Scene 1: Nethergate Forum
Scene 1: Nethergate Forum
A short time before the retreat of the Spiderwebbers in the Richard White Games Forum, Tyranicus leads the army of blue newbs into the Nethergate Forum. He leans on his spear as he shouts commands.
Tyranicus: Line up there! Hey, you there! Pay attention, or I'll feed you to Arctic Wolf!
Newb: But I'm the one who’s hungry!
Tyranicus: You'll get food in a moment.
Newb: But I'm hungry now!
Tyranicus closes his eyes. When he opens them again, the newb is mysteriously gone. The other newbs gather into ranks. Alec enters, dressed in an outrageous uniform and carrying a huge scimitar.
Alec: Need any help?
Tyranicus: Sure, if you know what you're doing.
Alec: I am a talented general who has never lost a battle in my life.
Tyranicus: Have you ever been in a battle before?
Alec: Aside from flamefests? No, but I have studied the careers of many famous and not-so-famous generals. And I have the arrogance to match any of those generals.
Tyranicus: It'll have to do, I suppose. So, do you have any strategies we could implement? Newb, get off the ground and quit making daisy chains. This is serious business.
Alec: So, are the newbs actually capable of anything?
Tyranicus: Amazingly, yes. Most have been trained to fight in melee. Others are skilled javelineers and a few have even learned a few simple spells.
Alec: Put the melee fighters up front and have the spellcasters and javelineers behind.
Tyranicus: That goes without saying. All right, newbs. You heard what you’re supposed to do. Now get into position.
Grumbling, the newbs rearrange themselves. No sooner are they in position when the first of the retreating Spiderwebbers enter the Nethergate Forum. Some halt behind the line of newbs. Others are injured or are helping out injured members and continue to the Tech Support Forum. Alorael runs to the Moderator Forum to replenish his supply of skribbane. Terror's Martyr, *i, and several other BoE scripters head for the Blades of Exile Forum to prepare defenses. Tyranicus hefts his spear as he sees the first noob enter the forum.
Tyranicus: Get ready, newbs!
Sir David picks up the sword left lying on the ground by the vanished newb. Slartucker climbs onto his desk to look around. Alorael enters with more skribbane potions.
Slartucker: The noobs are entering fast now. The 1337 h4x0rs are lining up for a charge, with the ordinary noobs behind them. It looks like the flamers are hanging back, though.
Alec brandishes his scimitar.
Alec: What are we waiting for? Let's charge. Charge!
The newb army, with older Spiderwebbers mixed in, charge towards the 1337 h4x0rs. Alec and Tyranicus lead it. The 1337 h4x0rs charge forward as well, headed by the 31337 h4x0r. Tyranicus slays a 1337 h4x0r with his spear and Alec gets another one with his scimitar. A 1337 h4x0r kills a newb, only to be killed by Sir David. Wonko the Sane punches a 1337 h4x0r in the face but only succeeds in hurting his fist.
Slartucker: Alorael! Wonko the Sane is down! Kill that 1337 h4x0r now!
Alorael shoots the 1337 h4x0r, then downs another skribbane potion. Kingy rushes in and pulls Wonko the Sane out of harm’s way.
Kingy: To the Tech Support Forum, Wonko. Ephesos will heal you.
Wonko the Sane: Thanks, Kingy!
Wonko the Sane exits. Alorael shoots another noob, then drinks three skribbane potions in quick succession. GoldenKing waits a moment longer and then quickly steals eighteen bottles. He sits down behind a rock to drink them. Jewels sees him and wanders over.
Jewels: What are you doing?
GoldenKing struggles to remove the top from the skribbane potion.
Jewels: Is it a drinking party? I want to join. I brought beer.
Jewels sits down across from GoldenKing and whips out three six-packs. GoldenKing finally gets the lid off.
Jewels: On the count of three, we chug. Okay? One. Two. Three!
Jewels and GoldenKing finish off their respective drinks and reach for the next one at the exact same time. Back in the battle, Alec slashes another 1337 h4x0r.
Alec: Look out, Tyran. There’s a really big h4x0r headed your way!
Tyranicus stabs a 1337 h4x0r and dodges the 31337 h4x0r’s giant axe. Alec rushes in and slashes at the 31337 h4x0r from behind.
Tyranicus: Attack it, newbs!
Four newbs rush in. The 31337 h4x0r immediately strikes one down, but the other three leap about hacking at it furiously. From his desk, Slartucker watches the battle anxiously.
Slartucker: Come on, Tyran. That's it, Alec. Come on, bring that h4x0r down!
The 31337 h4x0r strikes down another newb and blocks Tyranicus's next spear thrust. Then it flees deeper into the ranks of the noobs. Alec charges after it.
Tyranicus: No, Alec. Get back!
Slartucker realizes how quickly things could go wrong for Alec and Tyranicus and jumps off of his desk. He takes a javelin from a newb and starts hacking his way towards Tyranicus, Alec, and the wounded 31337 h4x0r. The 31337 h4x0r breaks free from the mass of fighting newbs and noobs. Alec breaks through as well.
31337 h4x0r: Help me, you idiots!
The 31337 h4x0r collapses to the ground.
Spawner: Capture the Spiderwebber alive!
Two 1337 h4x0rs and five noobs dogpile onto Alec.
Tyranicus: No! Alec!
Tyranicus continues to battle his way forward, with Slartucker close behind. The 1337 h4x0rs knock the noobs out of the way and pick up the unconscious and slightly flattened Alec. Tyranicus finally battles his way through and stabs one of the h4x0rs. From its position on the ground, the 31337 h4x0r pulls a throwing axe out of its belt. A noob catches hold of Tyranicus’s spear as he stabs the other 1337 h4x0r. Tyranicus stumbles back as the throwing axe hits him.
Slartucker: No! Tyran!
Slartucker chucks the javelin at the 31337 h4x0r, but the 31337 h4x0r rolls away and avoids it. Three more 1337 h4x0rs leap forward. One challenges Slartucker while the other two carry off Alec. Slartucker slings Tyranicus over his shoulder and runs back into the battle with the 1337 h4x0r close behind. Jumpin' Salmon sees Slartucker’s predicament and casts at the 1337 h4x0r. The line wraps around the 1337 h4x0r and throws it to the ground. At the edge of the forum, Slartucker pauses to take one look back. The last things he sees as he exits to take Tyranicus to the Tech Support Forum are GoldenKing and Jewels on their eighth drink and a newb and a noob attempting to strangle each other with their bare hands. Slartucker exits. At the other end of the forum, Spawner watches the 31337 h4x0r carefully.
Spawner: You weren't that badly injured, were you?
31337 h4x0r: Nothing that this little healing potion won't fix. One of the newbs had it on him.
31337 h4x0r drinks the healing potion.
31337 h4x0r: Now, back to the battle I go!
Tyranicus: Line up there! Hey, you there! Pay attention, or I'll feed you to Arctic Wolf!
Newb: But I'm the one who’s hungry!
Tyranicus: You'll get food in a moment.
Newb: But I'm hungry now!
Tyranicus closes his eyes. When he opens them again, the newb is mysteriously gone. The other newbs gather into ranks. Alec enters, dressed in an outrageous uniform and carrying a huge scimitar.
Alec: Need any help?
Tyranicus: Sure, if you know what you're doing.
Alec: I am a talented general who has never lost a battle in my life.
Tyranicus: Have you ever been in a battle before?
Alec: Aside from flamefests? No, but I have studied the careers of many famous and not-so-famous generals. And I have the arrogance to match any of those generals.
Tyranicus: It'll have to do, I suppose. So, do you have any strategies we could implement? Newb, get off the ground and quit making daisy chains. This is serious business.
Alec: So, are the newbs actually capable of anything?
Tyranicus: Amazingly, yes. Most have been trained to fight in melee. Others are skilled javelineers and a few have even learned a few simple spells.
Alec: Put the melee fighters up front and have the spellcasters and javelineers behind.
Tyranicus: That goes without saying. All right, newbs. You heard what you’re supposed to do. Now get into position.
Grumbling, the newbs rearrange themselves. No sooner are they in position when the first of the retreating Spiderwebbers enter the Nethergate Forum. Some halt behind the line of newbs. Others are injured or are helping out injured members and continue to the Tech Support Forum. Alorael runs to the Moderator Forum to replenish his supply of skribbane. Terror's Martyr, *i, and several other BoE scripters head for the Blades of Exile Forum to prepare defenses. Tyranicus hefts his spear as he sees the first noob enter the forum.
Tyranicus: Get ready, newbs!
Sir David picks up the sword left lying on the ground by the vanished newb. Slartucker climbs onto his desk to look around. Alorael enters with more skribbane potions.
Slartucker: The noobs are entering fast now. The 1337 h4x0rs are lining up for a charge, with the ordinary noobs behind them. It looks like the flamers are hanging back, though.
Alec brandishes his scimitar.
Alec: What are we waiting for? Let's charge. Charge!
The newb army, with older Spiderwebbers mixed in, charge towards the 1337 h4x0rs. Alec and Tyranicus lead it. The 1337 h4x0rs charge forward as well, headed by the 31337 h4x0r. Tyranicus slays a 1337 h4x0r with his spear and Alec gets another one with his scimitar. A 1337 h4x0r kills a newb, only to be killed by Sir David. Wonko the Sane punches a 1337 h4x0r in the face but only succeeds in hurting his fist.
Slartucker: Alorael! Wonko the Sane is down! Kill that 1337 h4x0r now!
Alorael shoots the 1337 h4x0r, then downs another skribbane potion. Kingy rushes in and pulls Wonko the Sane out of harm’s way.
Kingy: To the Tech Support Forum, Wonko. Ephesos will heal you.
Wonko the Sane: Thanks, Kingy!
Wonko the Sane exits. Alorael shoots another noob, then drinks three skribbane potions in quick succession. GoldenKing waits a moment longer and then quickly steals eighteen bottles. He sits down behind a rock to drink them. Jewels sees him and wanders over.
Jewels: What are you doing?
GoldenKing struggles to remove the top from the skribbane potion.
Jewels: Is it a drinking party? I want to join. I brought beer.
Jewels sits down across from GoldenKing and whips out three six-packs. GoldenKing finally gets the lid off.
Jewels: On the count of three, we chug. Okay? One. Two. Three!
Jewels and GoldenKing finish off their respective drinks and reach for the next one at the exact same time. Back in the battle, Alec slashes another 1337 h4x0r.
Alec: Look out, Tyran. There’s a really big h4x0r headed your way!
Tyranicus stabs a 1337 h4x0r and dodges the 31337 h4x0r’s giant axe. Alec rushes in and slashes at the 31337 h4x0r from behind.
Tyranicus: Attack it, newbs!
Four newbs rush in. The 31337 h4x0r immediately strikes one down, but the other three leap about hacking at it furiously. From his desk, Slartucker watches the battle anxiously.
Slartucker: Come on, Tyran. That's it, Alec. Come on, bring that h4x0r down!
The 31337 h4x0r strikes down another newb and blocks Tyranicus's next spear thrust. Then it flees deeper into the ranks of the noobs. Alec charges after it.
Tyranicus: No, Alec. Get back!
Slartucker realizes how quickly things could go wrong for Alec and Tyranicus and jumps off of his desk. He takes a javelin from a newb and starts hacking his way towards Tyranicus, Alec, and the wounded 31337 h4x0r. The 31337 h4x0r breaks free from the mass of fighting newbs and noobs. Alec breaks through as well.
31337 h4x0r: Help me, you idiots!
The 31337 h4x0r collapses to the ground.
Spawner: Capture the Spiderwebber alive!
Two 1337 h4x0rs and five noobs dogpile onto Alec.
Tyranicus: No! Alec!
Tyranicus continues to battle his way forward, with Slartucker close behind. The 1337 h4x0rs knock the noobs out of the way and pick up the unconscious and slightly flattened Alec. Tyranicus finally battles his way through and stabs one of the h4x0rs. From its position on the ground, the 31337 h4x0r pulls a throwing axe out of its belt. A noob catches hold of Tyranicus’s spear as he stabs the other 1337 h4x0r. Tyranicus stumbles back as the throwing axe hits him.
Slartucker: No! Tyran!
Slartucker chucks the javelin at the 31337 h4x0r, but the 31337 h4x0r rolls away and avoids it. Three more 1337 h4x0rs leap forward. One challenges Slartucker while the other two carry off Alec. Slartucker slings Tyranicus over his shoulder and runs back into the battle with the 1337 h4x0r close behind. Jumpin' Salmon sees Slartucker’s predicament and casts at the 1337 h4x0r. The line wraps around the 1337 h4x0r and throws it to the ground. At the edge of the forum, Slartucker pauses to take one look back. The last things he sees as he exits to take Tyranicus to the Tech Support Forum are GoldenKing and Jewels on their eighth drink and a newb and a noob attempting to strangle each other with their bare hands. Slartucker exits. At the other end of the forum, Spawner watches the 31337 h4x0r carefully.
Spawner: You weren't that badly injured, were you?
31337 h4x0r: Nothing that this little healing potion won't fix. One of the newbs had it on him.
31337 h4x0r drinks the healing potion.
31337 h4x0r: Now, back to the battle I go!