The forum is cold. Very cold. And dark as well. And completely lifeless, since everyone in it is dead. Spiderwebbers huddle around old flamefests, trying to stay warm. They are reduced to eating spam. Dareva is about to take a bite of spam but flings it away suddenly.

Dareva: Ug. Spam. I'll starve before I eat any more of that stuff!

About the only people who can eat the spam are the Richard White cultists. In fact, they seem to be enjoying it.

Dareva: How can you eat that stuff?

Spring: Oh, we're not really eating it. We're just upgrading our implants with it.

Archmage Alex: Say, where is Icshi?

Student of Trinity: He's been called home to forum number 6,432,766,349,448,872,395,334,773. We will see him and Richard White again when that forum comes and unleashes its mighty vengeance.

Ben4808: Oh great. You mean that wasn't it? The Spiderweb Software Message Boards will one day be destroyed again?

Drew: No, that wasn't the coming of forum number 6,432,766,349,448,872,395,334,773. The destruction that it will bring when it comes will be beyond all comprehension. Fortunately, all cultists will be spared from forum number 6,432,766,349,448,872,395,334,773's wrath.

Wise Man: So, how long does anyone think we've been trapped down here?

Imban: Time flows strangely down here. It could be anywhere from a few minutes to several years. It sure feels like it's been a long time, though.

Wise Man: And where are all the noobs? There don't seem to be any here.

Imban: When noobs die, they get trapped in Homeland.

Archmage Alex: That is indeed a fate worse than death! Say no more!

*i is making a list on a piece of paper.

Drakefyre: What are you doing?

*i: Since we're all pale, skinny, and trapped in the underworld, I'm rewriting the titles so that they have an Exile theme. What do you think?

Drakefyre: It looks good. But expect to see many members with annoying new custom titles soon.

Drakefyre walks off and starts making his own list. Sitting as close as possible to another flamefest, Enraged Slith is so cold that he doesn't have the energy to do anything but shiver. Just a short distance away, Thralni and Snafta are kneeling on the ground. Thralni lifts his hands into the air.

Thralni: Oh, almighty chicken gods, what did we ever do to deserve such a fate? As the chicken god prophet, I beseech you, have mercy on us! Don't leave us down here forever! Or even another moment! Please? Pretty please?

Snafta: It's not working.

Thralni stands up, muttering Nephilian curses under his breath. Fatman, reclining against a stalagmite, chuckles.

Thralni: At least I'm trying to get us out of here. What have you done recently?

Fatman: At the moment, I'm laughing at you. I don't think there is a way out of this, though. I mean, we're dead. I don't even know where we are.

Schrodinger: In the old Miscellaneous Forum.

Fatman: Oh.

Thralni kneels again.

Thralni: I'll try once more. Almighty chicken gods! Are you listening to me now?

In another part of the forum, Arancaytar, Slartucker, and Tyranicus are also attempting to find a way back to the regular Spiderweb Software Message Board. Several runes are scratched into the ground near where they are standing.

Slartucker: How is this supposed to work?

Arancaytar: My goal is to create a portal that will take us to the Geneforge 2 Forum. I can get us back to the regular forums from there.

Tyranicus: Are we ready for a test yet?

Arancaytar: I think the runes are ready. Let's try to create the portal now. It will use up a lot of our energy. Be prepared for that. And above all, don't blink or look away from the runes while we try to do this.

The three Spiderwebbers concentrate on the runes. Energy pours out of them and into the runes. An insubstantial portal begins to form.

Slartucker: Hang on. I think I need to... to...

Slartucker sneezes. The moment his eyes close, the energy flow is disrupted. All of the energy stored in the runes is discharged as a huge fireball at Tyranicus. Tyranicus dies. Again.

Slartucker: Oops.

Arancaytar: I wonder what happens to you if you die after you're already dead.

Tyranicus gets up, completely unharmed. He brushes ashes off of himself.

Tyranicus: You just die again.

Arancaytar sighs.

Arancaytar: We'll have to try again later. Let's go rejoin the others.

Thuryl is walking towards the door that opens into the Spiderweb Software Message Boards.

Thuryl: I swore to myself that I would never come back. And yet, here I am.

Dolphin enters and runs to catch up with Thuryl.

Dolphin: Wait, Thuryl. Zorro's coming too.

Zorro enters.

Thuryl: Where have you two been?

Dolphin: I've been busy.

Zorro: I've been playing Galactic Core.

Erika Maroonmark and WKS are standing at the door into the Message Boards. A baby fluffy turtle blocks their way inside. It's crying fluffy turtle tears and snuffling.

WKS: Come on, we've deposited our sanity in the deposit box. Why won't you let us in?

Thuryl: What seems to be the problem?

Erika Maroonmark: The fluffy turtle won't let us in.

Thuryl kicks the baby fluffy turtle aside and opens the door.

Thuryl: That solves that problem.

The baby fluffy turtle scurries into the General Forum. Thuryl, Dolphin, Zorro, Erika Maroonmark, and WKS follow.

Nothing has changed in the General Forum. The dead ur-noob dominates the forum. All the noob, 1337 h4x0r, GIFTS, and Spiderwebber bodies remain where they fell. Thuryl and the others enter and look around.

Dolphin: What happened here?

Zorro: Hello? Is anyone still alive in here?

There is no response. The baby fluffy turtle scuttles towards the exit to the Tech Support Forum. Thuryl looks badly shaken.

Thuryl: I was afraid of this. The four of you stay here and look around. I'm going to check out the other forums.

Thuryl exits. The other four look around. Zorro picks up the stats that are lying next to Arancaytar. WKS and Erika Maroonmark walk to the other end of the forum, away from the carnage. Dolphin pauses to look at a large chart hanging on the wall. It looks like it got hit by a fireball, because it is badly charred. Still, she is able to make out what it says: The Periodic Table of Spiderweb. Thuryl enters the forum again.

Thuryl: All the other Spiderwebbers are dead and all the other forums are destroyed as well. The Moderator Board doesn't even exist any more. Did you find anything?

Zorro: I have the stats. It looks like it lists everyone who died, except for the few who died after Arancaytar did.

Thuryl takes the stats.

Thuryl: Thank you.

Dolphin: I found this.

Dolphin shows Thuryl the chart.

Thuryl: It looks like every Spiderwebber is on here. Now, if we only had their elements and an old, powerful artifact previously unrecognized as such, we could bring them back to life.

Zorro: Hang on. I have an old, powerful artifact that hasn't been recognized as such. I'll go get it.

Zorro exits. In the far corner of the forum, WKS and Erika Maroonmark stumble across a chest labeled "Thralni."

Erika Maroonmark: What do you think is in here?

WKS: Open it and find out.

Erika Maroonmark: I can't. It's locked. Do you suppose there is a key somewhere?

WKS: Go ask Thuryl.

Erika Maroonmark runs over to Thuryl.

Erika Maroonmark: Is there a Thralni on the stat list?

Thuryl: Yes. He died in the Avernum Trilogy Forum.

Erika Maroonmark: Okay, thanks.

Erika Maroonmark runs off. Thuryl is about to ask Erika what she wanted the information for but he is distracted by Zorro's entrance.

Thuryl: Do you have it?

Zorro: Yes. It's right here.

Zorro pulls out a copy of Galactic Core.

Thuryl: That's the old, powerful artifact? Well, no one would have recognized it as such, that's for sure. I suppose we can try it. But first, we need an element.

Erika Maroonmark finds WKS in a corner inhaling the helium out of a balloon and giggling at an extremely high pitch. Erika Maroonmark grabs a balloon as well. Dolphin hears their laughter and comes over to investigate.

Dolphin: What are you two doing? Hey... that's helium! Thuryl, does anyone have helium as an element?

Thuryl: Yes. But the chart is too burnt to make out who it is.

Dolphin grabs a balloon out of WKS's hand and runs it over to Thuryl and Zorro. Zorro unties the knot in the balloon and combines the helium and Galactic Core in a way that doesn't make any sense at all.

Thuryl: Ready?

Zorro: Sure. Let's see if this works.

There is a flash of light. When it fades, Alorael is standing there.

Alorael: What just happened? I'm alive again. But where's my sniper rifle?

Dolphin: It did work!

Alorael: Hmm. Good thing I always keep a spare sniper rifle in the Tech Support Forum.

Alorael exits.

Thuryl: Erika Maroonmark, WKS, will you go to the Avernum Trilogy Forum and find bars of iron, silver, gold, and uranium?

Erika Maroonmark: Will do!

Erika Maroonmark and WKS exit.

Alorael enters the forum. The baby fluffy turtle moves away from the body of the Almighty Do-er of Stuff and follows Alorael across the forum instead.

Alorael: Shoo! Go away! I have no sanity to give you!

The fluffy turtle backs off a little. Alorael opens a secret compartment and pulls out his spare sniper rifle, ammo, and the last of his skribbane potions. As Alorael loads the rifle, something begins to crawl across the forum towards him. Erika Maroonmark and WKS enter the forum. The thing vanishes instantly.

WKS: Hi, Alorael. We're going to the Avernum Trilogy Forum. Want to come with us?

Alorael: Well, I do need more skribbane. Sure.

Alorael finishes loading his rifle.

Erika Maroonmark: You know, I've never actually seen the full Avernum Trilogy Forum before. This will be fun!

Erika Maroonmark, WKS, and Alorael exit. The baby fluffy turtle follows them. The thing in the corner stirs once and then settles down to wait again.

Thuryl, Zorro, and Dolphin are searching the general forum for any elements that can be used to bring people back. Suddenly, Bomber walks in.

Bomber: Hi! My name's Bomber. Anyone seen a guy named Lord Llama?

Thuryl: No. Don't distract us--we're busy.

Dolphin: I found a tin-foil helmet, though I think that it is actually made out of aluminum foil.

Thuryl: Good. No one is tin, but someone is aluminum. Unfortunately, the name is charred and blurred, so I don't know who.

Zorro takes a piece of aluminum foil off of the helmet and combines it with Galactic Core.

Zorro: Ready.

Lord Llama walks in.

Bomber: Hi, Llama.

Lord Llama: hi bomber

Bomber: How are you doing, Llama?

Lord Llama: im good how r u

Bomber: I'm good as well. What have you been up to recently?

Lord Llama: ive ben waching foamy cartons i luv that sqirl

Thuryl: This is not the place for personal conversations! Go talk somewhere else!

Bomber: Oops. Sorry.

Lord Llama: watever

Bomber and Lord Llama exit into the Tech Support Forum.

Thuryl: Ready?

Zorro: Ready.

*i has some Spiderwebbers interested in his new title ranking plan. Several of them are looking at the new list and giving their opinions.

Kingy: Cool. I'm a Swashbuckler now.

Wise Man: I'm a Sage.

Dintiradan: I'm an Explorer. While it's better than being an ordinary citizen, it's nowhere near as good as Evil Overlord.

Other Spiderwebbers are interested in other things. Ephesos, for instance, is trying to create a Balm of Life.

Ephesos: I will return to the message boards. Furthermore, I will return to the message boards alive.

The potion that Ephesos is creating starts to fizz, bubble, and foam out of the bottle. The acidic substance covers Ephesos's hands. He quickly drops the bottle and casts a cure spell on himself.

Ephesos: Well, that wasn't it.

Jumpin' Salmon: Anyone seen Alorael recently? He went off to look for one of his missing PDNs awhile ago and hasn't come back.

Inthrall: Nope. Haven't seen him.

Jumpin' Salmon: Hmm. Now that's odd.

Thralni: Oh, almighty chicken gods! Please, please, pleeeeease spare us from this horrible fate!

Arancaytar, Tyranicus, and Slartucker are attempting to create the portal again.

Arancaytar: Okay. Let's try this once more. Ready?

Tyranicus: If you're going to sneeze, sneeze now, Slartucker.

Slartucker: It was a one time thing, I promise. It won't happen again.

As the three Spiderwebbers look at the runes, the portal begins to form. Suddenly, Slartucker vanishes in a flash of light. Tyranicus is prepared this time and leaps out of the way, so it is Arancaytar who is hit by the fireball. A few moments after the fire burns itself out, Arancaytar stands back up.

Tyranicus: What happened to Slartucker?

Arancaytar: It wasn't the portal. It was something else. But I don't know what.

Alorael, Erika Maroonmark, WKS, and the baby fluffy turtle enter the forum. Alorael immediately slips off to go collect skribbane plants. The baby fluffy turtle follows him. WKS and Erika Maroonmark search for metal bars. WKS comes across a metal bar that he can't identify, so he puts it into his pocket until someone can identify it.

Erika Maroonmark: Hey! I think I've found something!

WKS: What is it?

Erika Maroonmark: It's a slightly rusty bar of iron just lying here.

WKS: Good. Take it. We need it.

After a bit more searching, Erika Maroonmark comes across a bar of lead. Meanwhile, WKS is sitting on the ground, looking distinctly ill.

Erika Maroonmark: What's the matter with you?

WKS: I don't feel good and I don't know why. Look, my hair is falling out.

Erika Maroonmark shrugs.

Erika Maroonmark: I don't know what it is, either. Oh, look. A bar of silver.

Erika Maroonmark picks it up. While gathering skribbane plants, Alorael notices a bar of gold lying on the ground. He picks it up and throws it as far away as possible. The baby fluffy turtle immediately runs (or what counts as running for a turtle, anyway) after it. After gathering enough plants, Alorael returns to where Erika Maroonmark and WKS are.

WKS: I feel so ill.

Alorael: You must have picked up a bar of uranium.

WKS: Is that what it is?

Alorael: Yes. What's that?

Alorael notices a small key lying on the ground. He picks it up.

Erika Maroonmark: That's probably the key we were looking for! Come on, WKS, let's go try it out.

Erika Maroonmark takes the key from Alorael. The three Spiderwebbers exit. Meanwhile, the baby fluffy turtle is still in the process of fetching the bar of gold.