Scene 6: Richard White Games Forum
Scene 6: Richard White Games Forum
The noobs have basically vanquished the ferrets and the seals. Now they move to attack the Richard White cult members. Icshi steps forward and raises a hand. The noob charge grinds to a sudden halt.
Ischi: I summon the leader of the Richard White Cult, who leads us by his--or her, or its--very mysteriousness (the mysteriousness and retroactivity makes it impossible to tell, I mean, Richard might very well be dead and his wife have taken over at any moment in time as far as we can tell), and who teaches us about the power of all things retroactive, and who may or may not be Richard White, or indeed Richard Black. Soon, all you noobs will understand the implications of the power of the Richard White cult! Come forward, mighty leader!
Hawk King: Ischi, aren't you the leader of the cult?
Ischi: Technically, I am. But who do you think I worship?
The cult members step aside as the true leader of the cult steps forward. The leader is both much taller and much shorter than all the other cult members, and wears a robe that alternates between black and white. The hood is pulled so low over his face--or hers, or its--that it is impossible to see the face, if indeed a face exists, existed, or will exist. The leader stops nearly twenty feet in front of the rest of the cult members and about an equal distance stands between the leader and the army of noobs, since the noobs had retreated a fair distance in shock and awe. The leader raises a hand and dramatically points it at the army of noobs. Suddenly, a huge pile of beans falls from the sky and smothers the leader of the cult.
Icshi: What!
Ben4048: Oh dear.
The noobs stare at the pile of beans for a moment, then break into uproarious laughter. Icshi shrugs.
Icshi: So it's come to this. Oh well. Charge!
The cult members shake off their shock and charge forward into the noobs, driving the noobs back a few paces. The other Spiderwebbers charge forward as well.
FBM: Death to noobs!
Noob: d347h 2…uh…
The noob stops to think about how to put “Spiderwebbers” into 1337 5p34k. FMB smashes it with a stick before the noob can figure it out.
FBM: It’s so good to be back!
Jumpin' Salmon climbs onto the boulder next to Alorael's with a fishing rod. He ties a registration code lure onto the end of it and casts it out. Soon, a 1337 h4x0r spots it and chases after it as Jumpin' Salmon reels it in. The 1337 h4x0r runs into a flamer. The resulting explosion kills over thirty noobs. Jumpin' Salmon finishes reeling the line in, attaches another lure, and casts it out again.
Alorael: Nice move, Salmon!
Alorael shoots another flamer.
GoldenKing: Nise…scribane…mmm…
GoldenKing meanders tipsily off with more stolen skribbane. At the other end of the forum, the captains of the noob army are watching the battle progress. The leader of the flamers is haranguing the noobs who hang back.
Troll Master: Get up there, you half-baked pieces of spam! Come on, idiots! Finish them off! How hard can it be?
Spawner: Look! A group of Spiderwebbers is cut off from the rest!
Troll Master: Yes! This is the moment I’ve been looking forward to! Come on, flamers!
Troll Master runs off, shouting at all the rank-and-file noobs it passes.
Troll Master: Soon the forums will be ours! HTML will be enabled! Chaos will be everywhere! Fight harder, you morons, and our victory will be assured!
31337 h4x0r: How did you convince Troll Master and its flamers to join, anyway?
Spawner: I promised them the Miscellaneous Forum.
31337 h4x0r: That forum no longer exists.
Spawner: Duh. That’s why I promised it to them. Anyway, the ur-noob intends for them all to die.
31337 h4x0r: The ur-noob? More like the ur-Bob.
Spawner: Your Bobness. Heeheehee!
3l337 h4x0r: Hahaha! No more! Hahaha! Your Bobness….hahaha!
The 31337 h4x0r stops laughing suddenly.
31337 h4x0r: Wait…why is the ur-noob so desperate to conquer this message board? I mean, why not Polaris or the RIFQ?
Spawner: I have no idea and I'm too afraid to ask.
31337 h4x0r: That's what I thought. Oh well. I’m off to the front lines now.
31337 h4x0r marches off. In the middle of the battlefield, Spring, Wise Man, Student of Trinity, and Icshi are separated from the rest of the Spiderwebbers. Out of needles, they smack noobs with the butt of their tranquilizing guns and pray that they don’t meet a flamer.
Student of Trinity: We must rejoin the others, or we're all doomed.
Icshi whacks a noob with his gun.
Icshi: I'm trying to think of something!
Wise Man: There's a flamer almost on us!
Spring throws a bean at the flamer, causing it to explode.
Student of Trinity: That was close! How many of those do you have?
Spring: Just four more.
Wise Man: Look out!
Student of Trinity, Wise Man, and Icshi all dive out of the way in time as a giant fireball comes their way. Spring, however, is badly burned. Troll Master throws back its head and laughs.
Troll Master: Hahaahahahaha!
Icshi drops to his knees alongside Spring.
Icshi: Speak to me, Spring!
Spring: This... wouldn’t have happened... if... I... had gotten... an upgrade... to my... implants... like I... asked... urg...
Spring dies.
Icshi: No!
At Icshi’s yell, all the noobs blocking off the small group vanish into tomorrow and Wise Man, Student of Trinity, and Icshi run for their lives.
Drakefyre: What happened, Icshi?
Icshi: I regret to inform you that our dear friend Spring is with us no more.
Drakefyre: Out with it! What are you saying?
Icshi: Spring is dead! Urg...
Icshi falls to the ground, dead. The 31337 hax0r laughs as he raises another throwing axe. Drakefyre ducks the thrown axe.
Drakefyre: Retreat! Retreat! Retreat to the Nethergate Forum!
With the noobs close behind, the Spiderwebbers flee into the next forum. GoldenKing has difficulty standing up, but once on his feet he takes off, though not in a straight line. FBM is tripped by a noob while fleeing, but he quickly rolls over, stabs the noob, jumps up, and runs out. Sir David pauses and yells at the Troll Master, who is standing atop the pile of beans.
Sir David: I have four times as much firepower as you. Take that!
Just as Sir David is about to cast a massive fireball, the Troll Master laughs madly. The power is drained from Sir David.
Troll Master: Now I have five times more firepower than you! Or something like that. Anyway, take this!
Student of Trinity: I summon the delicious trinity of chocolate, vanilla, and strawberry flavors that comprises Neapolitan ice cream!
Sir David is shielded by a huge wall of Neapolitan ice cream. The fireball hits it instead, dissolving a wall into a sticky mess. Fortunately, it lasted long enough to enable Sir David and Student of Trinity to escape. The last Spiderwebber left in the forum is Terror's Martyr. He also yells at the Troll Master.
Terror's Martyr: I'll see you in the BoE forum, [CENSORED], and I'll [CENSORED] to your [CENSORED]!
Terror's Martyr exits.
Ischi: I summon the leader of the Richard White Cult, who leads us by his--or her, or its--very mysteriousness (the mysteriousness and retroactivity makes it impossible to tell, I mean, Richard might very well be dead and his wife have taken over at any moment in time as far as we can tell), and who teaches us about the power of all things retroactive, and who may or may not be Richard White, or indeed Richard Black. Soon, all you noobs will understand the implications of the power of the Richard White cult! Come forward, mighty leader!
Hawk King: Ischi, aren't you the leader of the cult?
Ischi: Technically, I am. But who do you think I worship?
The cult members step aside as the true leader of the cult steps forward. The leader is both much taller and much shorter than all the other cult members, and wears a robe that alternates between black and white. The hood is pulled so low over his face--or hers, or its--that it is impossible to see the face, if indeed a face exists, existed, or will exist. The leader stops nearly twenty feet in front of the rest of the cult members and about an equal distance stands between the leader and the army of noobs, since the noobs had retreated a fair distance in shock and awe. The leader raises a hand and dramatically points it at the army of noobs. Suddenly, a huge pile of beans falls from the sky and smothers the leader of the cult.
Icshi: What!
Ben4048: Oh dear.
The noobs stare at the pile of beans for a moment, then break into uproarious laughter. Icshi shrugs.
Icshi: So it's come to this. Oh well. Charge!
The cult members shake off their shock and charge forward into the noobs, driving the noobs back a few paces. The other Spiderwebbers charge forward as well.
FBM: Death to noobs!
Noob: d347h 2…uh…
The noob stops to think about how to put “Spiderwebbers” into 1337 5p34k. FMB smashes it with a stick before the noob can figure it out.
FBM: It’s so good to be back!
Jumpin' Salmon climbs onto the boulder next to Alorael's with a fishing rod. He ties a registration code lure onto the end of it and casts it out. Soon, a 1337 h4x0r spots it and chases after it as Jumpin' Salmon reels it in. The 1337 h4x0r runs into a flamer. The resulting explosion kills over thirty noobs. Jumpin' Salmon finishes reeling the line in, attaches another lure, and casts it out again.
Alorael: Nice move, Salmon!
Alorael shoots another flamer.
GoldenKing: Nise…scribane…mmm…
GoldenKing meanders tipsily off with more stolen skribbane. At the other end of the forum, the captains of the noob army are watching the battle progress. The leader of the flamers is haranguing the noobs who hang back.
Troll Master: Get up there, you half-baked pieces of spam! Come on, idiots! Finish them off! How hard can it be?
Spawner: Look! A group of Spiderwebbers is cut off from the rest!
Troll Master: Yes! This is the moment I’ve been looking forward to! Come on, flamers!
Troll Master runs off, shouting at all the rank-and-file noobs it passes.
Troll Master: Soon the forums will be ours! HTML will be enabled! Chaos will be everywhere! Fight harder, you morons, and our victory will be assured!
31337 h4x0r: How did you convince Troll Master and its flamers to join, anyway?
Spawner: I promised them the Miscellaneous Forum.
31337 h4x0r: That forum no longer exists.
Spawner: Duh. That’s why I promised it to them. Anyway, the ur-noob intends for them all to die.
31337 h4x0r: The ur-noob? More like the ur-Bob.
Spawner: Your Bobness. Heeheehee!
3l337 h4x0r: Hahaha! No more! Hahaha! Your Bobness….hahaha!
The 31337 h4x0r stops laughing suddenly.
31337 h4x0r: Wait…why is the ur-noob so desperate to conquer this message board? I mean, why not Polaris or the RIFQ?
Spawner: I have no idea and I'm too afraid to ask.
31337 h4x0r: That's what I thought. Oh well. I’m off to the front lines now.
31337 h4x0r marches off. In the middle of the battlefield, Spring, Wise Man, Student of Trinity, and Icshi are separated from the rest of the Spiderwebbers. Out of needles, they smack noobs with the butt of their tranquilizing guns and pray that they don’t meet a flamer.
Student of Trinity: We must rejoin the others, or we're all doomed.
Icshi whacks a noob with his gun.
Icshi: I'm trying to think of something!
Wise Man: There's a flamer almost on us!
Spring throws a bean at the flamer, causing it to explode.
Student of Trinity: That was close! How many of those do you have?
Spring: Just four more.
Wise Man: Look out!
Student of Trinity, Wise Man, and Icshi all dive out of the way in time as a giant fireball comes their way. Spring, however, is badly burned. Troll Master throws back its head and laughs.
Troll Master: Hahaahahahaha!
Icshi drops to his knees alongside Spring.
Icshi: Speak to me, Spring!
Spring: This... wouldn’t have happened... if... I... had gotten... an upgrade... to my... implants... like I... asked... urg...
Spring dies.
Icshi: No!
At Icshi’s yell, all the noobs blocking off the small group vanish into tomorrow and Wise Man, Student of Trinity, and Icshi run for their lives.
Drakefyre: What happened, Icshi?
Icshi: I regret to inform you that our dear friend Spring is with us no more.
Drakefyre: Out with it! What are you saying?
Icshi: Spring is dead! Urg...
Icshi falls to the ground, dead. The 31337 hax0r laughs as he raises another throwing axe. Drakefyre ducks the thrown axe.
Drakefyre: Retreat! Retreat! Retreat to the Nethergate Forum!
With the noobs close behind, the Spiderwebbers flee into the next forum. GoldenKing has difficulty standing up, but once on his feet he takes off, though not in a straight line. FBM is tripped by a noob while fleeing, but he quickly rolls over, stabs the noob, jumps up, and runs out. Sir David pauses and yells at the Troll Master, who is standing atop the pile of beans.
Sir David: I have four times as much firepower as you. Take that!
Just as Sir David is about to cast a massive fireball, the Troll Master laughs madly. The power is drained from Sir David.
Troll Master: Now I have five times more firepower than you! Or something like that. Anyway, take this!
Student of Trinity: I summon the delicious trinity of chocolate, vanilla, and strawberry flavors that comprises Neapolitan ice cream!
Sir David is shielded by a huge wall of Neapolitan ice cream. The fireball hits it instead, dissolving a wall into a sticky mess. Fortunately, it lasted long enough to enable Sir David and Student of Trinity to escape. The last Spiderwebber left in the forum is Terror's Martyr. He also yells at the Troll Master.
Terror's Martyr: I'll see you in the BoE forum, [CENSORED], and I'll [CENSORED] to your [CENSORED]!
Terror's Martyr exits.