Act 3
Act 3 DikiyobaThe cultists battle for that which will have was...
Scene 1: Richard White Games Forum
Scene 1: Richard White Games Forum DikiyobaThe members of the Richard White cult stand ready for the first noobs to break into the forum. They stand together in perfectly straight ranks, looking unusually calm and mysterious. All of them are wearing robes with hoods covering their faces. They are also armed with large tranquilizer guns.
Student of Trinity: Why are we wearing these robes again? I thought the only thing you needed to join the cult was an implant?
Spring: It was, until Icshi retroactively made robes a requirement of the cult.
Ben4808: Does it seem like we have fewer people than usual?
Wise Man: They'll turn up again. They always do.
The Almighty Do-er of Stuff indicates his gun.
The Almighty Do-er of Stuff: Does anyone know why the needles in these guns are so huge?
Drew: Because these tranquilizer guns were meant to knock elephants unconscious for a few hours.
Ben4808: But noobs are much smaller than elephants.
Student of Trinity: Duh. We're trying to kill them, not knock them unconscious for a few hours.
Hawk King: Is it true that Navy SEALS will be helping to defend this forum?
Icshi walks by to inspect everyone and overhears the question.
Icshi: And ferrets. But if worst comes to worst, trust your implants.
The members who do not belong in the cult are grouped behind the cult. They are all armed with sticks. Alorael enters with his sniper rifle, extra ammunition, and an even larger sack of skribbane potions.
Drakefyre: You're late!
Alorael: It's never too late for sniping!
Alorael climbs onto another rock. GoldenKing sneaks after him. While Alorael views the forum in front of him, GoldenKing steals five skribbane potions.
Drakefyre: The noobs should start arriving any second now.
Icshi: Spread out, cult members! The first noobs are here!
Several dozen noobs enter the forum. They are quickly slain by the tranquilizers. Alorael turns to yell at the cult members.
Alorael: Boo! I only killed four of them! Your needles are no fun!
Several dozen more noobs enter the forum. Then several dozen more. This repeats itself several dozen times. Then it repeats several dozen more times. Anyway, the forum is soon full of noobs. But the cult members are easily taking down the noobs. In fact, the non-cult members haven’t even had to raise their sticks yet.
Wise Man: Hey, that noob looks different. What does it have on its shoulder?
Student of Trinity: It looks like a chip to me. Oh well. Shoot it.
Wise Man shoots the noob with the chip on its shoulder. The noob explodes, killing several noobs around it.
Spring: It looks like that was a flamer. We definitely want to kill them from a distance.
Student of Trinity: Look! There's lots of them!
Alorael downs another skribbane potion and shoots a flamer, which explodes.
Alorael: Heehee! Eight noobs with one bullet.
GoldenKing: Heehee! Eight skribbane potions in one go.
GoldenKing runs off with the stolen skribbane. He slings a lump of chocolate at a flamer but the explosion only kills three noobs.
Ben4048: Icshi! There's too many of them! The flamers will soon be close enough to hit us!
Icshi: Send in the ferrets!
Suddenly, ferrets parachute from the sky. They quickly swarm the noobs, biting their ankles until the noobs are driven back. But the ferrets are being killed off quickly.
Hawk King: The ferrets won’t last long, Icshi. What else do you have planned?
Spring: That's on a need-to-know only basis, Hawk.
Hawk King: Yeah, well, I think we need to know. There's a group of 1337 h4x0rs headed straight for us.
Icshi: Send in the navy seals!
Swarms of dark blue leopard seals flop into the melee. They bite the noobs’ ankles, only much more effectively than the ferrets did. Plus, their bulk makes them much hardier and difficult to kick off.
Student of Trinity: And here I thought we were going to be getting help from Navy SEALS.
The battle rages on. Alorael, GoldenKing, and the cult members are shooting the flamers, leaving the noobs and 1337 h4x0rs to the ferrets and seals. But the cult members are running low on tranquilizing needles and the various types of noobs are gaining ground. The non-cult members are starting to look worried, not having the cult's faith in retroactivity.
Student of Trinity: Why are we wearing these robes again? I thought the only thing you needed to join the cult was an implant?
Spring: It was, until Icshi retroactively made robes a requirement of the cult.
Ben4808: Does it seem like we have fewer people than usual?
Wise Man: They'll turn up again. They always do.
The Almighty Do-er of Stuff indicates his gun.
The Almighty Do-er of Stuff: Does anyone know why the needles in these guns are so huge?
Drew: Because these tranquilizer guns were meant to knock elephants unconscious for a few hours.
Ben4808: But noobs are much smaller than elephants.
Student of Trinity: Duh. We're trying to kill them, not knock them unconscious for a few hours.
Hawk King: Is it true that Navy SEALS will be helping to defend this forum?
Icshi walks by to inspect everyone and overhears the question.
Icshi: And ferrets. But if worst comes to worst, trust your implants.
The members who do not belong in the cult are grouped behind the cult. They are all armed with sticks. Alorael enters with his sniper rifle, extra ammunition, and an even larger sack of skribbane potions.
Drakefyre: You're late!
Alorael: It's never too late for sniping!
Alorael climbs onto another rock. GoldenKing sneaks after him. While Alorael views the forum in front of him, GoldenKing steals five skribbane potions.
Drakefyre: The noobs should start arriving any second now.
Icshi: Spread out, cult members! The first noobs are here!
Several dozen noobs enter the forum. They are quickly slain by the tranquilizers. Alorael turns to yell at the cult members.
Alorael: Boo! I only killed four of them! Your needles are no fun!
Several dozen more noobs enter the forum. Then several dozen more. This repeats itself several dozen times. Then it repeats several dozen more times. Anyway, the forum is soon full of noobs. But the cult members are easily taking down the noobs. In fact, the non-cult members haven’t even had to raise their sticks yet.
Wise Man: Hey, that noob looks different. What does it have on its shoulder?
Student of Trinity: It looks like a chip to me. Oh well. Shoot it.
Wise Man shoots the noob with the chip on its shoulder. The noob explodes, killing several noobs around it.
Spring: It looks like that was a flamer. We definitely want to kill them from a distance.
Student of Trinity: Look! There's lots of them!
Alorael downs another skribbane potion and shoots a flamer, which explodes.
Alorael: Heehee! Eight noobs with one bullet.
GoldenKing: Heehee! Eight skribbane potions in one go.
GoldenKing runs off with the stolen skribbane. He slings a lump of chocolate at a flamer but the explosion only kills three noobs.
Ben4048: Icshi! There's too many of them! The flamers will soon be close enough to hit us!
Icshi: Send in the ferrets!
Suddenly, ferrets parachute from the sky. They quickly swarm the noobs, biting their ankles until the noobs are driven back. But the ferrets are being killed off quickly.
Hawk King: The ferrets won’t last long, Icshi. What else do you have planned?
Spring: That's on a need-to-know only basis, Hawk.
Hawk King: Yeah, well, I think we need to know. There's a group of 1337 h4x0rs headed straight for us.
Icshi: Send in the navy seals!
Swarms of dark blue leopard seals flop into the melee. They bite the noobs’ ankles, only much more effectively than the ferrets did. Plus, their bulk makes them much hardier and difficult to kick off.
Student of Trinity: And here I thought we were going to be getting help from Navy SEALS.
The battle rages on. Alorael, GoldenKing, and the cult members are shooting the flamers, leaving the noobs and 1337 h4x0rs to the ferrets and seals. But the cult members are running low on tranquilizing needles and the various types of noobs are gaining ground. The non-cult members are starting to look worried, not having the cult's faith in retroactivity.
Scene 2: SubTerra Forum
Scene 2: SubTerra Forum DikiyobaThe Silent Assassin moves quickly and silently through the noob army. Without Lenar Labs to announce his moves, few take any notice of him. The ones who do are quickly assassinated, though it isn’t immediately apparent whether their deaths are caused by blade, magic, or mental powers. The Silent Assassin carefully avoids a 1337 h4x0r and continues on his way. The Silent Assassin glances back to see more and more noobs exiting the SubTerra Forum and entering the Richard White Games Forum. The Silent Assassin steps away from another 1337 h4x0r passing by, and then kills the 1337 h4x0r from behind. Then the Silent Assassin hears the ur-noob speak.
Ur-Noob: HOW IS THE BATTLE DOING, CAPTAINS?
The Silent Assassin pulls behind a rock and covers his ears in pain. The ur-noob’s voice is a hideous high-pitched shriek.
31337 h4x0r: The noobs had some trouble passing from the SubTerra Forum into Richard White Games Forum, but that problem has been rectified, your Noobness.
Spawner: I've hired the best mercenary flamers available, your Noobness. They've already arrived and are attacking with the rest.
The Silent Assassin continues to cower. This time, the ur-noob’s voice is a low, fiery growl.
Ur-noob: GOOD! WE WILL NOT BE HELD BACK BY FERRETS, SEALS, NEEDLES, AND MORONIC CULTISTS!
31337 h4x0r: Of course, your Noobness.
Spawner: Yes, your Noobness.
Spawner and 31337 h4x0r march off. The Silent Assassin continues to hide. As he hides, he starts to think. Clearly, the ur-noob is far beyond his skill. He should flee and report to the Richard White Games Forum at once, perhaps killing many 1337 h4x0rs along the way. But that wouldn’t be very assassin-like. He should at least see what the ur-noob looks like. The Silent Assassin slowly stands up...and sees himself reflected in the enormous eye of the ur-noob. The ur-noob opens its jaws and lunges. The Silent Assassin sees huge, gleaming, serrated fangs.
Silent Assassin: Holy flaming reaperdisks!
Ur-Noob: HOW IS THE BATTLE DOING, CAPTAINS?
The Silent Assassin pulls behind a rock and covers his ears in pain. The ur-noob’s voice is a hideous high-pitched shriek.
31337 h4x0r: The noobs had some trouble passing from the SubTerra Forum into Richard White Games Forum, but that problem has been rectified, your Noobness.
Spawner: I've hired the best mercenary flamers available, your Noobness. They've already arrived and are attacking with the rest.
The Silent Assassin continues to cower. This time, the ur-noob’s voice is a low, fiery growl.
Ur-noob: GOOD! WE WILL NOT BE HELD BACK BY FERRETS, SEALS, NEEDLES, AND MORONIC CULTISTS!
31337 h4x0r: Of course, your Noobness.
Spawner: Yes, your Noobness.
Spawner and 31337 h4x0r march off. The Silent Assassin continues to hide. As he hides, he starts to think. Clearly, the ur-noob is far beyond his skill. He should flee and report to the Richard White Games Forum at once, perhaps killing many 1337 h4x0rs along the way. But that wouldn’t be very assassin-like. He should at least see what the ur-noob looks like. The Silent Assassin slowly stands up...and sees himself reflected in the enormous eye of the ur-noob. The ur-noob opens its jaws and lunges. The Silent Assassin sees huge, gleaming, serrated fangs.
Silent Assassin: Holy flaming reaperdisks!
Scene 3: Moderator Forum
Scene 3: Moderator Forum DikiyobaArancaytar has abandoned the General Forum where Tyranicus is still training the newbs to fight and Kelandon is still trying to drag the lurkers out of the shadows with Wanderer and the Lurker’s help and sneaked into the Moderator Forum to continue updating the monthly stats in peace and quiet. He had originally planned to count the number of noobs slain by each member but the number of noobs slain by Alorael had made his computer explode and the number of noobs slain by the Richard White cult had turned the ashes of the computer into little red roses. So Arancaytar is forced to update the stats using only his brainpower and a looking glass. Of course, the number of noobs slain by each member had to be dropped from the stats. Arancaytar suddenly winces and writes the Silent Assassin’s name down next to Synergy under the heading for members slain.
Scene 4: Richard White Games Forum
Scene 4: Richard White Games Forum DikiyobaDikiyoba and Dintiradan are talking while waiting for the flamers, 1337 h4x0rs, and noobs to break through the line of ferrets and seals. Lenar Labs is nearby, waiting for the Silent Assassin to return.
Lenar Labs: The Silent Assassin is approaching the ur-noob. Now he's stabbed a 1337 h4x0r.
Dikiyoba: Dikiyoba is keeping a close eye on you, Dintiradan.
Dintiradan: Why is that?
Dikiyoba: Dikiyoba has seen all the "evil overlord" quotes Dintiradan has posted recently. Dintiradan could be working for the ur-noob.
Dintiradan: That's ridiculous. I only work for myself and my evil scheme is nowhere near completion. It probably won’t ever reach completion, either, given how things look at the moment.
Lenar Labs: The Silent Assassin is hiding behind a rock now. Now he's standing up and...oh no! No! No!
Dintiradan: What is it, Lenar Labs?
Lenar Labs: The Silent Assassin is dead! My brother! I... I...
Lenar Labs falls to the ground, unconscious.
Dikiyoba: Help Dikiyoba get Lenar Labs to the Tech Support Forum, Dintiradan!
Dintiradan and Dikiyoba pick Lenar Labs up and exit.
Lenar Labs: The Silent Assassin is approaching the ur-noob. Now he's stabbed a 1337 h4x0r.
Dikiyoba: Dikiyoba is keeping a close eye on you, Dintiradan.
Dintiradan: Why is that?
Dikiyoba: Dikiyoba has seen all the "evil overlord" quotes Dintiradan has posted recently. Dintiradan could be working for the ur-noob.
Dintiradan: That's ridiculous. I only work for myself and my evil scheme is nowhere near completion. It probably won’t ever reach completion, either, given how things look at the moment.
Lenar Labs: The Silent Assassin is hiding behind a rock now. Now he's standing up and...oh no! No! No!
Dintiradan: What is it, Lenar Labs?
Lenar Labs: The Silent Assassin is dead! My brother! I... I...
Lenar Labs falls to the ground, unconscious.
Dikiyoba: Help Dikiyoba get Lenar Labs to the Tech Support Forum, Dintiradan!
Dintiradan and Dikiyoba pick Lenar Labs up and exit.
Scene 5: Tech Support Forum
Scene 5: Tech Support Forum DikiyobaThe Tech Support Forum has been transformed into an infirmary for wounded members. Ephesos seems to be in charge. Schrodinger is also there, writing a guide on the different ways to treat injuries. Delicious Vlish and Thralni are also present.
Ephesos: How are you doing, Delicious Vlish?
Delicious Vlish has two of his tentacles wrapped in bandages.
Delicious Vlish: Silly 1337 h4x0r stepped on my tentacles. But I killed it. And my tentacles are much better now.
Ephesos: Good. Are you ready to leave?
Delicious Vlish: Yes. I must go out and teach the silly noobs a painful lesson.
Delicious Vlish exits.
Ephesos: Now, what’s the matter with you, Thralni?
Thralni: I was flying out of the SubTerra Forum during the retreat. When I started to come down, I landed on a noob and broke my arm on its thick skull.
Ephesos casts a healing spell on Thralni's arm. It heals instantly.
Thralni: Thanks, Ephesos. I'm going back to the battle now.
Thralni exits. Dintiradan and Dikiyoba enter with Lenar Labs.
Ephesos: Put him on the bed. What happened to him?
Dintiradan: The Silent Assassin was killed and Lenar Labs went into shock.
Ephesos: Well, there's nothing I can do. Leave him here and we'll let him recover.
Dintiradan: Isn't there something you can do? You know, like cast unshackle mind or something?
Ephesos: It doesn’t work on grief. Now, please leave.
Dikiyoba: Right, Ephesos.
Dintiradan and Dikiyoba exit.
Ephesos: How are you doing, Delicious Vlish?
Delicious Vlish has two of his tentacles wrapped in bandages.
Delicious Vlish: Silly 1337 h4x0r stepped on my tentacles. But I killed it. And my tentacles are much better now.
Ephesos: Good. Are you ready to leave?
Delicious Vlish: Yes. I must go out and teach the silly noobs a painful lesson.
Delicious Vlish exits.
Ephesos: Now, what’s the matter with you, Thralni?
Thralni: I was flying out of the SubTerra Forum during the retreat. When I started to come down, I landed on a noob and broke my arm on its thick skull.
Ephesos casts a healing spell on Thralni's arm. It heals instantly.
Thralni: Thanks, Ephesos. I'm going back to the battle now.
Thralni exits. Dintiradan and Dikiyoba enter with Lenar Labs.
Ephesos: Put him on the bed. What happened to him?
Dintiradan: The Silent Assassin was killed and Lenar Labs went into shock.
Ephesos: Well, there's nothing I can do. Leave him here and we'll let him recover.
Dintiradan: Isn't there something you can do? You know, like cast unshackle mind or something?
Ephesos: It doesn’t work on grief. Now, please leave.
Dikiyoba: Right, Ephesos.
Dintiradan and Dikiyoba exit.
Scene 6: Richard White Games Forum
Scene 6: Richard White Games Forum DikiyobaThe noobs have basically vanquished the ferrets and the seals. Now they move to attack the Richard White cult members. Icshi steps forward and raises a hand. The noob charge grinds to a sudden halt.
Ischi: I summon the leader of the Richard White Cult, who leads us by his--or her, or its--very mysteriousness (the mysteriousness and retroactivity makes it impossible to tell, I mean, Richard might very well be dead and his wife have taken over at any moment in time as far as we can tell), and who teaches us about the power of all things retroactive, and who may or may not be Richard White, or indeed Richard Black. Soon, all you noobs will understand the implications of the power of the Richard White cult! Come forward, mighty leader!
Hawk King: Ischi, aren't you the leader of the cult?
Ischi: Technically, I am. But who do you think I worship?
The cult members step aside as the true leader of the cult steps forward. The leader is both much taller and much shorter than all the other cult members, and wears a robe that alternates between black and white. The hood is pulled so low over his face--or hers, or its--that it is impossible to see the face, if indeed a face exists, existed, or will exist. The leader stops nearly twenty feet in front of the rest of the cult members and about an equal distance stands between the leader and the army of noobs, since the noobs had retreated a fair distance in shock and awe. The leader raises a hand and dramatically points it at the army of noobs. Suddenly, a huge pile of beans falls from the sky and smothers the leader of the cult.
Icshi: What!
Ben4048: Oh dear.
The noobs stare at the pile of beans for a moment, then break into uproarious laughter. Icshi shrugs.
Icshi: So it's come to this. Oh well. Charge!
The cult members shake off their shock and charge forward into the noobs, driving the noobs back a few paces. The other Spiderwebbers charge forward as well.
FBM: Death to noobs!
Noob: d347h 2…uh…
The noob stops to think about how to put “Spiderwebbers” into 1337 5p34k. FMB smashes it with a stick before the noob can figure it out.
FBM: It’s so good to be back!
Jumpin' Salmon climbs onto the boulder next to Alorael's with a fishing rod. He ties a registration code lure onto the end of it and casts it out. Soon, a 1337 h4x0r spots it and chases after it as Jumpin' Salmon reels it in. The 1337 h4x0r runs into a flamer. The resulting explosion kills over thirty noobs. Jumpin' Salmon finishes reeling the line in, attaches another lure, and casts it out again.
Alorael: Nice move, Salmon!
Alorael shoots another flamer.
GoldenKing: Nise…scribane…mmm…
GoldenKing meanders tipsily off with more stolen skribbane. At the other end of the forum, the captains of the noob army are watching the battle progress. The leader of the flamers is haranguing the noobs who hang back.
Troll Master: Get up there, you half-baked pieces of spam! Come on, idiots! Finish them off! How hard can it be?
Spawner: Look! A group of Spiderwebbers is cut off from the rest!
Troll Master: Yes! This is the moment I’ve been looking forward to! Come on, flamers!
Troll Master runs off, shouting at all the rank-and-file noobs it passes.
Troll Master: Soon the forums will be ours! HTML will be enabled! Chaos will be everywhere! Fight harder, you morons, and our victory will be assured!
31337 h4x0r: How did you convince Troll Master and its flamers to join, anyway?
Spawner: I promised them the Miscellaneous Forum.
31337 h4x0r: That forum no longer exists.
Spawner: Duh. That’s why I promised it to them. Anyway, the ur-noob intends for them all to die.
31337 h4x0r: The ur-noob? More like the ur-Bob.
Spawner: Your Bobness. Heeheehee!
3l337 h4x0r: Hahaha! No more! Hahaha! Your Bobness….hahaha!
The 31337 h4x0r stops laughing suddenly.
31337 h4x0r: Wait…why is the ur-noob so desperate to conquer this message board? I mean, why not Polaris or the RIFQ?
Spawner: I have no idea and I'm too afraid to ask.
31337 h4x0r: That's what I thought. Oh well. I’m off to the front lines now.
31337 h4x0r marches off. In the middle of the battlefield, Spring, Wise Man, Student of Trinity, and Icshi are separated from the rest of the Spiderwebbers. Out of needles, they smack noobs with the butt of their tranquilizing guns and pray that they don’t meet a flamer.
Student of Trinity: We must rejoin the others, or we're all doomed.
Icshi whacks a noob with his gun.
Icshi: I'm trying to think of something!
Wise Man: There's a flamer almost on us!
Spring throws a bean at the flamer, causing it to explode.
Student of Trinity: That was close! How many of those do you have?
Spring: Just four more.
Wise Man: Look out!
Student of Trinity, Wise Man, and Icshi all dive out of the way in time as a giant fireball comes their way. Spring, however, is badly burned. Troll Master throws back its head and laughs.
Troll Master: Hahaahahahaha!
Icshi drops to his knees alongside Spring.
Icshi: Speak to me, Spring!
Spring: This... wouldn’t have happened... if... I... had gotten... an upgrade... to my... implants... like I... asked... urg...
Spring dies.
Icshi: No!
At Icshi’s yell, all the noobs blocking off the small group vanish into tomorrow and Wise Man, Student of Trinity, and Icshi run for their lives.
Drakefyre: What happened, Icshi?
Icshi: I regret to inform you that our dear friend Spring is with us no more.
Drakefyre: Out with it! What are you saying?
Icshi: Spring is dead! Urg...
Icshi falls to the ground, dead. The 31337 hax0r laughs as he raises another throwing axe. Drakefyre ducks the thrown axe.
Drakefyre: Retreat! Retreat! Retreat to the Nethergate Forum!
With the noobs close behind, the Spiderwebbers flee into the next forum. GoldenKing has difficulty standing up, but once on his feet he takes off, though not in a straight line. FBM is tripped by a noob while fleeing, but he quickly rolls over, stabs the noob, jumps up, and runs out. Sir David pauses and yells at the Troll Master, who is standing atop the pile of beans.
Sir David: I have four times as much firepower as you. Take that!
Just as Sir David is about to cast a massive fireball, the Troll Master laughs madly. The power is drained from Sir David.
Troll Master: Now I have five times more firepower than you! Or something like that. Anyway, take this!
Student of Trinity: I summon the delicious trinity of chocolate, vanilla, and strawberry flavors that comprises Neapolitan ice cream!
Sir David is shielded by a huge wall of Neapolitan ice cream. The fireball hits it instead, dissolving a wall into a sticky mess. Fortunately, it lasted long enough to enable Sir David and Student of Trinity to escape. The last Spiderwebber left in the forum is Terror's Martyr. He also yells at the Troll Master.
Terror's Martyr: I'll see you in the BoE forum, [CENSORED], and I'll [CENSORED] to your [CENSORED]!
Terror's Martyr exits.
Ischi: I summon the leader of the Richard White Cult, who leads us by his--or her, or its--very mysteriousness (the mysteriousness and retroactivity makes it impossible to tell, I mean, Richard might very well be dead and his wife have taken over at any moment in time as far as we can tell), and who teaches us about the power of all things retroactive, and who may or may not be Richard White, or indeed Richard Black. Soon, all you noobs will understand the implications of the power of the Richard White cult! Come forward, mighty leader!
Hawk King: Ischi, aren't you the leader of the cult?
Ischi: Technically, I am. But who do you think I worship?
The cult members step aside as the true leader of the cult steps forward. The leader is both much taller and much shorter than all the other cult members, and wears a robe that alternates between black and white. The hood is pulled so low over his face--or hers, or its--that it is impossible to see the face, if indeed a face exists, existed, or will exist. The leader stops nearly twenty feet in front of the rest of the cult members and about an equal distance stands between the leader and the army of noobs, since the noobs had retreated a fair distance in shock and awe. The leader raises a hand and dramatically points it at the army of noobs. Suddenly, a huge pile of beans falls from the sky and smothers the leader of the cult.
Icshi: What!
Ben4048: Oh dear.
The noobs stare at the pile of beans for a moment, then break into uproarious laughter. Icshi shrugs.
Icshi: So it's come to this. Oh well. Charge!
The cult members shake off their shock and charge forward into the noobs, driving the noobs back a few paces. The other Spiderwebbers charge forward as well.
FBM: Death to noobs!
Noob: d347h 2…uh…
The noob stops to think about how to put “Spiderwebbers” into 1337 5p34k. FMB smashes it with a stick before the noob can figure it out.
FBM: It’s so good to be back!
Jumpin' Salmon climbs onto the boulder next to Alorael's with a fishing rod. He ties a registration code lure onto the end of it and casts it out. Soon, a 1337 h4x0r spots it and chases after it as Jumpin' Salmon reels it in. The 1337 h4x0r runs into a flamer. The resulting explosion kills over thirty noobs. Jumpin' Salmon finishes reeling the line in, attaches another lure, and casts it out again.
Alorael: Nice move, Salmon!
Alorael shoots another flamer.
GoldenKing: Nise…scribane…mmm…
GoldenKing meanders tipsily off with more stolen skribbane. At the other end of the forum, the captains of the noob army are watching the battle progress. The leader of the flamers is haranguing the noobs who hang back.
Troll Master: Get up there, you half-baked pieces of spam! Come on, idiots! Finish them off! How hard can it be?
Spawner: Look! A group of Spiderwebbers is cut off from the rest!
Troll Master: Yes! This is the moment I’ve been looking forward to! Come on, flamers!
Troll Master runs off, shouting at all the rank-and-file noobs it passes.
Troll Master: Soon the forums will be ours! HTML will be enabled! Chaos will be everywhere! Fight harder, you morons, and our victory will be assured!
31337 h4x0r: How did you convince Troll Master and its flamers to join, anyway?
Spawner: I promised them the Miscellaneous Forum.
31337 h4x0r: That forum no longer exists.
Spawner: Duh. That’s why I promised it to them. Anyway, the ur-noob intends for them all to die.
31337 h4x0r: The ur-noob? More like the ur-Bob.
Spawner: Your Bobness. Heeheehee!
3l337 h4x0r: Hahaha! No more! Hahaha! Your Bobness….hahaha!
The 31337 h4x0r stops laughing suddenly.
31337 h4x0r: Wait…why is the ur-noob so desperate to conquer this message board? I mean, why not Polaris or the RIFQ?
Spawner: I have no idea and I'm too afraid to ask.
31337 h4x0r: That's what I thought. Oh well. I’m off to the front lines now.
31337 h4x0r marches off. In the middle of the battlefield, Spring, Wise Man, Student of Trinity, and Icshi are separated from the rest of the Spiderwebbers. Out of needles, they smack noobs with the butt of their tranquilizing guns and pray that they don’t meet a flamer.
Student of Trinity: We must rejoin the others, or we're all doomed.
Icshi whacks a noob with his gun.
Icshi: I'm trying to think of something!
Wise Man: There's a flamer almost on us!
Spring throws a bean at the flamer, causing it to explode.
Student of Trinity: That was close! How many of those do you have?
Spring: Just four more.
Wise Man: Look out!
Student of Trinity, Wise Man, and Icshi all dive out of the way in time as a giant fireball comes their way. Spring, however, is badly burned. Troll Master throws back its head and laughs.
Troll Master: Hahaahahahaha!
Icshi drops to his knees alongside Spring.
Icshi: Speak to me, Spring!
Spring: This... wouldn’t have happened... if... I... had gotten... an upgrade... to my... implants... like I... asked... urg...
Spring dies.
Icshi: No!
At Icshi’s yell, all the noobs blocking off the small group vanish into tomorrow and Wise Man, Student of Trinity, and Icshi run for their lives.
Drakefyre: What happened, Icshi?
Icshi: I regret to inform you that our dear friend Spring is with us no more.
Drakefyre: Out with it! What are you saying?
Icshi: Spring is dead! Urg...
Icshi falls to the ground, dead. The 31337 hax0r laughs as he raises another throwing axe. Drakefyre ducks the thrown axe.
Drakefyre: Retreat! Retreat! Retreat to the Nethergate Forum!
With the noobs close behind, the Spiderwebbers flee into the next forum. GoldenKing has difficulty standing up, but once on his feet he takes off, though not in a straight line. FBM is tripped by a noob while fleeing, but he quickly rolls over, stabs the noob, jumps up, and runs out. Sir David pauses and yells at the Troll Master, who is standing atop the pile of beans.
Sir David: I have four times as much firepower as you. Take that!
Just as Sir David is about to cast a massive fireball, the Troll Master laughs madly. The power is drained from Sir David.
Troll Master: Now I have five times more firepower than you! Or something like that. Anyway, take this!
Student of Trinity: I summon the delicious trinity of chocolate, vanilla, and strawberry flavors that comprises Neapolitan ice cream!
Sir David is shielded by a huge wall of Neapolitan ice cream. The fireball hits it instead, dissolving a wall into a sticky mess. Fortunately, it lasted long enough to enable Sir David and Student of Trinity to escape. The last Spiderwebber left in the forum is Terror's Martyr. He also yells at the Troll Master.
Terror's Martyr: I'll see you in the BoE forum, [CENSORED], and I'll [CENSORED] to your [CENSORED]!
Terror's Martyr exits.