Scene 3: General Forum

Zephyr Tempest enters and walks up to Periodic Table of Spiderweb. He examines it closely.

Zephyr Tempest: I can't believe that no one has taken carbon. That will be the ur-noob's element. Now all I need is something to write with.

Fatman runs by, with Nicothodes right behind him.

Nicothodes: I'm going to kill you slowly and painfully!

Fatman: wat did i evr do 2 u

Zephyr Tempest: Hey, Nicothodes. I'll cast slow on Fatman if you let me borrow your pencil.

Nicothodes grins evilly.

Nicothodes: Sure! If you aren't too stupid to actually cast it, that is.

Nicothodes hands Zephyr Tempest the pencil. Zephyr Tempest writes in the ur-noob's name. Then he hands the pencil back to Nicothodes and casts slow on Fatman.

Nicothodes: So you're not as stupid as you look after all.

Nicothodes chases after Fatman again.

Fatman: help shes gaining on me!

Delicious Vlish projects disapproval at Nicothodes.

Nicothodes: I don't need your approval, squidbrain!

Nicothodes forgets about Fatman and lunges toward Delicious Vlish instead. Delicious Vlish casts terror on her. Nicothodes runs off in fear. Wanderer adds another piece to Dintiradan's deth ray.

Wanderer: I think that's everything.

Dintiradan: dont forgit abot teh bakup baterys

The Lurker: I won't.

The Lurker plugs it in. Nothing happens.

The Lurker: It still needs some work, I think.

Robinator approaches the bound Randomizer.

Saunders: Hey! What are you doing? Get away from him!

Mysterious Man tackles Saunders.

Mysterious Man: Smnbbv!

Saunders blacks out. Robinator unties Randomizer. The three of them sneak towards Schrodinger and GoldenKing. Order Mage trips over Saunders and falls flat. *i pulls Infernal666hate away from Order Mage right before she can run him through.

Infernal666hate: Get my so! Ill krill hem!

*i: Enough, Infernal.

Infernal666hate looks resentful, but obeys.

Infernal666hate: Fin.

Drakefyre grabs Order Mage as he tries to sneak off.

Drakefyre: Did you free Randomizer?

Order Mage: No. Why should I?

Drakefyre lets Order Mage go.

Drakefyre: Well, you haven't been possessed by the thing, so I believe you.

*i: But we need to find Randomizer and whoever freed him now, before they cause any more trouble.

Zephyr Tempest is still standing by the Periodic Table of Spiderweb. There is a slightly mad gleam in his eyes as he summons some carbon and attempts to combine it with Galactic Core.

Zephyr Tempest: How does this work?

Lazarus: What are you doing?

Zephyr Tempest: I'm trying to... uh... I'm trying to revive Thuryl.

Lazarus: Oh really?

Lazarus walks over to the Periodic Table of Elements.

Lazarus: Hey! Thuryl doesn't have carbon. He...

Zephyr Tempest panics and casts ice lances on Lazarus. Lazarus dies. Zephyr Tempest walks over to the ur-noob's body. Croikle spots Lazarus's body.

Croikle: Is he really dead, or is he just pretending?

Ephesos checks for a pulse.

Ephesos: No, he really is dead.

Croikle: But who could have killed him? And why?

Everyone from the Tech Support Forum enters.

Zeviz: Zomeone ztop Zephyr Tempezt!

Spring: Why? What's he doing?

Smoo: He's trying to...

The thing: Xjmniuuu!

Smoo falls over unconscious. Everyone else winces. The adminostater, gaurdian, 1337 h4x0r, and noobs enter.

Adminostater: wow theirs lots of ppl hear

Gaurdian: lets bring tehm al bak 2 teh fourm

One of the noobs grabs Ben4808.

Noob: ive got one

Ben4808: hay let me go!

Another noob grabs Major.

Noob: ive got a nother one

Major: Let me gho, you noob!

The 1337 h4x0r grabs the Almighty Do-er of Stuff.

1337 h4x0r: 9\/\/|\|3|)!!1

Almighty Do-er of Stuff: Hey! What are you doing?

Inspector Walnut and the baby fluffy turtle run over to help the Almighty Do-er of Stuff out and to claim the sanity of the new arrivals. The 1337 h4x0r goes down as Inspector Walnut tackles it. The baby fluffy turtle starts nipping the foot of another noob. Schrodinger sees Mysterious Man approaching GoldenKing.

Schrodinger: Mysterious Man! You can't...

Robinator tackles Schrodinger.

Robinator: Mknhm!

Schrodinger loses consciousness. Mysterious Man unties GoldenKing. Zephyr Tempest makes another adjustment to Galactic Core.

Zephyr Tempest: Aha! I've almost got it!

Rakshasi: Stop him!

Alorael aims the sniper rifle at Zephyr Tempest. Before he can fire, he is tackled by Mysterious Man.

Mysterious Man: Gtftr!

Alorael winces.

Alorael: Not again!

Student of Trinity pulls out his sling, but he is tackled by Robinator. Lord Grimm pulls out a reaperdisk. The Silent Assassin draws his dagger and looks around to make sure that no one can tackle Lord Grimm. GoldenKing steps toward them, ready to cast aura of flames.

Zeviz: Zorry, Zephyr. Fireb...ahhh!

Randomizer hits Zeviz with a spray acid spell. Ephesos casts a curing spell on Zeviz and turns to face Randomizer.

Ephesos: Divine ret...

Nicothodes, still panicking from Delicious Vlish's terror attack, plows into Ephesos and knocks him down. Ephesos' head cracks against the floor and he passes out. Randomizer turns to face Zeviz. Zeviz attempts to cast firebolt on him.

Zeviz: Oh no. I'm out of zpell pointz again!

Randomizer prepares to cast another spray acid spell. Zephyr Tempest finally manages to combine Galactic Core and the carbon. He laughs madly.

Zephyr Tempest: Yes! Yes! I did it!

Zephyr Tempest is still laughing as the ur-noob's fist comes out and crushes him flat. Zephyr Tempest dies. Everyone stops and stares as the ur-noob stands up.

Noob: ooh teh mitey urnoob

The noob lets go of Ben4808 and runs toward the ur-noob. Another noob follows.

Adminostater: no dont do that

Smoo wakes up.

Smoo: wats going on

Drew: You don't want to know.

Nikki: But I do want to know. What is it?

The ur-noob towers above the Spiderwebbers.


The ur-noob suddenly stops laughing and starts coughing. Randomizer halts with his hands raised.

Randomizer: What garden is going malignant on?

Zeviz sighs in relief.

Zeviz: Thank goodnezz.

Mysterious Man stands up.

Mysterious Man: 2055`/ 4105431

GoldenKing shakes his head to clear it.

GoldenKing: wats hapening

Robinator steps away from Student of Trinity.

Robinator: Oops!!!!! Sorry, Student of Trinity!!!!!

FBM: I can't believe the plan is working exactly the way Zephyr Tempest said it would.

Rakshasi: So far.

Ephesos wakes up.

Ephesos: Great. Now I speak like a... wait. I'm still talking normally.

Zeviz: That'z becauze the thing iz currently diztracted.

Ephesos stares at the coughing ur-noob.

Ephesos: I think this is proof that life hates me.

Drakefyre: Spiderwebbers, attack the ur-noob with whatever you've got.

*i: Quick, while the ur-noob is weak and distracted!

Toenail pulls out his Black Halberds and charges toward the ur-noob.

Toenail: Death to the ur-noob!

Niemand pulls out a Jade Halberd and charges after him. Drakefyre casts arcane blow on the ur-noob. Ephesos casts divine retribution. Student of Trinity slings a rock. Terror's Martyr hurls the vilest and most illogical insults he can muster. Tyranicus throws a javelin.

Tyranicus: Take that!

Tyranicus: Take that!

Dintiradan: tihs is my chance 4 reveng lurkr plug n teh deth ray

The Lurker: Right.

The Lurker plugs in the deth ray. It begins charging up. Nicothodes stabs the ur-noob with her mechanical pencil. Infernal666hate stabs with demonslayer. MagmaDragoon strikes the ur-noob with a Guardian Claymore. Dikiyoba hands Ephesos and Zeviz each an energy potion. Zeviz drinks his and casts firebolt.

Randomizer: Spray acid acquired! No, that's oil not right. Spray citric acid!

The ur-noob is covered in lemonade.

Ephesos: You're not doing much.

Ephesos casts divine retribution again.

Randomizer: I'm fuzzy trying!

Alorael snipes the ur-noob. Sir David hits the ur-noob with his flaming sword. Enraged Slith attacks with his slith spear and the Silent Assassin attacks with his dagger. Lord Grimm throws a reaperdisk. The ur-noob staggers but coughs harder than ever.

*i: It's hurt! Keep attacking!

The Lurker: Dintiradan! The deth ray is ready!

Dintiradan: use it on the urnoob!

The Lurker and Wanderer turn the deth ray so that it is facing the ur-noob. Dintiradan rubs his hands together gleefully.

Dintiradan: hahaha! reveng! sweet sweet reveng!

The Lurker fires the deth ray. It hits the ur-noob. The ur-noob sways alarmingly.

Drakefyre: Back off, everyone! It's going to collapse!

The ur-noob falls to the ground with a tremendous thud.

*i: One more hit ought to finish it off!

Delicious Vlish slaps the ur-noob with a tentacle. The ur-noob coughs once more and dies. Everyone cheers.

Dintiradan: quik! use the deth ray on drakefyre and *i! tehn i wil rul teh mesage bord! hahaha!

Wanderer and the Lurker hesitate.

Wanderer: Are you sure?

Dintiradan: do it!

Robinator: Oh no you don't!!!!! I'll stop you!!!!!

Robinator runs forward, but trips over the cord, pulling the plug out of the outlet as he falls.

Dintiradan: im smarter tahn taht i hav bakup baterys

Dintiradan aims the deth ray at Drakefyre and fires it. Nothing happens.

Dintiradan: y isnt it werking

The Lurker: Oops. I forgot to put in the back-up batteries. Sorry, Dintiradan.

Dintiradan: uncompetnent fools!

Dintiradan looks over to see *i standing right beside him.

Dintiradan: it wuz just a joke a joke!

*i: You will take apart this deth ray right now, Dintiradan, or I will remove your helmet.

Dintiradan: nooo! not my helmet!

Robinator sits on the ground, twirling the end of the cord around.

Robinator: Curses, eh, Dintiradan?!!!!! Foiled again!!!!!

Dintiradan: oh shut up

Adminostater: lets get out ov hear

The adminostater and gaurdian exit. The 1337 h4x0r frees itself from Inspector Walnut and crawls out. The noob lets go of Major and it and the other three noobs follow. Kelandon throws a spell-checker at the last one to leave.

Kelandon: And don't come back until you've learned how to spell properly!

The final noob pauses to stick its tongue out at Kelandon.

Noob: lol ur stuped lol

The spell-checker hits the noob in the face, knocking it out the door. Marlenny swings the door shut. Saunders and Schrodinger both wake up.

Saunders: I've let Randomizer escape!

Randomizer: It's verb okay. The thing kinship is gone. I suspect that hazy we will return to dealing normal shortly rattle.

Ephesos casts unshackle mind on Kingy and Nick Ringer. They wake up.

Kingy: Oh, man. I have such a headache.

Nick Ringer: me 2

Kelandon: Well, we've killed the ur-noob.

Marlenny: Again.

Kelandon: And we've also killed the thing.

Drakefyre: No, I don't think the thing is dead. It's banished from Spiderweb, certainly, but there's so much bad spelling and grammar out there that the thing will recover.

Marlenny: What if the thing comes back?

Drakefyre: As long as everyone in Spiderweb uses correct spelling and grammar, then the thing won't be able to slip in again. And if it does, we'll notice and deal with it before it can gain a lot of strength.

Kelandon: What are we going to do now?

Drakefyre: Re-teach everyone to speak properly.