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Scene 1: Blades of Avernum Forum

Scene 1: Blades of Avernum Forum

Schrodinger stands on a small hill. He is watching the entrance to the forum intently. Behind him, Kelandon and Arancaytar are talking.

Arancaytar: So, what do you think would be the best way to defend this forum?

Kelandon: See those two steep hills? That's where we will make our stand. We can even push the boulders on each hill down onto the noob army.

Arancaytar: That sounds like a good idea.

Arancaytar winces suddenly.

Arancaytar: We don't have much time left before the noob army comes, though. Niemand just died.

Kelandon: Wake up, everyone! Wake up!

Grumbling and yawning, the Spiderwebbers come awake and gather their weapons. Arancaytar takes half of them to the top of the eastern hill. Kelandon takes the rest to the top of the western one. Schrodinger comes running toward them.

Schrodinger: The noobs are here! And there are a lot of them!

The Spiderwebbers watch as a horde of ordinary noobs marches toward them.

Schrodinger: How many noobs would you guess there are, Arancaytar?

Arancaytar: I have no idea. Far too many. We'd better make sure that no noobs get behind us, or else we won't be able to retreat.

Wise Man fires an arrow at a noob.

Wise Man: We're going to run out of arrows again, I can already tell.

Kingy: At least there are some slings.

Kingy slings a rock at a noob. At the back of the army and completely surrounded by 1337 h4x0rs, Spawner and Pyroroamer talk.

Pyroroamer: So, your strategy is just to throw noobs at them until they are completely exhausted and are either killed or retreat?

Spawner: Yes. Some of these noobs are survivors from the earlier forums, but most haven't seen any action yet in this war. And there are still even more noobs to send in if the Spiderwebbers manage to stay alive that long.

Spawner sends another group of noobs to go attack the Spiderwebbers.

Pyroroamer: This could take a while.

Spawner: So? Take a nap if you get bored.

The first noobs reach the base of the hills and begin climbing up.

Marlenny: Do we roll a few boulders at them now?

Kelandon: Not yet. Let them get halfway up the hill before we try anything.

Ephesos fires an arrow at a noob.

Ephesos: I wonder if repel spirit will work on noobs. What do you think, Slartucker?

Slartucker fires an arrow as well.

Slartucker: I hate this.

A short distance away, Zeviz and Randomizer are casting bolts of fire on the noobs. The noobs are now nearly halfway up the hills.

Kelandon: Release a boulder now.

Marlenny, Dareva, Inthrall, Dallerdin, and Redstart all push against a large boulder with all their might. The boulder rolls over the edge of the hill and smashes noobs as it goes. However, it hardly slows the noobs' advance. Pyroroamer angrily watches the boulder squish countless noobs flat.

Pyroroamer: Hand me that crossbow and bolts, Spawner.

At Pyroroamer's side, Spawner is flat on its back and snoring. Pyroroamer gives it a swift kick. Spawner comes awake.

Spawner: Huh? What? Oh, it's you. What do you want?

Pyroroamer: The Spiderwebbers are rolling boulders down on the army.

Spawner: So? They'll run out of boulders eventually, just like they always run out of arrows. See, look how few arrows are being fired.

Another boulder rolls from western hill and flattens more noobs. A third boulder rolls down the eastern hill.

Pyroroamer: See! Look at that! Give me that crossbow now!

Spawner hands Pyroroamer the crossbow and bolts.

Spawner: Suit yourself. You there, h4x0r! Bring in another group of noobs.

The 1337 h4x0r salutes and exits. Spawner lays back down and closes its eyes again. Pyroroamer stalks off. As the Spiderwebbers on the western hill struggle to move another boulder, a bolt comes flying up and strikes Dallerdin.

Dallerdin: Somehow, I'm not surprised that it ends like this.

Dallerdin dies. Inthrall ducks a second bolt. Pyroroamer throws itself flat upon the ground immediately.

Inthrall: This isn't good.

Dareva: Who keeps shooting at us, anyway? I can't see a noob with a crossbow anywhere.

Kelandon: Just shoot in the direction that the bolts came from!

Pyroroamer stays perfectly still as arrows and rocks kill the noobs surrounding it, knowing that running would only make it a target. The missiles fly so thick that soon not a single noob is left standing. The archers and slingers turn their attention in other directions as the first noobs make it over the top of the hill. Pyroroamer loads up and fires again. This time, Marlenny is hit. She staggers backwards a few steps.

Kelandon: Marlenny!

Marlenny dies. Pyroroamer turns and runs off.

Kelandon: I'll get it!

Kelandon snatches the bow from Slartucker's hands, turns, and aims at Pyroroamer's back. Just as he fires, a noob tackles him. The arrow hits the noob just to the left of Pyroroamer instead. As Kelandon falls, he hits his head on a rock and doesn't rise. Slartucker stabs the noob that tackled Kelandon and then kneels down and looks Kelandon over.

Slartucker: Well, he's just unconscious. Ephesos, Kelandon needs your help!

Kelandon opens his eyes.

Kelandon: I'm fine.

Slartucker: Are you sure? You hit your head rather hard.

Kelandon stands up slowly and rubs his head.

Kelandon: Of course I am. Why would you think that, anyway?

Slartucker: Because you hit your head. I'm worried that you are hurt.

Kelandon: Well, your wrong.

Slartucker: What did you say?

Kelandon: I said your wrong.

Slartucker: I was afraid that you had said that.

On the eastern hill, the noobs have succeeded in getting to the top as well. The Spiderwebbers have been forced away from the boulders, with the exception of Zephyr Tempest and Spy-there, who have taken refuge on top of boulder. Zephyr Tempest slays a noob attempting to scramble up.

Zephyr Tempest: We have to rejoin the others. Do you have an idea, Spy-there?

Spy-there: I like the idea of jumping down and fighting our way through.

Zephyr Tempest: We've tried that two times already.

Spy-there: Third time's the charm.

Schrodinger: Get down! Now!

Spy-there and Zephyr Tempest look at each other. Behind them, Pyroroamer makes a big show of aiming the crossbow at Zephyr Tempest.

Zephyr Tempest: What did you say?

Schrodinger: Get down! There's a...

Pyroroamer suddenly aims the crossbow at Schrodinger and fires. Schrodinger collapses as the bolt hits him.

Schrodinger: ...never mind. Someone else will have to finish the walkthrough for Avernum 4 now, I guess.

Pyroroamer watches to see whether Schrodinger lives or dies. Schrodinger dies. The time that Pyroroamer spends watching Schrodinger die allows Delicious Vlish to run up to Pyroroamer and smack it with a mighty tentacle. Pyroroamer drops the crossbow and flees. Delicious Vlish casts terror on the noobs surrounding the boulder as he retreats, allowing Zephyr Tempest and Spy-there to rejoin the other Spiderwebbers. Spawner watches dispassionately as Pyroroamer staggers back.

Spawner: Go die somewhere else.

Pyroroamer glares at Spawner.

Pyroroamer: I'm not going to die. In fact, I feel so fine that I'm going to lead a group of noobs around to attack the Spiderwebbers from the other side of the hill.

Suddenly, Pyroroamer sits down, shaking violently. Spawner laughs.

Spawner: I can see that. You should have charged into the Spiderwebbers and blown them up rather than come back.

Pyroroamer: I don't explode; I'm not an ordinary flamer. At... at least I... I killed two a... active... m... members and a... a mod...

Pyroroamer wipes some sort of green ooze out of its wound.

Spawner: And you lost the crossbow and got yourself killed in the process.

Pyroroamer: I... keep tell... ing you. I'm... not... going... to... d... urg.

Pyroroamer dies. The 1337 h4x0r that Spawner sent out earlier returns with another wave of noobs.

Spawner: Excellent job, h4x0r. Lead these noobs around the hills and attack them from behind. If you are successful, I will make you a captain.

The 1337 h4x0r salutes and leads the noobs away.