Spawner watches the noobs cleaning up the Exile Trilogy Forum for a while before turning around to face the ur-noob.

Ur-noob: I AM NOT HAPPY, SPAWNER!

Spawner: I can explain! I can explain! What do you want me to explain first, your Noobness?

Ur-noob: EXPLAIN WHY THE SPIDERWEBBERS WERE NOT CRUSHED IN THIS FORUM, IDIOT!

Spawner: Right. Well, you see, they had enough ammo to kill most of the flamers before they came anywhere close to the Spiderwebbers, your Noobness. They are highly inventive. Even after running out of arrows, they slew flamers with rocks, sticks, pens, and even raisins, your Noobness.

Ur-noob: RAISINS! I HATE RAISINS!

Spawner: Of course, your Noobness. One of the flamers, Pyroroamer, came up to me and demanded to be a captain. Seeing as how it threatened to stab me if I didn't comply, I did. Pyroroamer pulled all the flamers out of the battle and disguised them as 1337 h4x0rs. I suspect they will kill many, many Spiderwebbers in the next forum, your Noobness.

Ur-noob: VERY WELL! NOW, TELL ME ABOUT THE DEATH OF 31337 H4X0R!

Spawner: It lost its gun to a Spiderwebber and got killed trying to get it back. At least it killed the Spiderwebber in the process. I appointed a replacement captain, h4xx, and it is now starting the attack in the Avernum Trilogy, your Noobness.

The ur-noob stares at Spawner. Spawner trembles visibly.

Ur-noob: DO NOT FAIL ME AGAIN, SPAWNER! NOW GO!

Spawner salutes and runs off like a scared kitten. The ur-noob sniffs loudly and wipes a claw across its nose.

Ur-noob: NOW, WHERE IS MY FOOD?

Slartucker is the first to enter the Avernum Trilogy Forum. He runs across a short plain and then up a long slope. At the top of the slope, Dintiradan leans on a fine waveblade. Slartucker collapses at the top of the hill.

Slartucker: I can't take any more deaths of innocent Spiderwebbers!

Most of the surviving Spiderwebbers enter the forum. They, too, climb up the hill.

Dintiradan: I found some more archery equipment. Nothing left but stone arrows, but it'll have to do.

Ephesos pauses and sets Sir David on the ground. Sir David manages to sit up and drink another healing elixir unassisted. He staggers to his feet.

Sir David: I'll be all right now.

Sir David picks up a stone dagger and a wooden buckler and walks away.

Ephesos: I thought I told you to stay in the Tech Support Forum, Dintiradan.

Dintiradan: I am not your assistant. I am the Lord of the Lurkers.

Dikiyoba approaches and sets the Almighty Do-er of Stuff down. Ephesos casts a powerful healing spell on him. The Almighty Do-er of Stuff also gets up and goes off to arm himself.

Slartucker: The noobs will be here soon. I wonder what new tricks the ur-noob has for us this time.

Dintiradan: Slartucker's feeling a little depressed.

Slartucker: A little! It's more than that! Here we are, getting killed in a senseless war! There used to be hundreds of newbs and now there are less than a dozen. The lurkers are about to get killed too! And I've had to watch Tyranicus and Ben4808 and Jewels die in front of me! I can't take it anymore!

Ephesos: Now that Dintiradan has found something else to do, I need another assistant. Would you feel better if you were helping keep Spiderwebbers alive?

Slartucker: It's something, at least. I suppose so.

Ephesos: Good. Dikiyoba will teach you what to do. I'm going to go check on my last remaining patients in the Tech Support Forum.

Ephesos exits. Kelandon, Saunders, Schrodinger, Khoth, and *i are talking.

*i: We could set up some good defenses with the scripting abilities of the Blades of Avernum Forum.

Kelandon: True, but we need a long time to create them.

Schrodinger: Then start working now. Saunders and I will be in charge of this forum. And Drakefyre will show up soon.

Kelandon: We should take other scripters with us.

Nikki: Do you think I should go?

*i: All right, we'll start rounding up people. How about Smoo?

Khoth: And Archmagus Micael and Niemand.

Nikki: What about me? Am I good enough?

Kelandon: Why don't we take Nikki as well?

Nikki: Really? Great!

Kelandon, *i, Khoth, Smoo, Archmagus Micael, Niemand, and Nikki exit. Ephesos enters with a few more newbs. Drakefyre enters from the other end with the last Spiderwebbers. They are followed closely by 1337 h4x0rs. Slartucker watches anxiously.

Slartucker: The 1337 h3x0rs are awfully close.

Kingy lets the arrow slack off his bow.

Kingy: I can't get a clear shot at the h4x0rs. I might hit a member.

One of the 1337 h4x0rs trips Dallerdin. From out of the depressions in the plain, the lurkers rise up and attack the 1337 h4x0rs. Many of the 1337 h4x0rs are slain. The rest flee back to the Exile Trilogy Forum. The lurkers hide in the shallow holes again. Drakefyre and the others reach the top of the hill safely. Just as they do, a whole horde of blue-painted undead enter the forum and charge. The lurkers rush out of their hiding spots and attack while the Spiderwebbers fire arrows at them. Ephesos runs to the edge of the hill in a rage.

Ephesos: Undead! Undead! Why, I ought to...

Slartucker and Dikiyoba pull Ephesos away from the edge of the hill.

Slartucker: Calm down, Ephesos.

Dikiyoba: Yes. Dikiyoba thinks there are more effective ways to kill the undead.

Ephesos: Of course there are. I just...well, you know how much I hate undead. Dikiyoba, you go gather all the potions left in the Tech Support Forum.

Dikiyoba: Dikiyoba will do that, Ephesos.

Dikiyoba exits. Ephesos drinks an energy elixir and casts repel spirit. Eight undead vanish. Ephesos casts repel spirit again. A short distance away, Randomizer is killing undead with bolts of fire and acid spray. The battle rages fiercely for a while. All too soon, the Spiderwebbers run low on arrows again.

Student of Trinity: Time to break out the rocks again!

The Spiderwebbers hurl rocks at the undead. Unfortunately, the rocks are not nearly so effective against the undead as they were against the flamers. The lurkers are slowly getting killed off and the undead are slowly advancing. They reach the bottom of the hill and begin climbing up.

Drakefyre: Charge!

The Spiderwebbers grab their melee weapons and charge down the hill. Enraged Slith hacks his way into the undead with his two-tined spear. Infernal666hate is causing devastation with Demonslayer. Happa Tai Yatti now only carries one halberd but somehow he also manages to carry a shield at the same time. Dintiradan stands at the top of the hill and yells at the lurkers. Ephesos is still casting repel spirit for all that he is worth. Slartucker runs down the hill and comes back with an injured lurker.

Slartucker: I need your help to heal this lurker, Ephesos.

Ephesos: I'm busy! If he's injured, give him a healing potion. If he's really injured, give him a healing elixir. If he's really, really injured, force a graymold salve down his throat.

Slartucker helps the lurker to drink a healing potion. Dikiyoba enters from the Tech Support Forum with more potions. Arancaytar picks up a bow and a handful of arrows that someone dropped. Down on the plains, Thralni and Rent-an-Ihrno are fighting side-by-side.

Rent-an-Ihrno: You seem distracted, Thralni.

Thralni: I'm just thinking about the nephilim language.

Rent-an-Ihrno: Thinking up a better name for it?

Thralni: No, I'm... hey! I've got it!

Rent-an-Ihrno: Got what?

Thralni: Breln. It's nephilian for noob. Now I can yell "Death to noobs" in nephilian.

Thralni takes a deep breath. But before he can say anything, another throwing axe comes flying out from nowhere and strikes him. He falls to the ground.

Thralni: May the chicken gods curse and strike down every last breln!

Thralni dies. At the top of the hill, Arancaytar aims in the direction that the axe came from and fires. h4xx dies. The axe it was about to throw flies straight up into the air. When it comes down, it kills one of the undead. At the back of the noob army, Spawner growls.

Spawner: Grr! Pyroroamer, bring me the crossbow and bolts we found earlier.

Pyroroamer brings Spawner the crossbow and bolts.

Pyroroamer: But he's out of range. You can't hit him.

Spawner takes the crossbow and bolts.

Spawner: I know. But he can't hit me either.

Spawner loads the crossbow and takes careful aim. MagmaDragoon is hit.

MagmaDragoon: I was the only Italian on these forums. Alas, now there are none.

MagmaDragoon dies. Dareva ducks the next bolt. Student of Trinity ducks a third.

Student of Trinity: I summon the bright, colorful trinity of a color ink cartridge to protect us!

Before anything is summoned, however, Spawner's fourth bolt hits Student of Trinity. Slartucker rushes over, ducking a fifth bolt as he does so. He picks Student of Trinity up and starts carrying toward the hill.

Student of Trinity: Have you thought about what happens to us when we die?

Slartucker: Not anymore than I have to.

Student of Trinity: That's what I did, too. But now I really wish I had specified which trinity. Oh well. Kill some more noobs for me.

Student of Trinity dies. Slartucker stands stunned until the cry of an injured lurker forces him to return to the battle. In the middle of the battlefield, Drakefyre is having difficulties. The undead have surrounded him and he is forced to move farther and farther away from the rest of the army. Pyroroamer and Spawner watch in amusement. Spawner lifts up its crossbow.

Spawner: We have him now!

Pyroroamer: Yes. The Spiderwebbers will be helpless without an administrator to lead them.

Drakefyre casts arcane blow on a group of undead. Spawner fires its next bolt. The bolt buries itself into Drakefyre. Drakefyre pulls it out contemptuously.

Drakefyre: It'll take more than one little arrow to stop me!

Drakefyre teleports to right behind Spawner and Pyroroamer. The two of them instantly flee into the Exile Trilogy Forum. Drakefyre casts a few rounds of arcane blow on the stunned 1337 h4x0r guards and steps into the Exile Trilogy Forum after Spawner and Pyroroamer.

Drakefyre chases after Spawner and Pyroroamer. They have a good lead, but Drakefyre is rapidly closing in on them.

Spawner: Help us, your Noobness!

Drakefyre comes to an abrupt halt.

Drakefyre: The ur-noob? Here? You mean it's not a true Bob?

Drakefyre turns and runs away. Spawner aims another bolt at him, but misses. Drakefyre yells as he runs.

Drakefyre: Ban you! Ban you both!

Drakefyre exits. Spawner runs up to the ur-noob.

Spawner: We led an administator right to you! Why didn't you smush him?

The ur-noob's scales look dull and it is sitting slumped over as if exhausted. The ur-noob shakes its head and stares at Spawner. The ur-noob may look a little ill, but the eyes are still bright and dangerous. Spawner takes a step back.

Ur-noob: ARE YOU QUESTIONING ME, SPAWNER?

Spawner: No! Of course not, your Noobness! It's just that, sometimes, your vast wisdom and diabolic plans are above my intelligence, your Noobness.

Ur-noob: THEN YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT I LET HIM GO BECAUSE I FELT LIKE IT!

The ur-noob suddenly sneezes. The huge jet of flame that results sets most of the forum on fire.

Spawner: What is it, your Noobness?

Ur-noob: NOTHING! JUST A LITTLE COLD, THAT'S ALL! NOW, GO BACK TO THE BATTLE!

Spawner: Before we go, your Noobness, there's just one little thing I want to tell you.

Ur-noob: WHAT IS IT?

Spawner: It was that administrator who helped Jeff escape. That's why we were luring him to you.

Pyroroamer: (Whispers) I thought we were running for our lives.

Spawner: (Whispers) We were, but the ur-noob doesn't know that.

The ur-noob rears up to its full height and roars.

Ur-noob: WHAT! CAPTAINS, WE GO TO THE AVERNUM TRILOGY FORUM NOW! KILL EVERYONE ELSE, BUT KEEP THAT ADMINISTRATOR ALIVE! HE'S MINE!

The ur-noob charges out of the forum. Spawner and Pyroroamer hesitate.

Pyroroamer: How did you know that he was the one who helped Jeff escape?

Spawner: I didn't. I made it up.

Pyroroamer: But why?

Spawner: To end this battle with a decisive victory.

Pyroroamer: You are truly loyal to the ur-noob then?

Spawner: Don't be silly. Loyalty to the ur-noob will only get you killed.

Pyroroamer: Then why don't we slip off right now? I'll round up the last of my flamers and you can gather the brightest noobs and 1337 h4x0rs. We'll find an easier message board to conquer and rule it.

Spawner: We can't. The barrier that the ur-noob put up to keep the Spiderwebbers from leaving blocks us as well.

Pyroroamer: So what do you propose we do?

Spawner: Exactly what I have set in motion. Allow the ur-noobs and the brainless spammers to kill off all the Spiderwebbers while we stay alive. After the battle is over, the barriers will come down. Then we will slip off. If it has to be just the pair of us, then so be it.

Pyroroamer: That is ingenious.

Spawner: Yes. Yes it is. Now, let us go to the Avernum Trilogy Forum before the ur-noob notices that we are missing.

Pyroroamer and Spawner exit.

Drakefyre enters the forum and blasts his way through the undead. The Spiderwebbers have been pushed back to the top of the hill. Inthrall strikes down an undead and dodges the claws of another. Drakefyre breaks free of the battle and steps in front of Ephesos.

Drakefyre: I need healing, Ephesos.

Ephesos steps aside and casts repel spirit on eight more undead.

Ephesos: But I must kill more undead. All undead must die. Again.

Dikiyoba picks up a bow and scrounges a few arrows.

Dikiyoba: Dikiyoba will kill the undead for you, Ephesos.

Dikiyoba aims at an undead and kills it. As Dikiyoba reloads, there is a huge roar that shakes the entire forum. The ur-noob enters. Dikiyoba accidently releases the arrow in shock.

Dikiyoba: Ow! Ow!

Dikiyoba hops around on one foot, having shot Dikiyoba's self in the other. The rest of the Spiderwebbers stand stunned at the sight of the ur-noob. Inthrall stares, enthralled by the size and might of the ur-noob.

Inthrall: Wow. That's... that's... We're all going to die!

The ur-noob spreads its vast wings and flaps them. The wind this generates knocks over Spiderwebbers and undead alike.

Ur-noob: MUAHAHAHAHA! YOU WILL ALL DIE, SPIDERWEBBERS!

Drakefyre: Retreat! Retreat!

Dintiradan: Retreat, my Legions of Terror! Retreat!

The Spiderwebbers and lurkers pick themselves up and run into the Blades of Avernum Editor Forum. Several lurkers fall to undead claws as they retreat. Slartucker carries an injured lurker with him. Shaun Waun assists Dikiyoba in hobbling out. Ephesos pauses to pick up a dropped potion and is clawed in the face by an undead.

Ephesos: Gah! Bad undead!

Ephesos casts repel spirit on the undead surrounding him and flees. Drakefyre is the last out. He casts arcane blow on the undead while the final Spiderwebbers exit. As he turns to go, the ur-noob points a claw at the exit and a magical barrier appears. Drakefyre crashes into it and is immediately set upon by undead.

Ur-noob: KEEP HIM ALIVE! I WANT HIM ALIVE! DO NOT KILL HIM!

Drakefyre kills the undead and attempts to dispel the barrier. Several 1337 h4x0rs attack him. He manages to kill most of them, but he is attacked by several more. Eventually, sheer weight of numbers pins him down.

Ur-noob: BRING HIM BEFORE ME!

The 1337 h4x0rs drag Drakefyre over to the ur-noob and force him to kneel.

Drakefyre: (Mutters.) This is so humiliating.

The ur-noob sniffs loudly and stiffles a sneeze. It stands well over sixteen feet tall but looks more skeletal and oddly-jointed than ever. It glows with such intensity that it almost seems to be clothed in light. The ur-noob glares at Drakefyre with bulging, red-tinted eyes.

Ur-noob: YOU HELPED JEFF ESCAPE!

Drakefyre says nothing.

Ur-noob: WHERE DID HE ESCAPE TO?

Drakefyre remains silent.

Ur-noob: SAY SOMETHING!

Drakefyre spits at the ur-noob's feet. The ur-noob yells. It starts off as a low growl but quickly reaches a high-pitched shriek that has Drakefyre and the 1337 h4x0rs on the ground with their hands over their ears. The yell stops abruptly as the ur-noob sneezes, frying several 1337 h4x0rs. The ur-noob manages to come to something resembling control as the 1337 h4x0rs recover and pin Drakefyre down again. It spends some time picking at its claws and then watches the noobs piling all the badly managled lurkers, undead, 1337 h4x0rs, and broken weapons into a pile. The relatively undamaged lurkers are being lined up to eventually become more undead. Finally, the ur-noob turns back to Drakefyre.

Ur-noob: WELL? WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY?

Drakefyre: What do you want?

The ur-noob watches Drakefyre for a moment and then picks up Thralni's body and eats it. Drakefyre winces.

Ur-noob: I SEE I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION NOW! MAKE ME AN ADMINISTRATOR AND I WILL MAKE YOUR DEATH EASY! REFUSE, AND IT WILL BE SLOW AND PAINFUL! IT'S YOUR CHOICE!

Drakefyre says nothing.

Ur-noob: ANSWER ME! NOW!

Drakefyre struggles for several minutes to throw off the 1337 h4x0rs.

Drakefyre: Ban you! Ban you all!

Nothing happens. Then the ur-noob laughs. It stretches to its full height, nearly scraping its head against the forum header. Its wings spread wide and smoke pours from its open mouth as it laughs like a maniac. It appears to have grown even larger.

Ur-noob: YOUR PUNY POWERS ARE NO MATCH FOR MINE! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Drakefyre continues to struggle wildly.

Ur-noob: FACE IT! THERE IS NO WAY YOU CAN ESCAPE FROM ME!

Drakefyre: There is still one way.

Drakefyre disappears in a small puff of smoke.

Ur-noob: WHAT THE! HE... HE BANNED HIMSELF!

The Spiderwebbers have passed through the Blades of Avernum Editor Forum to the Blades of Avernum Forum. The landscape of this forum is very pleasing. It is a series of low, grassy hills. Many Spiderwebbers have taken advantage of this relaxing landscape and the time afforded to them by the defenses of the Blades of Avernum Editor Forum to rest and recover. *i is planning the defense of the forum. Ephesos has healed himself, Dikiyoba, and the injured lurkers and is now sleeping to recover his spell points. Dintiradan has slipped off with most of the lurkers to an abandoned mining town in the mountains. A few of the bolder lurkers remain behind, though they stay out of the direct sunlight. However, no one else, not even the most die-hard Blades of Avernum fans, are willing to risk getting trapped in the forum with no escape. Arancaytar is sitting on the grass with the stats in front of him. Suddenly, he jumps up and hurries over to speak with *i.

Arancaytar: *i, Drakefyre banned himself!

*i: What? You mean he didn't make it out of the Avernum Trilogy Forum?

Arancaytar: Apparently not. Can't you unban him?

*i: I can do that.

*i waves a hand. Drakefyre appears in a puff of smoke.

Drakefyre: Thank you.

Arancaytar: Why did you ban yourself?

Drakefyre: It was the only way I could escape from the ur-noob and I didn't feel like dying.

Arancaytar: That makes sense.

*i: And you now have information about the ur-noob that we can use, right?

Drakefyre: Yes. The ur-noob is even more dangerous than we could have ever possibly imagined and its power is growing. No ordinary methods will bring it down. The only weakness I saw was a minor cold. But if we could kill it, the attack would basically be over. Without someone to lead them, the noobs would be easy to kill. And we could get reinforcements once the barrier came down.

*i: Drakey, we must discuss which of our special methods could be used to bring down the ur-noob. I'm sure there is something.

*i and Drakefyre exit.

Kelandon is supervising the final touches to the defenses of the forum.

Kelandon: That's a nice little bit of scripting, Niemand. Nikki, hurry up. We don't have much time.

Nikki: I'm almost done.

Khoth: These defenses aren't nearly so good as the defenses in the Blades of Exile Forum, even though the scripting on this forum allows us to do more stuff.

Kelandon: That's true, but there are fewer proficient scripters for this forum and the scripting takes longer to do.

Smoo: I wish TM were still alive. He could have done some impressive things, I'm sure.

Smoo finishes up with a demon-spawning trap and walks over to help Archmagus Micael finish his barricade filled with ruby skeletons. Nikki finishes his final trap.

Nikki: Okay. I'm finished. I'm just worried that it's not good enough.

Kelandon: It'll be fine. Let's go before it's too late.

Khoth: Too late.

A group of 1337 h4x0rs bursts into the forums. Most die attempting to get through one of Kelandon's puzzles but two of them manage to make it through safely and attack Smoo before he can react. Smoo dies.

Kelandon: Oh my god! They killed Smoo!

Kelandon, Khoth, Archmagus Micael, and Nikki all run for the exit as more 1337 h4x0rs and undead pour into the forum. Although the traps slow down and kill many 1337 h4x0rs and undead, the noob army advances through the forum with relative ease. Spawner and Pyroroamer stay back.

Pyroroamer: Well, this is easier than the maze in the Blades of Exile Forum.

Spawner: Indeed. Do you realize that we've conquered half the forums now. Hey... who's that?

Niemand comes out of nowhere bearing a jade halberd. Spawner saves its life by pushing a 1337 h4x0r into the path of the halberd. Pyroroamer and Spawner scramble out of blade range.

Spawner: Kill him! Kill him now!

Three 1337 h4x0rs run up, but Niemand performs a fancy move that kills all three easily.

Niemand: You won't get me so easily!

Pyroroamer: Do you have any sort of plan, Spawner?

Spawner: You mean besides throwing every noob under my command at him at once? Well, we could run to the Avernum Trilogy Forum, except that I don't think he'll follow. Yikes!

Spawner ducks the halberd again and runs further away.

Spawner: Kill him! All of you, kill him!

Niemand is surrounded by 1337 h4x0rs. He hacks away at them for a very long time but eventually he starts to get tired. There doesn't seem to be any end to the 1337 h4x0rs that Spawner and Pyroroamer send at him.

Spawner: How many 1337 h4x0rs can he kill?

Pyroroamer: I'll send a flamer at him. That should take him down.

Pyroroamer secretly directs one of the few remaining flamers, still disguised as a 1337 h4x0r, to attack Niemand. Niemand slays another 1337 h4x0r, then hits the flamer in disguise. The flamer explodes, killing many 1337 h4x0rs and critically injuring Niemand.

Niemand: Well, at least I die defending my favorite forum. That, and the fact that they haven't found my best work yet.

Niemand dies. Spawner and Pyroroamer look at each other as they ponder Niemand's final words. Suddenly, there is a huge explosion that kills about fifty 1337 h4x0rs.

Spawner: Oh. It must have been that trap.