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Scene 1: Miscellaneous Forum

Scene 1: Miscellaneous Forum

The forum is cold. Very cold. And dark as well. And completely lifeless, since everyone in it is dead. Spiderwebbers huddle around old flamefests, trying to stay warm. They are reduced to eating spam. Dareva is about to take a bite of spam but flings it away suddenly.

Dareva: Ug. Spam. I'll starve before I eat any more of that stuff!

About the only people who can eat the spam are the Richard White cultists. In fact, they seem to be enjoying it.

Dareva: How can you eat that stuff?

Spring: Oh, we're not really eating it. We're just upgrading our implants with it.

Archmage Alex: Say, where is Icshi?

Student of Trinity: He's been called home to forum number 6,432,766,349,448,872,395,334,773. We will see him and Richard White again when that forum comes and unleashes its mighty vengeance.

Ben4808: Oh great. You mean that wasn't it? The Spiderweb Software Message Boards will one day be destroyed again?

Drew: No, that wasn't the coming of forum number 6,432,766,349,448,872,395,334,773. The destruction that it will bring when it comes will be beyond all comprehension. Fortunately, all cultists will be spared from forum number 6,432,766,349,448,872,395,334,773's wrath.

Wise Man: So, how long does anyone think we've been trapped down here?

Imban: Time flows strangely down here. It could be anywhere from a few minutes to several years. It sure feels like it's been a long time, though.

Wise Man: And where are all the noobs? There don't seem to be any here.

Imban: When noobs die, they get trapped in Homeland.

Archmage Alex: That is indeed a fate worse than death! Say no more!

*i is making a list on a piece of paper.

Drakefyre: What are you doing?

*i: Since we're all pale, skinny, and trapped in the underworld, I'm rewriting the titles so that they have an Exile theme. What do you think?

Drakefyre: It looks good. But expect to see many members with annoying new custom titles soon.

Drakefyre walks off and starts making his own list. Sitting as close as possible to another flamefest, Enraged Slith is so cold that he doesn't have the energy to do anything but shiver. Just a short distance away, Thralni and Snafta are kneeling on the ground. Thralni lifts his hands into the air.

Thralni: Oh, almighty chicken gods, what did we ever do to deserve such a fate? As the chicken god prophet, I beseech you, have mercy on us! Don't leave us down here forever! Or even another moment! Please? Pretty please?

Snafta: It's not working.

Thralni stands up, muttering Nephilian curses under his breath. Fatman, reclining against a stalagmite, chuckles.

Thralni: At least I'm trying to get us out of here. What have you done recently?

Fatman: At the moment, I'm laughing at you. I don't think there is a way out of this, though. I mean, we're dead. I don't even know where we are.

Schrodinger: In the old Miscellaneous Forum.

Fatman: Oh.

Thralni kneels again.

Thralni: I'll try once more. Almighty chicken gods! Are you listening to me now?

In another part of the forum, Arancaytar, Slartucker, and Tyranicus are also attempting to find a way back to the regular Spiderweb Software Message Board. Several runes are scratched into the ground near where they are standing.

Slartucker: How is this supposed to work?

Arancaytar: My goal is to create a portal that will take us to the Geneforge 2 Forum. I can get us back to the regular forums from there.

Tyranicus: Are we ready for a test yet?

Arancaytar: I think the runes are ready. Let's try to create the portal now. It will use up a lot of our energy. Be prepared for that. And above all, don't blink or look away from the runes while we try to do this.

The three Spiderwebbers concentrate on the runes. Energy pours out of them and into the runes. An insubstantial portal begins to form.

Slartucker: Hang on. I think I need to... to...

Slartucker sneezes. The moment his eyes close, the energy flow is disrupted. All of the energy stored in the runes is discharged as a huge fireball at Tyranicus. Tyranicus dies. Again.

Slartucker: Oops.

Arancaytar: I wonder what happens to you if you die after you're already dead.

Tyranicus gets up, completely unharmed. He brushes ashes off of himself.

Tyranicus: You just die again.

Arancaytar sighs.

Arancaytar: We'll have to try again later. Let's go rejoin the others.