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Scene 3: Wikipedia Main Page

Scene 3: Wikipedia Main Page

Slartucker sits at a desk, browsing through files of information. After several minutes, he throws the files up into the air in disgust.

Slartucker: I've been here for over an hour. There's absolutely nothing about this thing! Not even a stub! Not even a passing mention in some other entry! Wikipedia has never failed me like this before!

Slartucker gets up and exits. A moment later, he comes back wearing a leather jacket and carrying a bag of beef jerky and nine tallow candles. He looks around to make sure he is alone. Then he sets the candles up in a circle with the bag of jerky in the middle. He lights the candles and kneels down.

Slartucker: Oh, all-cowerful Nine-Headed Cave Cow, the current state of the Spiderweb Software Message Boards behooves me to call upon you to ask for some of your mooving wisdom. The fate of the entire Spiderweb Software Message Boards is at steak. Please steer me in the right direction, or else the thing will turn the forums and everyone on them into hamburger.

The Nine-Headed Cave Cow appears in the circle. All of the heads speak at once.

Nine-Headed Cave Cow: I am here. Speak.

Slartucker: I humbly crave your advice on how to defeat the thing.

Nine-Headed Cave Cow: I can't tell you that. You must discover the answer yourself.

Slartucker: How should I do that?

Nine-Headed Cave Cow: You must also figure that out yourself. Or perhaps you wish to take another path?

Slartucker: Like what?

Nine-Headed Cave Cow: You could always leave the Spiderweb Software Message Boards and its members to the thing. They're all either White cultists or Vahnatai creationists anyway. You could go out to a greener pasture and convert others to the true, mooving religion instead.

Slartucker: You're not asking me to leave the forums, are you? I just got a church going there!

Nine-Headed Cave Cow: No. But it is an option. And not a bad one either, since if you get attacked by the thing, you'll lose your ability to cast cowerful spells.

Slartucker: Wait... I can cast spells?

Nine-Headed Cave Cow: Yes. Who was in charge of commoonicating that to you? He or she will get a swift kick the next time I visit them. I...

The Nine-Headed Cave Cow suddenly vanishes as a flamer, a 1337 hax0r and two noobs enter. The candles go out and the now-empty bag blows away. Slartucker gets up.

Slartucker: Why did he and she vanish? I wanted to ask about the spells.

Flamer: What a nerd.

1337 h4x0r: lol

Slartucker turns around quickly.

Slartucker: Where did you come from?

Flamer: How dumb are you, anyway? The Internet. Where else?

Slartucker: I had hoped to never see a noob ever again.

Flamer: That's just too bad. Get him!

The 1337 ha4x0r jumps forward and swings its axe at Slartucker.

Slartucker: Um... moove slowly!

The 1337 h4x0r is instantly trapped in slow motion. Slartucker dodges easily.

Slartucker: Ha! Udder destruction!

The flamer, 1337 ha4x0r, and the two noobs are stuck by magical energy and instantly die.

Slartucker: That was impressive. It should work well on anything, including the thing.

Slartucker looks over at the ring of candles. It remains empty.

Slartucker: I'll talk to the Nine-Headed Cave Cow again later.

Slartucker exits.