Scene 3: SubTerra Forum
Scene 3: SubTerra Forum
The battle is raging fiercely all over the forum. Alorael is still sniping the noobs between swigs of his skribbane. Delicious Vlish is casting terror on noobs, causing them to trample each other. Ash Lael is forcing noobs into the most difficult SubTerra level ever created. Once inside, the noobs can't figure a way out. Wonko the Sane, because he decided to go the whole war without killing anything, is punching noobs in the face. Dikiyoba is standing on a small rock, preaching to the noobs.
Dikiyoba: Dikiyoba says that anyone can become a productive and valuable forum member! All one has to do is use proper punctuation. Use correct capitalization! Don't spam! Obey the Code of Conduct! Just by following these simple rules, one can become a useful addition to any forum, just like Dikiyoba!
Over a dozen noobs stand at the base of the rock, slightly stunned by Dikiyoba's usage of words like "punctuation" and "conduct" and even "Dikiyoba." Every once in a while, a half-convinced noob detaches itself from the group. Soon, however, it forgets what it heard and becomes thoughtless and illiterate once more. One such noobs wanders over and attacks GoldenKing. GoldenKing blocks the attack with his pizza shield, then hits the noob with a lump of chocolate from a sling.
GoldenKing: Heehee. Take that, noob!
GoldenKing slings another noob. Then he notices one of Alorael's empty skribbane bottles. He picks it up.
GoldenKing: Hey! What's this? It smells good.
GoldenKing licks the rim of the bottle.
GoldenKing: This is great stuff! This is better than canisters!
GoldenKing shakes the last drops of the potion into his mouth. Then he sees Alorael's sack of full skribbane potions lying next to him on the boulder. GoldenKing works his way towards the boulder, slinging noobs for good measure. At the rear of the battle, *i is watching the battle progress grimly.
*i: Thralni!
Thralni: Yes, *i?
*i: Fly above the battle and tell me what you can see.
Thralni flies into the air and shouts a report.
Thralni: We're fighting well, *i, but for every noob we kill, ten more take its place. We're being pushed back. And we're completely out of pens.
*i: Where is Thuryl with those pens?
Thuryl and Arancaytar enter. Arancaytar recently showered and wears clean clothes but he still has a blotch of blue paint on his forehead.
Thuryl: Come and get your pens!
Many Spiderwebbers run up to Thuryl and take a pen. Then they rush back to the battle. Nikki, Nicothodes, and Sherbiebaby are now completely surrounded by noobs but are causing devastation with two pens each.
Slartucker: Ha! Pens! Who needs pens when you have an entire desk?
Slartucker throws his desk into a pack of noobs. The noobs fly everywhere. Slartucker retrieves the desk and then throws it again.
Arancaytar: I just finished the monthly stats! How is the battle going?
Thralni: Hey! You look like Harry Potter, Aran.
Arancaytar looks disgruntled and rubs at the paint, but says nothing. Just then, Jumpin' Salmon runs up to *i.
Jumpin' Salmon: *i, I saw Nicothodes kill Synergy! She's psycho!
*i: Where did Synergy even come from?
Jumpin' Salmon: I have no idea. Anyway, Synergy called Nicothodes cute. And she stabbed him with her pen!
Thuryl: I keep telling people that it’s not polite to call someone something they don’t want to be called...
Jumpin' Salmon: What do I do? I’ve called her cute! What if she decides to come after me?
Thuryl: Well, you could try apologizing...
Jumpin' Salmon: Hmm. That is an idea. Do you have any pens left?
Thuryl: Last one. Now I have to go back to look for some more.
Thuryl hands Jumpin' Salmon a pen. Jumpin' Salmon rejoins the battle. Thuryl exits. *i exits. In the middle of the forum, GoldenKing successfully reaches Alorael’s boulder. While Alorael is busy reloading, GoldenKing steals two skribbane potions. GoldenKing slings another noob, then runs off. When he is a safe distance away, he sits behind a rock and opens the first potion.
Dikiyoba: And that's how you properly quote someone. Anyone have any questions for Dikiyoba?
Noob: And that's how you properly quote someone. Anyone have any questions for Dikiyoba? yes
Dikiyoba: Hey! You've been here since the beginning. Dikiyoba has gone over quoting someone five times now. Dikiyoba is patient, but not that patient. Dikiyoba wants you to leave, noob.
GoldenKing slings the offending noob and hits another one over the head with the empty skribbane bottle.
GoldenKing: Heehee! Oh, sorry, Dikiyoba. I’m going somewhere else now. Take this, noob. And the same for you!
GoldenKing hits two noobs with one lump of chocolate as he leaves. Drakefyre enters.
Drakefyre: Icshi! Student of Trinity! Ben4808! Spring! And all you other members of the Richard White Cult! You know who you are...or at least, the implants do.
All of the members of the Richard White Cult who can make it out of the battle assemble before Drakefyre.
Drakefyre: The SubTerra Forum will soon be closed. It's time for you to go to the Richard White Games Forum and prepare.
Spring: Will we get our implants upgraded?
Icshi: They've already been upgraded.
Drakefyre: Stop wasting time. It's time to go.
Drakefyre, Icshi, the members of the Richard White Cult exit. *i enters. Meanwhile, Jumpin' Salmon battles his way towards Nicothodes, Nikki, and Sherbiebaby.
Jumpin' Salmon: Hello, Nicothodes.
Nicothodes stabs a noob.
Nicothodes: What do you want?
Jumpin' Salmon: I just wanted to say that I've changed my mind. You aren't cute. In fact, I think you're ugly.
Nicothodes smiles at him. Suddenly, she jumps at him.
Jumpin' Salmon: What in the...
Jumpin' Salmon and Nicothodes land on the ground. The huge battle axe of a gigantic, armored noob narrowly misses them.
Sherbiebaby: It's a 1337 h4x0r, the most feared and arrogant type of noob!
Nikki darts forward and stabs the 1337 h4x0r. His pen breaks.
Sherbiebaby: Run, Nikki! Distract it!
Nikki and Sherbiebaby take off. The 1337 h4x0r follows them. It scatters noobs left and right, often slaying those who don’t get out of the way quick enough.
Nikki: It’s gaining on us!
Shebiebaby: Oh no! There’s one ahead of us, too!
Nikki glances back. The 1337 h4x0r is gaining on the pair.
Nikki: Just keep running straight!
The 1337 h4x0rs catch up with Nikki and Sherbiebaby. As they lift their axes, Nikki and Sherbiebaby dodge aside. The 1337 h4x0rs slay each other instead.
Nikki: Gross!
Sherbiebaby: Actually, I thought it was kind of cool. Hey, what’s that?
The noobs ahead of them seem agitated and fearful. Dozens of 1337 h4x0rs appear. Behind them, something huge and hulking appears.
Nikki: That must be the ur-noob! It has to be at least ten feet tall!
Sherbiebaby: I think it’s closer to twelve. Let’s get out of here. I don’t want to meet it.
Nikki and Sherbiebaby rush back to Nicothodes and Jumpin’ Salmon.
Nikki: We saw the ur-noob!
Nicothodes: That 1337 h4x0r was the ur-noob?
Sherbiebaby: No, the ur-noob is much, much bigger.
Jumpin’ Salmon: We must tell *i!
The four of them retreat until they meet up with *i. They explain what they saw. *i looks worried. Just then, Thuryl, Lenar Labs, and the Silent Assassin enter.
Thuryl: I couldn’t find any more pens, so I brought lots of sticks instead. They aren’t as easy to use as pens, but they can do a lot more damage if handled correctly.
*i: Thuryl, the ur-noob has appeared.
Suddenly, the Silent Assassin steps forward and makes several gestures.
Lenar Labs: The Silent Assassin is informing you that he intends to hunt down and kill the ur-noob. He’s asking permission to begin.
*i: Go right ahead. I’m closing this forum, though. It’ll be difficult to make a quick escape.
The Silent Assassin salutes quickly then threads his way through the battle.
Lenar Labs: Good luck, Silent Assassin!
*i: Let’s hope the Richard White Cult can halt the noobs. This forum’s time is up. Retreat! Retreat!
Spiderwebbers stream from the battlefield to the next forum. Thuryl hands many of them sticks as they depart.
*i: Retreat!
Alorael, who is out of ammo, rummages through the sack and comes up with the last skribbane potion.
Alorael: Hmm. I could have sworn I still had four potions left. Oh well. Time to go recharge!
Alorael drinks the potion and then exits. GoldenKing stashes two of his stolen potions in his pocket and drinks the third. Then he exits.
Dikiyoba: Bye, noobs. Remember what Dikiyoba has taught you!
Dikiyoba exits. When the last Spiderwebber leaves, *i exits and closes the forum permanently.
Dikiyoba: Dikiyoba says that anyone can become a productive and valuable forum member! All one has to do is use proper punctuation. Use correct capitalization! Don't spam! Obey the Code of Conduct! Just by following these simple rules, one can become a useful addition to any forum, just like Dikiyoba!
Over a dozen noobs stand at the base of the rock, slightly stunned by Dikiyoba's usage of words like "punctuation" and "conduct" and even "Dikiyoba." Every once in a while, a half-convinced noob detaches itself from the group. Soon, however, it forgets what it heard and becomes thoughtless and illiterate once more. One such noobs wanders over and attacks GoldenKing. GoldenKing blocks the attack with his pizza shield, then hits the noob with a lump of chocolate from a sling.
GoldenKing: Heehee. Take that, noob!
GoldenKing slings another noob. Then he notices one of Alorael's empty skribbane bottles. He picks it up.
GoldenKing: Hey! What's this? It smells good.
GoldenKing licks the rim of the bottle.
GoldenKing: This is great stuff! This is better than canisters!
GoldenKing shakes the last drops of the potion into his mouth. Then he sees Alorael's sack of full skribbane potions lying next to him on the boulder. GoldenKing works his way towards the boulder, slinging noobs for good measure. At the rear of the battle, *i is watching the battle progress grimly.
*i: Thralni!
Thralni: Yes, *i?
*i: Fly above the battle and tell me what you can see.
Thralni flies into the air and shouts a report.
Thralni: We're fighting well, *i, but for every noob we kill, ten more take its place. We're being pushed back. And we're completely out of pens.
*i: Where is Thuryl with those pens?
Thuryl and Arancaytar enter. Arancaytar recently showered and wears clean clothes but he still has a blotch of blue paint on his forehead.
Thuryl: Come and get your pens!
Many Spiderwebbers run up to Thuryl and take a pen. Then they rush back to the battle. Nikki, Nicothodes, and Sherbiebaby are now completely surrounded by noobs but are causing devastation with two pens each.
Slartucker: Ha! Pens! Who needs pens when you have an entire desk?
Slartucker throws his desk into a pack of noobs. The noobs fly everywhere. Slartucker retrieves the desk and then throws it again.
Arancaytar: I just finished the monthly stats! How is the battle going?
Thralni: Hey! You look like Harry Potter, Aran.
Arancaytar looks disgruntled and rubs at the paint, but says nothing. Just then, Jumpin' Salmon runs up to *i.
Jumpin' Salmon: *i, I saw Nicothodes kill Synergy! She's psycho!
*i: Where did Synergy even come from?
Jumpin' Salmon: I have no idea. Anyway, Synergy called Nicothodes cute. And she stabbed him with her pen!
Thuryl: I keep telling people that it’s not polite to call someone something they don’t want to be called...
Jumpin' Salmon: What do I do? I’ve called her cute! What if she decides to come after me?
Thuryl: Well, you could try apologizing...
Jumpin' Salmon: Hmm. That is an idea. Do you have any pens left?
Thuryl: Last one. Now I have to go back to look for some more.
Thuryl hands Jumpin' Salmon a pen. Jumpin' Salmon rejoins the battle. Thuryl exits. *i exits. In the middle of the forum, GoldenKing successfully reaches Alorael’s boulder. While Alorael is busy reloading, GoldenKing steals two skribbane potions. GoldenKing slings another noob, then runs off. When he is a safe distance away, he sits behind a rock and opens the first potion.
Dikiyoba: And that's how you properly quote someone. Anyone have any questions for Dikiyoba?
Noob: And that's how you properly quote someone. Anyone have any questions for Dikiyoba? yes
Dikiyoba: Hey! You've been here since the beginning. Dikiyoba has gone over quoting someone five times now. Dikiyoba is patient, but not that patient. Dikiyoba wants you to leave, noob.
GoldenKing slings the offending noob and hits another one over the head with the empty skribbane bottle.
GoldenKing: Heehee! Oh, sorry, Dikiyoba. I’m going somewhere else now. Take this, noob. And the same for you!
GoldenKing hits two noobs with one lump of chocolate as he leaves. Drakefyre enters.
Drakefyre: Icshi! Student of Trinity! Ben4808! Spring! And all you other members of the Richard White Cult! You know who you are...or at least, the implants do.
All of the members of the Richard White Cult who can make it out of the battle assemble before Drakefyre.
Drakefyre: The SubTerra Forum will soon be closed. It's time for you to go to the Richard White Games Forum and prepare.
Spring: Will we get our implants upgraded?
Icshi: They've already been upgraded.
Drakefyre: Stop wasting time. It's time to go.
Drakefyre, Icshi, the members of the Richard White Cult exit. *i enters. Meanwhile, Jumpin' Salmon battles his way towards Nicothodes, Nikki, and Sherbiebaby.
Jumpin' Salmon: Hello, Nicothodes.
Nicothodes stabs a noob.
Nicothodes: What do you want?
Jumpin' Salmon: I just wanted to say that I've changed my mind. You aren't cute. In fact, I think you're ugly.
Nicothodes smiles at him. Suddenly, she jumps at him.
Jumpin' Salmon: What in the...
Jumpin' Salmon and Nicothodes land on the ground. The huge battle axe of a gigantic, armored noob narrowly misses them.
Sherbiebaby: It's a 1337 h4x0r, the most feared and arrogant type of noob!
Nikki darts forward and stabs the 1337 h4x0r. His pen breaks.
Sherbiebaby: Run, Nikki! Distract it!
Nikki and Sherbiebaby take off. The 1337 h4x0r follows them. It scatters noobs left and right, often slaying those who don’t get out of the way quick enough.
Nikki: It’s gaining on us!
Shebiebaby: Oh no! There’s one ahead of us, too!
Nikki glances back. The 1337 h4x0r is gaining on the pair.
Nikki: Just keep running straight!
The 1337 h4x0rs catch up with Nikki and Sherbiebaby. As they lift their axes, Nikki and Sherbiebaby dodge aside. The 1337 h4x0rs slay each other instead.
Nikki: Gross!
Sherbiebaby: Actually, I thought it was kind of cool. Hey, what’s that?
The noobs ahead of them seem agitated and fearful. Dozens of 1337 h4x0rs appear. Behind them, something huge and hulking appears.
Nikki: That must be the ur-noob! It has to be at least ten feet tall!
Sherbiebaby: I think it’s closer to twelve. Let’s get out of here. I don’t want to meet it.
Nikki and Sherbiebaby rush back to Nicothodes and Jumpin’ Salmon.
Nikki: We saw the ur-noob!
Nicothodes: That 1337 h4x0r was the ur-noob?
Sherbiebaby: No, the ur-noob is much, much bigger.
Jumpin’ Salmon: We must tell *i!
The four of them retreat until they meet up with *i. They explain what they saw. *i looks worried. Just then, Thuryl, Lenar Labs, and the Silent Assassin enter.
Thuryl: I couldn’t find any more pens, so I brought lots of sticks instead. They aren’t as easy to use as pens, but they can do a lot more damage if handled correctly.
*i: Thuryl, the ur-noob has appeared.
Suddenly, the Silent Assassin steps forward and makes several gestures.
Lenar Labs: The Silent Assassin is informing you that he intends to hunt down and kill the ur-noob. He’s asking permission to begin.
*i: Go right ahead. I’m closing this forum, though. It’ll be difficult to make a quick escape.
The Silent Assassin salutes quickly then threads his way through the battle.
Lenar Labs: Good luck, Silent Assassin!
*i: Let’s hope the Richard White Cult can halt the noobs. This forum’s time is up. Retreat! Retreat!
Spiderwebbers stream from the battlefield to the next forum. Thuryl hands many of them sticks as they depart.
*i: Retreat!
Alorael, who is out of ammo, rummages through the sack and comes up with the last skribbane potion.
Alorael: Hmm. I could have sworn I still had four potions left. Oh well. Time to go recharge!
Alorael drinks the potion and then exits. GoldenKing stashes two of his stolen potions in his pocket and drinks the third. Then he exits.
Dikiyoba: Bye, noobs. Remember what Dikiyoba has taught you!
Dikiyoba exits. When the last Spiderwebber leaves, *i exits and closes the forum permanently.