to the Nine-Headed Cave Cow again later.

Slartucker exits.

Scene 4: Tech Support Forum

Scene 4: Tech Support Forum Dikiyoba Sun, 04/01/2007 - 22:58
Dikiyoba hands Zephyr Tempest an energy potion. Zephyr Tempest drinks it. Arancaytar, Alorael, and Infernal666hate enter. The Spiderwebbers stare at Arancaytar, who is carrying Alorael's rifle, and at the broken demonslayer that Infernal666hate is carrying.

Jumpin' Salmon: Aran, why are you carrying Alo's rifle?

Arancaytar: He doesn't want it any more.

Jumpin' Salmon: Can I have it? Please?

Arancaytar looks over at Alorael. Alorael appears to be lost in thought.

Alorael: Hmm. I wonder whether that would make crosswalks safer...

Arancaytar hands the sniper rifle to Jumpin' Salmon. Then he drops the bag of skribbane potions in a corner. GoldenKing eyes the potions.

GoldenKing: Must risist...

Drakefyre: Now what happened?

Infernal666hate: Hat thin most bee stomped!

Jumpin' Salmon: Er, what?

Arancaytar: Infernal666hate was attacked by the thing and Alorael accidentally drank a skribban potion. Oh, and there are GIFTRs in the Avernum 4 Forum.

Ephesos looks up from the energy potion he is making.

Ephesos: Giant Intelligent Friendly Talking Roaches? Well, better than the GIFTS, I suppose.

Dikiyoba hands Zeviz an energy potion.

Zeviz: Thank you.

Zeviz drinks the potion. Slartucker enters the forum, trying to be unobtrusive.

Thuryl: Did you find out anything about the thing, Slartucker?

Slartucker: Unfortunately, I didn't.

Bomber and Lord Llama enter.

Lord Llama: tat wuz fun

Bomber: yes it wuz.

Before Lord Llama and Bomber can continue their conversation, Jumpin' Salmon clears his throat.

Jumpin' Salmon: I haven't had a chance to try out this new rifle and I will take the opportunity if it presents itself. Do you get what I'm saying?

Bomber looks confused.

Bomber: no, wat

Jumpin' Salmon: Annoy me enough and I'll shoot. So be quiet.

Bomber: oh

GoldenKing edges closer to the bag of skribbane potions.

GoldenKing: They look so good...

Zorro enters with a new copy of Galactic Core.

Tyranicus: Hey! You got another copy!

Zorro: Yes. Another two, actually. I had to contact Jeff personally and pay for them both, but it was more than worth it. I can revive more Spiderwebbers as soon as I get some elements.

GoldenKing realizes just how close he is to the skribbane and quickly walks to the other side of the forum. Zephyr Tempest summons some selenium correctly this time. Zorro takes it and revives Croikle. Zeviz summons some phosphorus, allowing Zorro to revive Randomizer.

Randomizer: I'm a mage, too. Can I help?

Zeviz: Sure.

While Zeviz teaches Randomizer the spell, Drakefyre summons some radon. Zorro revives *i.

*i: What have I missed?

Drakefyre and *i confer together. In the meantime, Zephyr Tempest summons some gallium. Zeviz and Randomizer summon some silicon. Zorro revives Khoth and Wise Man. Finally, Drakefyre addresses all the Spiderwebbers.

Drakefyre: *i and I have decided that I will lead a small group to go look for the thing. I'm taking Kelandon and a few others who want to go along. The mages, Zorro, and anyone else involved in reviving Spiderwebbers will continue what they are doing. The rest of you will be divided into two groups. Some of you will help *i create the machinery needed to create antimatter. The rest of you will go clean up the Announcements Forum.

Marlenny: If Kel is part of the group, then I want to be part of it, too.

The Silent Assassin waves his hand in the air.

Lord Grimm: The Silent Assassin thinks that he is a natural choice, since he is protected against the thing. And I'd like to go as well. If only to translate for him.

Slartucker: I'd like to go. I have some spells I'd like to try out on the thing, if I get a chance.

Fatman: I'm tempted to volunteer. In fact, I think I will. Though it doesn't really matter, since I know all attempts to track down the thing will probably be futile.

Nicothodes: I will stab the thing with my mechanical pencil.

Fatman: I don't think you'll be able to hurt the thing.

Nicothodes: Do not underestimate the power of the mechanical pencil.

Nikki: I want to come!

Drakefyre: Anyone else? No?

Nikki: Ooh! Me! Me!

Drakefyre: Then Kelandon and I will take Marlenny, Lord Grimm, the Silent Assassin, Slartucker, Fatman, and Nicothodes.

They exit.

Nikki: Not fair!

Scene 5: General Forum

Scene 5: General Forum Dikiyoba Sun, 04/01/2007 - 22:59
A newb opens the door and walks in.

Newb: Hey, everyone! I'm new here!

The juvenile fluffy turtle runs over.

Newb: What do you want? Oh... I bet you want this.

The newb dutifully hands over his sanity to the juvenile fluffy turtle. The fluffy turtle scarfs it down. Then, struck by sudden moodiness, the teenage fluffy turtle runs off.

Newb: So, anyway, I'm here. Where is everyone else?

The thing attacks the newb suddenly. It happens so fast that the newb doesn't even lose consciousness. He is, however, permanently transformed.

Noob: lol tat wuz wierd lol

The noob exits into the Tech Support Forum.

Act 6

Act 6 Dikiyoba Mon, 04/02/2007 - 19:21
Not even small groups are safe from the thing...

Scene 1: Tech Support Forum

Scene 1: Tech Support Forum Dikiyoba Mon, 04/02/2007 - 19:21
While *i directs the creation of an antimatter machine, Nikki sulks in a corner.

Nikki: This isn't fair! Nicothodes got to go out and hunt for the thing, but I didn't. Hey, I know! I'll lead my own group and go look for the thing!

*i: That piece goes over there, Croikle.

Zeviz summons some cobalt, allowing Zorro to revive Stew Boy.

Nikki: Aran, I'm starting my own group to go hunt for the thing. Will you join me?

Arancaytar looks up from a drawing that he is working on.

Arancaytar: No, I'm busy.

Nikki: What are you doing?

Arancaytar: I'm sketching a blueprint for the new Moderator Board.

Nikki looks at it.

Nikki: What! Moderators get cushy armchairs? That's not fair.

Arancaytar: Life isn't fair.

*i: Lift that end higher! Even higher! Okay, a little lower. There! It's in place.

The noob enters the forum and promptly bumps into Ben4808. Ben4808 drops what he was carrying.

Noob: wat r u doing

Ben4808: Picking all this back up, since you made me drop it.

*i: Screw that in and... what are you doing? Stay out of the way! Who are you, anyway?

Noob: ur mom!!!!1111!!!!!!!! lol pwnage!!!111!!!!!!11!

Wise Man rolls his eyes.

Wise Man: That was the stupidest insult I've heard in a long time.

*i: Good-bye, noob.

The noob is banned in a puff of smoke. Randomizer summons some barium. Zorro revives Sir David.

Nikki: Mysterious Man, want to go hunt the thing with me?

Mysterious Man: Only if you bring me a beer. No, scratch that. Bring me an entire six-pack.

Nikki walks off and returns a moment later with the beer. He hands it to Mysterious Man. Mysterious Man starts to get up. Then sits back down and opens the first beer.

Mysterious Man: Ha! I can't believe you fell for that! I'm not going anywhere. Now run along.

Nikki: But you... oh, never mind. Alorael, will you help me hunt down the thing?

Alorael: No. I'm busy writing a letter.

Nikki: A letter? What for?

Alorael: It has come to my attention that countless pedestrians are injured every year after tripping on uneven sidewalks. I'm trying to allocate funds to fix that.

Zephyr Tempest summons some meitnerium. Zorro revives the Almighty Do-er of Stuff.

Zephyr Tempest: Energy potion, please.

Dikiyoba hands Zephyr Tempest an energy potion. Zephyr Tempest drinks it.

Nikki: TM, would you...

Terror's Martyr: Shut the [censored] up and go away, you [censored] little [censored]!

Nikki: Guess not.

Spring makes an adjustment to a piece of exposed machinery. Sproing! A spring shoots out of the machinery and rolls across the floor.

Spring: Oops.

Spring starts searching for the spring. Randomizer summons some antimony. Zorro revives Jewels.

Nikki: Hey, Spring. Do you want to come hunt for the thing with me?

Spring: I'm trying to find a spring at the moment.

Nikki: Isn't there anyone who will volunteer to help me?

Stew Boy: I'll volunteer. What do you need help with?

Nikki: Well, there's this thing. And it's... well, it's... it's hard to describe, beyond the fact that it’s a thing that attacks people. I'm trying to hunt it down.

Stew Boy: Doesn't that make it dangerous?

Nikki: Only if you're alone.

Sir David: A hunt? I would like to join you as well. Give me a moment to find my sword.

Sir David walks off. Zeviz summons some mercury. He gives it to Zorro. Zorro revives Dareva. Sir David comes back with a flaming longsword.

Sir David: I'm ready.

Nikki, Stew Boy, and Sir David exit. Spring finally finds the spring and attaches it again. *i finishes some wiring. He looks over the antimatter machine. At best, it is extremely crude. At worst, it violates all known laws of physics and probably several unknown ones as well.

*i: It'll have to do. Hydrogen, please.

Zephyr Tempest summons some hydrogen and hands a bottle of it to *i. *i dumps it into the machine and turns it on. After several anxious moments, the end result is a few atoms of antihydrogen. But Zorro is so skilled by now that he can combine the atoms with Galactic Core with no problem. Student of Trinity is revived.

Scene 2: Exile Trilogy Forum

Scene 2: Exile Trilogy Forum Dikiyoba Mon, 04/02/2007 - 19:22
Drakefyre, Kelandon, Marlenny, Lord Grimm, the Silent Assassin, Fatman, Slartucker, and Nicothodes enter. Kelandon pulls out a set of binoculars and scans the forum.

Kelandon: I don't see the thing here.

Marlenny: I can't believe that we've come this far without seeing the thing.

Fatman: Do we even know what the thing looks like?

Drakefyre: Not exactly, but I know we'll recognize it when we see it.

Nicothodes: And then I'll stab it!

Slartucker: I bet I know why we haven't seen the thing yet. It's because we're in a group.

Fatman: Yeah. We should use the Silent Assassin as bait to attract the thing.

Lord Grimm looks furious.

Lord Grimm: Hey! You can't use my brother as bait!

The Silent Assassin makes a few emphatic gestures. Lord Grimm sighs.

Lord Grimm: Unless, of course, he gives you his permission. Which he does.

Marlenny: That's all well and good, but what will we do when the thing show up?

Nicothodes: Stab it!

Drakefyre: We can handle it, I'm sure. Now, find a place to hide.

Everyone else hides, while the Silent Assassin waits in the open. Several minutes pass.

The thing: Rtyujm!

The thing suddenly appears in its full incomprehensible and indescribable horror. Drakefyre and Kelandon are momentarily overwhelmed.

Drakefyre: My eyes!

Kelandon: My ears!

Drakefyre closes his eyes and Kelandon covers his ears. Fatman doesn't seem concerned at all.

Fatman: Huh. So that's what the thing looks like.

Slartucker: This is ridiculous! I can see the thing, but I can't make any sense of it whatsoever. How am I supposed to cast a spell on it?

Nicothodes: Just take your best guess.

Nicothodes runs forward to stab the thing. Slartucker jumps out from his hiding place.

Lord Grimm: Slarty, Nico, get out of the way! I can't throw a reaperdisk when you're so close to the thing!

Nicothodes: Just let me stab it once!

The thing: Nzdscp!

Nicothodes: Wha...?

Nicothodes' stab goes wide as she falls over unconscious.

Slartucker: Udder des... ow! My arm!

Slartucker stares at the mechanical pencil-caused gash in his arm. Drakefyre and Kelandon finally recover and step forward.

Drakefyre: Kill!

The thing is thrown to the ground by a huge bolt of magical energy.

The thing: Ubkjnm zlqwrp!

The thing is hit by another spell from Drakefyre. Temporarily defeated, the thing slithers off quickly.

Kelandon: That wasn't too bad. At least we know what we're up against now.

Marlenny: Are you kidding? Nicothodes is down and Slartucker is injured. I don't see how it could have been any worse.

Fatman: Well, I can.

Fatman points to Lord Grimm, lying unconscious on the ground. The Silent Assassin is kneeling beside him, trying to wake him up. Lord Grimm opens his eyes and sits up. He opens his mouth to speak... and no sound comes out.

Kelandon: Oh, great. Now neither one of them can talk.

Nicothodes stands up as well. She picks up her mechanical pencil and brushes the dirt off it carefully.

Marlenny: How are you, Nicothodes?

Nicothodes glares at Marlenny.

Nicothodes: I'm fine! Why wouldn't I be fine?! Huh?

Marlenny: It was only a question! No need to get nasty.

Slartucker: Uh, can we go back now? I'm injured.

Fatman: Don't you know some sort of healing spell?

Slartucker: No, the closest thing I have is Cure Parasite.

Drakefyre: Fatman, Nicothodes, help Slartucker back to the Tech Support Forum so Ephesos can heal him.

Slartucker, Fatman, and Nicothodes exit.

Drakefyre: Lord Grimm, Silent Assassin, would you rather turn back or go on?

Lord Grimm and the Silent Assassin point at the ground, indicating their desire to stay.

Drakefyre: Good. Now, it looks like the thing headed for the Blades of Exile Forum. Let's go there.

Drakefyre, Kelandon, Marlenny, Lord Grimm, and the Silent Assassin exit.

Scene 3: Tech Support Forum

Scene 3: Tech Support Forum Dikiyoba Mon, 04/02/2007 - 19:23
*i puts some helium through the antimatter machine. Zorro quickly combines the few molecules of antihelium with Galactic Core and revives Delicious Vlish. Delicious Vlish wiggles his tentacles experimentally.

Delicious Vlish: Now this is exciting!

*i: That wasn't too bad. It only took two tries. Now, are there any others?

Arancaytar: Yes. Rakshasi has antigallium.

*i: Antigallium? Hmm. It could take a while to get some of that.

Zephyr Tempest summons some molybdenum. Zorro combines it with Galactic Core and revives Inthrall.

Student of Trinity: Since no one should go out alone, does anyone want to go to one of the game forums with me?

Dareva: Why? What do you need?

Student of Trinity: I need to gather some rocks.

Ben4808: For what?

Student of Trinity: As part of my new philosophy: when life gives you noobs, chuck rocks. You never know when life will throw a few noobs your way!

Ephesos: I'm almost out of herbs to make more energy potions, so Dikiyoba and I need to go to the Blades of Avernum Forum to gather some more.

Student of Trinity: Great! Perhaps I will pick up a sling as well.

Ephesos, Student of Trinity, and Dikiyoba exit.

Infernal666hate: Eye with got Geneforge demo-sleeve.

Infernal666hate picks up the three pieces of demonslayer and exits. Zeviz summons some einsteinium. Zorro revives Enraged Slith. Enraged Slith looks slightly blue and shakes violently after spending so long in the Miscellaneous Forum.

Enraged Slith: S... so c... cold...

Nick Ringer, Order Mage, Mr. Bookworm, Major, and a newb enter from the General Forum. Nick Ringer is carrying a few cans of beer. He walks over to Mysterious Man.

Nick Ringer: Were you the one who called me up and requested these?

Mysterious Man: Yes, but you're a little late. I already have some.

Nick Ringer: Oh well. I guess you won't mind if I drink them then.

Mysterious Man: Not at all.

GoldenKing walks over to them with a bottle of skribbane.

GoldenKing: one botle ov skribbane wont hurt naything

Order Mage: What's up, everyone? Why are you all here instead of in the General Forum?

The teenage fluffy turtle enters and bites Order Mage's ankle.

Order Mage: Ow! All right, all right. Here's my sanity.

The teenage fluffy turtle looks askance at the tiny slip of sanity it is offered. It eats it in one bite and then trots over to Major.

Major: What do you want? Oh, my sanity.

The Almighty Do-er of Stuff catches sight of the teenage fluffy turtle eating Major's sanity.

The Almighty Do-er of Stuff: One did survive! What shall I name it?

The teenage fluffy turtle trots over to the newb. The newb gives it his sanity. Order Mage hops over to Nick Ringer, holding his injured foot.

Order Mage: Why isn't the fluffy turtle biting your ankle?

Nick Ringer: Mr. Bookworm and I gave the fluffy turtle our sanities in the General Forum.

Order Mage rolls his eyes.

Order Mage: Well, good for you.

Randomizer drinks an energy potion and then summons some zinc, letting Zorro revive Desert Pl@h.

The Almighty Do-er of Stuff: I know! The fluffy turtle will be named Inspector Walnut!

Zephyr Tempest summons some gallium and hands it to *i. *i puts the gallium into the antimatter machine and turns it on. The machine grinds to a halt only halfway through the process. *i sighs, picks up a few tools and starts working on the machine.

*i: If you're not doing anything, you should go help clean up the Announcements Forum.

Lazarus: But...

Mysterious Man: Let's just go.

Mysterious Man stands up, picks up the beer, and exits. Most of the Spiderwebbers follow. Only Alorael (who is still writing the letter), the mages, *i, and Zorro remain.

Scene 4: Avernum 4 Forum

Scene 4: Avernum 4 Forum Dikiyoba Mon, 04/02/2007 - 19:24
About the time that Delicious Vlish is revived in the Tech Support Forum, Nikki, Stew Boy, Sir David, and Tyranicus enter the Avernum 4 Forum. Tyranicus is carrying a bow.

Nikki: Thanks for coming with us, Tyranicus.

Tyranicus: It beats having to clean up the Announcements Forum. I just hope I don't miss seeing Jumpin' Salmon snipe Bomber and Lord Llama. He's threatened to do so four times already.

Nikki: Now, where should we start looking for the thing at?

Stew Boy: The lowest level of this forum. I imagine that the thing likes to hide in dark places.

Tyranicus: Sounds good.

Nikki, Sir David, Tyranicus, and Stew Boy climb down to the lowest level.

Nikki: It's really dark down here. How will we see anything?

Sir David draws his flaming sword. The flames provide just enough light to light up the passage.

Sir David: Shall we move on?

Nikki: Yes, let's start searching.

While Nikki, Sir David, Stew Boy, and Tyranicus search for the thing on the lowest level, Ephesos, Dikiyoba, and Student of Trinity enter on the main level. Infernal666hate also enters and starts looking for an anvil and the tools necessary to reforge demonslayer. Ephesos and Dikiyoba try to walk through the forum as quickly as possible, but they often have to stop and wait for Student of Trinity. Student of Trinity keeps pausing to pick up rocks.

Ephesos: Come on, Student of Trinity. There will be plenty of time for you to collect rocks in the Blades of Avernum Forum.

Student of Trinity: Can't you collect herbs here instead?

Ephesos: I would, except that it's too dark to see anything easily.

Student of Trinity: All right. I'm coming.

Ephesos, Dikiyoba, and Student of Trinity exit. Infernal666hate finds a small forge and starts searching for tools. Everything is available except for a pair of tongs.

Infernal666hate: Y in their ever an pear on tons hen ewe near then?

After several minutes of searching, Infernal666hate gives up and picks up a set of pincers instead.

Infernal666hate: Clue efreet.

Back in the lowest level, Sir David rounds a bend in the passageway. Nikki halts uncertainly.

Nikki: Hey! Where's Stew Boy?

Nikki and Tyranicus turn and look back.

Stew Boy: I'm right here.

Nikki: Don't lag behind so much or the thing might get you.

Nikki rounds the corner and promptly trips over Sir David, lying unconscious on the ground. Nikki scrambles up.

Nikki: Sir David?

Tyranicus pulls out his bow and looks around.

Tyranicus: He was only ahead of us for a moment. How could the thing strike so quickly?

Sir David wakes up and gets to his feet.

Sir David: \/\/|-|47 |-|4993|\|3|)?

Nikki: You were attacked by the thing.

Sir David: 0|-|.

Sir David picks up his flaming sword.

Tyranicus: Now what?

Nikki: We keep searching, I guess.

Scene 5: Blades of Avernum Forum

Scene 5: Blades of Avernum Forum Dikiyoba Mon, 04/02/2007 - 19:26
Ephesos, Dikiyoba, and Student of Trinity enter. Student of Trinity stoops to examine a rock.

Student of Trinity: This is a nice rock.

Dikiyoba: What's that over there?

Dikiyoba points to three figures entering from the other side of the forum. Ephesos watches them for a moment.

Ephesos: It looks like Fatman... and Nicothodes... and Slartucker. Is he injured?

Ephesos runs over. Dikiyoba follows. Student of Trinity looks up from the rock.

Student of Trinity: Hey! Wait up!

Student of Trinity follows them. He catches up as Ephesos casts a healing spell on Slartucker.

Slartucker: Thank you!

Ephesos: How did the hunt go? Not so good, I take it.

Fatman: Eh, whatever.

Slartucker: The thing got Lord Grimm and I got stabbed.

Nicothodes: Oh, shut up. It was an accident.

Dikiyoba: Nicothodes isn't as cheerful as Dikiyoba remem...

Nicothodes: I said, SHUT UP!

Slartucker: And Nicothodes was attacked by the thing as well.

Nicothodes: Hmmph.

Dikiyoba: Dikiyoba never thought Dikiyoba would hear Nicothodes talk like that.

Nicothodes: That's because you're just STUPID!

Ephesos: It looks like Nicothodes was transformed into a flamer.

Slartucker: Yes, that's what I figured too.

Fatman: Nicothodes is a flamer? Does that mean that if she gets hit hard enough, she will explode?

Nicothodes: TRY IT AND I'LL STAB YOU, FREAK!

Fatman looks at the rock that Student of Trinity is holding.

Student of Trinity: You know, I think this might be a rough dia... hey!

Fatman grabs the rock and tosses it at Nicothodes. The rock bounces off harmlessly.

Nicothodes: DIE!

Nicothodes chases after Fatman with her mechanical pencil held ready. The others watch.

Nicothodes: I'LL KILL YOU!

Fatman: Help!

Ephesos: I have no sympathy.

Slartucker: Even when she's homicidal, she's cute.

Student of Trinity: Shouldn't someone do something?

Ephesos: If Fatman is injured, I'll heal him. Otherwise, I'm collecting the herbs I need to make more energy potions.

Ephesos walks off. Dikiyoba follows.

Student of Trinity: Aha! There's a sling!

Student of Trinity picks it up. Fatman and Nicothodes run by again.

Fatman: Someone help me! She's psycho!

Nicothodes: I'LL KI... wha?

Nicothodes halts as a rock flies through the air just over her head. Student of Trinity quickly hides the sling behind his back. Fatman hides behind a rock. Nicothodes looks around.

Nicothodes: ALL RIGHT, WHERE'D HE GO?

Student of Trinity: Is he really worth worrying about?

Nicothodes thinks for a moment.

Nicothodes: I suppose you're right. But Fatman had better WATCH OUT!

Nicothodes, Student of Trinity, and Slartucker walk away. Fatman peers over the rock. As he is about to stand up, he senses something behind him. He looks behind him. The thing is there.

Fatman: Oh, great. I just knew this was going to happen eventually.

Fatman blacks out. He wakes up sometime later when he hears Slartucker calling.

Slartucker: Fatman! Where'd you go?

Student of Trinity: I think I saw him last in this area.

Nicothodes: But he's stupid. Let's just leave him.

Fatman stands up.

Fatman: im hear

Slartucker: I guess you've been attacked by the thing.

Fatman: yes wear r ephesos adn dikiyoba

Slartucker: I think they're just over that hill.

Suddenly, they hear Ephesos yell.

Ephesos: What!

Slartucker: What could have happened now?

Student of Trinity: Come on. Let's find out.

Slartucker, Nicothodes, Fatman, and Student of Trinity hurry over the hill. Ephesos is looking at an unconscious Dikiyoba.

Slartucker: What happened?

Ephesos: I only had my back turned for a moment! A moment!

Student of Trinity: It seems that a moment is all the time the thing needs.

Dikiyoba regains consciousness and stands up.

Dikiyoba: Dmknoiygba is fine. At least, Dxtrgrtba thinks that Dbkhgvyfa is fine.

Slartucker looks around nervously.

Slartucker: Clearly, we are no longer safe even in small groups. Do you have enough herbs for a while, Ephesos?

Ephesos: Yes. Let's get out of here.

Slartucker, Nicothodes, Dikiyoba, Fatman, Ephesos, and Student of Trinity exit.

Act 7

Act 7 Dikiyoba Mon, 04/02/2007 - 19:28
The thing gives the Spiderwebbers a lesson in possessives...

Scene 1: Announcements Forum

Scene 1: Announcements Forum Dikiyoba Mon, 04/02/2007 - 19:28
The forum is almost completely cleaned up, and many of the Spiderwebbers are starting to goof off. Thuryl and Erika Maroonmark are exchanging puns. Dintiradan is plotting his evil comeback. He sniggers as he jots an idea down.

Dintiradan: its ingenous! teribl speling iz a grat way 2 tak over teh wolrd!

GoldenKing, Nick Ringer, and Mysterious Man are still drinking. GoldenKing is watching the forum entrance to make sure Alorael doesn't enter. Nick Ringer drops an empty bottle and picks up a new one.

Mysterious Man: That's your third one... how many are you going to drink?

Nick Ringer: Just enough to make playing Geneforge really fun.

Order Mage decides that it is too quiet and clears his throat.

Order Mage: You know who the greatest person in the world is? Hitl...

Order Mage, sensing some hidden danger, stops speaking and looks up. Jumpin' Salmon is sitting on a ledge near the top of the forum. He has the sniper rifle aimed directly at Order Mage.

Order Mage: ...Jumpin' Salmon. Yes, Jumpin' Salmon is the greatest person in the world.

Wise Man looks up at Jumpin' Salmon.

Wise Man: No way! How did you get Alorael's sniper rifle?

Jumpin' Salmon: I was the first one to ask for it.

Wise Man: Can I just hold it?

Jumpin' Salmon: Sure, if you can get up here.

Wise Man: How did you get up there?

Jumpin' Salmon: I jumped.

Wise Man: I should have guessed.

Wise Man begins climbing up to the ledge. Arancaytar, having finished the blueprints for the new moderator board, is adding many new features to the stats. MagmaDragoon walks over to Nick Ringer.

Nick Ringer: Hey, Magma. What do you want?

MagmaDragoon: I want to go to the Geneforge Forum to check on something. Will you come with me?

Nick Ringer: Sure thing!

Nick Ringer staggers upright. MagmaDragoon looks confused.

MagmaDragoon: No, I don't want the thing to appear. That's why I want you to come with me.

GoldenKing: teh geneforce fourm hmm canisters adn skribbane taht wood b fun

MagmaDragoon, Nick Ringer, and GoldenKing exit. Thralni and Snafta are discussing whether or not the chicken gods can fly.

Snafta: They're chickens. Chickens can't fly.

Thalni: but there almighty gods they cann due hatever theey wan incuding flying witch they would do becaus flyinng s cool.

Snafta: But their chickens! Thralni, your... your... you are making me mess up two! Er, too.

Thralni: sory

Ephesos, Slartucker, Nicothodes, Fatman, Student of Trinity, and Dikiyoba enter. Ephesos and Dikiyoba continue into the Tech Support Forum. The other Spiderwebbers crowd around Slartucker, Fatman, and Nicothodes.

Spring: Did you see the thing?

Fatman: yes

Spring: What did it look like?

Slartucker shakes his head.

Slartucker: I can't even begin to describe it.

Wise Man finally reaches the ledge and sits down next to Jumpin' Salmon.

Wise Man: Okay, let me see the rifle.

Jumpin' Salmon gives the rifle to Wise Man. Down below, the conversation about the thing continues.

Dareva: The thing isn't the ghost of the ur-noob, is it?

Ben4808: No, it doesn't sound like the ur-noob at all.

Archmage Alex: Did the thing look like this?

Archmage Alex holds up a cartoon of a creature with many, many tentacles.

Slartucker: No, it didn't look anything like that.

Archmage Alex: How about this?

Archmage Alex holds up a cartoon of red eyes staring out of the shadows.

Slartucker: The thing is not Arctic Wolf!

Archmage Alex: How about this?

Archmage Alex holds up a picture of a zombie muffin.

Slartucker: No, that's not it either.

Archmage Alex: Then I'm all out of cartoons and the thing isn't among them!

Lord Llama: ur al wierd

Jumpin' Salmon: Okay, that's it!

Jumpin' Salmon grabs the sniper rifle back from Wise Man and aims it at Lord Llama. Before he can fire, however, Arancaytar steps forward, right in front of Lord Llama.

Jumpin' Salmon: Dam it!

Arancaytar: Now that the Announcements Forum is cleaned up, we should...

Ben4808: Go to the RWG Forum and spam?

Arancaytar: No, we should...

Spring: We are not going to go clean up the Avernum 4 Forum. We've been working ever since we've been revived. That's not what these message boards are about. I say we go hang out in the general forum instead!

Ben4808: That would work well too.

Spring exits. All the other Spiderwebbers spend a moment thinking about the suggestion and then follow, even Arancaytar. Only Jumpin' Salmon and Wise Man are left.

Wise Man: So, how do we get down?

Jumpin' Salmon: The same way you got up.

Jumpin' Salmon jumps down. Wise Man starts to climb down.

Wise Man: Watch out for the thing. If it gets me now, I'm in trouble.

Jumpin' Salmon: I'm watching for it.

Wise Man: Good.

Wise Man concentrates on searching for his next handhold. The thing crawls out of a corner.

Jumpin' Salmon: I see the thing!

Jumpin' Salmon aims the rifle at the thing and fires. The bullet passes right through it.

Jumpin' Salmon: What? Nothing should be able to stand against Alorael's sniper rifle!

The thing: Hvgf!

Jumpin' Salmon falls over unconscious. Wise Man slips and falls. Fortunately, he is low enough that he isn't hurt by the fall.

The thing: Knbctr!

Wise Man loses consciousness as well. After a short time, both Jumpin' Salmon and Wise Man wake up. The thing is nowhere to be seen. Jumpin' Salmon picks up the sniper rifle.

Jumpin' Salmon: so wat hapened too u

Wise Man: 7|-|12 12 20 14|\/|3.

Jumpin' Salmon: no kiding oh wel

Jumpin' Salmon and Wise Man exit.

Scene 2: Tech Support Forum

Scene 2: Tech Support Forum Dikiyoba Mon, 04/02/2007 - 19:32
*i is still trying to repair the antimatter machine. Dikiyoba and Ephesos are making more energy potions. The mages are taking a break after using up all their spell points again. Kingy, Smoo, Niemand, and Wonko the Sane have been revived from beryllium, strontium, niobium, and ununquadium.

Niemand: There has to be a way to script an automated element summoner. It would be a lot more efficient than casting the summon element spell all the time.

Alorael: Finished!

Kingy: Finished with what?

Alorael: My letter about improving sidewalk conditions so that fewer pedestrians are injured, of course.

Wonko the Sane: You feel bad about sniping injured pedestrians, then?

Kingy: Wait... where's your skribbane and sniper rifle?

Alorael: I gave them up.

Wonko the Sane: What have we missed that we need to know about?

Zeviz: Basically, the thing managed to attack Alorael...

Alorael: Please. It's Aloreal.

Randomizer: Oh no, it's getting worse.

Zeviz: ...through a bottle of skribban, and now Alorael...

Alorael: It's Aloreal!

Zeviz: ...is clearly not himself.

Kingy: Yeah, clearly. So, has anyone tried pouring a bottle of skribbane down his throat to see if that returns him to normal?

Alorael: Hey!

Zeviz: Um, no.

Kingy: Let's try it. Does anyone have any skribbane?

Zephyr Tempest: Nope.

Kingy: Come on, Wonko. Let's go look for some.

Kingy and Wonko the Sane exit. There is a loud snap from the antimatter machine. *i stands up, holding half a broken pipe in each hand.

*i: Well, I have to replace that piece now.

*i exits.

Scene 3: Avernum 4 Forum

Scene 3: Avernum 4 Forum Dikiyoba Mon, 04/02/2007 - 19:33
Nikki, Sir David, Stew Boy, and Tyranicus are still searching the Avernum 4 Forum.

Nikki: Nothing. We've probably been searching for hours and we haven't seen the thing since it attacked Sir David.

Stew Boy: Actually, we didn't see it then, either.

There is a scuttling noise from behind them. Tyranicus whirls around with his bow held ready.

Tyranicus: Who's there?

Filth Finder: It's just me and Garbage Gatherer.

Tyranicus puts his bow away. Sir David holds up his flaming sword in an attempt to get some light on them. The two GIFTC simply scuttle further back into the shadows.

Nikki: What are you doing here?

Garabage Gatherer: We've come to tell you that you won't defeat the thing this way. In fact, if you were to meet the thing now, it would defeat you.

Tyranicus: Are we supposed to do nothing, then?

Filth Finder: No, of course not.

Stew Boy: So, how do we defeat the thing?

Garbage Gatherer: I don't know. I trust that you will find a way, but this isn't it. Well, we've said what we wanted to say. Goodbye and good luck!

Filth Finder and Garbage Gatherer scuttle away.

Tyranicus: That was odd.

Nikki: Yes, very odd.

Sir David: |\|0\/\/ \/\/|-|47?

Stew Boy: Perhaps we should find Drakefyre and the other group and see what they think?

Tyranicus: It can't hurt.

Nikki: But... well, okay, I suppose so.

On the main level, Wonko the Sane and Kingy enter. They practically bump into Infernal666hate.

Infernal666hate: Lock watt eye hovel!

Infernal666hate holds up the newly reforged demonslayer.

Kingy: Wow. You did that yourself?

Infernal666hate: Yet.

Wonko the Sane: Now what are you going to do?

Infernal666hate: Eye doughnut no. Rejoice then Othello, eye surprise.

Wonko the Sane: Have you seen GoldenKing around here? I think he has Alorael's skribbane.

Infernal666hate: Yet. His it then Jeansforce Foreman.

Kingy: Thanks.

Kingy and Wonko the Sane exit into the Geneforge Forum. Infernal666hate exits into the Announcements Forum. A few moments later, Nikki, Tyranicus, Stew Boy, and Sir David climb up to the main level and exit into the Geneforge Series Forum.

Scene 4: Tech Support Forum

Scene 4: Tech Support Forum Dikiyoba Mon, 04/02/2007 - 19:36
The mages are still waiting for the energy potions to be completed. Finally...

Dikiyoba: Dnbvkwqa has completed a few energy potions.

Zephyr Tempest: Great.

Zephyr Tempest drinks a potion and summons some radium. Zorro revives Archmagus Micael.

Archmagus Micael: What are you doing? Can I help?

Zephyr Tempest: Sure!

Zephyr Tempest teaches Archmagus Micael the spell. Ephesos frowns.

Ephesos: Is anyone else bothered by the fact that Zephyr Tempest is teaching Archmagus Micael the summoning spell?

Archmagus Micael: Relax. It's a simple spell. What could go wrong?

Archmagus Micael attempts the spell. A demon is summoned instead of an element.

Archmagus Micael: Oops.

Alorael: Ahhh! A demon!

Alorael hides. Zorro grabs both copies of Galactic Core and hides as well.

Ephesos: I knew something was going to happen. Repel...

The demon shoots a bolt of magical energy at Ephesos. Ephesos is knocked down. He stands back up, looking dumbfounded.

Ephesos: Who am I? Where am I? What is that thing?

Randomizer: It's a mung demon! Spray acid!

As the mung demon is covered in a cloud of acid, it summons a haakai to help it out.

Zephyr Tempest: Not again!

The mung demon dumbfounds Randomizer.

Niemand: I wonder how fast I can create a script that will automatically kill demons.

The haakai casts forcecage on Niemand. Archmagus Micael dodges a dumbfounding ray.

Archmagus Micael: Ice lances!

Zephyr Tempest: Ice lances! Help us, Zeviz! Ice..

Zephyr Tempest is hit by a dumbfounding ray. The mung demon finally succumbs to the combination of cold and acid.

Zeviz: I would, but I don't have any spell points left at all!

Dikiyoba grabs an energy potion and runs toward Zeviz. The haakai casts forcecage on Dikiyoba.

Archmagus Micael: Ice lances! Arghh!

Archmagus Micael is hit by a fireblast spell. He falls to the ground.

Archmagus Micael: Ephesos! Help me! I'm injured!

Ephesos: Who's Ephesos?

Smoo: Sorry, Micael, but Ephesos doesn't even know his name at the moment, let alone a healing spell.

The haakai casts forcecage on Smoo. Infernal666hate enters with the newly repaired demonslayer. The haakai doesn't see her yet. Zeviz distracts the haakai by making a break for the energy potions, allowing Infernal666hate to charge forward and run the haakai through.

Infernal666hate: Dye!

The haakai dies. Niemand, Dikiyoba, and Smoo break free of the forcecages. Zorro and Alorael emerge from hiding.

Zeviz: What can we do for Archmagus Micael?

Zephyr Tempest: Archmagus Micael? Who is he? And who are you?

Dikiyoba: Dbjhvdfya will make a healing potion.

Dikiyoba starts mixing a healing potion.

Zeviz: I suppose we just have to wait for the dumbfounding effect to wear off. Unless anyone has an unshackling crystal?

Ephesos: Unshackling crystal? What's that?

Dikiyoba hands a healing potion to Archmagus Micael. He drinks it and stands up.

Archmagus Micael: Thank you!

Ephesos: Wait... I think I know who I am again.

Zorro: Good. You can cast unshackle mind on the dumbfounded mages and we can get back to reviving Spiderwebbers again. I want to be able to play Galactic Core, not just revive people with it.

Scene 5: Geneforge Series Forum

Scene 5: Geneforge Series Forum Dikiyoba Mon, 04/02/2007 - 19:37
MagmaDragoon, Nick Ringer, and GoldenKing enter. GoldenKing wanders off to find a canister. Nick Ringer leans on an obelisk.

Nick Ringer: So, whadya you want me to do?

MagmaDragoon: Just stay there and watch out for the thing.

Nick Ringer: Gotcha.

Nick Ringer opens his fourth beer as he scans the forum. MagmaDragoon checks to make sure that Nick Ringer isn't watching him. Then he pulls out a key and unlocks a small chest. He sighs when he sees all the coins inside.

MagmaDragoon: Ah! My precious treasure is still safe.

MagmaDragoon quickly closes the chest, relocks it, and tucks the key back into his pocket. Nick Ringer tosses aside the empty bottle.

Nick Ringer: Ya know what Geneforge needs?

MagmaDragoon: No. What?

Nick Ringer: Male agents. In fact, I think I'll become the first one.

Nick Ringer points at MagmaDragoon.

Nick Ringer: Daze! You're dazed! Heehee. You can't do anything to me now!

MagmaDragoon looks bewildered.

MagmaDragoon: What do you mean?

Nick Ringer: Exactly! You can't catch me... I'm an agent! Whee!

Nick Ringer runs tipsily around the forum.

Nick Ringer: Daze again! Nothing can touch me! Haha.

MagmaDragoon: What's wrong with you?

Nick Ringer: Nothing. I'm...

Nick Ringer smashes headfirst into the obelisk, knocking himself out.

MagmaDragoon: Oh no. Now the thing could get me.

The thing: Hvct!

MagmaDragoon turns and sees the thing. He pulls out a sword.

MagmaDragoon: You aren't going to get me!

MagmaDragoon charges toward the thing.

The thing: Bvtr!

MagmaDragoon stumbles over the corpse of a noob and falls to the ground. The thing knocks him unconscious before he can rise. GoldenKing doesn't notice any of this. Instead, he carefully breaks off the top of a canister. He pours a skribbane potion into the charged essence and watches the two liquids swirl together.

GoldenKing: aura of flams adn skribbane wat a good combinaton

GoldenKing plunges his hand into the essence and cackles madly.

GoldenKing: mor powr hahaha!

Kingy and Wonko the Sane enter at the same time that MagmaDragoon sits up.

MagmaDragoon: The where's thing? Are and you here what doing?

Wonko the Sane: Looking for GoldenKing. Have you seen him? And are you all right?

MagmaDragoon: There he's over. I'm and fine.

MagmaDragoon points towards GoldenKing. Wonko the Sane and Kingy walk over to him.

GoldenKing: hay! wat r u doing hear go away!

Kingy: Could we get a bottle of skribbane?

GoldenKing: no! its my skribbane! mine!

Wonko the Sane edges towards the bag of skribbane while Kingy keeps GoldenKing distracted.

Kingy: But we only want one bottle. You can keep the rest. And we need the skribbane for a good cause.

GoldenKing: no caus is beter than mine

Wonko the Sane takes a bottle of skribbane out of the bag without alerting GoldenKing and starts to back away.

Kingy: Look, we just want one freaking bottle to help Alorael...

GoldenKing: aloreal! aloreal! how dar u help aloreal! lets see... flams... no thats not it... flems... no thats not it either...

Kingy: Do you mean flames?

GoldenKing: yes thats rite... aura of flames!

Wonko the Sane and Kingy are both hit by the flames that erupt around GoldenKing. Badly burned, Kingy collapses. Wonko the Sane was a little further from GoldenKing, so he staggers back, scorched but not too injured.

Wonko the Sane: Are you absolutely out of your mind!?

MagmaDragoon picks up his sword and jumps up.

MagmaDragoon: Hey! That you do can't!

GoldenKing: Its my skribbane! adn my canisters! mine! al mine!

Suddenly, GoldenKing stops yelling and starts coughing. Wonko the Sane grabs Kingy and drags him away from GoldenKing and towards a healing pool. Nick Ringer sits up, rubbing his head.

Nick Ringer: wats hapening

GoldenKing stops coughing abruptly. There is a strange gleam in his eyes.

GoldenKing: Wrzvtpx! Yrtgh mjqe!

Wonko the Sane: GoldenKing's been completely possessed by the thing!

GoldenKing turns and sweeps out of the forum and into the Blades of Avernum Forum. Wonko the Sane manages to pull Kingy next to the healing pool. After a few moments, Kingy is completely healed.

MagmaDragoon: Do now do what we?

Wonko the Sane: Rejoin the others. They need to know what happened to GoldenKing. Besides, I have a bottle of skribbane now. Perhaps that will be enough to return Alorael to normal.

Wonko the Sane, Kingy, MagmaDragoon, and Nick Ringer exit.

Act 8

Act 8 Dikiyoba Sun, 04/15/2007 - 03:07
The thing's power continues to grow...

Scene 1: General Forum

Scene 1: General Forum Dikiyoba Sun, 04/15/2007 - 03:08
The Spiderwebbers all lounge around, doing whatever they want. Wise Man and Jumpin' Salmon are as high up as they can get, watching for Bomber and Lord Llama to reappear.

Spring: See? Isn't this much better than working?

Terror's Martyr: It still sucks.

Ben4808: I told you we should have gone to the RWG Forum to spam.

Terror's Martyr: That would suck even worse, you [censored] [censored]!

Ben4808: Hey! Don't call me that!

Mr. Bookworm looks up from the book he is reading, sighs, and resumes reading.

Terror's Martyr: I'll call you whatever I want. [Censored]!

Terror's Martyr shoves Ben4808.

Jewels: TM, no!

Ben4808 loses his balance, cracks his head against the wall, and falls unconscious to the ground.

Jewels: That wasn't nice. Now the thing will make him speak entirely in noob.

Alec: Don't be ridiculous. The thing can't attack in such a large gr...

Alec suddenly keels over.

Terror's Martyr: What the [cen...

Terror's Martyr, too, falls over unconscious. Sudden silence descends upon the forum as everyone turns to look.

Spring: But... but how?

Dareva: Does this mean the thing can strike from wherever it wants now?

Major: We're all going to die!

Major runs screaming for the exit out of the message boards, pushing people out of the way as he goes.

Delicious Vlish: Ow! You just stepped on one of my tentacles!

Major crashes into The Lurker, but keeps running.

The Lurker: Hey!

Major reaches to pull the door open, but the door is suddenly thrown wide open by someone from the other side. Major is pinned between the door and the wall. Robinator walks in boldly, followed by VCH and Meeshka.

Robinator: Hey, everyone. How's it going?

Imban: Not well.

Robinator: Has it been that boring without me? I will do my best to liven things up!

VCH: Yeah!

Imban: No, the boards are being attacked.

Robinator: And you're just standing around?! Come on, let's defend it!

Robinator picks up a sword and waves it in the air.

Robinator: Where's the attack coming from? I'll teach the thing not to attack us!

Lazarus: The thing can strike from anywhere.

Robinator: Anywhere? How can it strike from...

Robinator suddenly falls over unconscious, almost landing on his sword.

Meeshka: What just happened? Hey! There's something trying to bite my foot!

Almighty Do-er of Stuff: Oh, that's just a newly-hatched fluffy turtle. Inspector Walnut found it hiding in the fluffy turtle pit. It wants your sanity.

Meeshka: Am I supposed to give it some? Ow! That hurt!

Almighty Do-er of Stuff: Only if you want to keep that foot. Inspector Walnut! No! I'll take Robinator's sanity and give it to you. He needs his head still!

Meeshka and VCH give the baby fluffy turtle their sanities and the Almighty Do-er of Stuff gives Robinator's sanity to Inspector Walnut. Slartucker looks as though something is bothering him.

Arancaytar: What is it, Slartucker?

Slartucker: I'd like to speak with the Nine-Headed Cave Cow and get some advice. I can only do that when I am alone. But if I go anywhere alone, the thing will attack me, and then I will no longer be able to commoonicate with the Nine-Headed Cave Cow.

Arancaytar: So what are you going to do?

Slartucker: I will have to leave Spiderweb in order to speak with the Nine-Headed Cave Cow. I don't know when I'll be back. Good-bye.

Slartucker exits the message board. The door closes behind him, revealing a stunned-looking Major.

Major: Wghat ghappened? Everytghingh went black all of a sudden.

Jewels: You were hit by the door. And you must have been attacked by the thing as well.

Major: Ogh dangh.

Terror's Martyr and Alec both stand up.

Terror's Martyr: This trgmhjk sucks!

Alec opens his mouth to speak, but nothing comes out. He looks furious about it.

Scene 2: Nethergate Forum

Scene 2: Nethergate Forum Dikiyoba Sun, 04/15/2007 - 03:09
Nikki, Tyranicus, Stew Boy, and Sir David are walking through the forum.

Nikki: Drakefyre? Kelandon? Are you here?

The four Spiderwebbers pause and wait. There is no response.

Tyranicus: They're not here either.

Stew Boy: Then they must be in either the Richard White Games Forum or the SubTerra Forum. Wait... what was that?

Sir David: 17 (4|\/|3 |=50|\/| 0\/35 7|-|353

The four Spiderwebbers turn to look. Sir David and Tyranicus both have their weapons ready. GoldenKing stumbles into the forum. Tyranicus lowers his bow.

Tyranicus: Oh. It's just GoldenKing.

Stew Boy: Isn't this the Nethergate Forum, Tyranicus?

Tyranicus: Of course it is.

Stew Boy: Then why do you have that bow?

Tyranicus: The real Romans and Celts both used bows!

Stew Boy: But not the ones in Nethergate.

The bow vanishes out of Tyranicus's hands.

Tyranicus: Oh, great. Thanks a lot.

Nikki: What are you doing here, GoldenKing?

GoldenKing says nothing. Instead, he wanders over until he is standing right in front of Nikki.

Nikki: Hey! There's something funny about your eyes.

GoldenKing: Xmjjnmk!

Nikki falls over unconscious. Stew Boy sways a little, but remains standing.

Stew Boy: GoldenKing's been possessed by the thing!

In response, GoldenKing casts aura of flames. Sir David is far enough away to avoid the spell. Tyranicus is able to dodge the flames easily.

Tyranicus: Working with Aran on the portal came in useful after all.

Stew Boy throws himself on the ground, barely managing to avoid the flames. GoldenKing hurries forward and places a foot on Stew Boy's back, trapping him on the ground.

Stew Boy: Somebody do something!

Sir David starts to run forward with the flaming sword held ready, but halts as GoldenKing casts aura of flames again.

Tyranicus: I would, except that now that I need it, I no longer have a weapon! And it's your fault, too. Wait a second... aura of flames doesn't exist in Nethergate either!

The flames surrounding GoldenKing suddenly die out. Both Sir David and Tyranicus rush forward.

GoldenKing: Zhphwq!

Tyranicus: Argh!

Tyranicus and Sir David stumble back with their hands over their ears. Stew Boy passes out.

Sir David: 1372 637 0|_|7 0|= |-|353!!1!

Tyranicus: Good idea.

Sir David and Tyranicus exit.

Scene 3: SubTerra Forum

Scene 3: SubTerra Forum Dikiyoba Sun, 04/15/2007 - 03:11
Meanwhile, Drakefyre, Kelandon, Marlenny, Lord Grimm, and the Silent Assassin are exploring the SubTerra Forum.

Kelandon: We've searched every forum, and the thing hasn't made a reappearance. Where could it have gone?

The Silent Assassin points to a huge rip in the forum. After several moments go by without anyone noticing, he taps Marlenny on the shoulder. She turns and sees the rip as well.

Marlenny: What is that?

Everyone else turns and looks.

Drakefyre: That must be how the ur-noob and the noob army got in. It will have to be fixed as soon as possible.

Sir David and Tyranicus enter, both out of breath.

Kelandon: What are you two doing here?

Tyranicus: GoldenKing's been possessed by the thing!

Drakefyre: What? How?

Tyranicus: I don't know how. But I do know that he speaks like the thing, he knocked Nikki and Stew Boy unconscious, and he tried to cast aura of flames on us!

Drakefyre: Kelandon, Marlenny, go through that rip and see where it leads. Silent Assassin, Lord Grimm, follow me. I'll see what I can do about GoldenKing.

Tyranicus: He's in the Nethergate Forum.

Drakefyre, Lord Grimm, the Silent Assassin, Sir David, and Tyranicus exit. Kelandon and Marlenny look at the rip.

Marlenny: Where do you think it leads?

Kelandon: Let's find out.

Marlenny and Kelandon exit through the rip.

Scene 4: Nethergate Forum

Scene 4: Nethergate Forum Dikiyoba Sun, 04/15/2007 - 03:11
Nikki is standing along in the forum with a blank look on his face. Drakefyre, Tyranicus, Lord Grimm, Sir David, and the Silent Assassin enter.

Nikki: Hey! You... um... oh, I can't remember your names. In fact, I'm not sure we've ever met before.

Drakefyre: Nikki! Where are GoldenKing and Stew Boy?

Nikki: Who? I don't remember ever knowing those people.

Tyranicus: Huh? Why can't you remember?

Nikki: Because I... I... I don't know.

Drakefyre: It looks like the thing wrecked Nikki's memory instead of his speech.

Nikki: Thing? What thing?

Tyranicus: The thing that's been attacking everyone!

Nikki: Wow. Really? I don't remember any attacks.

Tyranicus: Of course not. You don't even remember my name.

Nikki: It's... it's T... T... You're right. I don't remember. What is it, again?

Tyranicus: Tyranicus!

Nikki: Oh, right.

Drakefyre: We're wasting time. If GoldenKing's been possessed by the thing, we need to find him immediately.

Nikki: What should I do?

Drakefyre: Just follow us and stay out of the way.

Nikki: Oh, okay. Um, where are you all going?

Drakefyre: I just said that we're going to look for GoldenKing.

Nikki: Who's GoldenKing?

Drakefyre sighs.

Drakefyre: Never mind.

Drakefyre, Tyranicus, and Sir David exit. Nikki hesitates.

Nikki: What was I supposed to be doing again?

The Silent Assassin shakes his head in despair. Lord Grimm and the Silent Assassin grab Nikki and drag him out of the forum.

Act 9

Act 9 Dikiyoba Sun, 04/15/2007 - 03:15
Who can you trust when the thing starts possessing people?

Scene 1: Tech Support Forum

Scene 1: Tech Support Forum Dikiyoba Sun, 04/15/2007 - 03:13
The mages and Zorro are once more reviving Spiderwebbers. Toenail has been revived from cadmium, Schrodinger from argon, Shaun Waun from samarium, and BainIhrno from chromium. Schrodinger is examining the antimatter machine with great interest. Archmagus Micael summons some palladium. With it, Zorro revives FBM.

FBM: It's so good to be back!

*i enters with the equipment needed to repair the antimatter machine and begins working on it. Schrodinger joins him. Randomizer summons some curium, allowing Zorro to revive Wanderer.

Wanderer: Now I am free to wander some more!

Randomizer: Actually, that's not a good idea at the moment.

Wanderer: Oh.

Zeviz summons some americium and Zorro revives Drew.

Drew: It was no fun being trapped in the dark this whole time.

Zephyr Tempest summons some zirconium. Zorro revives Redstart.

Redstart: Finally! That took far too long.

*i: Okay, we've got it fixed up. Hand me some gallium.

Zeviz summons some gallium and hands it to *i. Everyone gathers around the antimatter machine to see whether it would work this time around. Even Alorael gets up to watch. *i drops the gallium into the machine and turns it on. Zorro manages to catch the single atom of antigallium and combines it with Galactic Core. Rakshasi is revived, though he looks slightly insubstantial.

Randomizer: Wow. I think that's finally everyone.

Zorro: Good!

Zorro begins to play Galactic Core. MagmaDragoon, Nick Ringer, Wonko the Sane, and Kingy enter.

MagmaDragoon: Thing by GoldenKing been possessed has the!

*i: What? How?

While MagmaDragoon tries to explain, Nick Ringer opens another bottle of beer.

Nick Ringer: i woldnt no i wuz unconsous

Kingy: You have beer? Why didn't you tell me?

Nick Ringer: u didnt ask

Nick Ringer and Kingy start to walk towards the General Forum.

Wonko the Sane: Wait, Kingy. You're supposed to help me with Alorael.

Alorael: It's Aloreal. And what are you going to help me with?

Kingy: Sorry, Wonko, but I'd rather go drink. You'll have to find someone else.

Kingy and Nick Ringer exit.

Infernal666hate: Eye thing eye well glow two thy Generated Foreman asp will.

Infernal666hate exits.

Wonko the Sane: Great. Who will help me?

FBM: I will. What are we doing?

Wonko the Sane checks to make sure that Alorael isn't listening, and then speaks in a low voice.

Wonko the Sane: We're going to force Alorael to drink skribbane to see if it returns him to normal.

Toenail: Sounds like fun. I'll help too.

Rakshasi: Sure. Count me in as well.

MagmaDragoon finishes with his out-of-order explanation. *i thinks for a moment.

*i: I'm not sending anyone out to try to deal with GoldenKing. There's enough of us here to bring him under control, should he show up.

*i moves so that he can easily watch the forum entrance while Schrodinger carefully starts to take the antimatter machine apart. Toenail, FBM, Wonko the Sane, and Rakshasi approach Alorael. Wonko the Sane places the bottle of skribbane in front of him. Alorael looks up.

Alorael: Yes?

Wonko the Sane: You've been working really hard to, um, help out pedestrians. And I, um, I think that's great. That's why I brought you this to drink. As a reward. Trust me, it's very refreshing.

Alorael looks skeptically at the bottle and then suspiciously at Wonko the Sane. He sniffs the bottle's contents and looks disgusted.

Alorael: No. You're trying to trick me into drinking skribbane.

Rakshasi: What kind of approach was that, Wonko?

Toenail: An ineffective one. Now we'll have to try another method.

Toenail reaches across and grabs the skribbane. Alorael stands up and backs away.

Alorael: I don't like where this is going.

Rakshasi: Get him!

Alorael: Get away from me, you lunatics!

Alorael ducks away from Rakshasi and runs across the forum. Everyone pauses to watch. Even *i is momentarily distracted. Zephyr Tempest laughs.

Zephyr Tempest: Now this is entertainment!

In the confusion, no one notices Stew Boy enter. He walks silently over to Archmagus Micael.

Archmagus Micael: Stew Boy! Where did you come... you... you look... odd...

At that moment, FBM trips while chasing after Alorael and crashes into the table where all the alchemical equipment is set up. Ephesos and Dikiyoba jump out of the way as the table begins to tip over. Stew Boy leans in close to Archmagus Micael.

Stew Boy: Jhgzsb!

Due to the noise of the table and equipment hitting the floor, no one hears him but Archmagus Micael. No one sees Archmagus Micael collapse, either, because everyone is watching Ephesos yell at FBM.

Ephesos: Watch where you're going!

FBM shrugs.

FBM: Sorry. It was an accident.

Ephesos: Yes, an accident that destroyed a lot of valuable equipment.

FBM: I said sorry.

FBM helps Ephesos and Dikiyoba to right the table and pick up the equipment. Wonko the Sane manages to tackle Alorael and pin him down.

Wonko the Sane: Quick, Toenail! Force him to drink the skribbane!

Alorael struggles to free himself.

Alorael: No! Skribbane is a terrible, awful thing. I don't want to get addicted!

Alorael closes his mouth tightly as Toenail approaches. Rakshasi pinches Alorael's nose so that he can't breathe. When Alorael finally opens his mouth, Toenail pours some skribbane in. Everyone watches as Alorael sputters and coughs. Stew Boy approaches Zeviz.

Stew Boy: Mnbgnj!

Zeviz: Wha...?

Zeviz tips over unconscious. However, Randomizer is standing close enough to hear and then see what happened. He hesitates only for a second.

Randomizer: Spray acid!

Stew Boy is drenched in a layer of strong acid. Everyone forgets Alorael and turns to look at Randomizer.

*i: What did you just do?!

Ephesos hurries forward to cast a cure spell, but Randomizer blocks his path.

Randomizer: He attacked Zeviz! I heard it!

*i: But only those possessed by the thing can knock others unconscious.

Randomizer: Then Stew Boy's been possessed by the thing!

Stew Boy collapses to the ground. The thing realizes that it is about to lose its host. The thing would have to find a new one. It would love to have everyone in the room as a host, but it wasn't that strong yet. It could only take one other host at the moment, and it would have to be one that was easy to subdue. Everyone present (and conscious) steps back in horror as the most undescribable and incomprehensible thing they have ever witnessed appears next to Stew Boy.

The thing: Wstdrfyghjnkm!

Everybody winces. The thing vanishes as suddenly as it had appeared. Stew Boy manages to lift his head a few inches off the ground.

Stew Boy: hlp... me...

Stew Boy coughs loudly.

Ephesos: Divine restoration!

Stew Boy is healed. He sits up as Ephesos casts another heal and cure spell on him for good measure.

*i: Stew Boy! What happened?

Stew Boy: teh thing it wuz... it wuz horibl

Stew Boy shudders and falls silent. Everyone else is silent as well, except for Alorael, who steps forward.

Alorael: What in the world just happened and why don't I have my sniper rifle?

Scene 2: Geneforge Series

Scene 2: Geneforge Series Dikiyoba Sun, 04/15/2007 - 03:15
GoldenKing stands boldly in the middle of the forum. Drakefyre, Sir David, Tyranicus, Nikki, Lord Grimm, and the Silent Assassin enter.

Tyranicus: Why am I not surprised to find him here in this forum?

Nikki: I don't know. Why?

Drakefyre starts to approach GoldenKing. GoldenKing starts to back away.

Drakefyre: Surrender now, GoldenKing, or you will be banned.

GoldenKing: Aknjbhvu!

Drakefyre halts for a moment, and then continues forward. GoldenKing scrambles away from him.

Nikki: Hey! Does anyone else smell that? It smells like... like...

Tyranicus: Vinegar. Drakefyre! He set up spawners!

Nikki: Spawners? What are those?

A mob of cryoas suddenly swarm out and attack Drakefyre. GoldenKing runs for the exit and escapes. Drakefyre casts arcane blow on the cryoas, killing many of them.

Tyranicus: Hey! How come he can cast...

The Silent Assassin claps a hand over Tyranicus' mouth, cutting him off.

Sir David: |\|07 4|\|07|-|35 \/\/05|)

Drakefyre casts arcane blow again. A rogue cryoa slips past him and heads toward the others.

Nikki: What's that?

Tyranicus: It's a cryoa. And I still don't have a weapon. From now on, I'm using javelins. And I don't care how much they weigh!

Sir David runs forward and kills the cryoa. The Silent Assassin gestures until it is quite clear that Tyranicus and Nikki should stay behind while the others should help Drakefyre out. Sir David, Lord Grimm, and the Silent Assassin hurry forward. Drakefyre casts arcane blow on more cryoas.

Drakefyre: See if you can destroy the spawners. There are three of them.

Lord Grimm tosses a reaperdisk at one of the spawners. It dissolves into a puddle of goo.

Nikki: What are they doing?

Nikki starts to walk toward the others.

Tyranicus: No, wait. Don't walk a...

Tyrancius stops speaking abruptly.

Nikki: What was that?

Nikki turns back to find Tyranicus lying unconscious on the ground.

Nikki: Um...

Sir David wipes out one spawner with his flaming sword and the Silent Assassin kills the other with a large knife. Drakefyre casts arcane blow on the last of the cryoas. He looks around.

Drakefyre: That wasn't difficult. So what was the point of that? Just to stall us? But it took up a lot of his time as well.

Sir David: 273\/\/ 80`/

Drakefyre: We need to get back then.

Drakefyre turns.

Drakefyre: Nikki, Tyrani... oh no. I should have expected something like this to happen.

Nikki: Expected what to happen?

Tyranicus gets up.

Tyranicus: I'm okay.

Tyranicus: I'm okay.

Nikki: Why are you talking like that?

Drakefyre sighs.

Drakefyre: It doesn't matter at the moment.

Sir David: 3293(1411`/ 21|\|(3 |-|311 0|\|1`/ |=05637 4641|\|

Drakefyre, Sir David, Tyranicus, Lord Grimm, the Silent Assassin, and Nikki exit to the Avernum 4 Forum.

Scene 3: Run-down Message Board

Scene 3: Run-down Message Board Dikiyoba Sun, 04/15/2007 - 03:17
This forum has seen better days, which is saying something because it probably didn't look all that good to begin with. It looks like it was created from a shoddy program and that there was no planning involved in setting it up. Spam is lying everywhere and huge flamefests burn brightly. Kelandon and Marlenny enter.

Marlenny: Why are we here? We know that the rip just leads to the general Internet. We should go back to Spiderweb.

Kelandon: This place is close enough to the rip that it may pose a danger to Spiderweb. I guess not, though, since it appears to be abandoned.

Marlenny: Wait, Kel. It's not.

Marlenny points to a noob crossing the forum. It throws a piece of spam on the ground and then stops and stares at Kelandon and Marlenny.

Noob: hay wat r u doing hear

Marlenny: We're just passing through.

Noob: talk rite i cant understand u

Kelandon: We are talking properly. You're the one who is speaking incorrectly.

Noob: ur inselting me im caling a gaurdian

The noob runs off.

Marlenny: What do you think a guardian is?

Kelandon: I'm not sure.

The gaurdian enters. It turns out to be this board's name for a moderator.

Gaurdian: wats going on

The noob points at Kelandon.

Noob: he inselted me

Kelandon: I did not.

The gaurdian stares at Kelandon like he's a complete idiot.

Gaurdian: tihs is teh internet u dont hav 2 talk lik taht

Kelandon starts to retort angrily, but Marlenny elbows him in the ribs, cutting him off.

Marlenny: So, why are you called a guardian instead of a moderator?

Gaurdian: its cooler tihs way

Marlenny: And what is this place, anyway?

Gaurdian: a rely cool plase 2 lik hang out adn stuf

Marlenny: But this place is practically abandoned.

Gaurdian: yea theirs a stroy but teh adminostater can tel it betr tahn i

The gaurdian walks off. Kelandon sighs.

Kelandon: The "adminostater"?

Noob: lol yea pwnage!!!1 lol

The gaurdian reappears with the adminostater.

Gaurdian: tel tehm the stroy

Adminostater: k i started tihs fourm a long tim ago 2 hav fun adn many ppl came and ppl wer hapy adn ppl once cared abot speling and gramer and we evn used 2 thro ppl out bcus they coldnt spek rite adn then tihs... tihs think showd up...

Kelandon: Wait. "Think"? Do you mean "thing"?

Adminostater: yea watever tihs thinf showd up adn ppl started fiting and lots ov ppl left but teh rest ov us relized taht speling and gramer didnt mater and wev ben hear evr sense

Kelandon: Right. Well, we need to get going now.

Marlenny: Where are we going?

Kelandon: Back to Spiderweb. The thing is not going to do to Spiderweb what it did to this place.

The adminostater steps in front of Kelandon and Marlenny, blocking their exit.

Adminostater: no u hav 2 stay

Kelandon: I don't think so.

The gaurdian also steps into Kelandon and Marlenny's way.

Gaurdian: but we need mor ppl!!1

The noob, plus three others and a 1337 h4x0r, form a circle around Kelandon and Marlenny.

Kelandon: So, you're not going to let us out?

Adminostater: tahts rite

Kelandon: Then we'll have to fight our way out.

Kelandon lunges toward the adminostater and gaurdian. Marlenny trips a charging noob. The noob falls to the ground, tripping another noob in the process. Kelandon shoves the gaurdian into the adminostater. Marlenny ducks the 1337 h4x0r's axe. Kelandon and Marlenny run for the exit and escape. The adminostater and gaurdian stand up.

Gaurdian: they escapd

Adminostater: well bring tehm bak folow me

The adminostater, gaurdian, 1337 h4x0r, and four noobs exit.

Scene 4: Avernum 4 Forum

Scene 4: Avernum 4 Forum Dikiyoba Sun, 04/15/2007 - 03:17
Drakefyre, Lord Grimm, the Silent Assassin, Sir David, Nikki, and Tyranicus enter.

Tyranicus: Do you think GoldenKing ran straight through, or is he hiding somewhere to ambush us?

Tyranicus: Do you think GoldenKing ran straight through, or is he hiding somewhere to ambush us?

Nikki: Hey, why is it so dark in here?

Tyranicus: Because it's the Avernum 4 Forum.

Tyranicus: Because it's the Avernum 4 Forum.

Nikki: What's Avernum 4?

Tyranicus: Never mind.

Tyranicus: Never mind.

Drakefyre: I think he ran straight through, but stick together and stay alert in case he didn't.

The six of them move quickly and silently through the forum. Suddenly, the Silent Assassin points down a side tunnel. There is a faint glow coming from it.

Drakefyre: That's probably GoldenKing. The glow is from the canisters he has used. Now be quiet and follow me.

Drakefyre leads the way down the tunnel. The moment GoldenKing sees them, he takes off. Drakefyre chases after him. The other five can't run quite as quickly and are soon left behind.

Sir David: \/\/|-|353 453 \/\/3?

Tyranicus looks around.

Tyranicus: Dang it. We're lost.

Tyranicus: Dang it. We're lost.

Nikki: Where are we, again?

Scene 5: Tech Support Forum

Scene 5: Tech Support Forum Dikiyoba Sun, 04/15/2007 - 03:19
*i has the Tech Support Forum under quarantine while there is still the possibility of the thing being present. Schrodinger is guarding the General Forum exit while Ephesos is guarding the Announcement Forum exit. *i is attempting to learn as much about the thing as possible from Stew Boy, but it is difficult. Stew Boy can't remember much and he doesn't want to talk about what he can remember. To cap it off, Stew Boy's spelling and grammar is so bad he can barely be understood.

*i: How did the thing manage to possess you?

Stew Boy: i... i dont no goldnking wuz posesed adn he mad me pas out

*i: Do you remember anything after that?

Stew Boy: no not rely

Meanwhile, Zephyr Tempest is gleefully describing to Alorael all the un-Aloraelan activities he had engaged in while under the influence of the skribban.

Zephyr Tempest: ...and you actually said that pedestrians deserved protection.

Alorael: I don't believe you.

Zephyr Tempest: No, really. You even wrote a letter about it.

Zephyr Tempest waves the letter in Alorael's face.

Zephyr Tempest: And you signed it "Aloreal." See?

Alorael: Give me that!

Alorael snatches the letter and rips it up. Zephyr Tempest grins.

Zephyr Tempest: Do you want to hear about what happened to your sniper rifle?

Alorael: Not from you!

Alorael looks around.

Alorael: Where is my skribbane?

Zephyr Tempest: Ooh! I'll expl... ow!

Wonko the Sane stomps on Zephyr Tempest's foot.

Wonko the Sane: No, I'll explain.

MagmaDragoon: As explain I'll well.

Wonko the Sane and MagmaDragoon quickly describe to Alorael the thing and the havoc it is causing on the message board.

Wonko the Sane: ...now the thing is able to possess people...

MagmaDragoon: And Boy like GoldenKing Stew.

Wonko the Sane: ...and can use them to attack other people.

MagmaDragoon: Archmagus and like Micael Zeviz.

MagmaDragoon points at Zeviz and Archmagus Micael. A moment later, Zeviz and Archmagus Micael wake up.

Zeviz: What happened?

Archmagus Micael: wat no fiar y isnt their anything rong with u?

Zeviz: Well, I zuppoze that... ah. That'z what the thing did.

Archmagus Micael: tahts not fiar look how badly i spek

Drew: At least the thing didn't possess you.

Archmagus Micael thinks for a moment.

Archmagus Micael: ur rite but its stil not fiar!!1

*i finishes questioning Stew Boy.

*i: Okay, that's all. Unless you can think of anything else?

Stew Boy: no tahts all wiat... theirs one mor thing the giftcs

*i: What about the GIFTCs?

Stew Boy: wen we met them they siad taht hunting down teh thing wuznt teh way 2 dfeet it

*i: Clearly. So how did the GIFTCs say we should defeat the thing?

Stew Boy: they didnt

*i: That doesn't help us any.

Stew Boy: u could cal teh other group in

*i: Now, how could I do that without sending another group out?

Stew Boy: o yea

*i sighs.

*i: Okay, everyone, roll call.

Shaun Waun: Why?

*i: So that I can make sure that the thing hasn't possessed anyone else. Stew Boy?

Stew Boy: hear

*i: Niemand?

Niemand: Here.

*i: Smoo?

Smoo: Here.

*i: Zeviz?

Zeviz: Prezent.

*i: Wonko the Sane?

Wonko the Sane: Here.

*i: FBM?

FBM: Here.

*i: Shaun Waun?

Shaun Waun: Here.

*i: Ephesos?

Ephesos: Right here.

*i: Dikiyoba?

Dikiyoba: Diaoueoyiueaa is here.

*i: Rakshasi?

Rakshasi: Here.

*i: BainIhrno?

BainIhrno: Here.

*i: Drew?

Drew: Present.

*i: Zephyr Tempest?

Zephyr Tempest: Here.

*i: Schrodinger?

Schrodinger: Here.

*i: Wanderer?

Wanderer: Here.

*i: Zorro?

Zorro doesn't even bother to look up from his game.

Zorro: Quit distracting me!

*i: Toenail?

Toenail: Here.

*i: Alorael?

Alorael: Here.

*i: MagmaDragoon?

MagmaDragoon: Am here I.

*i: Redstart?

Redstart: Here.

*i: Archmagus Micael?

Archmagus Micael: hear

*i: Randomizer?

GoldenKing bursts into the forum with Drakefyre right behind him. Everyone scatters to get out of their way.

Drakefyre: *i! Stop him!

Before *i can do anything, Randomizer hits him with a spray acid spell.

Randomizer: Hgytrjdh!

Everyone momentarily freezes, allowing GoldenKing and Randomizer to escape into the General Forum. Ephesos casts a curing and a healing spell on *i, though *i wasn't much affected by Randomizer's spell. Drakefyre and *i chase after Randomizer and GoldenKing. Alorael and Schrodinger follow. Wanderer thinks for a moment.

Wanderer: I think I'll wander after them and see what happens.

Wanderer exits. Ephesos hesitates.

Ephesos: Bah. Someone is going to get hurt, I can already tell.

Ephesos exits.

Act 10

Act 10 Dikiyoba Sun, 04/15/2007 - 03:20
There may be a plan to get of the thing, but carrying it out is probably more dangerous than keeping it around...

Scene 1: General Forum

Scene 1: General Forum Dikiyoba Sun, 04/15/2007 - 03:20
Dintiradan has enlisted the help of The Lurker and enslaved several newbs in order to build a gigantic deth ray.

Dintiradan: no taht peice gos over their over their!

The Lurker moves a gear to the left a little and screws it into place. Jumpin' Salmon and Wise Man are still on the lookout for Bomber and Lord Llama.

Jumpin' Salmon: wher is lord lama i lost him wen he ran bhind spring

Wise Man: |\|3*7 71|\/|3 2|-|007 47 |-|1|\/| 4|\|y\/\/4`/

Directly below Jumpin' Salmon and Wise Man, Bomber and Lord Llama are slowly climbing up.

Bomber: well get tehm

Lord Llama: yea we will

Ben4808 wakes up.

Ben4848: Ow. My head hurts.

Terror's Martyr: You should still shut the ndsiuf up, you knbvyftr little fdskhus!

Major: Wghy do you always talk to people like tghat?

Terror's Martyr: You shut the kbjhvghfc up as well, nbghfg!

Major: Tghat's not nice!

Arancaytar and Imban are standing slightly apart from everyone else. Imban smiles grimly.

Imban: If there's one good fact about the thing, it's that it is a lot more effective at blocking TM than the autocensor.

Arancaytar: What's happening over there?

A cluster of Spiderwebbers are arguing fiercely over something. Some of them are actually debating. The others are just yelling. Major walks up and joins the argument. Order Mage bursts out of the group, closely pursued by Infernal666hate.

Order Mage: Ahhh! I'm being chased by a psychopath!

Infernal666hate swings demonslayer at Order Mage, but misses.

Infernal666hate: Ill krill ewe, ewe chitin!

Arancaytar sighs.

Arancaytar: It looks like Order Mage's been trolling again. And it worked a lot better than he anticipated.

Imban: I'll break up the argument and you keep Infernal from murdering Order Mage.

Imban walks over to the arguing group.

Imban: All right, everyone. Discussion over, topic closed.

Everyone leaves, except for Thuryl. He has Major trapped in a headlock.

Thuryl: But I almost have him with the crushing grip of reason.

Major: No, ghe doesn't! Ghive me a few more minutes witgh ghim and I will totally win!

Imban: Thuryl, let him go.

Thuryl lets go of Major. Major falls to the floor.

Thuryl: No one said I had to be nice.

Jumpin' Salmon: look theirs order mag i wonder wat he did tihs tim 2 mak infernal so angery

Wise Man: |-|3 9508481`/ 241|) 20|\/|37|-|1|\|6 480|_|7 |\|4512

Jumpin' Salmon: ur probably rite hmm mabey ill snipe order mag insted

Jumpin' Salmon aims at Order Mage.

Bomber: almost their

Lord Llama: yea

Wise Man overhears them and looks down.

Wise Man: 100|< 0|_|7!!1

Bomber tackles Wise Man and Lord Llama tackles Jumpin' Salmon. Down below, the thing suddenly strikes.

The thing: Szemklnji!

Imban, Thuryl, and Major stagger back, covering their ears. Major steps on Spring's foot.

Spring: Hey! Watch it!

Major: It's tghe tghingh!

The thing crawls toward Imban.

The thing: Pxyutv!

Imban blacks out. Robinator wakes up and walks over to Mr. Bookworm. He is still reading.

Mr. Bookworm: What are you doing?

Robinator shrugs and points to the book.

Mr. Bookworm: Oh, it's The Call of Cthulhu. I hope Arancaytar doesn't mind that I'm borrowing it.

Robinator leans in close, as if inspecting the book.

Robinator: Qlmkn!

Mr. Bookworm blacks out. Robinator walks off. Imban wakes up.

Imban: :0

Spring: Wow. Now that is nasty.

Imban: >:(

Over in the corner, both Nick Ringer and Kingy have passed out from drinking so much. Empty beer bottles litter the floor around them. Mysterious Man stands up and looks disgusted.

Mysterious Man: I can't believe that they both...

The thing: Bbvcycrp!

Mysterious Man falls over unconscious. GoldenKing and Randomizer enter.

GoldenKing: Klnbt!

Thuryl: Look out! It's GoldenThing!

GoldenKing casts aura of flames. Spring, Major, and Imban manage to get out of the way, but Thuryl is blasted full force by the spell. Thuryl dies. *i, Drakefyre, Alorael, Schrodinger, Ephesos, and Wanderer enter.

Dintiradan: wandrer! over hear

Wanderer wanders over to help Dintiradan, the Lurker, and the newbs with the deth ray. Drakefyre turns to *i.

Drakefyre: What's the best way to stop Randomizer and GoldenKing?

Up on the ledge, Jumpin' Salmon and Wise Man are still struggling against Bomber and Lord Llama for control of the sniper rifle.

Lord Llama: giv it up

Jumpin' Salmon: no its min

Jumpin' Salmon and Lord Llama roll over the edge. The sniper rifle is knocked over with them. Wise Man pushes Bomber off the ledge as well.

Wise Man: 100|< 0|_|7 8310\/\/!!1

Jumpin' Salmon, Lord Llama, and Bomber land on GoldenKing, knocking him to the ground. Alorael neatly catches the falling sniper rifle. Jumpin' Salmon, Lord Llama, and Bomber get up.

Ephesos: No one's hurt, are they?

Jumpin' Salmon: o no! aloreal has the sniper rifle adn i dont

Ephesos: I'll take that as a no.

Saunders hurries forward with a rope. *i, Drakefyre, Saunders, and Schrodinger tie up and gag GoldenKing so that he can't do any more damage.

Drakefyre: Schrodinger, will you watch over GoldenKing to make sure that he doesn't escape?

Schrodinger: I can do that.

Drakefyre, *i, and Saunders go after Randomizer. Meanwhile, Ephesos casts unshackle mind on Mr. Bookworm. Mr. Bookworm wakes up.

Mr. Bookworm: y me o well

Mr. Bookworm picks up the book and resumes reading. When Randomizer sees that Drakefyre and *i are after him, he runs for the door. Dolphin and Erika Maroonmark try to stop him.

Randomizer: Omntytr!

Erika Maroonmark falls over unconscious. Randomizer casts spray acid on Dolphin. Ephesos runs forward and casts a curing spell. Randomizer makes it to the door.

*i: No! He's going to get away!

The door swings open, knocking Randomizer flat. Kelandon and Marlenny enter. Drakefyre, *i, and Saunders tie up and gag Randomizer before he can recover.

*i: Saunders, will you guard Randomizer?

Saunders: Sure.

Drakefyre: Kelandon, Marlenny, did you find anything?

Kelandon: Yes, we found this run-down forum.

Kelandon and Marlenny explain what they saw to *i and Drakefyre. Order Mage runs into a corner. Infernal666hate cuts off his escape.

Infernal666hate: How eye half ewe!

Arancaytar: Infernal! Knock it of. Er, off.

Infernal666hate ignores him. Delicious Vlish quickly floats over and casts daze on her. Order Mage runs off.

Delicious Vlish: I've got this under control.

Arancaytar: Thanks.

Arancaytar walks off to hear the rest of Kelandon and Marlenny's report. Ephesos casts unshackle mind on Erika Maroonmark.

Erika Maroonmark: \/\/|-|47 |-|4993|\|3|)?

Ephesos: The thing, through Randomizer.

Erika Maroonmark: 0|-|

Drakefyre: So, that's all you found?

Marlenny: Yep.

Kelandon: How has it been going here?

Arancaytar: Awful. The thing has been attacking people left and right. The quality of writing is terribl. Er, terrible. That's twice now!

Arancaytar looks around and sees the thing close to him. He panics and runs off.

Arancaytar: You can't take me! I've already dedicated my life to an ancient horror! Iä! Iä! Cthulhu fhtagn!

Arancaytar runs into Delicious Vlish. As Delicious Vlish tries to calm Arancaytar down, Infernal666hate shakes her head to clear it.

Infernal666hate: Wear dig Ordeal Mad gnu?

Infernal666hate slips away and starts searching for Order Mage.

Arancaytar: Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn!

Delicious Vlish: All right. You've made your po...

The thing: Nnuvcr!

Arancaytar and Delicious Vlish both wince.

The thing: Mnbhvuqw!

Delicious Vlish and Arancaytar black out. Nicothodes stands boldly in the middle of the forum, mechanical pencil in hand.

Nicothodes: Do you think I'm cute?

Jumpin' Salmon eyes the mechanical pencil.

Jumpin' Salmon: uh no

Nicothodes: Right answer, fishbreath. Hey, you! Do you think I'm cute?

Ephesos: Is this some sort of trick question? No.

Nicothodes: That's correct. Stupid tree hugger!

Ephesos ignores her and walks away.

Nicothodes: Hmmph. This is boring. Hey, it's Fatman. Hmmm.

Nicothodes thinks for a moment. Then she raises her mechanical pencil.

Nicothodes: I hate you, Fatman! I'm going to stab you 693 times!

Fatman: stay a way from me!

Fatman runs away. Ephesos casts unshackle mind on Delcious Vlish and Arancaytar. They regain consciousness.

Arancaytar: i new somthing lik this wuz going to hapen how abot u delesous vlish

Delicious Vlish radiates anger. Robinator stands over Mysterious Man and kicks him a few times. Mysterious Man wakes up and stands up silently. Robinator points to Saunders, still guarding Randomizer. Mysterious Man nods.

Scene 2: Tech Support Forum

Scene 2: Tech Support Forum Dikiyoba Sun, 04/15/2007 - 03:22
Everyone is simply standing around. No one wants to enter the General Forum while GoldenKing and Randomizer are there, but no one is comfortable with doing nothing. Tyranicus, Nikki, Sir David, the Silent Assassin, and Lord Grimm enter.

Tyranicus: So, what are you all doing?

Tyranicus: So, what are you all doing?

Zeviz: That'z what we're trying to decide.

Dikiyoba: Dnjkba thinks that perhaps someone could come up with a plan to get rid of the thing.

FBM laughs.

FBM: How could we do that?

Niemand: Well, I bet I could develop a script that would somehow trap or destroy the thing.

Rakshasi: Is that your solution to everything?

Niemand: Pretty much.

Zephyr Tempest: I know! We'll summon a demon!

Wonko the Sane: Are you trying to get yourself killed?

Zephyr Tempest: Nonsense. Demon summoning is perfectly safe with the proper controls.

Wonko the Sane: No, I meant that I'd kill you if you tried to summon a demon.

Zephyr Tempest: Fine. Demon summoning is out.

Zephyr Tempest sits down and sulks.

Toenail: What if we threw the thing into the fluffy turtle pit?

Nikki: Or if we called up Stughalf and had his ferrets eat the thing?

Tyranicus: How come you can remember Stughalf and his ferrets but you can't remember my name? Heck, I bet you can't even remember your name.

Tyranicus: How come you can remember Stughalf and his ferrets but you can't remember my name? Heck, I bet you can't even remember your name.

Nikki turns to Dikiyoba.

Nikki: (Whispers.) Quick, what's his name again?

Dikiyoba: Tyranicus.

Nikki: (Whispers.) Okay, thanks. And what's my name?

Dikiyoba: Nikki.

Nikki: (Whispers.) Thanks again.

Nikki turns back to Tyranicus.

Nikki: I don't know. I just sort of remember Stughalf and his ferrets. I don't know why.

Zephyr Tempest: Hey! I have an idea.

FBM: Oh, no. Not another one.

Zephyr Tempest: It's a better one this time. We'll revive the ur-noob!

Toenail: What!

Zeviz: No!

Rakshasi: You have an interesting definition of the word "better."

Drew: How is reviving the ur-noob going to help anything?

Zephyr Tempest: Well, the ur-noob speaks almost normally and is really powerful. The thing will surely want to possess it. But since the thing is so powerful, it will take all the thing's effort to possess it. Randomizer and GoldenKing will be freed. Then we can kill the ur-noob and, in doing so, we will kill the thing.

Nikki: What's the ur-noob?

FBM: You know, some ideas are so stupid they stand a slight chance of actually succeeding.

Zephyr Tempest: And this is one of them?

Rakshasi: No. Your idea is so stupid it has absolutely no chance of succeeding.

Zephyr Tempest: Oh, come on. What do we have to lose?

Tyranicus: Our lives.

Tyranicus: Our lives.

Smoo: Besides, it wouldn't work. There's only two ways to revive someone. First, you'd need an element for the ur-noob and get Zorro to combine it with Galactic Core. I guarantee that's not going to happen. Second, you'd need a balm of life potion and get Ephesos to cast return life. That's even less likely to happen.

Drew: Besides, the ur-noob was so powerful we could hardly damage it. It was practically luck that we killed it last time. How are we supposed to kill it this time?

Zephyr Tempest: But the ur-noob will be weak right after being revived and if we all attack it at once, it will be easy.

Rakshasi: It's still a bad idea. Don't even think about it.

Niemand: I think we should take another look at the scripting option.

The discussion heats up again. In the confusion, no one notices Zephyr Tempest slip into the General Forum.

Smoo: ...we'd have to get the other scripters in on it as well.

Niemand: Hopefully, not too many of them have been attacked by the thing.

Nikki: Hey, where did that one demon-obsessed guy go?

Everyone stops talking and looks around.

Tyranicus: Oh great.

Tyranicus: Oh great.

Wonko the Sane: Dikiyoba, Zephyr Tempest didn't steal any herbs, did he?

Dikiyoba: No, Dzxewbha doesn't think so.

Zeviz: What about that zecond copy of Galactic Core, Zorro?

Zorro is absorbed in his game.

Zorro: Ha! Take that! Oh. What did you just say?

Zeviz: Do you ztill have your other copy of Galactic Core?

Zorro searches for it.

Zorro: No, I can't find it.

Zeviz: Which meanz that Zephyr Tempezt muzt have it.

Rakshasi: Now this is a disaster.

Nikki: What is?

Lord Grimm checks to make sure that his reaperdisks are still safe and close to hand.

Scene 3: General Forum

Scene 3: General Forum Dikiyoba Sun, 04/15/2007 - 03:23
Zephyr Tempest enters and walks up to Periodic Table of Spiderweb. He examines it closely.

Zephyr Tempest: I can't believe that no one has taken carbon. That will be the ur-noob's element. Now all I need is something to write with.

Fatman runs by, with Nicothodes right behind him.

Nicothodes: I'm going to kill you slowly and painfully!

Fatman: wat did i evr do 2 u

Zephyr Tempest: Hey, Nicothodes. I'll cast slow on Fatman if you let me borrow your pencil.

Nicothodes grins evilly.

Nicothodes: Sure! If you aren't too stupid to actually cast it, that is.

Nicothodes hands Zephyr Tempest the pencil. Zephyr Tempest writes in the ur-noob's name. Then he hands the pencil back to Nicothodes and casts slow on Fatman.

Nicothodes: So you're not as stupid as you look after all.

Nicothodes chases after Fatman again.

Fatman: help shes gaining on me!

Delicious Vlish projects disapproval at Nicothodes.

Nicothodes: I don't need your approval, squidbrain!

Nicothodes forgets about Fatman and lunges toward Delicious Vlish instead. Delicious Vlish casts terror on her. Nicothodes runs off in fear. Wanderer adds another piece to Dintiradan's deth ray.

Wanderer: I think that's everything.

Dintiradan: dont forgit abot teh bakup baterys

The Lurker: I won't.

The Lurker plugs it in. Nothing happens.

The Lurker: It still needs some work, I think.

Robinator approaches the bound Randomizer.

Saunders: Hey! What are you doing? Get away from him!

Mysterious Man tackles Saunders.

Mysterious Man: Smnbbv!

Saunders blacks out. Robinator unties Randomizer. The three of them sneak towards Schrodinger and GoldenKing. Order Mage trips over Saunders and falls flat. *i pulls Infernal666hate away from Order Mage right before she can run him through.

Infernal666hate: Get my so! Ill krill hem!

*i: Enough, Infernal.

Infernal666hate looks resentful, but obeys.

Infernal666hate: Fin.

Drakefyre grabs Order Mage as he tries to sneak off.

Drakefyre: Did you free Randomizer?

Order Mage: No. Why should I?

Drakefyre lets Order Mage go.

Drakefyre: Well, you haven't been possessed by the thing, so I believe you.

*i: But we need to find Randomizer and whoever freed him now, before they cause any more trouble.

Zephyr Tempest is still standing by the Periodic Table of Spiderweb. There is a slightly mad gleam in his eyes as he summons some carbon and attempts to combine it with Galactic Core.

Zephyr Tempest: How does this work?

Lazarus: What are you doing?

Zephyr Tempest: I'm trying to... uh... I'm trying to revive Thuryl.

Lazarus: Oh really?

Lazarus walks over to the Periodic Table of Elements.

Lazarus: Hey! Thuryl doesn't have carbon. He...

Zephyr Tempest panics and casts ice lances on Lazarus. Lazarus dies. Zephyr Tempest walks over to the ur-noob's body. Croikle spots Lazarus's body.

Croikle: Is he really dead, or is he just pretending?

Ephesos checks for a pulse.

Ephesos: No, he really is dead.

Croikle: But who could have killed him? And why?

Everyone from the Tech Support Forum enters.

Zeviz: Zomeone ztop Zephyr Tempezt!

Spring: Why? What's he doing?

Smoo: He's trying to...

The thing: Xjmniuuu!

Smoo falls over unconscious. Everyone else winces. The adminostater, gaurdian, 1337 h4x0r, and noobs enter.

Adminostater: wow theirs lots of ppl hear

Gaurdian: lets bring tehm al bak 2 teh fourm

One of the noobs grabs Ben4808.

Noob: ive got one

Ben4808: hay let me go!

Another noob grabs Major.

Noob: ive got a nother one

Major: Let me gho, you noob!

The 1337 h4x0r grabs the Almighty Do-er of Stuff.

1337 h4x0r: 9\/\/|\|3|)!!1

Almighty Do-er of Stuff: Hey! What are you doing?

Inspector Walnut and the baby fluffy turtle run over to help the Almighty Do-er of Stuff out and to claim the sanity of the new arrivals. The 1337 h4x0r goes down as Inspector Walnut tackles it. The baby fluffy turtle starts nipping the foot of another noob. Schrodinger sees Mysterious Man approaching GoldenKing.

Schrodinger: Mysterious Man! You can't...

Robinator tackles Schrodinger.

Robinator: Mknhm!

Schrodinger loses consciousness. Mysterious Man unties GoldenKing. Zephyr Tempest makes another adjustment to Galactic Core.

Zephyr Tempest: Aha! I've almost got it!

Rakshasi: Stop him!

Alorael aims the sniper rifle at Zephyr Tempest. Before he can fire, he is tackled by Mysterious Man.

Mysterious Man: Gtftr!

Alorael winces.

Alorael: Not again!

Student of Trinity pulls out his sling, but he is tackled by Robinator. Lord Grimm pulls out a reaperdisk. The Silent Assassin draws his dagger and looks around to make sure that no one can tackle Lord Grimm. GoldenKing steps toward them, ready to cast aura of flames.

Zeviz: Zorry, Zephyr. Fireb...ahhh!

Randomizer hits Zeviz with a spray acid spell. Ephesos casts a curing spell on Zeviz and turns to face Randomizer.

Ephesos: Divine ret...

Nicothodes, still panicking from Delicious Vlish's terror attack, plows into Ephesos and knocks him down. Ephesos' head cracks against the floor and he passes out. Randomizer turns to face Zeviz. Zeviz attempts to cast firebolt on him.

Zeviz: Oh no. I'm out of zpell pointz again!

Randomizer prepares to cast another spray acid spell. Zephyr Tempest finally manages to combine Galactic Core and the carbon. He laughs madly.

Zephyr Tempest: Yes! Yes! I did it!

Zephyr Tempest is still laughing as the ur-noob's fist comes out and crushes him flat. Zephyr Tempest dies. Everyone stops and stares as the ur-noob stands up.

Noob: ooh teh mitey urnoob

The noob lets go of Ben4808 and runs toward the ur-noob. Another noob follows.

Adminostater: no dont do that

Smoo wakes up.

Smoo: wats going on

Drew: You don't want to know.

Nikki: But I do want to know. What is it?

The ur-noob towers above the Spiderwebbers.

Ur-noob: HAHAHAHAHAHA!

The ur-noob suddenly stops laughing and starts coughing. Randomizer halts with his hands raised.

Randomizer: What garden is going malignant on?

Zeviz sighs in relief.

Zeviz: Thank goodnezz.

Mysterious Man stands up.

Mysterious Man: 2055`/ 4105431

GoldenKing shakes his head to clear it.

GoldenKing: wats hapening

Robinator steps away from Student of Trinity.

Robinator: Oops!!!!! Sorry, Student of Trinity!!!!!

FBM: I can't believe the plan is working exactly the way Zephyr Tempest said it would.

Rakshasi: So far.

Ephesos wakes up.

Ephesos: Great. Now I speak like a... wait. I'm still talking normally.

Zeviz: That'z becauze the thing iz currently diztracted.

Ephesos stares at the coughing ur-noob.

Ephesos: I think this is proof that life hates me.

Drakefyre: Spiderwebbers, attack the ur-noob with whatever you've got.

*i: Quick, while the ur-noob is weak and distracted!

Toenail pulls out his Black Halberds and charges toward the ur-noob.

Toenail: Death to the ur-noob!

Niemand pulls out a Jade Halberd and charges after him. Drakefyre casts arcane blow on the ur-noob. Ephesos casts divine retribution. Student of Trinity slings a rock. Terror's Martyr hurls the vilest and most illogical insults he can muster. Tyranicus throws a javelin.

Tyranicus: Take that!

Tyranicus: Take that!

Dintiradan: tihs is my chance 4 reveng lurkr plug n teh deth ray

The Lurker: Right.

The Lurker plugs in the deth ray. It begins charging up. Nicothodes stabs the ur-noob with her mechanical pencil. Infernal666hate stabs with demonslayer. MagmaDragoon strikes the ur-noob with a Guardian Claymore. Dikiyoba hands Ephesos and Zeviz each an energy potion. Zeviz drinks his and casts firebolt.

Randomizer: Spray acid acquired! No, that's oil not right. Spray citric acid!

The ur-noob is covered in lemonade.

Ephesos: You're not doing much.

Ephesos casts divine retribution again.

Randomizer: I'm fuzzy trying!

Alorael snipes the ur-noob. Sir David hits the ur-noob with his flaming sword. Enraged Slith attacks with his slith spear and the Silent Assassin attacks with his dagger. Lord Grimm throws a reaperdisk. The ur-noob staggers but coughs harder than ever.

*i: It's hurt! Keep attacking!

The Lurker: Dintiradan! The deth ray is ready!

Dintiradan: use it on the urnoob!

The Lurker and Wanderer turn the deth ray so that it is facing the ur-noob. Dintiradan rubs his hands together gleefully.

Dintiradan: hahaha! reveng! sweet sweet reveng!

The Lurker fires the deth ray. It hits the ur-noob. The ur-noob sways alarmingly.

Drakefyre: Back off, everyone! It's going to collapse!

The ur-noob falls to the ground with a tremendous thud.

*i: One more hit ought to finish it off!

Delicious Vlish slaps the ur-noob with a tentacle. The ur-noob coughs once more and dies. Everyone cheers.

Dintiradan: quik! use the deth ray on drakefyre and *i! tehn i wil rul teh mesage bord! hahaha!

Wanderer and the Lurker hesitate.

Wanderer: Are you sure?

Dintiradan: do it!

Robinator: Oh no you don't!!!!! I'll stop you!!!!!

Robinator runs forward, but trips over the cord, pulling the plug out of the outlet as he falls.

Dintiradan: im smarter tahn taht i hav bakup baterys

Dintiradan aims the deth ray at Drakefyre and fires it. Nothing happens.

Dintiradan: y isnt it werking

The Lurker: Oops. I forgot to put in the back-up batteries. Sorry, Dintiradan.

Dintiradan: uncompetnent fools!

Dintiradan looks over to see *i standing right beside him.

Dintiradan: it wuz just a joke a joke!

*i: You will take apart this deth ray right now, Dintiradan, or I will remove your helmet.

Dintiradan: nooo! not my helmet!

Robinator sits on the ground, twirling the end of the cord around.

Robinator: Curses, eh, Dintiradan?!!!!! Foiled again!!!!!

Dintiradan: oh shut up

Adminostater: lets get out ov hear

The adminostater and gaurdian exit. The 1337 h4x0r frees itself from Inspector Walnut and crawls out. The noob lets go of Major and it and the other three noobs follow. Kelandon throws a spell-checker at the last one to leave.

Kelandon: And don't come back until you've learned how to spell properly!

The final noob pauses to stick its tongue out at Kelandon.

Noob: lol ur stuped lol

The spell-checker hits the noob in the face, knocking it out the door. Marlenny swings the door shut. Saunders and Schrodinger both wake up.

Saunders: I've let Randomizer escape!

Randomizer: It's verb okay. The thing kinship is gone. I suspect that hazy we will return to dealing normal shortly rattle.

Ephesos casts unshackle mind on Kingy and Nick Ringer. They wake up.

Kingy: Oh, man. I have such a headache.

Nick Ringer: me 2

Kelandon: Well, we've killed the ur-noob.

Marlenny: Again.

Kelandon: And we've also killed the thing.

Drakefyre: No, I don't think the thing is dead. It's banished from Spiderweb, certainly, but there's so much bad spelling and grammar out there that the thing will recover.

Marlenny: What if the thing comes back?

Drakefyre: As long as everyone in Spiderweb uses correct spelling and grammar, then the thing won't be able to slip in again. And if it does, we'll notice and deal with it before it can gain a lot of strength.

Kelandon: What are we going to do now?

Drakefyre: Re-teach everyone to speak properly.

Scene 4: Run-down Message Board

Scene 4: Run-down Message Board Dikiyoba Sun, 04/15/2007 - 03:24
The adminostater and the gaurdian are talking together while the 1337 h4x0r is recovering from his near-death experience with Inspector Walnut and the noobs run around doing noobish things like spamming and topic necromancy. The gaurdian looks over at them.

Gaurdian: wow tehy wiatd almost a week b4 reviving taht one

There is a loud buzzing sound from the spell checker that a noob had brought back.

Adminostater: focus we hav 2 dside wat 2 do with tihs spel chekr

The spell checker buzzes again.

Gaurdian: get rid ov it

The spell checker buzzes once more.

Adminosater: i think we shold keep it adn thro it at ppl wen they enter so taht we get mor ppl

The spell checker buzzes even louder. The gaurdian covers its ears.

Gaurdian: mak it stop! mak it stop!

The spell checker continues to buzz.

Gaurdian: Make it stop!

The spell checker abruptly stops. The adminostater looks astounded.

Adminostater: wow u made teh spel chekr stop

The spell checker starts buzzing again.

Gaurdian: Make it stop!

The spell checker is silent once more. While the adminostater and the gaurdian try to figure out how the spell checker works, Stughalf enters the forum. A ferret scampers along behind him.

Stughalf: Excuse me, but can you give me directions to the Spiderweb Software Message Board? I know it's nearby.

1337 h4x0r: 291|)35\/\/38 12 3\/11

Stughalf: What?

Slartucker enters.

Slartucker: Oh, Nine-Headed Cave Cow. Not another forum composed entirely of noobs. Stughalf! What are you doing here?

Stughalf: I could ask you the same question. I came here to get directions back to Spiderweb.

Slartucker: I can give you those. First, you...

Two noobs watch Slartucker and Stughalf talk for a moment.

Noob One: shold we tel teh adminostater

Noob Two: no

Noob One: wat shold we do insted

Noob Two: creat a topic!

Noob One: abot wat

Noob Two: i dont no abot watevr

Noob One: good idea! we only hav ten ov tehm rite now!

The two noobs wander off to create the topic.

Slartucker: ...and then you're there.

Stughalf: Thanks for the directions. Now, what are you doing here?

Slartucker: I'm looking for a place to start another Church of the Nine-Headed Cave Cow.

Stughalf: Church of the Nine-Headed Cave Cow?

Slartucker: Yes. It's very cowerful and mooving. In fact...

Slartucker stops speaking as a fluffy turtle enters the forum. The fluff bristles in all directions as the turtle narrows its eyes and charges at Slartucker at a speed previously unknown to fluffy turtles.

Slartucker: Never mind. I've got to run.

Slartucker runs across the forum with the fluffy turtle in hot pursuit. Slartucker loops around the adminostater and gaurdian.

Gaurdian: hay its a new person!

Adminostater: quik! get him!

The spell checker continues to buzz. Slartucker runs past Stughalf.

Stughalf: Why is that fluffy turtle out of the fluffy turtle pit and why is it so angry at you?

Slartucker: Well, it seems that being shoved into a box that is later detonated doesn't do much to improve a fluffy turtle's mood. And when...

Slartucker runs by the 1337 h4x0r.

1337 h4x0r: 4|-||-||-||-|!!1 |\|07 4|\|07|-|35 0|\|3!!1

The 1337 h4x0r runs away from the fluffy turtle. Slartucker runs by the two noobs.

Noob Two: we hav a new topic

Noob One: yea!

The fluffy turtle rips the topic to shreds as it passes. The adminostater raises the spell checker to throw at Slartucker.

Gaurdian: maeby we dont want him if taht turtl is wiht him

The spell checker continues to buzz ineffectively. Slartucker runs by Stughalf again.

Slartucker: ...Arancaytar and I trapped it on the other side of a mirror, it decided to direct all its anger at us. Or at least at me, since it hasn't come across Arancaytar again yet.

Stughalf: But how did it find you?

Slartucker: I don't know. It just showed up a while back. I haven't been able to shake it off my trail yet.

The fluffy turtle cuts Slartucker off as he loops around the adminostater and gaurdian again.

Slartucker: Moove slowly!

The fluffy turtle is immediately slowed to a crawl. Slartucker runs by Stughalf again.

Slartucker: Bye!

Slartucker exits. The fluffy turtle quickly regains its speed and follows.

Adminostater: he got away!

Gaurdian: look theres another one

The gaurdian points to Stughhalf.

Adminostater: ill get him

The adminostater aims the spell checker at Stughalf.

1337 h4x0r: 4|-||-||-||-|!!1

The 1337 h4x0r plows into the adminostater, knocking it to the ground.

Stughalf: No point in hanging around here. Guess I'd better go.

Stughalf exits. The ferret exits right behind him.

Gaurdian: o no he got away

The adminostater stands up.

Adminostater: at tihs rate another one wil sho up

Gaurdian: adn?

Adminostater: ill b redy wen he or she dos

The adminostater stands by the entrance of the message board, ready to bean anyone who enters.

Scene 5: General Forum

Scene 5: General Forum Dikiyoba Sun, 04/15/2007 - 03:25
Several days have passed since the thing had been banished from the message board. Everything is returning to normal. The rip in the SubTerra Forum has been patched. All the forums have been cleaned up. The deth ray and the antimatter machine have been taken apart and stored, in case they are ever needed again. A new Moderator Board is under construction. Everyone who had been attacked by the thing is recovering their regular speech, thanks to intense spelling and grammar classes led by Drakefyre and Kelandon. Spring, Ephesos, Kingy, Toenail, and Meeshka are standing around talking. Zeviz, Stew Boy, Dikiyoba, and Randomizer join them.

Spring: So, how are the classes going?

Dikiyoba: Dikiyoba can speak normally again!

Stew Boy: I'm improving a lot. Occasionally, I slip up, but overall im... oops... I'm a lot better.

Major: I still ghave a longh way to gho. I'll ghet tghere eventually, tghoughgh.

Randomizer: I still throw in vertigo random words here and sill there. I kind of like mnemonic it, while it lasts.

Zeviz: I'm almost completely back to normal.

Spring: Do you think either one of you could summon the elements needed to revive Thuryl, Lazarus, and Zephyr Tempest?

Ephesos: Can't we just let Zephyr Tempest remain dead?

Randomizer: No, I'd probably zoom throw in a random word and feather end up summoning a toaster or something jump.

Kingy: But it would be really cool if you ended up summoning cases of beer.

Ephesos: As long as it's not another demon.

Meeshka: What about you, Zeviz?

Zeviz: Perhapz, if I were very careful.

Toenail: What about Archmagus Micael?

Stew Boy: No, he still has some prolbems with capitalization. Er, problems.

Archmagus Micael is walking by and happens to overhear Stew Boy.

Archmagus Micael: i do not, stew boy!

Dikiyoba: Dikiyoba thinks that Drakefyre could do it.

Spring: Yes, but he's been so busy lately between the classes and trying to get everything organized that he hasn't had the time.

Lord Grimm and the Silent Assassin join the group.

Meeshka: How are you two doing?

Lord Grimm: Oh, I can speak again.

Lord Grimm pauses for a moment and watches the Silent Assassin.

Lord Grimm: The Silent Assassin wants you to know that he is doing fine as well, and would be more than happy to take any lawn chemicals that you possess.

Stew Boy: Why?

Lord Grimm: It's probably better if you don't know. I certainly don't want to.

Meanwhile, across the forum, Archmage Alex, Ben4808, Infernal666hate, Nikki, Nicothodes, Fatman, Niemand, Smoo, and Student of Trinity are talking.

Student of Trinity: How is everyone today?

Nicothodes: Anything but cute!

Ben4808: Much better.

Infernal666hate: Back to normal.

Fatman: Good enough, I suppose.

Archmage Alex: Cease your prattling, philistines! I'm contemplating my next great masterpiece!

Nikki: What was the question?

Smoo: Nikki still can't remember anything that happened more than ten seconds ago, and no one knows how to improve the situation.

Niemand: I think we could give Nikki his own custom script and set memory cells to...

Niemand is cut off as Lord Llama and Bomber walk by, talking loudly.

Lord Llama: ...adn it was lik so fun and...

Student of Trinity shakes his head.

Student of Trinity: Some people just never learn.

Jumpin' Salmon and Wise Man are following Bomber and Lord Llama from the ledge at the top of the forum. They are carrying a fishing net between them. Bomber and Lord Llama stop. Jumpin' Salmon and Wise Man halt as well and stretch the net out.

Wise Man: Ready?

Jumpin' Salmon checks to make sure that the net is right over Bomber and Lord Llama.

Jumpin' Salmon: Ready. Let it go.

The net falls and completely ensnares Bomber and Lord Llama. The more they struggle, the worse they get tangled. Jumpin' Salmon and Wise Man climb down and start to drag Bomber and Lord Llama away.

Jumpin' Salmon: You're going to learn how to speak properly from Drakefyre and Kelandon. And I hope you don't like it, because I could use a good laugh at your expense.

Thralni and Snafta walk by.

Snafta: I don't think praying to the chicken gods will fix your spelling and grammar, Thralni.

Thralni: preying 2 teh almity chikn gods werkd b4 2 reviv us so y woldnt it werk now

Snafta: Because you keep calling them "almity chikn gods"?

Thralni: nonsence watch tihs o almity chikn gods ples fix mi speling adn gramer

Drakefyre: Thralni! Get over here! The next class is about to start!

Thralni: c?

Snafta: Yes, but you could have gone to one of those classes at anytime.

Thralni: no it was a sign from teh almity chikn gods

Dintiradan, the Lurker, and Wanderer are sitting at a table. Dintiradan looks glum.

Dintiradan: I can't believe another one of my brilliant ideas failed. I don't get it. I'm following the Evil Overlord guidebook exactly, and I still haven't taken over the boards.

The Lurker: Cheer up. Your deth ray played a major part in taking out the ur-noob, so you got your revenge. You'll get another brilliant idea for taking over the boards soon enough. And then, of course, someone will bungle their part of the plan somehow and it will fail miserably.

Dintiradan: (Sarcastically.) Thanks, Lurker. That last bit makes me feel a lot better.

The Lurker: You're welcome.

Wanderer: You know, telling people what is in the Evil Overlord guidebook probably doesn't make your job any easier.

Dintiradan: Perhaps you're right.

There is a brief silence.

The Lurker: I like Homeland.

Dintiradan: That's it! Just think of all the evil I could cause by including Homeland in my next scheme Lurker, you're a genius! Well, actually, you're not. You're still an incompetent fool. You're just a slightly less incompetent fool.

The Lurker: Really? Thanks.

MagmaDragoon picks up a karma thread.

MagmaDragoon: I have a few questions about karma...

Imban: Hey! MagmaDragoon! Get away from that karma thread! >:(

MagmaDragoon: But... but why?

Terror's Martyr: Quit asking [censored] stupid questions, [censored].

MagmaDragoon: I should why?

Alec: Because he told you to!

MagmaDragoon: Oh.

Some of the other Spiderwebbers have convinced Randomizer and Zeviz to try and summon lead, nobelium, and promethium. Zorro does not look happy to have been pulled away from his game yet again.

Robinator: Oh, this is exciting. I wish I were a mage!

Sir David: Shh! They're trying to concentrate.

Zeviz: Summon nobelium!

Zorro takes the summoned nobelium and combines it with Galactic Core to revive Thuryl.

Erika Maroonmark: Good. Now how about a few puns?

Randomizer: Summon icy promethium! Oops. Do you parasite think that...

Zorro: Whatever. It will work.

Zorro combines the promethium with Galactic Core. Zephyr Tempest is revived.

Zephyr Tempest: That's odd. My ice lances spell improved. I wonder why that is.

Meanwhile, Delicious Vlish is teaching Nick Ringer the finer points of agent strategy.

Nick Ringer: Do I get to cast daze?

Delicious Vlish: And mass daze, when you get it.

Nick Ringer: Sweet!

GoldenKing: Nothing is as sweet as aura of flames.

Delicious Vlish: Except, perhaps, this.

Delicious Vlish casts terror on GoldenKing. GoldenKing runs away in fear.

Delicious Vlish: As you can see, terror is also a very good spell.

Jewels is taking the damaged Periodic Table of Spiderweb down and replacing it with a new one. Mr. Bookworm is still reading. Zeviz summons some lead. Zorro revives Lazarus.

Lazarus: Dying repeatedly is not fun.

Tyranicus: You can say that again.

Mysterious Man: So now everyone is alive and back to normal again, right?

Arancaytar: Everyone except for Nikki.

Stughalf enters with the ferret trailing behind.

Stughalf: Hey, everyone.

Nikki: Hey, it's Stughalf! Look, Tyranicus. It's Stughalf!

Tyranicus: I don't believe it... you remembered my name!

Nikki: Yes, I... I can remember everything now.

Arancaytar: Now everyone is back to normal.

Kelandon: It's been a while since you were here last, Stughalf.

Stughalf: Yes, it has. So, what was the board like while I was gone? Fairly quiet?

Stew Boy: It is never quiet around here. Never.

The Lurker: Dintiradan, is this where we say something about your new plan to take over the board?

Dintiradan: No, that would be too cliché. Now go find me a copy of Homeland.

Scene 6: Run-down Forum

Scene 6: Run-down Forum Dikiyoba Sun, 04/15/2007 - 03:25
Several days have also passed in the run-down message board. The adminostater is still standing near the board entrance with the spell checker.

Adminostater: someon com dang it!

The spell checker buzzes feebly. Then its batteries give out and it stops.